Thekid55's Healing Journal

[mhowe]

Sorry to hear that --- many marriages don't survive the "empty nest".

 

Try not to pick sides ---

[thekid55]

Hi All. Happy Thanksgiving. Just popping in for a quick update. Hope everyone reading this is doing well.

 

My wife and I decided to have Thanksgiving dinner with her family this year. It was a nice, uneventful evening. My immediate family had a split holiday. My mom, her side of the family, and my sister had dinner at my childhood home while my dad had dinner with my grandmom and his sister/family. Both sides of the happy seemed okay with the split holiday, but I opted to just avoid the situation. Plus, my family lives about 2-3 hours away from where we live while my wife's family is only 20 minutes away. I'll see my immediate family this weekend for a quick visit, but it still stinks.

 

Everything regarding our marriage is going well. We're both very happy and recently received our wedding video. Lots of great memories!

[Silverbirch]

Very nice to read that things are going so well in your relationship!

[Gis0392]

Hi All. Happy Thanksgiving. Just popping in for a quick update. Hope everyone reading this is doing well.

 

My wife and I decided to have Thanksgiving dinner with her family this year. It was a nice, uneventful evening. My immediate family had a split holiday. My mom, her side of the family, and my sister had dinner at my childhood home while my dad had dinner with my grandmom and his sister/family. Both sides of the happy seemed okay with the split holiday, but I opted to just avoid the situation. Plus, my family lives about 2-3 hours away from where we live while my wife's family is only 20 minutes away. I'll see my immediate family this weekend for a quick visit, but it still stinks.

 

Everything regarding our marriage is going well. We're both very happy and recently received our wedding video. Lots of great memories!

 

 

Oh wow thekid, I literally read the entire journal, infact I would save some and get so excited to come back and read, it was like my personal book I can relate to, your relationship resonates a lot with my past relationship,(except I'm a girl) I saw what you did and I know exactly what I'm doing wrong... It's been 1 year and 3 months since the break up and I'm just starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel, really, cried every month for a year and 2 months I was just miserable and to be honest I'm not sure if I've cleaned any of that up, I still think of him, but it hurts and still stings me a bit knowing he's moved on to another girl and is engaged to her (mind you he proposed to her 3 months after they started dating) we dated for about 3 years, and 9 months after the break up he started dating again, he's a med student (2nd yr)

I miss him very much and I'm starting to work on myself becuase I'm so sick and tired of being miserable, I had sooo much planned for us, sooo much, I built an empire of hopes and dreams for the both of us only to have him leave me becuase I lost myself in the relationship, I lost myself I loved him more then me and that's when everything started going downhill (just like you mentioned) I still wish that we have a future together but I shouldn't do that to myself, dream dream and dream only to have them destroyed, so yeah, working on myself, and since I come from a really and extremely bad home I'm working on leaving for good so that should give me time to focus on myself, I'm excited and nervous for the new journey as I am planning on leaving everything behind me everything that I have ever known behind me for good, and I hope in that transition I can move forward without looking back

I'm just starting to be thankful for the break up and my ex because without I wouldn't be where I am today, I'm very thankful, I've learned so much about myself, and I'm grateful, I just hope that oneday I can find that one person I can love as much as I loved my ex...but that should come right after I form a great relationship with myself.

Thanks once again, I reallyyyy enjoyed your journal!! Keep us posted, lol you're like a celebrity here

 

-Giselle

[thekid55]

Hey all. Popping in for a quick update. My father filed for divorce in December and needless to say, it's been pretty rough for the last few months. Growing up, my dad was always my 'hero'. He was a great provider, always came to my sporting events/coached, etc. My mother has been terminally ill for about 15 years and also suffers from a 'split personality'. My dad let her treat him like her doormat for about 20 years until he finally caved and moved out. My mom lives alone now in our childhood home and can't get around very well. I worry about her a lot.

 

To make matters worse, My mother calls me at least once per day and just cries. She's a mess. I try to be supportive for her, but it's hard and affects me. My dad does have a girlfriend even though the divorce hasn't been finalized yet. that doesn't make things easier. He has changed a lot and treats trivial things like 'business transactions' now. I guess people and things change as life goes on.

 

I know this post is a little scattered, but it's hard trying to emotionally support both parents, my wife, and everything else that's going on in my life. In typical 'thekid55' fashion, I've been staying busy with work, exercise and friends.

 

Life definitely isn't easy and just when you think you've gotten it all figured out, life throws a curveball. I started this journal worrying about my own personal love life: now I'm more concerned about my overall family dynamic while trying to be supportive to both parents. Tough time don't last but tough people do. I'll work my way through this one and will try to add more details at a later time.

[Ms Darcy]

I kind of feel for your dad. It sounds like he stuck around in a tough situation - perhaps to take care of you. And now he's trying to take care of his own needs.

 

Perhaps your mom can have a caregiver help her out a few hours a week?

[meozorchild]

Hey kid, you should continue in typical "thekid55" fashion! It's much better for you, your family and your wife that you maintain rock-like consistency in these difficult times. My thoughts and prayers go out to your family.

[thekid55]

I kind of feel for your dad. It sounds like he stuck around in a tough situation - perhaps to take care of you. And now he's trying to take care of his own needs.

 

Perhaps your mom can have a caregiver help her out a few hours a week?

 

My dad didn't want to miss watching his kids (my sister and I) grow up, which is definitely commendable and I loved having my Dad involved in my life. Not everyone can attest to that. My sister is going to live with my Mom for a little while, so that takes some pressure off.

 

I should be more open minded about some of his personal choices, but I'm having a hard time--for now. As humans, we dislike change, so I guess I need time to accept it.

[thekid55]

Thanks! To answer your question about 'getting back together', I believe two people get back together (and stay together) when both people spend time 'working on themselves'. I know that sounds cliche, but in reality, there's a reason why the 'first relationship' failed. Think about that, write it down, reason with yourself. For my relationship, we were both 22 at the time and were about a year from graduating college. We were both stressing over graduation and 'what would happen next'. That took a toll on our relationship and led to the breakup; she ended up going to counseling to work on some of her other issues. Her dad left at a young age and she's had a hard time accepting it, so she needed time to deal with those emotions plus the emotions associated with a life change, like graduating college. Counseling helped her big time and made her a better person. She had to address these issues on her own; there's nothing I could have done to help her.

 

I also needed some time to grow up. I didn't accept the breakup at first, but looking back on it, it was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I was able to work on myself, talk to some smart people and make even more friends on ENA (thank you!), reconnect with old friends, and have new experiences. All of those things made me a better, stronger man. I'm forever grateful that our breakup happened.

 

When we 'got back together', it was a joint decision. I needed to see that she had changed and vice versa. The first relationship failed, so I didn't want to go down that path again with the same person. Over time, I noticed the changes (she was much more mature), but still took it slow. We ultimately got engaged and married, but needed a lot of time to see if the relationship would work. Plus, after college ended, we lived 2 hours apart so we did a lot of commuting each weekend to see each other (on top of going to work).

 

For anyone that's currently going through a tough break-up, just realize that you aren't alone! You're going to make mistakes, but there's a great support system here. Worry about things you can control. You can (and will) grow into a stronger person. I believe that all humans are shaped by their experiences and you can use a breakup to become a stronger person.

 

 

 

Hey kid, you should continue in typical "thekid55" fashion! It's much better for you, your family and your wife that you maintain rock-like consistency in these difficult times. My thoughts and prayers go out to your family.

[thekid55]

Hey all. Popping in for a late night update. Overall, things are kinda crazy right now. My parents are still going through their divorce, so I'm trying to balance both relationships. Plus, my Dad has been very open and honest with me about having a girlfriend. Sometimes, my Mom will flat out ask me if he has a girlfriend and that puts me in a tough spot. I normally say 'I don't know' since it's not my place to tell her what he is/isn't doing. Plus, he told my Mom that he isn't willing to share any facts about his personal life. I haven't met his girlfriend yet and don't feel comfortable doing so until the divorce is finalized. He wants me to meet his girlfriend, but I've been pretty clear about how I feel. My Dad acknowledges that he's putting me in a tough spot, but there's nothing I can do about it. I was trying to arrange plans on a holiday weekend with my Dad, but since his girlfriend will be around, we had to postpone them. I feel like he's picking her over me, but I don't know. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive. I want him to be happy!

 

Long day, though. Time for bed!

[meozorchild]

Your father is probably excited about the new relationship and wishes he could share his excitement with you. But if I were you, I'd tell him the same thing.

[thekid55]

Hey guys. Back for a quick update! I'm very busy with things at work, but being busy is always better than the alternative! A few late night thoughts:

 

A few months ago, I wrote about my issues with my parents. Needless to say, it's been a rocky road. My wife, sister and I met my dad's girlfriend last month and needless to say, it went horribly. My dad chose to introduce her at our second home, which is currently for sale. His girlfriend used all of my mom's cooking supplies and it was very awkward for us to see her 'assume' my mom's role. His girlfriend is very opinionated about a lot of things and was flat out rude to us during portions of the visit. Towards the end of the meeting, she asked us what we thought of her. We were brutally honest and told her that we didn't like her due to some of comments and her values are just a lot different than what our values are. My Dad has been sticking up for his girlfriend even though we've told him that we don't like her and think she's bad for him. I'm going to have dinner with him tomorrow, but am not expecting it to go well.

 

As a side note, remember the girl I broke up when I got back together with my wife? Well, I found out that she got engaged recently. I'm happy for her and it goes to show that people do end up moving on and finding better relationships for themselves. I'll always think she's a special person and I don't have anything bad to say about her. In fact, I'm happy for her!

[lilmissbubb]

Final Thoughts

 

I miss this girl like crazy, but I'm slowly letting go. That's the only way you can get yourself back. I'd like to have her back someday, but not until I'm 100% happy again and she gets this whole phase out of her system.

 

Hopefully this gave you an intro to my situation and feel free to chime in whenever.

 

Just remember, when you love someone, you never give up. That doesn't mean you'll get them back, but if you truly love someone, you'll want them to always be happy. Your happiness, however, is always the top priority.

 

Don't forget the push-pull dynamic. The more you push, the worse things will become. You can never 'pull' too much. The best gift you can give an ex? The gift of missing you. Go away.

 

If you envision positive things, they'll happen for you.

 

 

 

Just read this again and thank you for this. Its been abt 3-4 months since we broke up and we have been together for xx number of years since Junior high school, we are both in our very late 20s now. The break up was somewhat mutual but more of it coming from him. Reason is he has taken me for granted all these years and i allowed myself to be taken advantage of in the relationship. I have been coping well, did not beg nor plead. Also initiated no contact even though he is trying to reach out to be friends. Doing what makes me happy because I deserve it. I definitely miss this boy but I always remind myself that this break up is good for us to grow as individuals and become better people for ourselves. Leaving everything in God's hands and having faith that we will come back stronger when the timing is perfect for both of us or when our paths cross again one day.

[thekid55]

Hey Guys. Hope all is well. I'm popping in for an update! It's been about 7 months since my last post, but things are going well here. My marriage keeps getting better and I love my wife more and more each day. We are starting to think about kids and buying a home. We still need to save more money in order to get the house, but we have a plan!

 

I started a new job in March at a pretty well known company. I took a promotion, so I'm very happy!! (Wife and I had a big celebratory dinner!) I worked at my old job, which was my first full time job, for about 5 years. During those 5 years, I logged a ton of hours and got a lot of great experience. The environment and people were toxic, but from a technical standpoint, I learned what I needed to. I also learned what a dysfunctional environment looks like. Whether it's a job or relationship, you can't tell if something (or someone) is toxic if you are enduring the day-to-day rigors; you can only see it once you step away from it.

 

My new job is great; the people are so nice and culture is 1000x better. The work-life balance is also much better! I'm a little young relative to my peers at the new job (hence 'thekidd' screen name) but I'm an old soul so i fit in. The new job also has some nice perks, so I'm enjoying myself! Goes to show that hard working pays off when the right opportunity presents itself!!

 

In terms of my Dad, I saw him and his girlfriend around Christmas time. We went out to dinner---and it wasn't memorable at all. My parents' divorce has been finalized so we are trying to help my Mom sell our childhood home. She wants to move into a smaller place, so we've been cleaning up the attic, house, basement in preparation of selling it. My mom has been very emotional during the process, so I've done my best to be there for her. Some of my friends have helped me during this process, so I'm grateful.

 

Overall, things are good on my end. Keep

Working hard to improve yourself and good things will happen!

[Ms Darcy]

Glad to hear things are going well! Marriage to the right person is pretty awesome. Working at the right job is pretty darn awesome as well!

 

And it sounds like your mom is coping better.

[Realitynut]

Thanks for the Update Kid....Sounds like your life is going great! To be honest, when I first started reading your thread...(how many years ago?)....I thought you'd NEVER get back with your NOW wife...and really thought you were kind of an A$$....!!! lol But you pulled it out...and I applaud you! Not many can do what you have done.

 

Perseverance.

[thekid55]

Thanks for the Update Kid....Sounds like your life is going great! To be honest, when I first started reading your thread...(how many years ago?)....I thought you'd NEVER get back with your NOW wife...and really thought you were kind of an A$$....!!! lol But you pulled it out...and I applaud you! Not many can do what you have done.

 

Perseverance.

 

Hey RN. Thanks for the message. This thread was started a long time ago (Lol), but I learned a lot during the process. I'm still learning each and everyday. My challenges now are obviously different now than they were at the start of the journal but when I feel myself start to slip, I have to re-focus. To help

me achieve these goals, I've sought out answers and best practices. I've been listening to a lot of different podcasts about self improvement from a physical, emotional and spiritual standpoint. I even listened to one about learning how to properly breathe! (Sounds crazy but people do not know how to properly breathe. I learned some good techniques and it does wonders for stress reduction).

 

I would say that anxiety and just fear in general are things I'm working to overcome. I tend to get stressed out easily at work, but I've gotten better. Changing jobs definitely helped me. Everyday is a journey and quite simply, I'm just happy to open my eyes every

Morning. I'm trying to take life a little less seriously and so far, it's had some positive benefits. People around me are more at peace and we are able to have more fun. At this point, I'm just rambling but everyday life throws challenges at us; deciding how we are going to react is up to us.

[Raindrop22]

Your story is one of my favorites. I had a kick out of reading the whole thing! I felt like it was a theatrical play or something. I literally forgot I was dealing with heartbreak myself because I was consumed by the emotions that occurred throughout your journey. You really evolved and I'm so happy for how things unfolded for you. True love always find its way. You just have to trust the process and believe in yourself first. Loving yourself and having confidence is incredibly attractive! You truly can tell just walking down a busy street if someone has that spark or not.

I always use to say, fill your cup, your partner should only be over flowing it

 

My heart goes out to your mom during this emotional time. She's entering a new chapter of her life and saying goodbye to the old can be heart wrenching. A big hug to mama!

 

Thank you for continuing to share your journey in life. It's real, raw, and truth! Love it!

[JustAGoodGuy]

I can't cook, either. So that has sucked, a lottttt.

 

I definitely feel you on that one. If it doesn't come with directions on how long to put it in the microwave, I'm screwed (okay, I'm not quite THAT bad, but it is bad). That's one thing I miss about my ex...alot. She absolutely loved cooking.

[thekid55]

Hey guys. Popping in for an update. Overall, my marriage and new job is going great! I'm learning new things everyday and couldn't be happier with it. I saw my Dad for Father's Day and things went well. We watched basketball together and had snacks. Felt like old times. My relationship with him is slowly starting to rebuild, so I'm happy about that.

 

My relationship with my Mom has been very rocky, which sucks. We aren't on the same page whatsoever and I've been burying my head into other distractions, namely gambling. I notoriously bury my feelings into activities so I don't have to address them directly. (Not healthy)...

 

The only concern that I have right now is a slight gambling problem. I'm using math and analytics to make picks in horse racing, but things aren't going my way. I've been doing this for about two months, but I don't like the feeling of losing and have promised myself that I will stop. Overall, I'm down about $50 after I had a few big wins the beginning of May. My wife hasn't said anything to me about it and I've been honest with her that I've been playing low stakes all along. She doesn't have an issue with it but it's something that I need to stop for myself. The Internet has made it way too easy to gamble/bet, which stinks, but I need to have more willpower. I want to get ahead of this gambling issue before it snowballs into something bigger. I've only bet one race in the last two days, but I'm confident that I can get through today without gambling. I've eliminated all of the gambling stuff from my iPhone, so im taking steps in the right directions. I held strong today until very late at night when I made my 'last bet' on a stakes race (and lost). I felt so angry at myself for doing that that it ruined the rest of my night. I don't show the anger or disappointment but inside, I'm upset with myself.

 

As we've all seen throughout this journal, I have an addictive personality, which can be good sometimes, but is mostly bad. Overall I've addressed this issue and will make it my duty not gamble tomorrow. One day at a time...

[Realitynut]

Good Job Kidd, that you recognized the issue, and are taking steps to stop it. Yes....gambling is so easy to fall in to. I did it on Ebay...for 3 years in a row. I'd start around Oct. and say I was buying Christmas presents...well, one thing led to another, and I ended up with 50 paperweights, not one. TONS of shirts...not ONE black shirt. Even a tux...and a bunch of suits. (good deal!) I never thought I had an addictive personality, until I met up with ebay! lol

 

So yep...nip it in the bud. Very few people end up on the 'up' side of gambling. But I know you can do it! Stay positive, and let us know how the house hunting and baby making process is going!

[luisannalui]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Lot of help.

[JWooten15]

Wow, thanks so much for keeping this log. I'm sure there were many, many times that you didn't see the point of it anymore -- but knowing how it all ended up, it's such an amazing story to read!

 

Unfortunately, I'm where you used to be. Certain that my ex is the woman I want to marry, and knowing she still loves me also, but 100% unsure of the future. She still contacts me every few days, but nothing worth writing home to.

 

I have no idea how things will turn out, but with a blessing of God, I pray that my story ends the same as yours. Congrats, man. And Hope all is well!!

[thekid55]

Hey Guys. Popping in for an update. All is well for me.

 

A few months ago, I took issue with a friend that chose not to invite us to his wedding. We invited him to our weddding and he came. This is a friend who I've known for about 10 years and lived with for 2 years. I never received a call or note from him either saying why we weren't invited when other friends were, so I was bothered by it. Normally, it shows good manners to do so, but I chose not to ask him about it. This particular friend is also good friends with 'E', the girl I broke up with to get back together with my wife. E was at his wedding with her fiancé, so I believe she had something to do with why we weren't invited. Maybe E never got over me, who knows, but it stinks that my friend didn't invite us.

 

Which brings me to my next point---E is getting married soon. I saw her wedding page and I'm definitely happy for her. Overall, I think it's normal to wonder when these types of things happen. I'm not saying that I wish it was me who was marrying her. Rather, I think back to when my wife and I got back together. E's feelings were hurt and i definitely felt bad, but I had to do what was right for myself at the time. E was a sweet girl that deserved someone nice and I hope her future husband treats her well.

 

If you are reading this journal for the first time, an update like this one brings things full circle. I hurt E, E moved on (hopefully) and is now getting married. Seeing me and my wife may have set her back, so it was probably good for her that we weren't at that wedding. Goes to show that things happen for a reason.

 

Feel free to weigh in.

 

-thekid

[thekid55]

Hi All. Popping in for an update. All is well on my end. Corporate Job is going well, marriage is great! Enjoying some football!

 

I've started exploring some different career paths for myself. I believe that we should always be re-inventing ourselves, so I'm always reading new books, generating ideas, etc.

 

One of my dreams is to join an NFL team and work in player personnel. Over the last few years, I've done some work on player evaluation, wrote a report and sent it to some teams for review. To date, I've sent out maybe 20 emails and I received one response, asking for my resume.