Future Mother in Law issues.

[truegrit]

It appears he has answered your questions........very unfortunate, but better to find out how he feels now rather than later.

[baker843]

No, there were absolutely no solutions or compromises offered.

 

He said "I feel bad about leaving her alone" in a very sheepish tone: a tone that told me he knew it was dysfunctional/wrong. I told him I liked and respected his mom and that I get along with her just fine and it was nothing personal. I also told him he didn't need to leave her alone ALL of the time, but that we do need SOME time designated just for US to be alone and that I felt like it was creating a distance between us.

 

He told me to stop worrying so much: that I make him feel like all he does is cause me grief because I'm 'nagging' him about our lack of sex life or scolding him about something. He then said I was being dramatic. I asked him why we never hang out at my apartment, to be ALONE. He said, with a smirky grin, 'your tv sucks'. I have no idea if he was serious.

 

I had sent him a text the previous evening and told him we needed to talk, that I was frustrated that we are never alone. Last night then, he called me after work and I invited him to dinner. When he came to pick me up, his mom was in the car. *Why do I feel so bad that this ticked me off???

 

She got up to go to the restroom at the restaurant and he was asking me what was wrong and why was I being so hard on him. When she returned, I told him that it was not a conversation to be having in front of his mom. She said "Oh but now my curiosity is peaked!"

 

I then later expressed concern about his smoking habit. He got defensive, and she quickly came to his rescue, saying it shouldn't bother me.

 

When we were on our way home I told him I'd like for him to come over to my place for a few minutes to talk. He was not particularly happy about it. When we got there I just cried and told him it's so frustrating that we never have sex, we never have time alone, and I don't know why he thinks I'm being hard on him when all I want is some time WITH him. He said "My mom is leaving soon. Don't worry." 6 weeks isn't soonnnnnnnnn!

 

I was too emotional to have any further discussion at that point.

[hers]

This is all very alarming to me. It's like he has no care about any of your concerns. It's far from dysfunctional at this point. It's just selfish now. I don't normally give advice like this but at this point I think it would be better to break it off because it's clearly never going to get any better than what it is now.

[penelope13]

Your issues are clearly with him and not your mother in law. What you described above is far beyond alarming, since he completely ignores your feelings and since he seems very co-dependent on his mother.

 

Why do you believe this still can be saved or why he deserves another chance?

[baker843]

Y

 

Why do you believe this still can be saved or why he deserves another chance?

 

I don't know if it can be saved at this point, unfortunately and truth be told, I didn't honestly believe that there was a chance it COULDN'T be saved until last night.

 

I guess all of this just caught up with me so fast...his mom came in October and that's when all of this came to light. We were truly happy until she came and still have great times together-on the rare occasions we get to be alone.

 

I thought if I was patient and selfless enough, that things would return to 'normal' once she left and this was a one time thing aggravated by small living spaces, but she kept extending her 'visit' and we continued to have less private time together. As it continued to bother me more and more, it's only been recently (the past couple of weeks) that I've noticed that it doesn't seem to be bothering him and that I seem to be coming second to his mother.

 

I've realized also, I think, that it's no longer just me or him being courteous to a guest for their comfort, but how their relationship functions on a permanent basis.

 

I am second to his mom. And it's a tough pill to swallow...

 

I think last night was the true breaking point.

[truegrit]

What's even sadder is that if you end up breaking up with him, his mother will tell him it was all your fault and that you weren't right for him and on and on. He will believe her of course and then she will get her way which is to keep her baby boy all to herself. I am a MIL my self and I NEVER ever under any conditions stick my nose in my childrens relationships. I stay completely neutral even thru a couple of them going thru divorces. My mother was horrible and I and my first husband moved 1200 miles away to keep her at bay. I swore I would never in any way interfer with my own children and so far I have done very well in that area

 

Such a waste of a good match for you and like I said before if your bf doesn't see what is going on he will never be able to have a family of his OWN as no woman is going to tolerate having to cater, tiptoe around and be second fiddle to his mother.

[DN]

But it isn't just this visit, is it? She wants to spend several months every year with a room kep permanently for her. So the same thing would continually happen.

[baker843]

TOnight we went out .............without mom...........but with a group of his friends......

[lady00]

I am confused about why he feels bad leaving her alone at his apartment to spend time with you. Is she ill? Does she need someone to be with her at all/most times for some other legitimate reason? If not, then it seems like a very strange thing for him to say. It's not like she's visiting for a couple of days and he wants to maximize time spent with her. She is there for an unreasonably long time. Unless there is something I am missing, his excuse that he feels bad leaving her along is completely ridiculous. I would ditch this guy at this point. I'm not saying he's a bad guy. Not at all--in fact it seems like he does care about you a great deal. It sounds like he and his mom are very nice people and he wouldn't be with you if he didn't want to be. He just hasn't gotten to a point in his life (if he ever will) where he is willing to set necessary boundaries with his mother. I am all for family--I love mine and see them as often as possible. But my mother would simply never pull something like this on me.

 

EDIT: Just saw that you went out without the mom. Sounds like progress but has his attitude toward her visit changed?

[truegrit]

The fact that he agreed to go out but with a group could mean that he doesn't want to be alone with you knowing this subject will be brought up. It seems he is well aware that his actions are not good for your relationship and also knows deep down that he has this clinging to his mother problem. He just doesn't want to face it and therefore have to take some action, so he is avoiding the discussion by not spending time alone with you. Just my take on it.........

[baker843]

Just saw that you went out without the mom. Sounds like progress but has his attitude toward her visit changed?

 

No. He is just completely selfish. We went out last night to a bar and some of his friends met up with us. I was tired and had to make the journey home to see my family today for Thanksgiving so I made it clear to him that I did not want to be out late. He promised we wouldn't. We stayed until about midnight, and he didn't want to leave with me. He insisted on staying there because he just wanted to 'be out'. I went home completely crushed.

[Snny]

... and why are you still with this guy? He doesn't want to be at your place because your tv sucks? Give me a break! So basically the only things he cares about are his mom and TV... and not you. What a little child he's being over a serious conversation?! Does this guy seriously know how to communicate with people because he sure as hell doesn't. I would of challenged him on that to make him feel like a piece of work (because he really is).

 

And her mom snapping at you because of cigerettes to just not let it "bother" you? I would of said, "It does in fact bother my health and you have no business tellikng me what MY BODY can and cannot handle." Should shut her controlling attitude up.

 

Drop this guy please. You are hurting yourself more the longer you are with him. You can do so much better.

 

What's even sadder is that if you end up breaking up with him, his mother will tell him it was all your fault and that you weren't right for him and on and on.

I believe that, but this should be the least of the OP's concerns. She needs to be happy and not let Monster-in-Law destroy a perfectly good relationship.

[lady00]

Well, it sounds like you know what you need to do. This situation doesn't look like it's going to improve.

[LostOne01]

Just dump the idiot. You need to find a real man.

[baker843]

Well, it sounds like you know what you need to do. This situation doesn't look like it's going to improve.

 

I don't think so either. She keeps mentioning when she leaves 'sometime in January' but I have a strong gut feeling she's NOT going to pack up and leave in January.

 

On the rare nights I do get to sleep next to him, I wake up and she's there in the kitchen...literally 5 feet away from me. When I cuddle with him in the living room, she's right down the hall in the bedroom watching tv. On the rare nights we go to dinner without her, we come to her sitting on the couch. I feel like I'm dating in high school again or something. One night last week we were semi cuddling on the couch and she kept coming into the kitchen (the kitchen and living room are kind of all in one room) and humming and getting drinks/stuff to eat...while we were sitting there cuddling together. It's just so WEIRD and invasive.

 

She keeps catching herself saying 'we' whenever she talks about anything in the future and then quickly 'corrects' herself by saying "But I'm not going to be here this long again, this is a one time thing..." She has said that so many times, it's almost as if she knows it's wrong/weird/intrusive but can't bring herself to leave. She bought a bunch of Christmas decorations and is decorating his apartment. She has taken over 1/2 of his closet space. The bathroom vanity is covered with her beauty products. It's almost like he's having an affair right in front of me. I think they BOTH know it's weird and dysfunctional. But I can't do it anymore....

 

I have a feeling that she's going to stick around for the duration of winter, perhaps using the weather as an excuse not to return to her home (unsafe driving). It may be a stab in the dark, but considering this woman arrived the second week of October with the intention of staying for a short duration and has continued to bump it back to over a 3 month stay makes me question everything. Maybe I have no real basis for thinking she's going to just stay though.

[baker843]

And the bigger, biggest issue is that he's not recognizing any of it as a problem or offering any form of compromise or solution.

[baker843]

I am confused about why he feels bad leaving her alone at his apartment to spend time with you. Is she ill? Does she need someone to be with her at all/most times for some other legitimate reason? If not, then it seems like a very strange thing for him to say. It's not like she's visiting for a couple of days and he wants to maximize time spent with her. She is there for an unreasonably long time. Unless there is something I am missing, his excuse that he feels bad leaving her along is completely ridiculous.

 

 

No, she is not ill. She lived alone when he was in college, alone for 3 years after (he would go up every Sunday to visit her but that was it) and then alone when she moved to Florida...and that's when I think that's when the abnormality started. He went down there 4 times in one year and she came up 3 times in one year to visit.

 

Maybe I'm harsh but that just seems excessive...why even live apart if you can't stand to be? She's 'used' to being alone by now...so I don't know if it was the move to Florida and away from him that triggered this or the fact that I am now in the picture that has triggered it. Either way, I can't go on like this.

[BellaDonna]

And the bigger, biggest issue is that he's not recognizing any of it as a problem or offering any form of compromise or solution.

 

That is what is most concerning. If he thinks that way, then it won't matter where she lives..... she will always be first and he will always try to make you feel like a fool for having concerns about it.

[truegrit]

What if you told him you are taking a break from him until she leaves. Maybe say you could get together over the Xmas holiday to exchange gifts or whatever, but other than that just basically stay out of his life. It "MIGHT" wake him up to what is happening........

 

Just a thought and a quick one with not much thinking going behind it, so it may be not a good idea.........

[abitbroken]

The mother is not visiting. She lives with her son part time. It's like being a reverse snow bird. If his mom's house burned down and she was living with him for several months, that would have been acceptable. But she isn't. When I listened to the tapes of Henry Cloud's/John Townsend's Boundaries book, a light switched on in my head. There is such a thing as emotional incest. It's when there is a parental-child relationship where the child becomes responsible for a parent's feelings. It has nothing to do with what we think of incest=sex. It could start off innocent, where a child does not want to be held, but a mom makes or dad holding them a long time and telling them "it makes mommy/daddy feel better" instead of honoring the child's "no". It could be that the parents always told them that they were to make them happy, or in a situation in a family I know (not mine), the mother had an affair and made the children responsible for keeping the secret, and told them they would hurt her deeply and the father would leave them if the told. Anyway, feeling guilty for leaving his mom alone for a few hours (when she is not recovering surgery) is just messed up. He is clearly responsible or feels responsible for her personal entertainment and happiness.

 

There is no "fixing" their relationship because they are not aware that there is a problem with it. Even if someone tells them, they will not see it. I was married to someone who had an odd relationship with his mom. When I met him, he was in a period of saying "enough was enough" but things slowly creeped in. He had siblings, so she wasn't always with him, but when she was having

"problems" and he wouldn't come get involved with them, she would cry that he didn't love her. Or she wouldn't eat or make herself sick and wind up in hte hospital so he WOULD have to rush to her side. And as far as daily life. He would be happy with me, and then would do a reverse when it was pointed out I didn't fold laundry like his mom and therefore it was the 'wrong way" and suddenly design and decorating decisions we had made would be torn out. His brother even stole a picture from our wall because his mother gave it to us, and then years later regretted it. So instead of just chalking it up to regretting the gift or asking for it back herself, it was not seen as strange for it to disapper.

 

I think you have realized now that there is a difference between loving someone and deciding someone is a viable prospect for someone to eventually marry. It is apparent that this young man is just not a match. If you want to continue on as his girlfriend, fine, but I think the reason that you are having issues now and not when you first met him is that we tend to overlook things when we are merely "just dating." This is not something that can be cured.

 

If I were you, I might take your friends up on offers to hang out and spend more time with your own family. Be busy. Don't sit by the phone for him or beg him to go out with you. If his mom is at his house, sure it might be nice to go by once a week to have dinner with them. But personally, since this has been going on for awhile now, I wouldn't blame you for not making the effort. I wouldn't sleep over at his place with his mother there at all. If he wants to be with his mom - let him. He will eventually miss you, but more so you will get some more clarity. Perhaps he will come to some sort of revelation also, but I wouldn't bank on this. Overall, I think this young man is not a match for you. If you are considering marriage some day, he doesn't seem like he has the ability to leave his parents and become one with a wife...

[baker843]

You're right about it not just being a visit and that comment is exactly why I came here for help: I wanted confirmation that it is abnormal and my feels are justified.

 

I think part of the reason I question myself is because she is not mean or demanding and does not guilt him in front of me. On the rare nights we have been alone, she never guilts him as we leave the house or when we get home. I don't even know that she guilts him when I'm NOT around. When I go over there at night and we're sitting on the couch, she usually goes into his bedroom to watch tv. I find myself thinking "She's not doing anything. Am I being too hard on both of them? Is this really that abnormal?"

 

Her very presence, however, is causing our relationship to be put on pause. And the biggest issue is that neither one of them seem to have a problem with it, and he isn't recognizing it.

 

Maybe he is guilting HER into staying? There is a reason she is there so long and it's fishy. You don't just stay with your adult son for 3 months (or longer) in his one bedroom apartment in Ohio-especially when you are healthy and have your own condo.

 

I believe they both know it's abnormal...But are too attached or there is something WRONG that they can't break away from one another.

 

The more this goes on, the longer she stays, the more I think that this has something to do with me. They lived apart for 10 years just fine. Granted, she just moved to Florida about 2 years ago but this is curious timing to me. We start talking about getting married and she decides to stay here for 1/4th of the year? I also find that she sometimes subtly compares herself to me...or maybe it's normal questions a mother asks her son. When he gets snippy with her about her backseat driving or leaving a mess in the kitchen or whatever, she asks him "Will you talk to your wife that way? Will you treat your wife as badly as you treat me?"

 

She sometimes acts like she's joking, but I get the feeling she's not. She also tells us "You guys need to go out on a date alone." or "I feel like I"m interfering with your relationship." That alone tells me that there is recognition of a problem but neither one are doing anything about it.

[penelope13]

The person who really should be doing something about this is your boyfriend

[baker843]

The person who really should be doing something about this is your boyfriend

 

correct. And the fact that he doesn't even SEE it as being a problem means he doesn't care to do anything about it. And I cannot change that.

[BellaDonna]

So what is your plan from here?

[3boys]

I would be willing to bet that it has EVERYTHING to do with you....not you personally, but "you" the "future wife". They have always had an abnormally "close" relationship and now that you are talking marriage, that relationship is going to be altered. She wants to spend as much time with her son as possible and doesn't care if it puts a wedge between the two of you (in fact, she probably subconsciously hopes it DOES because it means she gets to "keep" her son to herself). Her comments about how he's going to treat his wife sound like a typical "guilt trip" that some mothers do... When I've heard people try to talk to "mothers" about "cutting the umbilical cord", they say "don't view it as losing your son, look at it as you're gaining a daughter"....she just sees it as she's losing her son...