lady00 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I should add that my concern about his temper stems from my own issues with my own temper. I used to have a terrible temper and a very short fuse. As I've gotten older I've found ways of dealing with that and managing that because I've come to realize that people will always do things to upset me and I can't just freak out every time this happens. I have a much calmer approach to disagreements now and I think it's something that I have actively had to work on. Part of this is because I work in a high-pressure environment where I spend the vast majority of my waking hours and if you have a short temper in that kind of environment (which many people unfortunately do) it eats away at you. My experience with this is why I am concerned that if your bf doesn't address his temper issues, they may get out of hand. People with a hot temper can change, but they have to realize how destructive it is to themselves and actually do something about it. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I'm most worried that it sounds like he is 'checking up on you' - wanting to go straight to your bedroom and use the bathroom, wants to see if you are entertaining another man in your bed. was he cheated on in a previous relationship? It's one thing if he's just in the neighborhood, wants to come by and say hi and sit on the couch and have a beer. but the way he goes straight to your private bathroom makes me think he wanted to see if there was another man in your bed. i think that the lack of trust is a huge issue. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 It's a respect thing more than anything. Have a little consideration and courtesy for your partner than just showing up unannounced. The OP is entitled to some sort of privacy, (i.e, 4th amendment the right against unlawful search and seizure of person and property). Alright maybe that's getting a little deep, but the idea is still the same. Clearly though, I think the OP's boyfriend has some issues. Not only with privacy but with maturity as well. Link to comment
WAITING2EXHALE Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 Has he acted in that way around your children? If so, I would re-consider this relationship, since this may affect them emotionally. Thank goodness my children were never home when he did this!! Link to comment
WAITING2EXHALE Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 I'd just say that it's only been 7 months and if you already need counseling after that short of a time... Hopefully he will do something to address that and to address his temper. Otherwise, it doesn't sound like this relationship can work. I'm not trying to blame this all on him, I'm sure you have your faults too...just saying his temper and just showing up are things that will just get more problematic as your relationship gets more serious and they need to be addressed ASAP. If I were you, his willingness to address them would play very heavily into my decision to stay in this relationship. I was hoping by seeking professional help early, that we could get to bottom of what is ailing him or me (I do have faults, too), and go on to live fulfillin lives. He has done so many wonderful things, although his temper and insecurity is casting shadows on his efforts. Link to comment
WAITING2EXHALE Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 I am so glad u were able to introspect and make a change, if the same could be for my man, maybe we could have a good chance to make it. People can change if they choose to, or given enough reason to do so. Link to comment
WAITING2EXHALE Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 It's a respect thing more than anything. Have a little consideration and courtesy for your partner than just showing up unannounced. The OP is entitled to some sort of privacy, (i.e, 4th amendment the right against unlawful search and seizure of person and property). Alright maybe that's getting a little deep, but the idea is still the same. Clearly though, I think the OP's boyfriend has some issues. Not only with privacy but with maturity as well. BRAVO! A little respect goes a LONG way!! Link to comment
WAITING2EXHALE Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 I'm most worried that it sounds like he is 'checking up on you' - wanting to go straight to your bedroom and use the bathroom, wants to see if you are entertaining another man in your bed. was he cheated on in a previous relationship? It's one thing if he's just in the neighborhood, wants to come by and say hi and sit on the couch and have a beer. but the way he goes straight to your private bathroom makes me think he wanted to see if there was another man in your bed. i think that the lack of trust is a huge issue. U r correct again, it is so hard to build love without trust. If could trust with his heart more, it would make us able to relax more! Link to comment
WAITING2EXHALE Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 No, I just think there is a basic imcompatibility and that is all you really need to know to break off the relationship. There are circumstances and situations that succeed against all odds, I am hoping we can beat the odds. I really do care about him. Link to comment
ToF Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 OP, do you agree that you and your boyfriend are incompatible on some very fundamental levels? And I mean besides age. Link to comment
sweetpea03 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 It did actually make me feel disrespected in my own place. I did not feel I was rude to him at all. And u are most certainly right about the age and his immaturity. My patience has grown severly thin. Thanks for the input, lady00... I think he was disrespectful about not not listening to you and following your boundaries, but what is so bad about cuddling even if you have not showered yet? He obviously doesn't mind if you are not showered or if your bathroom is a mess. You are being a little anal, which may be what is making him so mad. He may feel rejected and not wanted. I would try talking to him again. Don't blame him, just have an open talk. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I think he was disrespectful about not not listening to you and following your boundaries, but what is so bad about cuddling even if you have not showered yet? He obviously doesn't mind if you are not showered or if your bathroom is a mess. You are being a little anal, which may be what is making him so mad. He may feel rejected and not wanted. I would try talking to him again. Don't blame him, just have an open talk. To me part of the problem is not that he was mad (we all get mad from time to time and he probably felt a little rejected because he showed up unannounced and she wasn't feeling like cuddling at that moment) but it's the way that he dealt with it. He should have 1) recognized that he showed up unannounced and she may not be prepared to see him and cuddle at that very second 2) she could have easily jumped in the shower so that she felt more comfortable (I don't see the problem with wanting to shower before cuddling...when I haven't showered yet I don't exactly smell like roses and it makes me uncomfortable to be intimate or cuddling with someone because I've been on the other end of it...cuddling with someone who is not exactly at their freshest and as attracted to the guy as I am, I don't really want to cuddle with someone who hasn't showered yet..I'm not saying a person should shower 10 times a day, but I do think there has to be some freshening up before cuddling if its been a while since your last shower...even if he was fine with it, she didn't feel comfortable and I don't think that's being anal). Instead of her simply hopping in the shower or him having the courtesy to call before showing up, something minor turned into a dramatic argument where it sounds like he just stormed up. I think the way of handling his emotions here is becoming problematic and the fact that the OP was already put off by the fact that he just showed up unannounced is also problematic. It's not like she confessed to cheating on him or something like that...she simply did not want to cuddle at the very moment he did and he got furious and stormed out. I think that is a childish way of dealing with a disagreement like that and he needs to find other ways of coping when he gets upset about something (relatively) minor. Link to comment
sweetpea03 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 This definitely was a situation where it was a mole hill that got turned into a mountain. Both sides could have dealt better with what happened. I guess, with me, I don't care to have to freshen up first in order to cuddle. I could care less if my boyfriend showers right before we cuddle or if we just lay on the couch grungy from the day. It doesn't bother me because I just want to be with him. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 This definitely was a situation where it was a mole hill that got turned into a mountain. Both sides could have dealt better with what happened. I guess, with me, I don't care to have to freshen up first in order to cuddle. I could care less if my boyfriend showers right before we cuddle or if we just lay on the couch grungy from the day. It doesn't bother me because I just want to be with him. I completely agree. As for the cuddling thing...I have snuggled with up to a stinky bf before (he had been traveling all day and didn't shower yet) and it wasn't fun (I didn't say anything because I didn't want to be rude and he eventually got up and showered). I think we're all different when it comes to that. Some people mind it, some don't. I would never make a huge deal about it because I wouldn't want to come off as rude, but it would be my preference to wait until we had both had a chance to shower for the day....kinda like how I don't like to kiss first thing in the morning before I get the chance to brush my teeth. It's just a preference thing. I think here what happened is something small was blown way out of proportion. I am worried about what happens when they have a disagreement over something major, if this is how he reacts over something like this. He should have not stormed out but rather just stayed and said "I don't mind if you haven't had the chance to shower yet" or "why don't you just jump in the shower for 5 minutes and I'll wait"...such a simple solution but instead he chose to flip out and leave. I think he's going to have to find other ways of dealing with disagreements if he's going to find any sort of healthy relationship with anyone. Link to comment
DN Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 The problem for me is that when something happens that involves multiple issues people seem to seize on one aspect of what happened and that trumps everything else. People are assuming that this guy is overly angry and controlling based on this incident without looking at all at cause and effect. This is really one of those times when it would be useful to get his take on what happened and why he reacted as he did - he may have seen your reluctance to let him in as prima facie evidence that you wee cheating on him.. But one thing is for sure - there is a basic incompatibility even if he isn't overly angry and controlling. He has a very relaxed or laid back attitude for him it's OK to drop in unannounced and doesn't care that the place doesn't look perfect or that you may not be freshly turned out. Whereas you are someone who likes to present the best side of herself at all times. Neither attitude is particularly wrong but unless one or the other is prepared to change their attitude no long -term relationship could survive - how could two people this disparate ever live together? Link to comment
Elaine Marley Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Not everyone is the same. I hate people showing up unannounced too. I just hate it, I don't care who it is. If I told an SO of seven months not to do it, and he kept doing it, I would get upset. Even if he doesn't agree with me that it's a big deal, he could at least respect my boundaries. She shouldn't have to have company when she doesn't want it. I also do not like to cuddle with smelly people and would want to take a shower before cuddling in case I was smelly. People are different and entitled to what they prefer and should not be chastised as though they are somehow "wrong" or "weird" for not liking sudden company or cuddling without a shower or wanting a clean house for guests. Some may find that "anal" but it's certainly not out of bounds or something. Besides, I think the real problem is that this guy doesn't trust her, was probably checking up on her, and has a temper. Link to comment
Elaine Marley Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I see where you are coming from, but I disagree. First, I think there is something to his jealousy and trust issues. But I suppose we can't really know without more information. Second, my husband and I are different in styles -- he is way more laid-back than I -- and this has never been a problem. We tend to complement each other; he brings some spontaneity into my life and I bring some order into his. Link to comment
DN Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Like I said - if that is what she wants that is fine. Other may people think it somewhat strange that when someone you describe as 'my man' and with whom you have an intimate relationship of several months duration is treated as if they are some sort of formal guest who requires an invitation, the house to be cleaned and becomes some sort of friendly acquaintance rather than as a lover who is always welcome. People who think the latter way may not be able to comprehend why someone expects that prior notice and may assume the only reason is to make sure that their lover doesn't show up at a time that they are entertaining someone else in the bedroom. Because had someone posted and said "my boyfriend/girlfriend always wants time to clean up his or her bedroom and bathroom and have a shower before I visit" there are people who would suggest it must be because of cheating. Link to comment
Elaine Marley Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Well, I don't require a formal invitation -- a phone call will do. I did the same with my husband before we lived together. But regardless, she said that he has done this before, and she asked him not to. I think it is because he is suspicious. Most people on here say to drop someone if you can't trust them. Because had someone posted and said "my boyfriend/girlfriend always wants time to clean up his or her bedroom and bathroom and have a shower before I visit" there are people who would suggest it must be because of cheating. And those people would be the ones with trust issues. Link to comment
DN Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Well, as I said, it is often the way that an issue is presented and by whom. Had he presented it in those terms I suggested there would be people who would say he is right to be suspicious. It is always worth while trying to see both sides of an issue if possible or at least to try and find out why people are acting as they are. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Whenever a guy I am seeing is coming over I have always taken the time to shower and freshen up and if necessary to make my bed, spruce up the living room a bit. It never occurred to me that guys might take this as a sign of cheating. Perhaps things change as a relationship gets more serious, I don't know. I guess different people will interpret things differently. What I will say is people have opportunities to cheat every day everywhere. At home, at work, at the park, at the mall (by that I mean they can meet at these places and do the cheating at the other person's home). I don't think he has any more reason to suspect she is cheating in her home than he does that she is cheating with a coworker if she happens to tell him she's working late one night. I think there is a huge element of trust in this. Unless she has given him reasons not to trust her, I don't see any basis for him not to. Also, OP says that he has lost his temper on several occasions, without warning. So, to me, that sounds like a pattern rather than a one-off incident. But it is true that we don't have his side of the story yet. I can only speak based on what OP has posted. If he thinks she is cheating, where do we draw the line between paranoia and legitimate reason to believe she is stepping out on him? Also, I guess I can see where it is not wrong to think the way he does, but I can say without a doubt that it is wrong to show up at your girlfriend's house unannounced again after she's already told him she does not like it. If he does not trust her he should dump her, not show up at her house unannounced to check up on her. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I understand about not wanting someone to just drop by well because your house may not be in the best order but I think at dating (exclusively?) for 7 months I think he would start to have some clue about how you tend house and well with 4 kids I feel your clutterred pain... BUT when do you let your hair down and let someone see you for who you are??? You are not immaculate (nothing bad about that) but why pretend for months on end that you are??? What do you gain by having the time before hand knowing your bf is coming over that your house is pristine??? At some point down the road he will see the real you - is it at 1yr, 2yr? Then the shocking thing will be when he starts to say things "like you used to do it"... "what happened?"... "it was never like this before". That's when conflict arises in relationships - at some point you have to you and I would say the sooner the better or else your bf isn't really dating you now is he? I completely understand how you feel about a lack of boundaries and how he has pushed that but try to take a minute and look at the other issue at hand. Good Luck Link to comment
DN Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Well again, people keep looking at this situation from their own personal perspective - but just because one person acts or reacts in a particular way doesn't mean that other people will or that their reaction is either wrong or weird. People have very different outlooks, customs, experiences and expectations based on custom, culture and upbringing. If this guy's normal experience is that you don't need an invitation to drop in on family or friends, especially when you share a bed with them on occasion, and most people he knows are the same then someone who does expect that is operating out of his norm and he is likely to want to know why. I see it on here all the time - people who like to share every emotion with a partner who get upset because their current partner doesn't. People who like to spend a lot on gifts and who get upset when their partners don't. People who are very close to their families and are upset because their partner's family are less affectionate or demonstrative. They then assume that there is something wrong with their partner. Sometimes these differences are such that the couple are incompatible - they can't compromise because they just cannot comprehend where their partner is coming from. The OP wants her privacy and to be able to present herself and her house as fresh and groomed as possible and thinks that because he can't understand that that he must be controlling and crass. He, on the other hand, can't get where she is coming from either and may think her behaviour is so strange that she must be concealing something. Neither partner is on the same page - because they aren't even reading from the same book. That doesn't make either of them necessarily over-secretive or over-controlling - it just makes them very different. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I think this makes sense. However, he could at least call first and say "hey, I'm thinking of dropping by around 2 so we can hang out, are you going to be home?" What if she is out running an errand or doing something else when he shows up? And what if she just wants to do something other than hang out with him at a particular moment in time (like talk to a friend who just went through a breakup) then she can say "hey Julie's coming over, she just had a rough breakup and needs to talk, why don't you come over around 3 instead?" Just to give a couple of examples. Link to comment
DN Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I feel like no one is trying to see anything other than from their own perspective and this is precisely why this relationship won't work. Link to comment
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