baker843 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 OMG!!! I can see my ex-best friend doing this when she gets older....heck, she does this kind of crap NOW, I'd hate to see what she does to her kids when she's old and alone because she WILL be this woman in 10-20 years makes me even more grateful for my own mother. He had been swearing up and down to me that he has no intention of ever living with his mother or his mother living with him...Trying to bargain, or beg or whatever. I had asked him to explain then, if this is true, why his mother was making comments about having a room dedicated to her in our home, consistently saying "When WE" move or whatever...he said she sometimes says 'crazy' things but that he clarified with her already that there was no way they would ever live together. He then said that she will, however, be returning in the summer but she will likely be subleasing a place in town for the duration and that I didn't have to worry about her living with him at that time because it's not going to happen. He said the 3 months stay last time was a 'one time' thing and it just so happened that way due to the holidays etc. If that's true, why is she planning to return in the summer for 3 months, even if it is to sublease? Why not just move back here altogether? And by that i mean rent or purchase her own home back here...not move in with him. I think I have a feeling of exactly her summer plans will turn into: she won't be able to 'find' a place and just, yet again, live with him for 3-4 months this summer. There will always and forever be an excuse for her to extend her visits or live with her son. And he's fine with it, because he feels bad that she's so 'lonely'. Link to comment
DN Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Is this conversation since you broke up with him? Link to comment
baker843 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 Is this conversation since you broke up with him? Yes, this was shortly after I told him I could no longer go on like it was and that until things with his mother changed, we were going our separate ways. He still does contact me and try to assure me 'she's gone' dah dah dah... And part of me thought about giving it a chance after she left to see how things would go, but then when I learned that she is planning to return for the summer, and 'sub leasing' a place...I just cried. She'll end up staying with him. I just know it. And I can't put myself through that again. Link to comment
DN Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Yeah, the risk does seem very high. Had it not been for his behaviour while she was with him it might be worth giving it a shot - but she wasn't just staying with him but they were rarely apart. Even if she were in a different place they would probably still be joined at the hip. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 This is what is called emotional incest. I first heard the term in the Boundaries book/tape. It has nothing to do with sexual incest. My ex and his mom had a relationship like this. Feeling responsible for not the well being but the FEELINGs of a parent to the point that it cripples the rest of their life is exactly it. He was a bit more adamant in trying to get her to break free, but in the end, when she cried/slammed doors he gave in. And they were big give ins, like giving her things of mine from our home that she admired with no consult, divulging information about our private life when she cried to know, and allowing her to come for hours or days at a time at the very worst times to have anyone over based on what was going on with us so we could never resolve anything because she was in our faces. My choice was to air dirty laundry in front of her or stay silent and hope she would leave. Anytime we had a problem, "mom" was there to get her ears and nose into everything mostly when we were having a disagreement and he didn't like my answer. Anyway, I think that you did the right thing. If you had married him, mom would always come first. It is okay for a guy to do things with his mom, but there is so much truth and wisdom in a man "leaving his parents and becoming one with a wife". It doens't mean he no longer speaks to his parents, but like my marriage, there were not two people in the marriage but three or four and it was two or three against one at all times.' And its not even about your bf's mom physically staying with him or not - if she still has a big grip on him, she will no matter how far apart they are. If you have a small piece of you that wants to try again - don't communicate with him at all and see what he does. If its a wake up call and his mom doesn't stay with him, then he somehow gained some confidence and learned something but it might just be all for show. I think you can be satisfied that you gave this your best shot and its just not the relationship you want. Link to comment
baker843 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Share Posted March 29, 2011 Just a very happy update.... Shortly after this last post I officially told mama's boy that it is over. he didn't even seem upset. About a month ago I started dating a wonderful MAN who loves to spend time with me ALONE and is, amazingly, a MAN. Thanks all for the advice! All is much better without the intense emotional saga in my life!!! I'm so happy! Link to comment
hers Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 So glad you came back to update us! Have you heard anything about your ex And his mom? Glad to hear you're doing well! Link to comment
baker843 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Share Posted March 29, 2011 So glad you came back to update us! Have you heard anything about your ex And his mom? Glad to hear you're doing well! thanks! His mom texted me a few weeks ago and it was the whole victim thing that I was so sick and tired of hearing about.... "Give him a chance, things will get better..." "He basically grew up without his dad...cut him some slack." (as if he's the only person to ever grow up without a father figure). "Your pain from past relationships might be too deep." (nope, I'm just sick and tired of your almost 30 year old son acting like a 16 year old). I have not heard from him. Again, he didn't seem that upset when I ended it. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 Eek, even if Mom is gone she's still WAY too involved. Texting you after the break-up to ask you to reconsider?! Crossing the line, IMO. Glad you're out of that relationship and dating a great new guy! Link to comment
baker843 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Share Posted March 29, 2011 Eek, even if Mom is gone she's still WAY too involved. Texting you after the break-up to ask you to reconsider?! Crossing the line, IMO. Glad you're out of that relationship and dating a great new guy! Yeah she's nuts. It took me awhile and some therapy to realize it but she is certifyably (sp) nuts. Link to comment
DN Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 Glad that things have worked out for you. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 To me, it almost seems like he grabbed mom's phone and texted you but either way, its nuts. So glad you found happiness. Now one step forward and one foot in front of the other and don't look back. Just make sure when you start thinking about things that are negative insecurities from your last relationship with mama's boy that you recognize it and address it with yourself. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Just a very happy update.... Shortly after this last post I officially told mama's boy that it is over. he didn't even seem upset. About a month ago I started dating a wonderful MAN who loves to spend time with me ALONE and is, amazingly, a MAN. Thanks all for the advice! All is much better without the intense emotional saga in my life!!! I'm so happy! YAYYY!!!! I love a good update. I'm so glad you got them out of your life. It sounded so toxic and if you ever got married or had kids with him, she would make your life HELL. I'm so glad you dodged that one and found a healthy relationship. You deserve no less. Link to comment
trezeralietas Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 I just read the entire thread. I am so glad you managed to rid yourself of this guy and his mom. I'm so sorry you had to go through that situation and I am amazed at your clarity, self-control, and strength. You showed tremendous character and self-respect in the way you handled everything. I think we are all relieved to see that you have now found yourself an independent and healthy man. Brava! Link to comment
Circe Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 Hi Baker - I'm also really glad you had the strength to end it with this guy and so so so glad you've met someone else and are happy!! Thanks for updating. Link to comment
baker843 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Share Posted April 4, 2011 I just read the entire thread. I am so glad you managed to rid yourself of this guy and his mom. I'm so sorry you had to go through that situation and I am amazed at your clarity, self-control, and strength. You showed tremendous character and self-respect in the way you handled everything. I think we are all relieved to see that you have now found yourself an independent and healthy man. Brava! How nice! Thank you so much! I am so much happier, it's just unbelievable! Link to comment
baker843 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Share Posted April 4, 2011 Hi Baker - I'm also really glad you had the strength to end it with this guy and so so so glad you've met someone else and are happy!! Thanks for updating. Thank you I can't believe how long I held on to such a toxic situation...this thread was a great source of support throughout! Link to comment
baker843 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Share Posted May 11, 2011 Still VERY happy in my current relationship! and also, since my ex lives near me, I noticed his mom's car is out front...she's back in town. I shudder to think what might've been. Link to comment
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