Future Mother in Law issues.

[truegrit]

It may be the only way you will be able to make a decision and that is to force the issue and see for sure who he is going to stick by. If he stands with her you have your answer. It is better to get this settled and know where you stand before you take the leap of marriage.

Yes, she probably is clinging to her son since she has no husband and a lot of his actions are out of guilt, but that still doesn't make it ok. This problem will not go away unless she was to find another mate. Your bf for his sake needs to fix his problem with it because even if you break up with him he will never find anyone else that would go along with this either and he will be doomed to live his life alone with only a mother, very unhealthy.

[hers]

5 weeks isn't "just visiting"

[baker843]

5 weeks isn't "just visiting"

 

or longer................he seems fine with it though. and if they're both fine with it, it makes for a tough situation for me.

[hers]

Try talking to him...don't lgt him brushes it off. After 10 months you should be able to have enough honesty within your relationship to discuss such things...don't make him chooses bc he'll surely choose his mom (as most people would) but do express to him how alarming it all is for you and its making you wonder if you should reconsider things.

[DN]

The problem here is not just what is happening now but her expectation that this will continue in the future and that a bedroom should be reserved for her. That would be a huge problem for me.

[Snny]

I've spoken to him a bit about it just last night. It is a very delicate issue. If I push too hard, I'll seem like I'm insulting his mother and his relationship with her and I don't want to do that. If I don't say anything at all, it will continue to be like this because he obviously doesn't see with his own eyes that we need some boundaries.

It's been 5 months of the relationship. You wanted a serious relationship with this man so you moved in expecting this. Unfortunately he is not giving what you want or need for a relationship to grow. Instead you are catering to his "needs" and try to be respectful as you can, when in fact he is being selfish by not giving back the same effort and is pushing you aside. You are no longer a priority for him. Talking about this shouldn't have to be a "delicate" subject or something to be shunned because he is not being a partner to you in the presence of his mother. This man is clearly not going to change, nor will he grow up.

 

Unfortunately, you have no other choice but to move out. He has clearly chosen his mother over you. You are NOT being greedy and this situation has made you resentful about being in a relationship with him. Like others said, it will get ugly when you marry this man. Be very happy that you discovered this before saying "I do" to him. You are not to be blamed for breaking up and moving on with your life; his actions spoke louder than words that would drive any woman away.

[hers]

They don't live together. They've talked about it but his mother insists on their having a bedroom for her "visits".

[petite]

The umbilical cord needs to be cut, yesterday.

[baker843]

The problem here is not just what is happening now but her expectation that this will continue in the future and that a bedroom should be reserved for her. That would be a huge problem for me.

 

It is a huge problem for me and you are correct: clearly when she leaves, this will not end. She'll return and probably stay for the same length of time or maybe longer and this will become an expectation for her on a permanent basis and expecting to live with us 3-4 months out of the year or more is not reasonable.

 

 

I wanted to talk to him about it after she leaves just to be sensitive to everyone's feelings but she keeps extending her 'visit' so I really don't know what choice I have other than to bring it up while she is still here...but I feel conflicted: if I bring it up now, it's going to make my boyfriend feel uneasy or upset. And he's going to feel conflicted with her being there in his apartment when I've expressed concern that she's been there too long. To me it just makes sense to wait until she leaves. Then again, what if she keeps extending the visit?

 

I don't care if she visits, in fact, I welcome it. But to stay for months at a time and for her to act as though it is her own home (she has taken over half of his closet and bathroom) is completely and utterly unacceptable.

 

And let's be honest: who comes to OHIO from FLORIDA and stays through the coldest months of the year? Granted, she had a valid reason to initially come visit but not to stay for 3+ months. It seems fishy to me but maybe I'm being paranoid. Is she threatened that our relationship is getting serious so she has to intervene? Did she come up here so she would feel 'needed'?

 

It is very 2 sided: it's not just his or her fault. It's both. To defend her a bit, she has told him a couple of times in the past week that we should go out to dinner by ourselves (without her) and spend some time alone. He shrugged that off and told her that it was no big deal. She has also been making an effort to go to the movies by herself which gives us a couple of hours alone. But my needs are still, definitely, being neglected because I feel like I'm begging for scraps of alone time and attention.

[baker843]

The umbilical cord needs to be cut, yesterday.

 

Uhm yes. She still, for whatever reason, has access to his bank account. I know he has given her money before.

 

Whatever he spends, she questions him about it. I've told him this is an issue for me about 5-6 times and that when and if we get engaged, she is not to have access to his finances at that time. Come on.

 

He is 28 years old. He has a full time job. He's allowed to spend his money however he wants to. Mommy doesn't need to be monitoring his checking. Period.

[alli]

What I would do is have a talk with both of them at the same time, since you all are together all the time anyway. Tell them that this arrangement does not work for you. Your parents do not live with you guys for a quarter of the year and you're not okay with this arrangement. Tell her flat out that her constant presence is impinging on your relationship. You two have not been able to discuss personal matters nor even intimacy at all since she has made herself a permanent fixture at your side. Either her visits are reduced to actual visits, or the two of them can share their lives together without you. Tell them you'll give them a week to figure it out, and when they do, to call you.

 

I highly doubt that this will end the way you want it to. He's 28 & this is still going on; it's probably not going to stop now even after you talk to both of them. You're going to have to decide if this is something you can live with or not. And if not, it's time to cut your losses.

[baker843]

As much as I don't want to agree with you, I do.

 

I think his mom knows the 2 of us should have some time alone but can't bring herself to actually provide it to us. And he wants mommy around just as much as she wants to be around her baby.

 

I will admit, in the past 5 days or so she has not accompanied us to stores and restaurants like she was. When I come to visit him after work, she has been going into the bedroom to watch tv.

 

This is all a slight improvement, but no substitute for being truly alone with him. Even if we go out for a brief dinner, we are still coming home to her, even if she is in the bedroom.

 

Last night I had a mild breakdown. He called me after work and I suggested we go to dinner. He immediately said 'let's check with mom and see if she's had dinner yet.'

 

My parents live a couple of hours away so I'm leaving after work to visit them for thanksgiving. It kind of breaks my heart that he won't be coming to spend some time with my family after all of the time I've spent with his mom. In a way, I can understand that he doesn't want to leave her alone on Thanksgiving, but in another way, she has been here for almost 6 solid weeks and will be here another 8 or so.

[baker843]

I'm just crying. I think it's all gotten to me. I hate to say this but I just want her to go home. I want my boyfriend and our relationship back.

[penelope13]

You REALLY need to talk to him about this. It's not just a question if/when she will be leaving, but how he intends to handle this in the future: will he put your relationship before his relationship with his mother?

[baker843]

You REALLY need to talk to him about this. It's not just a question if/when she will be leaving, but how he intends to handle this in the future: will he put your relationship before his relationship with his mother?

 

 

I had really wanted to wait until she left as to avoid any awkwardness with her.

 

I'm afraid if I bring it up while she's still here that it will create tension for everyone for the remainder of her stay-I know he'll relay the concerns, in some form, to her. I guess I don't really know HOW to bring it up without her feeling like she needs to jump in her car and drive 900 miles home, and him feeling like I'm a selfish * * * * * that wants to isolate him from his family.

 

I want her to go home but feel selfish because I know she wants to stay though Christmas with him. I know...it's bad. But part of me still feels so selfish. I've tried my best to tell him that we have no time alone and it's toxic to us but he doesn't really say anything.

[truegrit]

I can understand why you are feeling selfish, but what about HIM! I think he is the one being selfish. You seem to be worried about hurting him or stepping on toes and your considering his feelings and his mothers feeling but what about YOUR feelings? There does seem to be a very unhealthy, abnormal relationship going on between him and her.......the bank account deal is another red flag.........and I'm not sure if these relationships ever change.

 

I agree with others that as sad as it is there needs to be a decision made before you get in deeper with engagement/marriage.

[penelope13]

It is quite unlikely that he will cut her out completely out of his life and that she will not visit in the future, thus you need to negotiate a way that you can all co-exist during her visits without your relationship being put on ice. Thus you also need to learn/ teach how to communicate with him while she is around. Therefore I don't think it's a good idea to postpone your talk with him any more.

 

I find it disturbing that he doesn't seem to recognize your feelings, nor that he experiences himself that the relationship is being put on ice.

[baker843]

It is quite unlikely that he will cut her out completely out of his life and that she will not visit in the future, thus you need to negotiate a way that you can all co-exist during her visits without your relationship being put on ice. Thus you also need to learn/ teach how to communicate with him while she is around. Therefore I don't think it's a good idea to postpone your talk with him any more.

 

I find it disturbing that he doesn't seem to recognize your feelings, nor that he experiences himself that the relationship is being put on ice.

 

I don't want her completely out of his life, for sure, but like you said, I don't want to feel like our relationship is 'on ice' every time she's around. And I agree that it IS most disturbing that he isn't realizing this himself!

 

I am more than willing to work to co-exist: his mother and I get along perfectly well. But I can't do all of the work myself and I'm the one doing all of the compromising right now. I shouldn't be the only one having to give a little. It should be working both ways.

[penelope13]

I would not stay in a relationship where my partner has so little respect for me and my concerns

[baker843]

I would not stay in a relationship where my partner has so little respect for me and my concerns

 

I don't know that he doesn't respect them, I think he's just oblivious to them...which may be just as bad.

[Snny]

Whether he realizes or not, he is still not respecting or regarding your feelings.

[penelope13]

How can he be oblivious, if you have mentioned already that you don't have enough alone time with him?

 

Additionally, it's worrisome that he doesn't notice himself that he is not spending any quality time with you

[baker843]

Well we really got into it last night. I think everything has just built up. I let loose and just let it all out in front of him (I made him come over to my apartment for a whopping 20 minutes). I just started crying. I told him it's so stressful that we have had no time to ourselves, and that we can never be intimate or even go out on date nights and it's wearing on me. I told him I couldn't put up with it anymore.

 

He said he understood that but that he felt bad leaving his mom by herself. He told me I was being dramatic and that she'd be gone soon.

 

 

6 weeks isn't soon....

 

We didn't even get a chance to discuss how this would play out in the future because I was too upset to even talk about it any further. He made me feel like the bad guy. He said I'm too hard on him. Like this isn't hard on me?

[BellaDonna]

I'm sorry to hear that. So bascially he is disredarding what you said and not trying to meet you halfway or offering compromise, soultions, or alterantives. He offerend no means to address the issue other than "she will be gone soon" (I agree 6 weeks is not soon and it is clear she will be coming back many times in the future)

 

I think it is very likely she will have her own room in whatever place he lives in and he will always have dysfunctional guilt about "leaving" her so unfortunately this might serve as indication of much worse to come if you ever married him. Bascially you are going to have to make a decision.....

 

He feels bad about leaving his mother but doesn't feel bad about not seeing you, or you crying????

 

He made me feel like the bad guy

 

-Betcha' his mom does that to him when he leaves HER.... dysfunctional patterns like that are easily handed down. I would run if I were you. Of course you were "too hard on him" in his mind......his mother has told him he can do no wrong so he shouldn't have to hear any criticism. To me it was telling that the last time you and him had a disagreement, she knew about it and told you not to contact him about it because it would stress him out.

 

She shields him from being a grown man. So any little ripple in life will feel "too hard" for him to deal with. Run. Get out now while you still can.

[sweetpea03]

I don't know that he doesn't respect them, I think he's just oblivious to them...which may be just as bad.

 

I think you are making excuses for him. You have said yourself, earlier, that you talked to him about it and don't like the idea of his mother always being there. He obviously isn't taking what you said to heart and will not cut the umbilical cord he has with his mother. This is an unhealthy relationship. Adults need to be independent of their parents and not feel like they need to be with them constantly. I would never put up with my FMIL always being with us. There is a point where you have to say enough is enough and make sure there is a change that happens. If he can't change, then you need to decide what to do from there. It doesn't seem like he is willing to let go of his mom, so I think it may be best if you leave. You can't change him, he has to do that himself. I wish you all the best. good luck.