Future Mother in Law issues.

[baker843]

And also, I am supportive of my significant other being close with their family. Family is VERY important to me! I am very close with my own mother but my mother would NEVER, EVER dream of living with me and imposing on what is supposed to be a committed relationship that might have the potential to be a future together.

 

His mother has not really 'allowed' us to have any time alone. What kind of mother does that to her 28 year old son and his partner? HOW and WHY does she think it's ok? Because their relationship IS NOT just them being close: they're dysfunctional. There's a biggggggg difference between being close and being dysfunctional.

[hers]

Not sarcasm at all. Some people don't get the hint and need to be told straight up when they're crossing boundaries. Sometimes before bluntness can happen, passive aggressive steps can be taken. But the key word is aggressive. Put them in their place. More aggressively than passive really. But I'm a fan of both.

[Snny]

If you feel that your personal needs aren't being considered, it's probably because you aren't voicing them.

The thing is, she has but her boyfriend is not listening. Most of this thread was about her asking how she should have a chat with him about this behavior being unacceptable to the relationship and how to word it in a way to not piss him off. Unfortunately, she had to be blunt about it because he chose not to listen to her and meet her needs.

 

There are some gentle ways to say 'TIME ALONE. GO AWAY. THREES A CROWD". One is to get two tickets to a show or concert or event and give them to him at dinner. One is to just come over and sleep over. (I know, it's awkward at first, but people have been doing it for thousands of years) Or you can come over and make yourself at home more often, establishing yourself as the queen of the household.

Those are really good ideas. However he can still get around them with excuses since he already is a master of it:

 

1. Movie/concert tickets: he could say he has other plans and blame you for not letting him know in advance before purchasing them (then you're stuck with tickets which you spent a lot of money on and can't return them). He also could say he is not interested in watching it.

2. Acting queen in his house: could piss your boyfriend and mother off to the point he will no longer invite you over. Remember, it's not your house and you are a guest. His mother is treated more than just a guest than the girlfriend is in this situation and has the boyfriend wrapped around her finger.

[DN]

I have said this before but even if you manage to sort out the immediate issues while she is here the major issue looming on the horizon is - what about the future if you marry or move in with this man. Unless both of them drop the idea of long, extended visits for months at a time, whether or not a room is designated as hers, then the relationship will not work.

[truegrit]

I still believe that the mother's goal is to break you two up so she can have her baby all to herself. It isn't YOU it would have been any woman he became engaged to. I bet she wouldn't be staying this long if you weren't in the picture. I would never want to have a MIL like this as she will make your life a living hell.

[generaldiscord]

In my opinion, it would be extremely disrespectful to label your boyfriends relationship with his mother as "dysfunctional" just because it isn't similar to the maternal relationships you are familiar with. His relationship with his mother is functional. Quitting a part time job is not the end of the world, and I haven't heard anything to imply that your boyfriend doesn't enjoy her company as much as she enjoys his.

 

I don't really want to squabble with the other posters about this, and of course I can't know, from a couple minutes of reading, exactly what's going on or why. But my personal experience is that it's difficult at times to be clear and concise about what you want with the MIL. More difficult than throwing your weight around with your boyfriend. It's like two levels of power up, and it's hard. Just be sure that you're being clear.

 

It would be totally fair, if you were living together, to say "I don't really want company for that long. How about a two week visit?" or "How about, instead of her coming up hear for a month, we visit for christmas?" But, while you're living apart you should be more diplomatic and respectful of the longest relationship he's ever had.

 

(I clearly live next to Italy, home of the mama's boy...)

[lady00]

I think it's one thing to be close to one's mom (I am incredibly close to mine so I understand that part of it) but I think every relationship (whether with parents, friends, romantic partners) has to have some boundaries. I think in this case, it's clearly going overboard and I don't see how anyone would be comfortable with this type of behavior from their partner. A visit is fine, even an extended visit, but the idea that the mother in law (who is perfectly healthy and does not need her child to care for her) is essentially proposing living there strikes me as a bit much...isn't there some line to be drawn at some point?

[baker843]

I don't think we're squabbling. I appreciate everyone's input, even if they disagree.

 

I understand what you mean and I've always been respectful of my significant others parents and their relationship with them. As I've said before, I am extremely close with my mom.

 

I don't think it's disrespectful to refer to their relationship as dysfunctional. Their relationship is preventing them both from having love and life outside of their own relationship. That's not healthy for son OR mother.

 

I agree with you that it is difficult to fully understand anyone's situation from an online thread, especially after just reading a few posts. You're absolutely correct about that.

 

I've been very patient with this entire situation. I have been sharing this man and essentially having no intimacy with him or time alone with him since the first part of October. Living together or not, that is very unhealthy and very unfair.

 

It's not okay with me that my spouse's mother lives with us or desires to 'visit' for 3-4 months straight out of the year. For some people, this may be fine. To me, it is not ok. I want a life with my spouse and I want my spouse's family (including mother) to be a PART of that life. But I don't want to share a life with my in laws.

 

I also need to come first with my partner: I don't want to be second to someone's mother. This may be selfish to some people, but this is what I know that I need.

 

Also, they will be having additional visits with one another next year. It's not like they've gone a long time without seeing one another. I am fine with visits from my mother in law. But a visit, to me, is a short period of time, such as a week or two. Living with him for months and allowing us no privacy just isn't a visit in my eyes.

[baker843]

I have said this before but even if you manage to sort out the immediate issues while she is here the major issue looming on the horizon is - what about the future if you marry or move in with this man. Unless both of them drop the idea of long, extended visits for months at a time, whether or not a room is designated as hers, then the relationship will not work.

 

I know you're right. My therapist has said pretty much the same thing. I guess maybe I'm just clinging to some hope that he'll just wake up and change things...although I know in my heart (and gut) that it's not going to happen.

 

It's very hard that something like this is breaking us up.

 

His mom had made a comment over a week ago about going to see his doctor (and made mention of surgery) after the first of the year. This clearly means she's planning on sticking around.

 

She has family in Florida, so why wouldn't she have the surgery near her home? With her own doctor? Perhaps I'm reading way too in depth to things at this point but it just seems very, very odd to me that suddenly a major health issue comes into play. I know where this would lead......I'm getting a better sense of the reality of it all (with the help of my therapist and you all )but reality is still heartbreaking and harsh.

[generaldiscord]

Well, there's nothing I can really say to change your mind, and I do agree with the decision that you break up with him. But not because his relationship with his mother is dysfunctional, but because the relationship he has with you is.

 

In the future, you should try to let your opinion be known early and clearly.

[baker843]

Well, there's nothing I can really say to change your mind, and I do agree with the decision that you break up with him. But not because his relationship with his mother is dysfunctional, but because the relationship he has with you is.

 

In the future, you should try to let your opinion be known early and clearly.

 

I don't see how our relationship is dysfunctional. And I have told him (after his mother had been here about 5 weeks) that I needed some time alone with him-without his mother along. He chose to ignore that request. How is that my fault?

[BellaDonna]

(I clearly live next to Italy, home of the mama's boy...)

 

LOL

 

You do have a good point about the role that culture can play in a situation like this.

 

I come from a very traditional Italian family (Sicilian) and I've seen smother mothers in all forms. However, even when looking through that lens I still the think the situation that the OP describes does sound rather dysfunctional.

 

I guess the bottom line is, she is eventually going to have to make a decision about the kind of life she wants to lead. It sounds like with this guy, his mother will always be a central part of everything he does, will live with him several months out of a year, have a room set aside in his home, will be in constant contact via text messages, will meddle in the relationship about their time together as a couple, their disagreements as a couple, etc.

 

......I'm getting a better sense of the reality of it all (with the help of my therapist and you all )but reality is still heartbreaking and harsh.

 

You can and will get through it. The hardest part is ending the relationship. Although once you do I think you will feel a sense of freedom from all the annoyance you've been going through and once you meet someone better and more mature you will see that the co-dependent situation this guy has with his mom is not the norm.

[generaldiscord]

I'm not really trying to blame you for anything. It's just that in my opinion, relationships with bad communication are dysfunctional. Your response to his mothers extended visit was to try and make him choose between his mom and you... and his response was clearly not sufficient!

[baker843]

I'm not really trying to blame you for anything. It's just that in my opinion, relationships with bad communication are dysfunctional. Your response to his mothers extended visit was to try and make him choose between his mom and you... and his response was clearly not sufficient!

 

I don't want him to choose. I'm not making him choose and never would.

 

I hope it didn't come accross that way.

 

I want time alone with him and some boundaries to be set with his mother-ie I don't want her living with us and I don't want her to have access to his checking account (yes, she still has access to his checking). If he doesn't want to do that, then I can't be with him. I don't want to be in a relationship where we have no time alone together. And try to understand that we literally have NO time alone together It's very sad and very difficult.

[truegrit]

This is NOT your fault, you just had the bad luck of falling in love with a whipped mamas boy (man). I don't see it at all as you asking him to choose you over his mother. You each have a place in his life and a mothers place in her grown sons life (especially once he is married) is NOT living with the couple for month's out of the year or trying to control in any way their relationship. As to the checking account that does make him seem like a dependent child but I guess it isn't your business at the moment. If you were to marry him and it didn't cease it would be a HUGE problem!

 

I myself have 2 adult sons both have been married and each have children themselves. They call me (we live a long distance away) when they need a shoulder to cry on or ask my advice on somethings and we get along great almost like best friends. However, I have never ever interfered in their relationships even with divorces etc. I don't even go visit them as I feel very uncomfortable to stay in their home.

 

I am very sensitive to this situation as I myself had a controlling mother and when I was first married lived in the same town. It was horrible especially once I had children and she was calling all day long, coming by constantly and telling me everything I was doing wrong. We moved 1400 miles away mostly to get away from her Of course I was the opposite of your bf and rebelled against her controlling attitude.

 

My heart really goes out to you and am so glad you are seeking professional guidance in this matter and hope you are able to make the best decision, as hard as it could end up being, for your future.

[lady00]

You never made him choose. His mom can still visit, but maybe she can just stay in a hotel or maybe she can visit for 2 weeks instead of 6. That is 100% perfectly reasonable as an expectation. Some people would be comfortable with this level of interference in the relationship where they are not intimate and have no alone time for a month and a half and the parent lives with them part-time, but I would guess most people would not be comfortable with it, and for good reason.

 

As for the account...if you got married, I would suggest getting a joint account for joint expenses that you both contribute to as well as keeping separate accounts for individual expenses, in which case his mom having access to his own individual account would not affect you.

[DN]

I don't think you are asking him to choose either.

 

In any event - he already has chosen. He chose his mother.

[baker843]

You're very kind thank you for your thoughtful insight and words. This is far from easy. It's very easy for people looking in from the outside of this situation to tell me to just walk away (I would say the same exact thing) but it's so hard: hard when you're in love and it's not something like lying, cheating, abuse or anything that is coming between us...it's his mother and the relationship they have together.

 

I truly do feel this woman will be around even LONGER and the longer she stays, the more validated I'll feel by the distance I'm putting between us. Like I said, I didn't invite him to my family Christmas because I'm doubtful that he's going to be a part of my family now. It's not easy...but neither would having this woman live with me, destroying my sex life, and watching every move my husband makes...

[baker843]

You never made him choose. His mom can still visit, but maybe she can just stay in a hotel or maybe she can visit for 2 weeks instead of 6. That is 100% perfectly reasonable as an expectation. Some people would be comfortable with this level of interference in the relationship where they are not intimate and have no alone time for a month and a half and the parent lives with them part-time, but I would guess most people would not be comfortable with it, and for good reason.

 

As for the account...if you got married, I would suggest getting a joint account for joint expenses that you both contribute to as well as keeping separate accounts for individual expenses, in which case his mom having access to his own individual account would not affect you.

 

I had told him months and months ago when he first brought up engagement that his mom didn't need to be looking at his checking account. She doesn't have access to his MONEY, she just logs in to spy on what he does-see where he spends his money. I've heard her scolding him for certain purchases during her visit. Gee freaking whiz, he's 28 years old! He can buy what he wants. I wouldn't be able to tolerate that in my marriage, even with separate accounts!

[BellaDonna]

hard when you're in love and it's not something like lying, cheating, abuse or anything that is coming between us

 

It's not abuse, but it is neglect. He neglects your feelings and your requests for compromising. He neglects your sexual needs and emotional needs. If things don't go according to how his mother wants them she probably has the propensity to become emotionally abusive and manipulating, to him and any future partners he may have. It sounds like she has quite the grasp on him and he doesn't even try to get her to loosen it (i.e. he thinks it is ok/perfectly normal for her to demand having a room in his house).

[lady00]

One thing I don't understand is how HE is ok with no intimacy or alone time. Does he have no desire/drive for passion? One would think a person in a relationship generally would.

[baker843]

One thing I don't understand is how HE is ok with no intimacy or alone time. Does he have no desire/drive for passion? One would think a person in a relationship generally would.

 

I've been wondering that the past 10 weeks myself.............

[hers]

I wonder that as well. Does he say anything at all about the sex or alone time thin to you?

[baker843]

I wonder that as well. Does he say anything at all about the sex or alone time thin to you?

 

Not really. Believe me, I have brought it up over 100000 times. I've complained almost incessantly about lack of sex, intimacy, and time alone. He's despised it when I complain about these things. All he ever really did was promise it would get better. He said he didn't know why he was never in the mood.

 

My therapist suggested the POSSIBILITY that he is afraid of being intimate with me: that some dysfunctional mother/son relationships are in fact so dysfunctional that he may feel as though he is betraying or 'cheating' on his mother when we're intimate....that in the back of his mind, subconsciously, whatever, he feels wrong getting so close to a female who is not his mother.

 

I don't know that that is a real possibility. I think he has a low libido as it as, and the fact that she is one room away doesn't ever do anything to help the mood. Why no desire to come over to my house for a quickie after work though?

 

He's always had a relatively low drive, but once mom came, I think we've been intimate with each other maybe 5 times...5 times in a 10 week period. ONE of those times was the day she was GENEROUS enough to leave town for an entire day. We're 28. Something isn't right with his lack of drive and fact that he isn't bothered by his mother constantly being one wall away at all times.

[baker843]

N We're 28. Something isn't right with his lack of drive and fact that he isn't bothered by his mother constantly being one wall away at all times.

Correction: he's only bothered with the fact that she's only feet away from us at all times when I have tried to initiate sex with him. At all other times, he's fine with it. And, I might add that in the 4-5 times we've had sex since she's been here, he has initiated it ONCE. And he stopped after a few minutes because he was 'tired'.