Future Mother in Law issues.

[baker843]

My plan now is to back off and put some distance between us. I have not been seeing him often for the past week. I also told him that due to the fact that we have no sex life or alone time and his mother seems to come before me, that I am now questioning the longevity of this relationship. He seemed upset, and is repeatedly telling me he misses me but is not doing anything about it.

[truegrit]

Thanks for getting back to us and letting us know how things are going. I think this for now is your best move and the ball is now in his court. He will be forced to take some action or no action and that will tell you a lot.

[DN]

My plan now is to back off and put some distance between us. I have not been seeing him often for the past week. I also told him that due to the fact that we have no sex life or alone time and his mother seems to come before me, that I am now questioning the longevity of this relationship. He seemed upset, and is repeatedly telling me he misses me but is not doing anything about it.

That is the point - he isn't and he won't - ever. This would be a pattern for the future of the relationship. His mother knows she is in the way of the relationship and so does he - but both of them won't change anything.

 

This guy is either going to end up alone (except for his mother) or with some long-suffering wife who is slways going to take second place to his mother. Don't let that wife be you.

[Elaine Marley]

Yes, thanks for posting and letting us know how it's going. I read this thread and honestly couldn't believe it. I agree with DN -- this is never going to change. I honestly think that this is not the man for you. I also think the mother knows she is sabotaging this relationship, consciously or unconsciously. She may not leave until you two break up. That's probably why she keeps extending her visit -- her work isn't done yet.

[baker843]

I also think the mother knows she is sabotaging this relationship, consciously or unconsciously. She may not leave until you two break up. That's probably why she keeps extending her visit -- her work isn't done yet.

 

I don't have any concrete reason to think that she is purposely sabotaging our relationship by extending her visit (consciously or not), but I get a gut feeling that you are absolutely correct. After our talk, he made an effort to take me out on a date night where we were alone for the entire evening. Dinner alone, movie alone, drinks alone.

It was quite nice...until the evening ended and he drove us back to his house. He acted offended that I didn't sleep over. It's further proof that he isn't getting it.

 

I don't want to be sleeping in the same apartment as his mother and I'm sorry if that makes me cruel but it's hard to lay next to him knowing she's there. It's starting to feel creepy to me.

 

He's upset that I'm not going over to his place during the week after work: it's because it's WEIRD to go over there and sit on the couch with him and have her be cooking us dinner or hanging out 10 feet away from us constantly. It makes me feel like we're both her children or are in high school or something.

 

the only change I have noticed by putting this distance between us and our talks, is that when I do go over, she almost immediately retreats to his bedroom and shuts the door and doesn't eat with us every night. So, while they (or she) might be making the effort, the fact is that she is STILL here, and he STILL isn't making a real effort to end the night alone with me. I give him credit for the private date I guess...

[truegrit]

Sounds like he might just be trying to pacify you but at the same time trying to have it his way.

[baker843]

That is the point - he isn't and he won't - ever. .

 

I hate to admit you're right I'm trying very hard to give him a chance after I came clean with my feelings. He tried to take me out on a date and has been making a minimal effort but it's just not enough and I get the feeling it is temporary...their relationship foundation is so concrete that I don't forsee it undergoing the major change it needs to for my needs to be met.

[baker843]

Sounds like he might just be trying to pacify you but at the same time trying to have it his way.

 

Correct...or trying to keep his mom and I both happy. Which will just absolutely not work. And I don't want to put him in a position to choose. I shouldn't even have to.

[truegrit]

Yes, exactly because of this abnormal relationship with his mother he feels like he is put in the middle. Kinda like balancing two gf's. Really a sad situation for all 3 of you. He has chosen to fall into this thing with his mother. You have the choice to get out of this triangle, course he does also but because his mind has become dysfunctional with it it's way harder for him.

[Snny]

I'm still confused here. I guess you are too.

 

Are you still dating this guy? You know that you're unhappy and that this guy isn't "the one" for you. Taking a temporary break is not going to resolve this problem. He's trying to kiss up to you to keep you strung, but like you said, he's not changing. DN hit it on the head that this guy is never going to grow up and you know that for a fact.

 

OP, what do you want? I am really, really sorry this is happening to you (in fact reading this story is so frustrating). It's time to cut him out of your life forever or you will be unhappy and miserable.

[baker843]

I'm still confused here. I guess you are too.

 

 

Yes, that would be correct. I wanted (maybe still want) so badly to give him a chance because things seemed so perfect and I love him. I know everyone is right that this will likely not change and I have to make the decision to live like this or get out now. It's just not easy but I KNOW what I have to do.

[DN]

If this were a one off situation it might be tolerable because it would be ending at some point but when she is talking about having her own room in your future home and spending several months a year there and he is OK with that idea - that would not be conducive to any sort of good relationship for you.

[baker843]

Well I think I'm making some progress. I've been going to a therapist, who is validating my feelings and making me feel much, much stronger and a lot more confident.

 

The therapist does in fact believe that what's going on is bizarre, very unhealthy, and emotional incest. She believes the mother came here on a mission to sabotage our relationship (NOT JUST A VISIT) and succeeded. She said it's very clear that his mother didn't just come here for a visit. She quit her part time job and sits around doing nothing all day. She has more time alone with him than I ever did. Once a few weeks ago she left town for a WHOLE DAY to visit relatives. She sent me a text saying "I hope you enjoyed some time alone together." Excuse me, but I shouldn't be THANKFUL to her for 24 hours alone with her son.

 

I told him flat out that the length of his mother's visit was bizarre to me. He said that she is terrified of being alone and he's all she has in the world.

I also told him that she;s been living alone his entire life and that she needed to go make friends, find hobbies, get a job, WHATEVER to occupy her time and have her OWN LIFE.

 

He said it was hard for her to make friends because of her age. I told him that was a terrible excuse, (that my 86 year old grandfather has joined card tournaments to go make friends!) and to quit defending her. There is a club house in the complex she lives in down in Florida and they have cards, potlucks, and parties. She could go there to make some friends.

 

I said that it is completely unhealthy that she is SO dependent on him, a grown man, with his own life and that I REFUSE to share a home and a husband and a LIFE with my mother law. Any mother in law of mine WILL NOT have a room 'designated' to her in my home. Any mother in law of mine WILL NOT be here for 3 months straight PLUS additional visits throughout the year and he needed to think about that before even considering engagement to me.

 

I told him to think about this because it's now a deal breaker. Period.

[truegrit]

WOW, good for you! Keep us posted

[hers]

Good for you Baker!

[penelope13]

How did he react?

[baker843]

How did he react?

 

He didn't really say a lot, if anything, to be honest. He kind of sat there in silence. The conversation happened in my car when I was dropping him off at home. He hugged and kissed me a lot when he got out of the car so obviously it didn't offend him. In a way I felt bad because I felt like he's very torn and it's not necessarily his fault because of his mom damaging him so damn bad.

 

I think he just didn't want to hear it, as suspected.

 

He's been awfully clingy (texting/calling a lot) ever since. I haven't been over to his house, so I haven't had a chance to see how his mother would now act towards me.

[DN]

I think that needed to be said. Please let us how this turns out.

[BellaDonna]

I am so glad you were assertive, baker843. You handled it well. You had to be clear because this will affect your life. You were honest with him and straight forward about what would stop you from marrying him. So now, if he decides that he wants a normal life and to act like a grown man and to marry you, he will have to make some changes.

 

I don't think any wife would want to deal with the sick situation with his mother. If he does not make the changes now he will lose you and probably anyone else that enters his life after you. I hope for his sake he smartens up now, rather than later.

 

In a way I felt bad because I felt like he's very torn and it's not necessarily his fault because of his mom damaging him so damn bad.

 

I think he just didn't want to hear it, as suspected.

 

He would probably benefit from therapy at some point. Either way, try to avoid feeling pity for him and assuming that he cannot change things. There is no reason for you to feel bad about your standards and what you told him. You didn't do anything wrong. You have the right to be happy in your life and not have to feed into a sick dynamic with a MIL.

[Elaine Marley]

I'm proud of you, baker843. Good for you for finally telling him how you really feel. I also agree with everything your therapist said.

[Snny]

He's been awfully clingy (texting/calling a lot) ever since. I haven't been over to his house, so I haven't had a chance to see how his mother would now act towards me.

Awesome job for sticking up for yourself. About time!

 

IMO, don't go to his house until his mother leaves or what you told him in the car would be meaningless. You would be making it clear to them that you want no part of their time until it gets resolved (her moving out). Block the Monster in Law's number too. You don't need to deal with her if she is spatting out sniveling, confrontational texts into your phone (quite childish if you ask me that she has to text and can't be bothered to call you like an adult). She is an Alpha Female, and if you aren't clear or assertive with your relationship boundaries, she will run over them with a mental Monster Truck.

[generaldiscord]

Well, family is important, and if he is close to his mother and wants to see her a lot in the half year they have together, that doesn't really sound like a problem to me.

 

If you feel that your personal needs aren't being considered, it's probably because you aren't voicing them. You can mention that of course there will be a guest bedroom, but you need to see when it is available because your family also comes to visit. Or you can say that at the very least there will be a hidaway couch, but you'll see what's available. But if you don't say anything, it will be assumed that you don't have a specific opinion.

 

There are some gentle ways to say 'TIME ALONE. GO AWAY. THREES A CROWD". One is to get two tickets to a show or concert or event and give them to him at dinner. One is to just come over and sleep over. (I know, it's awkward at first, but people have been doing it for thousands of years) Or you can come over and make yourself at home more often, establishing yourself as the queen of the household.

[hers]

There are some gentle ways to say 'TIME ALONE. GO AWAY. THREES A CROWD". One is to get two tickets to a show or concert or event and give them to him at dinner. One is to just come over and sleep over. (I know, it's awkward at first, but people have been doing it for thousands of years) Or you can come over and make yourself at home more often, establishing yourself as the queen of the household.

 

i am quite a fan of passive aggression.

[generaldiscord]

i am quite a fan of passive aggression.

 

I can't tell whether you're being sarcastic, but that was totally not the point either way. My point was, if you want to have your way, you need to say what you want. Buying two tickets means "I want to go with you. Alone." and you don't even need to squabble with the inlaws.

[baker843]

Well, family is important, and if he is close to his mother and wants to see her a lot in the half year they have together, that doesn't really sound like a problem to me.

 

It is actually a problem and a very unhealthy one. She's living with him part time-considering she's a physically healthy person with her own home, it's a little disturbing. Visits are one thing. Living together is another.

 

He's 28 years old with his own life. He feels responsible for his mother's happiness. That's dysfunctional.

 

And should I really have to go to these extremes to have some time alone with him? Should I have to spell it out in crayon? No. But I did. Now we wait.