JustAGoodGuy

You know what's harder than accepting the fact that you just didn't love me the way you said you did, the way I thought you did, and the same way I loved you? It's accepting the fact that our friendship was worthless to you. I have been accepting it and dealing with it, but I just want you to know that I think it's wrong to blame me for ruining our chances of being friends. I made it clear to you that being friends wasn't going to be easy for me, but I still wanted it to happen, and you said you did too. I didn't see the effort on your part and your mom even agreed. I also made it clear that I didn't know how I'd handle it if you started dating someone else, and instead of being understanding and giving me the time to heal, so we could build that friendship, you chose to say goodbye. That made it clear that dating someone else was more of a priority than being friends was. That also killed it. You showed me very little to no understanding of why I was upset and it caused me to lash out. I wanted you to feel every bit of pain I was feeling. I know it's not right, but I'm only human, and it's a perfectly normal reaction when someone hurts you. You acted like I had no reason to be upset, even to the point where I was called a psycho for being upset. Sorry, but you don't just push stop on loving someone. I felt so alone and the only person I felt I could turn to wouldn't even speak to me. And you can't deny that all this was happening way before any drama, so that's why I think it's wrong to blame me. I don't place any blame on you personally for ruining our chances of being friends, but I do blame your actions and the way you dealt with things, if that makes sense. You handled things in a way you were comfortable with, and I can't fault you for that, but I'm allowed to disagree. That's all it is at this point. I disagreed with how you handled things, so it was up to you to understand why and do something about it, not me. For me, the way you handled things came off as selfish. It seemed like all you were concerned about was yourself and you expected and wanted me to respect your wishes, while my wishes were unanswered and completely ignored. I was always hoping you'd understand at some point but I guess not...and that's what still hurts even after 5 1/2 months...and it's a shame really...

I truly wish we could've ended on better terms, whether we became friends or not, but there's clearly no reasoning with you anymore, so goodbye "R". I've had the patience of a saint while trying to talk to you lately, but enough's enough. Things are finally starting to fall into place with my life, just like you wanted from me, just like I knew was going to happen, and just like I needed you to have the patience for. But even after having things start going my way, and I should be feeling happier, there's still something (someone) missing. I have no one to share my good news with and I get sad. You bailed on me during a tough time though, so as much as it tears me apart inside, I know deep down that you don't deserve to be a part of my life during the best. I wish I had good things to say, but honestly, this lack of communication and inability to reason with you has left me with no choice but to make conclusions that leave me with an awful taste in my mouth that will never go away. I'm truly disgusted. Seriously, what the f*** happened to you? Do I even know you? You sure as hell ain't the same person I met. The person I met was loyal, loving, caring, understanding, and would've always been there for me, even before our relationship when we were just friends.

Pretty much every one of my observations have been correct, even your mom agreed, despite what she might've told you. And no, you didn't love me. You don't even know what love is. If only you stopped focussing on my actions, and the things I said when I was upset, and looked at your own for a moment...ask yourself, the things you did--are those the actions of someone that loved me? No. They're not. I went from meaning the world to you one day, to meaning absolutely nothing the next. Did you ever even realize that you left me out of the blue with basically no reason, other than to be with someone else? And on Valentine's day of all days. It's pretty damn hurtful. Sure, you didn't physically cheat on me, that I know of, but there's such thing as emotional cheating too. It's just as hurtful. You checked out of our relationship and were more-than-likely already thinking about this new relationship before you ever broke up, yet you acted like everything was fine. That's emotional cheating. Your mom telling me that those opportunities with your new boyfriend came up rather suddenly and too soon, even in her opinion, is an understatement and complete bulls**t. You thought about this before you broke up. I know you did. I know you too well. You got a case of the grass is greener syndrome. I was understandably upset. I made mistakes. I said things. I did things. I wasn't thinking clearly. I do see my own faults now though, and I'm working on them, but I still feel my 'faults' were no excuse to leave if you actually loved me, but I'm accepting it for what it is. We never even had a major fight. I remember telling you after you broke up that it felt like you weren't mature enough to be in a satisfying relationship. You agreed. Yet you jumped into another one anyways without giving any time to yourself to work on your own flaws. Now that I pointed out the obvious, Do you honestly think that was a good idea and perfectly healthy? And did you honestly think that I'd be perfectly okay with it? You know that's just an 'emotional band-aid' right? I bet things moved rather quickly to reach the same level we were at in our relationship right? I bet all your thinking about is how great your new relationship is huh? It might be great, but more times than not, people that jump from one relationship to the next like that are just rationalizing how great the new relationship is to justify breaking up with their last partner. Things move quickly and they don't get to know each other on an emotional level and they don't see the flaws until later. I know you were hurt by what you did. I know it hurt you to hurt me like that. I really don't want to talk about this stuff anymore, and I haven't been, but when you ignore my good news, it causes pain and makes me want to say these things. And it probably hurts you to hear them. It's why you were ignoring me in the first place. But hey, I've never heard anyone say, "the truth doesn't hurt". So why continue to inflict more pain on the both of us? I've been nothing but forward-moving with you lately. I've been nothing but positive with you. At the same time, I've given you time, I've given you space. If it's not enough, tell me. Ignoring your problems doesn't solve anything and it comes off as stubborn and immature.

Ah screw it, here she goes...just "a little" rage rant. I have so much pent up pain that's turning into rage. I want her to feel every bit of pain she has inflicted on me. Well, time to move on in the way you wanted me to. I'm *beeping* done trying to be the bigger person. I don't need to prove that to you. I already have. This is just another reaction to another one of your poor decisions. I'm *beeping* done with you. I wouldn't even wipe my *beep* with you. You've really showed how much of a lying, gold-digging sack of *beep* *beep* you really are. You really must think I'm *beeping* stupid huh? It's been so *beeping* obvious you left me for money. Who the *beep* would wanna be with that stupid *beep* *beeping* looking mother *beeper* you call a boyfriend if it wasn't for the money and shoving vibrating snowmachines up your *beep*. It's also been so *beeping* obvious that this "wall" you've put up against me is to block yourself from that feeling that what you did was so *beeping* wrong and unfair and has nothing to do with how I've acted. You know DAMN WELL I'VE BEEN RIGHT THE WHOLE *BEEPING* TIME AND THAT'S WHY YOU SHUT ME OUT! You couldn't *beeping* handle how right I was. I've *beeping* looked at our conversations, and EVERY *beeping* time I started to tread closer to the truth. SURPRISE! You'd put up your little *beeping* "wall" and ignore me. I was understandably hurting, and never deserved to be treated like that. There's a lot you could've said that gave me closure and would have set me free--I've given you so many opportunities to do that, but you refuse to say whatever the truth is because you don't want to believe that your such a *beeping* *beepy* person. You're convinced that if you don't admit it, then it's not true. Well guess what? IT IS *BEEPING* TRUE! BELIEVE IT! You're a cold-hearted, money hungry, narcissistic, selfish, childish, unloyal, untrustworthy, liar that only gives a *beep* about yourself and no one else. The very worst of the worst types of people. So what was the deal? You get to ride his snowmobile in exchange for some *beep* sucking? Kind of reminds me of when you met me--you wanted to ride the *beeping* snowmachine with me at work. What was the matter? You weren't able to do that this winter so you *beeping* jumped ship on me? Why the *beep* else would you feel guilty about going out with your friends? I never stopped you from going out and having fun riding snowmobiles, quads, or whatever the *beep*, so yes, you ARE a *beeping* terrible person and I HOPE you feel like *beep*. You deserve it. I ACTUALLY LOVED YOU! YOU CAN'T EVEN SAY YOU DID! At least I have the *beeps* to say this *beep* to your face unlike you and your mother talking *beep* behind my back. I hope this makes you feel half as *beepy* as you've made me feel just so you can experience a fraction of the hurt I've went through. You *beeping* led me on BIG TIME. I actually thought you loved me. That was the biggest *beeping* lie ever. You checked out of our relationship long before you even broke up--you even admitted this--you *beeping* strung me along so you wouldn't have to feel lonely, for GOD knows how long until you found out this new *beeping* wannabe hillbilly *beep* was a sure thing. Makes me wonder what else was a *beeping* lie. Was I even your first *beep*? Probably not. You would think that if I was your first, I would've meant a little more to you than what you've shown me. It clearly meant *beep* all to you. You're so *beeping* narcissistic and have your head shoved so far up your mom's *beep* that you couldn't even *beeping* see that I was hurt and was trying my best to salvage ANYTHING out of this mess you AND your mother caused. Nope. I get *beeping* blamed. In the true form of a couple of *beeping* narcissists. I wish I could wish you happiness but I can't. I tried to, but why the hell do you deserve it if you don't wish the same for me? I can't wait until this relationship of yours exposes itself for what it really *beeping* is--nothing but a meaningless hollow rebound relationship to get your little *beeeeeeeeeeeep* from the vibrations of snowmobiles and quads. And then guess what happens? You lose one of your bestfriends when you bail for the next new flavour of the day. *beeping* poor judgement call on your part dating your friend's brother. You now have so much to lose, and I have everything to gain. When your future is crumbling apart, and you most-likely get knocked up, and have to drop out of college...GUESS WHAT? I will be rising from the ashes from this poor excuse of a joke I once thought was a meaningful relationship like a majestic-*beep* phoenix, and my life will be so much better than yours. I will be happier than you'll ever be. I don't *beeping* need money for that. Clearly you do though. So until then, you and your two-faced mother can go *beep* yourselves and have a nice day! Wait...have the worst *beeping* day of your life...for over 2 months straight...everyday...and counting...and see how that *beeping* feels! Congratulations! You earned it! Oh yea! Why don't you show (we'll call him "Mr. T") this too. Let's see if he has the *beeps* to stick up for you like I would've done by now.

Bad idea to post the email I wanted to send my ex earlier--too many curse words and insults I was overcome with so much anger that I had to write it, save it, and not send it. It's going in my 'back pocket' for if I finally decide she is worth the hurt that this email would bring upon her. I know she deserves it, but that means stooping to her level. It's quite the dilemma I face when I go through that anger. It also fascinates me how I feel completely different within hours.

I just posted lastnight about how I felt. There was lots of feelings of disappointment. I felt like posting again because I was overcome with an extreme amount of anger today--to the point of rage. At this point, I have absolutely no hope of her contacting me ever again. I'm dying to reach out to her because of the animosity between us. I want that to end once and for all. There was NEVER any reason for it. It's the one thing I find holding me back from healing. I was overcome with anger because I know damn well she won't respond no matter what I say. I know lots of you will think, I'm not ready to talk to her if there's still that much anger, but your wrong. I am so ready. It's important for me to do this now otherwise this pain will go on for years. I'm fed up with it and I'm a strong enough person to handle whatever she tosses at me--or doesn't toss at me. I wrote out the nastiest email that would probably make heads explode if people saw it. I saved it and never hit send. It took away alot of aggression I was feeling. I think if I end up reaching out to her soon and she doesn't respond, this email will get sent and it will be over for good. She won't like it one bit, but she deserves every curse word and insult in it. I never deserved or asked for any of this--all the lying, ignoring, and the emotional cheating. If she really can't respond to an innocent email that wishes her happiness and gives her forgiveness, then it truly shows that she is the scum of this earth and deserves to be smashed back into the dirt where she belongs. It's not a for sure thing but I thought I'd share my emotions. I could feel differently tomorrow, I could feel differently in an hour. You never know. She knows she's still got me by the short & curly's and always will until I stand up for myself and tell her where to shove it. I'm taking back control of my life and if stooping as low as her is what it's going to take, I'll do it. I went 30 days with no contact and before that she would still ignore me no matter what I said until I would blow up and lash out--then get mad at me when I was originally just trying to be nice. I've read so many posts about how completely ignoring someone is NO way to handle things. I think that's where alot of my anger is stemming from. I've been so wronged by her ignoring.

I definitely feel you on that one. If it doesn't come with directions on how long to put it in the microwave, I'm screwed (okay, I'm not quite THAT bad, but it is bad). That's one thing I miss about my ex...alot. She absolutely loved cooking.

I believe day 30 just ended. Over 2 months since the breakup I've been feeling alot of disappointment lately. I'm disappointed because she was never still there, even though she said she would be. I'm disappointed because all she sees me as is the "negative past" and I see all the fun and great times we had. I'm disappointed because she said I can be selfish yet she left someone that truly loved her, to be with someone for her own personal materialistic gains--ie: the "fun" she said she wanted to have; the snowmobiles, the ATV's, the stuff her 'shiny' new 'thing' she calls a boyfriend has. One day I hope she realizes there's more important stuff out there than material things and money. I'm disappointed that her values and morals suddenly changed like that. I'm disappointed in myself for how I've acted at first, but It was the disappointment of being lied to, ignored, and cheated on (emotionally) that caused me to behave that way. The same can be said about coming into a man's life and doing that...

Depressing for sure. Today's been an okay day, but it seems to come in "waves". I'll have a few REALLY bad days followed by a couple okay ones. Even on my okay days I can't seem to shake the thought in the back of my mind that another wave of bad days are bound to follow. I got way too much spare time on my hands at the moment which is making it really hard. I still think about her all the time, even when I'm out with my friends. I try not to talk about it too much and I try to have fun and pretend to be happy. I think it feels good knowing there's someone there to vent to if I feel the need to though. I'm just getting worried that I'm starting to sound like a broken record to them because it's been about 2 months since we broke up. I've made the mistake of freaking the hell out awhile back. I said alot of things I know I shouldn't have and I definitely regret. I couldn't help it though. Being ignored and finding out she was with someone else so soon made me explode. I've since sincerely apologised for saying the things I said but she never responded and didn't seem to care that I was really trying to turn over a new leaf, which sucks. I know I've made the "classic mistakes" that only makes things worse but I just wish she could forgive me already, and see that I really started trying to do the right thing. At this point, I think it's wanting that forgiveness that continues to hurt me. I know we had a good relationship so it's just weighing heavily on my conscience knowing that she probably hates me because of the things I said. I know I shouldn't expect that from her and she doesn't owe me anything--although, an explanation would be nice--but that's just the kind of person I am. I tend not to care what people think of me, unless what they think of me isn't who I am. She just seems to be holding a grudge on me for freaking out and saying things I shouldn't have and didn't mean (well, they were mostly accusations, which turned out to be true so I kind of did mean them but I know it was wrong of me for bombarding her with them). I know we could still have a healthy friendship because of all our shared interests. She brought so much positivity and good influence in my life, which I lacked before and struggle to find--not just through her but also through her family and friends--so it's been really hard not having that anymore.

Day 21 of N/C 53 days since break up I thought this was suppose to get easier. It's really not. I have okay days and I have bad days. My okay days aren't that great and my bad days seem to be worse than ever. I'm still depressed and I miss everything about her. I seem to feel the worst at night when there's no one there to hold me. I cry every night still, and that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach isn't going away. I'm having a really hard time finding enjoyment in anything I do. We shared so many of the same hobbies and passtimes that I find it difficult to do any of them because they remind of her. Living in a small community without much to do or offer doesn't help. I still have no idea what went wrong--she just left me out of the blue on Valentine's Day--and was with someone else basically the next day. They weren't together that day, but it led to what it is now. I feel cheated on. One of the last things she said to me was that she misses my dog and hopes to come see her soon. I thought it meant something if she missed some sort of aspect of me but I'm beginning to doubt that. It seems like another case of getting my hopes up only to have them crushed. I have come to terms with the fact that I lost her but it's still really painful knowing that she was perfect for me and everything I was ever looking for. I've met a couple girls in the past two weeks but I just can't find any spark or chemistry the way we had and it really sucks. I've heard so many people say "there's plenty of fish in the sea" but I feel like I'm nowhere near the sea and only have a tiny pond that's almost dried up to fish out of. Her mother offered to talk to me and try to help me through this a few weeks back and she did help alot...until an email of a conversation between her and her daughter accidentally got forwarded to me. Her mother was saying some pretty hurtful things about me behind my back that aren't true and it seems like she was the cause of all this--brainwashing and manipulating her daughter into thinking I'm a terrible person or something, for some reason. Looking back, the way her mother started acting towards me was the only sign that anything might've been wrong--her daughter really loved me up until the last day. Her mother really loved me before, so I really don't know when that changed. I was making so many positive changes in my life. It seems her mother lost patience in me, while her daughter still believed in me but was manipulated into believing I'm worthless. That's the impression I got from this email.

Broke N/C on day 7 40 days since breakup I broke no-contact to wish her a happy birthday, despite most of your advice. I did it, and it felt great. She reacted exactly how I expected her to react...and then some. It wasn't a big, long, sappy, romantic "birthday wish" to "make her come running back". I simply plopped one of our happiest memories together in her head and wished her the best. I kept it positive and she was really appreciative. I'm sure it meant alot more to her than all the generic "happy birthday" wishes I'm sure she's most definitely getting on Facebook. It even led to a conversation with her which I promptly cut short while things were positive. I AM moving on, with, or without her and it felt good removing some of the negative emotions that've been associated with each other throughout the breakup. That cloud was weighing heavily on me and that's why I chose to do it.

Day 2 of N/C 35 days since breakup I'm emotionally exhausted. Having a VERY hard time letting this one go. She still consumes my thoughts 24/7. Overall, been one of my better days though

I'll call this THE BEGINNING OF DAY 1 My ex-girlfriend broke up with me about 5 weeks ago. Our relationship was great and so was our friendship before. I was blind-sided and did not see it coming. I'm still devastated. I've tried no-contact during that time but broke it periodically (longest was 3 weeks, other than work related contact) usually because I would start to feel better about talking to her as a friend, which she constantly promised we would be, only to be shut down and hurt again. I'm emotionally drained, depressed, and tired of being strung along by the balls. This time I'm serious about no-contact. It's been difficult doing no-contact because we work together and it re-opens the wound EVERY time I'm there. Tonight I packed up her remaining belongings she purposely left at my place (probably for an excuse to come back once she's played the field) and brought them to work. I had the next 2 weeks off work anyways, so I put in my 2 weeks notice. At the end of the day I gave her, her stuff back, she said, "thank you" and I said, "your mind is made up, I guess this is goodbye". I told her nothing about leaving my job. She asked, "you're not coming back here?". I said, "goodbye (insert name here)" and I walked away. I felt terrible the whole drive home and brokedown and cried when I got home. It may seem rash to leave my job but I couldn't do it anymore. People's lives are in my hands and I shouldn't be there with my mindset right now. Now I'm depressed, unemployed, and trying to see through the fog to see what the future has in store...