lady00 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I agree with all of this. What happened here was he did something, she said please don't do that again. And he did it again. Instead of doing it again, he should have said "well, sorry I don't think your reasons make any sense and I don't like this setup." Either they would have come to a compromise or he could have said "OK, this isn't going to work for me because it makes me uncomfortable that you have a problem with me showing up unannounced." When your partner sets a boundary that you don't like, you don't continue to violate that boundary. Instead, the appropriate thing to do is talk to your partner about why the boundary is set, and if you can't compromise or get them to remove the boundary, move on. Link to comment
velvette Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 does he understand OP's reasonings? is she clear with what she wants, and why she wants it? when he asked to cuddle (for example), did she say that she'd like to freshen up beforehand, or just murmur 'no, not now' with no other explanation? I feel there's a lot unsaid here. Link to comment
DN Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I agree with all of this. What happened here was he did something, she said please don't do that again. And he did it again. Instead of doing it again, he should have said "well, sorry I don't think your reasons make any sense and I don't like this setup." Either they would have come to a compromise or he could have said "OK, this isn't going to work for me because it makes me uncomfortable that you have a problem with me showing up unannounced." When your partner sets a boundary that you don't like, you don't continue to violate that boundary. Instead, the appropriate thing to do is talk to your partner about why the boundary is set, and if you can't compromise or get them to remove the boundary, move on. I see no reason why so many people want to somehow demonise this guy - he may be all that people say but no one seems to want to see things from what may be his point of view. He stated that he feels unwelcome and the chances are that is the truth. The boundaries that she wants to set (and she has a right to) may, from his perspective, relegate him to 'invited guest' rather than 'boyfriend' and 'lover'. The OP refers to him as 'my man' but she doesn't really act that way in the way that she treats him. He has to wait to be invited, he can't cuddle unless she is showered, he is expected to use the guest bathroom rather than the one is the bedroom and he better keep out of her bedroom unless it looks perfect. So, again from his perspective, he may be totally confused as to what the status of this relationship, may feel misled and may be wondering whether he is in fact in an exclusive relationship or not - because the way he is being treated are giving him the impression that he isn't. This is a result of two different points of view. And I am fairly certain that had he posted on here giving his, then some people would have said that the OP's behaviour is shady and it looks like she has something to hide. As velvette has said, is he aware of her reasonings? Has she said she doesn't want to cuddle because she doesn't feel fresh? What does 'politely declined' actually mean - because even if it is polite it is still a rejection. He may be all the things people are accusing him of - but I see a rush to judgment here and I don't think that is particularly helpful. It certainly won't help the OP if the next guy she becomes interested in also gains the impression that she isn't really into him and may be into someone else at the same time. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I don't think I demonized him at all. I think that he was acting in an immature way by doing something she specifically asked him not to do, rather than talking to her about it and either reaching a compromise, getting her to change her mind or telling her "you know what, I'm not comfortable with this, I think I want out of this relationship." That would have been the mature approach. I don't think his approach was particularly mature. I think he was continuing to push her boundaries when she asked him not to. Maybe her boundaries are completely unreasonable to him, in which case he should just say "I can't accept this. I don't feel comfortable with this and I feel like I'm a house guest, not your boyfriend. I can't be with you any longer." Instead he showed up, got a predictable response (I say predictable because she already told him she wasn't comfortable with him showing up unannounced), and stormed out. Add to that that, based on what OP said, he has exhibited a hot temper on various occasions, I do think his behavior is cause for concern. He could be a great guy who in this circumstance exhibited poor judgment and who has a temper (I have no idea what his temper is really like, I don't know him...I can only go on what the OP has posted about his temper and it sounds like it's an ongoing issue, aside from this one instance). I don't think him having poor judgment in this case makes him a bad person (we all exhibit poor judgment from time to time...the point is to learn from it and make a better choice next time). I don't think his having a hot temper makes him a bad person (I have been guilty of this myself and I don't think I'm a bad person but it's something that I have worked on and addressed on my path toward becoming a better person). This isn't about either one person being at fault. They both have their faults. I do find his behavior inappropriate, yes. If he wants to discuss the issues he has with her in a calm rational manner then he should. He shouldn't show up at her place, get upset and storm out. He should sit her down and say "hey this setup sucks. I want to be able to come and go as I please. I feel like a houseguest. Can we come to an agreement?" OR she should sit him down and get the ball rolling. Link to comment
DN Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Alright, well have it your way if you must, I just don't think you are willing to look at any other possibilities than her boundaries must be the only thing that matters. When people are hurt they don't always act in a rational manner. I think this man was hurt and people are over-reacting by making him out to be some sort of bad guy. I also think these two people have very different ideas on what it means to be in an intimate relationship and that they are therefore incompatible. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Alright, well have it your way if you must, I just don't think you are willing to look at any other possibilities than her boundaries must be the only thing that matters. When people are hurt they don't always act in a rational manner. I think this man was hurt and people are over-reacting by making him out to be some sort of bad guy. I also think these two people have very different ideas on what it means to be in an intimate relationship and that they are therefore incompatible. DN, I have the utmost respect for you and I'm not trying to "win" or "have it my way" here...just expressing my opinions and I think it's good that the OP is getting a variety of different takes on this. I don't think her boundaries are the only thing that matter. Rather, I think he should either respect them or tell her that he's not comfortable with it and wants her to change them, or dump her. Anything else is just madness...doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. The temper thing does worry me because the OP makes it seem like it's not a one-off thing, that it has happened before...I am concerned about the way he deals with conflict as there will inevitably be more disagreements as all relationships have them. I once had a boyfriend that use to just tell me he needed time to cool off before discussing something. I really respected that because he was concerned about doing or saying something that he would later regret because when upset he was not in the right frame of mind to have a constructive discussion. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 The thing is, dude doesn't even have his own key yet. And it's a courtesy thing (no disrespect to him or to minimize his status as her bf) but what really would be so difficult to just say, "Hey, you busy? Can I stop by?" Now I do agree that she shouldn't always feel like the house has to be spotless; bed made, walls painted, windows washed and so forth. Because it's not always going to be spotless in your relationship. DN hit it home with that one, but it's definitely just a courtesy thing because even though we might have our relationships and marriages and so forth we're still entitled to some sort of privacy. Not to mention, if the OP has asked of him to call her before he comes over and he continues to do the opposite then that's a problem. He's continously doing something that is making her uncomfortable. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I just find it peculiar that he immediatedly had to go to her bedroom and restroom and then once satisfied that she wasn't entertaining another man, decided he wanted to cuddle. Why, because he was relieved that she was alone? Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I just find it peculiar that he immediatedly had to go to her bedroom and restroom and then once satisfied that she wasn't entertaining another man, decided he wanted to cuddle. Why, because he was relieved that she was alone? yes, this bugs me more than the 'i just was in the neighborhood and wanted to say hi.' Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I just find it peculiar that he immediatedly had to go to her bedroom and restroom and then once satisfied that she wasn't entertaining another man, decided he wanted to cuddle. Why, because he was relieved that she was alone? Not knowing what the layout of her house it, it could have also been just a matter of habit that he was using her restroom instead of the guest one. I'm just saying it's really dificult to judge without knowing all the facts ... Link to comment
WAITING2EXHALE Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 I would like to thank everyone for their input. THANKS!! Even without all the details, for the most part, the general consensus is that showing up unannounced is not the coolest thing to do. The reviews were mixed on how we handled things before he left. There were also posts that addressed boundaries, showing due respect and courtesy, incompatibilities, addressing his temper, gaining and maintaining trust. We met today and discussed all of these concerns. The conversation remained calm, while we expressed our feelings, and later rendered apologies. We now understand that we both have different boundaries, and that we handle maintaining those boundaries differently. We desire the boundaries established, and those that have yet to be established to be regarded with respect, whether we like them or not. He pointed out some to me, and I likewise. Fair enough. Ultimately, we aspire to eliminate most, if not all, boundaries, and trust each other completely. We know it won't happen over night, but we have seen a lot progress in terms of trust. Addressing his temper: He commented that when he blows up, that I have always managed to maintain my view and didn't cave in when he's acting out of character. He says he has learned so much and is appreciating more and more that I am not a pushover. We laughed about it, especially since I reminded him that I am also prior military, and I am prepared to go toe-to-toe with him, if I must (at times, I have, and he changes tunes. I take a lot and I am softspoken, but my nearly grown 3 sons can testify that when the sergent is in, it's not pretty! [-X). Addressing the incompatibilities: We didn't spend a lot of time on this. There are things beyond our control, like our ages, backgrounds, and upbringings, and since day one, we have steadily been blending what we have come to know, and been trying to make adjustments looking through the eyes of each other. Looking back, we have both adopted some of each other's ways of doing things---strickly by volunteer. I can truly say, that I see changes in him and in me. Again, thanks to everyone for their valuable input. This site has made a difference, and I shall visit often. I love facebook, but I wouldn't dare post personal stuff there! This site allowed me to get some unbiased advice, and I shall recommend it to others, instead of just giving my 2 cents. Special thanks to: Elaine Marley, DN, Lady00, Annie 24, and 2 sided coin. Y'all are some true debators! Keep up the good work. I look forward to keeping each other "posted", pun intended!! SMOOCHES!! Link to comment
metrogirl Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I hope it all works out for you. And yes, this place rocks! Link to comment
DN Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I hope it works out for you too. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 great - i am glad to hear the update and that you guys talked things out! good luck to you two! Link to comment
Elaine Marley Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Thanks for updating us. I'm glad things are better and you had a long discussion and came to some conclusions. Communication is so important. Best of luck to you! Link to comment
Stay_home Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Thanks for the nod and I hope things continue to move forward for you in your relationship. Link to comment
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