Future Mother in Law issues.

[baker843]

Yes, she did just put herself into our lives and her mission was successful. I hope she's happy knowing that her son will be living for her and only her the rest of their lives. I'm sure they will be.

 

I had thought about talking to them both, but after events of recent, I didn't even want to deal with it. I'm emotionally exhausted and talking to this crazy woman wouldn't do me any good.

 

It is angering because she sits around all day doing nothing. She DVRs tv shows and quite literally, sits around all day sleeping on his couch, maybe does a load of laundry, and watches tv. She's 63 (I think, give or take 1 year) and should have SOME kind of life outside of sitting in her grown son's apartment for 3 months doing nothing and talking to nobody but him. It's so pathetic that it angers me.

 

And lastly, the lack of intimacy? He has no explanation for that. He just thinks I'm the bad guy because I want it more often than once every 5 weeks and because I want him to come over and sleep next to me at night.

 

My therapist actually believes that his relationship with his mother is the cause of his sexual issues. Who knows, but I can no longer keep dealing with it.

[DN]

This guy is either playing some sot of game or quite literally doesn't get it. In either case yuou need to move on without him.

[baker843]

This guy is either playing some sot of game or quite literally doesn't get it. In either case yuou need to move on without him.

 

I am definitely moving on now. To be honest with you, I think he doesn't get it. He really, truly doesn't. My therapist agrees that he is blind to the abnormality of all of this.

[DN]

I suspect it is a willful blindness - few people are that clueless and if his mother has mentioned it to you she has no doubt mentioned it to him.

[baker843]

I suspect it is a willful blindness - few people are that clueless and if his mother has mentioned it to you she has no doubt mentioned it to him.

 

True. I also thought that some of this might be guilt. I think there is a chance that he might know it's abnormal and/or unfair to me and us as a couple, but his mother's happiness and feelings trump anything having to do with his own happiness or his love life. IE he would like to go to dinner alone with me but feels guilty for leaving her alone...even though she should've gone home a long time ago.

[hers]

I Don't remember if you ever mentioned this or not, but where is his father? What's the story there?

[baker843]

I Don't remember if you ever mentioned this or not, but where is his father? What's the story there?

 

Good question and no I never mentioned dad.

 

His dad and his mom weren't dating that long when his mom got pregnant. They never married each other or anyone else and neither one ever had anymore kids.

 

His dad didn't really want anything to do with her or the pregnancy and wasn't involved much in his life when he was little.

 

I know his dad has made attempts to reach out to him once he got a little bit older. He sends him birthday and Christmas gifts and if he has ever needed it, money.

 

Quite honestly, and I don't know this for fact it's just an assumption, I think his mother tainted his vision of his father and never wanted his dad IN his life.

 

The little bit I DO know about his dad is actually very positive and I know he is open to a relationship with his son, not to mention he has helped him out quite a bit financially in the past. He also never forgets his son's birthday and invites him to holidays with his family. I also do know that his father has told him in the past that any financial help or otherwise should be between them and he needed to stop communicating through his mother.

[Applewhite]

WOW - I just read all this. Sorry this happened to you but I think you've handled it VERY well. It seems the mother turner her sun into her 'husband' over the years. I agree with everyone that said her visit was to break you two up and her texts were to just cause trouble and see if shes succeeding etc (liekwise for her comment about talk to her about your relationship problems).

 

Have you had a final conversation to end it or will you just let it fizzle out?

[Windycitygal]

That's really sad about the dad. It does seem that in a sick way your boyfriend has been her 'husband' over the years.

 

I think at this point there really isn't anything you can do. Nobody wants to get married to that guy, if you know what I mean. You'll always be second fiddle.

 

Keep us updated. Maybe she'll leave soon!

[baker843]

That's really sad about the dad. It does seem that in a sick way your boyfriend has been her 'husband' over the years.

 

I think at this point there really isn't anything you can do. Nobody wants to get married to that guy, if you know what I mean. You'll always be second fiddle.

 

Keep us updated. Maybe she'll leave soon!

 

Thank you for the input It is appreciated.

 

Yes, it is sad about his dad.

 

I got to thinking today that it might not be that far out of left field to speculate that she's waiting around for HIM to move back to Florida with HER.

 

Ever since she came he's been slacking off at work (not kidding) and long before we were involved he had spoke of moving down there. So I don't know, I believe it could be a possibility as to why things have been so incredibly strange. I'm sad because I feel sorry for him.

[baker843]

WOW - I just read all this. Sorry this happened to you but I think you've handled it VERY well. It seems the mother turner her sun into her 'husband' over the years. I agree with everyone that said her visit was to break you two up and her texts were to just cause trouble and see if shes succeeding etc (liekwise for her comment about talk to her about your relationship problems).

 

Have you had a final conversation to end it or will you just let it fizzle out?

 

Sort of. I've told him we don't have a relationship right now and I can't go on being with him without any time alone and without being a top priority to him. I told him to think about that and let me know how he felt.

 

He doesn't address it. Just wants me to go to dinner with him...then invites his mother.

[FreedomRing]

Sort of. I've told him we don't have a relationship right now and I can't go on being with him without any time alone and without being a top priority to him. I told him to think about that and let me know how he felt.

He doesn't address it. Just wants me to go to dinner with him...then invites his mother.

 

He DOES address it. By asking you to dinner and INVITING his mom. Nothing for him to think about. I'm not sure why you're still leaving the ball in his court????? His lack of answers for you ARE answers. You've reached your conclusions. It's unacceptable(rightfully so!!) - tell him to "give you a call if/when his mother leaves and HOPEFULLY you'll still be available or want to talk at that point".

[Snny]

Sort of. I've told him we don't have a relationship right now and I can't go on being with him without any time alone and without being a top priority to him. I told him to think about that and let me know how he felt.

 

He doesn't address it. Just wants me to go to dinner with him...then invites his mother.

 

Time to be blunt. Tell him you're not going, you're through with him, and to stop calling you.

 

tell him to "give you a call if/when his mother leaves and HOPEFULLY you'll still be available or want to talk at that point".

 

Why should she continue to wait around this guy when these problems will not go away? She needs to leave him for good and find herself an adult boyfriend.

[baker843]

Why should she continue to wait around this guy when these problems will not go away? She needs to leave him for good and find herself an adult boyfriend.

 

He's definitely a child still. And always will be.

[Applewhite]

I also think that after all that's happened and all that you have communicated with him about the situation (bravely but respectfully) him bringing his MOTHER on your date/dinner that he practically begged for speaks volumes. Either he is obnoxious and pigheaded or he is just clueless and oblivious as you sometimes suggest (I really don't think he is clueless). In any case, I think it is time to move on. This would be a dealbreaker for anyone pretty much. I completely disagree with the poster that was hinting that the relationship with his mom is 'functional' and yours is the problematic one. You did all you could.

[baker843]

I also think that after all that's happened and all that you have communicated with him about the situation (bravely but respectfully) him bringing his MOTHER on your date/dinner that he practically begged for speaks volumes. Either he is obnoxious and pigheaded or he is just clueless and oblivious as you sometimes suggest (I really don't think he is clueless). In any case, I think it is time to move on. This would be a dealbreaker for anyone pretty much. I completely disagree with the poster that was hinting that the relationship with his mom is 'functional' and yours is the problematic one. You did all you could.

 

Thank you this has taken a lot of courage. It's very difficult. Very. Of course we are talking about a person I have been friends with for 5 years and a person that I care about and love, so it's a tough time right now.

[hers]

God his relationship with his mom sounds like its right out of a lifetime movie.

[Applewhite]

^Yes it does! And the comments/questions mom is texting to DIL makes mom look even more PSYCHO.

[baker843]

God his relationship with his mom sounds like its right out of a lifetime movie.

 

HAHAHAHA, Oh my, Maybe I could submit a script

[Applewhite]

I love your attitude and self control. Stay strong.

[Windycitygal]

When you have these discussions with him, do you actually say "tell your mom to leave now or I'm breaking up with you?"

 

Since you already know you don't want to be with him any more, you might as well see what he would say. I sure as hell would be curious if I were you.

[Applewhite]

^ I don't know what purpose that would serve.

[jenny_mcs]

Thank you this has taken a lot of courage. It's very difficult. Very. Of course we are talking about a person I have been friends with for 5 years and a person that I care about and love, so it's a tough time right now.

 

I absolutely think you did the right thing. And I know it's hard right now, but you *really* dodged a bullet with this guy. Thank God you found this out before you were married, and mom came with you on your honeymoon and you had to do rock paper scissors to see who got to sleep in the bed with him-- her or you!

[DN]

^ I don't know what purpose that would serve.

I don't either. it isn't likely to work in the short term and if it did it would almost certainly not work in the long.

[Circe]

Hmm. I feel sorry for him too now. It seems that he's been forced to live the "partner" role to his mother (and that would factor into the lack of sex drive, I think) - forced out of guilt. A guilt and love that she's taken advantage of. And what's really sad is that he obviously made some attempt to escape the prison he's in by moving away from Florida in the first place. But he's not strong enough to break free. The emotional trap is stronger than he is. And he'll go back to Florida.. and his life will be truly ruined. It's actually quite heartbreaking.

 

I think you should end it with him and show him this thread - as a final gift to him. In the hope that he can figure it out. Show it to him and his mother - and have nothing more to do with them again.