Future Mother in Law issues.

[DN]

I hate to say this but I don't think this relationship is working and I don't see much of a chance of it working in the future.

[hers]

thinking of it in a long-term stance, i don't see it working either, for a multitude of reasons. i think you already know that though. it's just a matter of figuring out where to go next.

[baker843]

thinking of it in a long-term stance, i don't see it working either, for a multitude of reasons. i think you already know that though. it's just a matter of figuring out where to go next.

 

Yeah I'm just sort of in a limbo...knowing there are huge issues I've uncovered that aren't really resolvable...mostly revolving around mother or because of mother. Things I can't change or win....

 

I know the outcome at this point. Just kind of sitting around alone reflecting on the last 10 weeks

[hers]

have you ever thought about saying something to his mom yourself?

[baker843]

I hate to say this but I don't think this relationship is working and I don't see much of a chance of it working in the future.

 

 

I know. I'm just in limbo. I'm not really seeing a lot of him or doing a lot with him lately. He, I think, can't understand why or what's wrong. I think maybe he knows in the back of his head. But again, I can't win against mom...shouldn't even have to try.

 

He's aware of the problem but chooses to ignore it OR more likely, just doesn't see it. If he did, he'd be over here at my house instead of hanging out with his mom right now.

 

I'm going to go be with my family for a week for Christmas and forget about this for a few days...or try to. I'm tired of feeling unwanted and the anger towards his mother is exhausting me. She can have him.

[baker843]

have you ever thought about saying something to his mom yourself?

 

You know, i had kind of tossed it back and forth in my head. My therapist said I could do it if I really wanted to, but to be prepared for a major backlash from mother, which would result in backlash from him. At this point I don't know that it's worth the drama or hassle.

 

Keep in mind, this woman has sent me repeated texts asking "Does it bother you that we're so close????????????????? I feel like I interfere with your lives."

 

Like she's almost provoking or testing me.

 

I never responded but boy oh boy was I tempted to!

[hers]

RESPOND!!! WHY NOT RESPOND???? She may be asking you STRAIGHT UP your opinion, not as a way to tease you. She may have some guilt but NO ANSWER=AN OK ANSWER.

[baker843]

RESPOND!!! WHY NOT RESPOND???? She may be asking you STRAIGHT UP your opinion, not as a way to tease you. She may have some guilt but NO ANSWER=AN OK ANSWER.

 

You think so??? I had thought it was a test. I'm positive she'll be doing it again...especially since I'm practically ignoring him. I'll be honest with her next time. I don't have a damn thing to lose at this point.

[hers]

NO! You're thinking it was a test probably b/c your frame of mind is VERY biased against her right now (as is understandable) so you're thinking anything she says is negative (I know I get that way with my own FMIL). But yes, respond. Tell her.

 

Be prepared though she may very well tell your BF things to get him against you. If that happens, stand your ground. Be firm with both of them that your needs aren't being met. Don't accuse them of having a dysfunctional relationship or that their relationship is weird. But politely tell them both (or just her or just him, whoever needs to be told at the time) that the relationship feels like it has a constant 3rd wheel and it doesn't feel like much of a relationship right now and yes, you need alone time with each other.

[truegrit]

I am very skeptical about mom's intentions, maybe just my evil mind at work, but I truly believe she is staying so long with the intention of causing you two to break up and her goal seems to be working. I would bet that if you would have broke up with him a month ago she wouldn't be here right now.........

[lady00]

The fact that he would rather have his mother stay for extended periods of time than sleep with you speaks volumes about the relationship. I've never met or been with a man who would be OK with no sex for extended periods of time, which makes it apparent to me that there is something seriously wrong here. If he is not willing to address that or if he simply does not desire intimacy...either way that doesn't seem like it's going to change. I'm really sorry that things are not working out for you but I think the sooner you make the decision to move on, the better.

[DN]

This isn't so much about his mother. She may or may not be concerned about being in the way - who can tell? But you are not intending to be with her and it is his attitude that you should be concerned about. She is the symptom of the problem but she isn't the actual problem and therefore should not be the one determining the solution.

[Snny]

I've been very patient with this entire situation. I have been sharing this man and essentially having no intimacy with him or time alone with him since the first part of October.

Since October this issue started. We're 3 days away from Christmas and nothing inside the relationship has improved. Is that not enough proof to you that he won't change and you are believing in a false hope?

 

His mom had made a comment over a week ago about going to see his doctor (and made mention of surgery) after the first of the year. This clearly means she's planning on sticking around.

...

She has family in Florida, so why wouldn't she have the surgery near her home? With her own doctor?

So his Mom isn't just here for the holidays. You shouldn't be surprised that she's here to stay and found another excuse to use to extend her visit. She is going to continue to find more excuses because her son is letting her. Talk about being one crafty b**.

 

It's very easy for people looking in from the outside of this situation to tell me to just walk away (I would say the same exact thing) but it's so hard: hard when you're in love and it's not something like lying, cheating, abuse or anything that is coming between us

Like Bella said, couples do divorce/break up if there is negligence in a relationship. Just because you have sexual needs does NOT make you a selfish person. Please get that through your head. Nobody said breaking up is easy. It never is no matter how bad someone has pissed you off. But you need to take a step back and re-evaluate how this man is making you feel miserable and the lack of effort he has made to not make the relationship wonderful and happy. You can start by reading this whole thread from start to finish. Is this how you really plan to live your future life? Why are you even attracted to this man who is refusing to meet your needs? How could you love somebody who doesn't give back the same amount of love that you poured into the relationship? There must be a balance for a relationship to be happy and successful.

 

Honestly, I give you credit for giving this guy 2 months to shape up, but he's proven to you that he won't. Why is it so hard for you to wake up and realize that you are hurting from this unhealthy relationship and it is time to let it go? Be the stronger person here and do the right thing for yourself. Otherwise (and no offense), why even bother posting in this thread and ask for help when your boyfriend's behavior is a consistent pattern that we are warning you about? I am not trying to chase you away, but we're all trying to help you through your pain. Eventually you are going to get fed up with being hurt every day by this selfish, weak-minded douchebag who can't stand up to Mommy, and need to make the grand decision yourself to save your sanity or this WILL eat you alive more than you think. Remember, you are the one hurting here and you are responsible for your own happiness. This man has let you down and needs to get lost.

[DN]

I don't think it is accurate to call him a selfish douchebag but I do agree that he is far more concerned about keeping his mother happy and having her in his life than he is about you. That doesn't make him a bad person but it does mean he isn't the sort of person who should be in a relationship.

[abitbroken]

You think so??? I had thought it was a test. I'm positive she'll be doing it again...especially since I'm practically ignoring him. I'll be honest with her next time. I don't have a damn thing to lose at this point.

 

Personally, I would not respond to the text aside from "if you wish to talk about it, I won't talk about it by text. You will have to meet with me in person. Sorry." Or "if you want to talk about it, I can meet you in person. I don't like to talk by text." You can tell your boyfriend that mom texted him and asked you this and that you will be meeting with the mother alone to talk about it. Unless he and not she actually sent it. I wonder if the bf is playing a bigger part in this by telling the mom to stay, by explaining your absence as "you have plans or are taking a class" and basically sugarcoating things for mom or encouraging her behavior. Maybe mom was going to buy a condo and he said "nonsense, stay with me" And you won't know until you talk to her. I don't know if it is best to meet with them together NOT AT HIS PLACE or what.

 

What about inviting her to lunch so she doesn't feel like an adversary. You'll know quickly whether it is her or him or both and then you will either see things change or realize that he is not the one for you and move on. The most distrubing part to me is that she says she is too old to make friends which is bunk. No one is too old. (and how can she be 'too old' if she texts?? if she plays the 'old' card i really do wonder if he is the one sending them)

[DN]

I don't agree that Baker should talk about this issue with her future mother-in-law without her fiancé being there. Even if she were to get what she wanted her fiancé has been reduced to being a toy that the two women in his life fight over rather than a man who should be making his own decisions and taking charge of his own life.

 

His mother may be part of the problem but his attitude and behaviour is the major issue that should be dealt with.

[abitbroken]

I don't agree that Baker should talk about this issue with her future mother-in-law without her fiancé being there. Even if she were to get what she wanted her fiancé has been reduced to being a toy that the two women in his life fight over rather than a man who should be making his own decisions and taking charge of his own life.

 

His mother may be part of the problem but his attitude and behaviour is the major issue that should be dealt with.

 

That's a great point. Then she should call a meeting with both. I think texting should be used for relaying data - not for discussing relationships. So If she just once and for all layed it out on the table, maybe the "i am helpless until mom leaves" will be solved.

 

I do urge you Baker, to not sit around waiting for him. Accept invites from your girlfriends and plan other things like that also. Don't be lying in wait for a chance to be alone.

[generaldiscord]

If it's going to work at all, you need to find a way to also talk with the mother in law without the guy being right there. See how the meeting with both of them goes, and maybe follow it up with just the MIL.

[FreedomRing]

I think both your bf(if you're still considering him that) AND his mom are both being super passive aggressive. Her, with the lil 'seeminngly' concerned feeler texts and questions if you're bothered/uncomfortable, and him, by dancing around the pink elephant in the room for the past 2 months.

 

I'm also not sure what all these pages are about?? You've reached the conclusion many pages ago, that you are extremely uncomfortable and have watched your SO do NOTHING about it. You can no longer blame him(or her) at this point.

[3boys]

You know, i had kind of tossed it back and forth in my head. My therapist said I could do it if I really wanted to, but to be prepared for a major backlash from mother, which would result in backlash from him. At this point I don't know that it's worth the drama or hassle.

 

Keep in mind, this woman has sent me repeated texts asking "Does it bother you that we're so close????????????????? I feel like I interfere with your lives."

 

Like she's almost provoking or testing me.

 

I never responded but boy oh boy was I tempted to!

 

Does she really put that many question marks behind the question? Jeez!!!

 

Respond and be honest. Tell her it doesn't bother you that they're "close", but it bothers you that you feel like you have to "compete" with her for his attention and you're not going to do that. By allowing her to extend her visit indefinitely, he has made his choice and you hope they are happy together.

[Circe]

Wow .. I try not to read too much of this thread because it makes me so angry.. lol

 

Oh barker.. I think you should ignore the mother's text (she doesn't deserve a response. It should be blatantly clear to her that she's intruded too much and been extremely unreasonable towards you by giving you both no time together) and have a quick conversation with your bf ending things. I wouldnt even site the mother as a reason - I would just say that you both have conflicting values and priorities and you see no future. Thank you and goodbye.

[lady00]

Wow .. I try not to read too much of this thread because it makes me so angry.. lol

 

Oh barker.. I think you should ignore the mother's text (she doesn't deserve a response. It should be blatantly clear to her that she's intruded too much and been extremely unreasonable towards you by giving you both no time together) and have a quick conversation with your bf ending things. I wouldnt even site the mother as a reason - I would just say that you both have conflicting values and priorities and you see no future. Thank you and goodbye.

 

I agree...keep it short and simple. You don't want to get into any sort of argument where he tries and convince you that things will get better (as you well know, they won't) so don't give him the opportunity. If he asks why just stick to the line that things just aren't working out.

[Windycitygal]

Wow! This thread just leaves me baffled.

 

If I were in your situation I would have said something after the 1st month. I'm all for family visiting- I love my family and I love my boyfriend's family and I love a good visit just as much as the next guy... But you can be sure I wouldn't specifically look for a place to live keeping my future mother in law in mind, no matter how nice she is. And you can bet your bippy I wouldn't be comfortable with months of zero intimacy because mom is in the next room. And I know a lot about strong-willed moms! I come from a traditional Italian American family and we wrote the book on smother mothers, but even my mom wouldn't dream of doing something horrendous as your boyfriend's mom. She'd visit maybe once or twice a year if she lived that far away.

 

I really, truly think his mom is trying to sabotage your relationship because she wants him all to herself. Her text message is a total test too. Anyone who says otherwise obviously hasn't dealt with an overbearing mom! She's passive aggressively putting herself into your lives. What also concerns me is her comments to her son about "treating his future wife this way." Totally out of line, dysfunctional and weird. And I'm in my 20s and still cuddle with my parents, so I am no stranger to having a close relationship with them.

 

She quit her job and isn't really doing anything besides just hanging around. I personally think you need to bring it up to both of them and if it comes to blows, it comes to blows. At least you can make a great exit and stand your ground!

 

One more thing: I'm also concerned about his lack of wanting to be intimate with you. What man would be ok with not having sex for that long because his mom is there? My boyfriend's mom visited him for a couple of weeks in September and we had sex every night we lied in bed together even though she was in the other room. If a man wants it, he'll go after it.

[baker843]

I hope everyone on here has enjoyed the holidays so far. And I thank all of you for your input and support on this very difficult situation. I appreciate all of it very much!

 

I am seeing a great therapist who is helping me to learn the reality of this situation. I don't know that I would have the strength to go through this without outside support.

 

At this point, he is aware of my concerns. I have laid them out in black and white to him. My therapist said I'm basically mourning the relationship right now: I recognize it's over because these issues will truly never go away unless he wants to get help for it. And he won't get help until he realizes it's a problem.

 

I chose to take the approach of addressing the problems between us as a couple and not personally attack his mom..in other words, I told him it is a HUGE concern and problem that we are never intimate and never have any time ALONE and are not currently a real couple...because we aren't. Absolutely NOTHING is differentiating us between lovers and friends right now.

 

His only response to the lack of intimacy was "I'm sorry that I don't have the sex drive that most guys do. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know what you want from me. I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough for you."

 

His only response to the lack of time alone was "I Know. My mom will be gone soon."

 

Those are not responses that tell me he's willing to work on anything or most of all, that he sees the real root of the issues. I even suggested to him that stopping by MY house once in awhile for some alone time would help. He had, quite literally, nothing to say to that. It tells me what I need to know. I have refused to see him recently. He doesn't get why. I don't know how he's blind to it, but in their little world, I guess everything is normal.

 

He invited me on a date on Monday. I accepted. I don't really know why, but I guess I thought maybe he had thought about everything I said and I wanted to give him a chance to speak on it. He called me and said he had to run his mom someplace after work and that we would get together after...around 9pm. I told him I was not waiting until 9 pm to eat and it was unacceptable that he blew me off and basically hung up on him.

 

Yesterday morning he tried to invite me to dinner again. I told him I'd think about it.

 

He called me last night and asked me to call his mother and help her decide what to get from this particular restaurant because she had never been there....Yes,...he invited his mother to eat with us last night.

 

That's really it for me. I tried to give him chances to think about what I said and he still doesn't get it. He won't.

 

I appreciate everyone's suggestions on here. I think for now I am choosing to not contact his mother or speak to her about anything. I don't want to and don't think it would do any good. He's the one who needs to realize and WANT me and want time alone with me. All he wants right now is her and his only concern is her comfort and happiness...it results in my unhappiness. Can't do it.

 

Maybe someday he'll contact me and be willing to make some changes but for the time being, this relationship has been killed.

[baker843]

Wow .. I try not to read too much of this thread because it makes me so angry.. lol

 

Oh barker.. I think you should ignore the mother's text (she doesn't deserve a response. It should be blatantly clear to her that she's intruded too much and been extremely unreasonable towards you by giving you both no time together) and have a quick conversation with your bf ending things. I wouldnt even site the mother as a reason - I would just say that you both have conflicting values and priorities and you see no future. Thank you and goodbye.

 

Yes, I've ignored her texts. I'm honestly very surprised that she hasn't sent me any recently...then again, her work is done so why should she?