Future Mother in Law issues.

[BellaDonna]

I am a mother of a son. He is only 3 right now. But one of my goals in life is to strive not to be an interfering MIL if he ever decides to get married one day. Pushy MIL's are so annoying and toxic to relationships and all of the doting and control they exert leads to their adult sons or daughters not knowing how to act like adults or make any decisions on their own.

 

Parents want the best for their kids but they need to know when to butt out. I'd be concerned if my son was 28 and had a GF and never saw her. I'd wonder why he'd want to hang around with me for a month straight and never do anything socially appropriate for his age. The whole point of raising a child is that eventually they will be independent. There will always be a deep parent-child bond but children will need to live their own lives as adults. I also love my own mother but she would never have her own room in my house or come before my husband.

[penelope13]

I find it even more disturbing that HE himself doesn't seem to realize that there is a problem and that he is not making any efforts to have some alone time with his girlfriend. I would understand if he wanted to maximize his time with her if she was only there for a small amount of time, but for months? - Why doesn't he want to be intimate with you, why doesn't he want to be alone with you?

 

I'm sure if he would tell his mother that he needs some private time, she would accept. It's not as if she is not used to being by herself.

[baker843]

BellaDonna, when I did try to bring up our lack of sex life to him, he brushed it off. I've tried to initiate it if I spend the night in his bedroom with him (on the rare occasions I do) and he always stops me because his mom is one room away. I've texted him during work and suggested he stop over at my place for a few minutes of alone time (HINT!) before going home but he never likes that idea.

 

Something disturbing to me is that we got into an argument a couple of weeks ago over the phone while at work. it wasn't anything major, but I didn't go over to his house that night (I didn't want to be around when we were peeved at one another and his mom was sitting there.)

 

She sent me a text (YES she texted me) the next day and asked me if I was okay and if things were ok between her son and I. She said he's very stressed at work and basically said if I have insecurities about our relationship or concerns, to not talk to him about it right now, but that I should vent to her.

 

Thinking back, this is disturbing. It was basically as if she was telling me that she wants to know all of the dirt in our relationship--why would I not communicate with HIM? Why would I vent to HER? She's even asked me about our sex life.

[baker843]

Penelope, I find this disturbing as well. He doesn't see it as abnormal that we have not had a dinner together alone or have been intimate only 3 times in the past 3 months. WHY?

 

We love each other immensely and are best friends but this is an issue. A big one.

[BellaDonna]

she sent me a text (yes she texted me) the next day and asked me if i was okay and if things were ok between her son and i. She said he's very stressed at work and basically said if i have insecurities about our relationship or concerns, to not talk to him about it right now, but that i should vent to her.

 

 

 

Run for the hills!!!!!

 

he always stops me because his mom is one room away.

 

He is mentally controlled even when she is not present. That is worrying!

[baker843]

She goes to bars with us. Honest to goodness, the woman comes and sits with us while we have a few drinks. She'll sit there if we stay out until 1 am.

[penelope13]

I would not want to be with someone who can't separate from a parent. Sure, the mother is not very sensitive about your needs, but if he would speak up for you there wouldn't be an issue.

[DN]

I think if this were a 'one off' visit you could probably get past it. But it seems clear this is going to be an annual thing and that is just plain unacceptable.

 

i had my mother-in-law live with us for nine months and it nearly drove me nuts, as nice as she is.

[baker843]

I would not want to be with someone who can't separate from a parent. Sure, the mother is not very sensitive about your needs, but if he would speak up for you there wouldn't be an issue.

 

I agree. It's his place to recognize it's an issue and to do something about it.

[Snny]

She sent me a text (YES she texted me) the next day and asked me if I was okay and if things were ok between her son and I. She said he's very stressed at work and basically said if I have insecurities about our relationship or concerns, to not talk to him about it right now, but that I should vent to her.

Wow... OP, if you haven't said anything nasty to her yet, I give you kudos for holding back. My mind AND mouth would be running loose if my future mother in law started dictating how to run MY relationship and to take my relationship problems to her only. Like excuse me, my martial problems are between me and your son, butt eh hell out. LOL he's the only one stressed here? No consideration to you. Oh man, if I got a text like this I would be letting her AND the boyfriend have it and start packing my bags... but seriously mad props to you if you managed to tame your temper and not go off on her.

 

That's just... wow screwed up. Start packing your bags.

[baker843]

at this point, I've honestly started to re-evaluate the entire relationship. I expressed concern to him last night that we have had no time alone, meaning just the 2 of us, for 5 weeks now. He invited me out to dinner tonight, but of course mommy has to tag along. He also wanted to 'spend time' with me this weekend.....that equals a bar and he specifically noted that me and 'mommy' could just meet up with him after work. 5 weeks and not a single moment where we are alone! Our relationship doesn't even really exist right now.

[sweetpea03]

at this point, I've honestly started to re-evaluate the entire relationship. I expressed concern to him last night that we have had no time alone, meaning just the 2 of us, for 5 weeks now. He invited me out to dinner tonight, but of course mommy has to tag along. He also wanted to 'spend time' with me this weekend.....that equals a bar and he specifically noted that me and 'mommy' could just meet up with him after work. 5 weeks and not a single moment where we are alone! Our relationship doesn't even really exist right now.

 

I don't know how you put up with it. I would have been gone by now. He has to be the one who separates himself from his mommy and doesn't seem to be doing so or even has the want to do so. It really should be his decision to cut the cord from his mom or he may end up resenting you later, but it's a hard line to walk. I hope it all can work out for you.

[jenny_mcs]

at this point, I've honestly started to re-evaluate the entire relationship. I expressed concern to him last night that we have had no time alone, meaning just the 2 of us, for 5 weeks now. He invited me out to dinner tonight, but of course mommy has to tag along. He also wanted to 'spend time' with me this weekend.....that equals a bar and he specifically noted that me and 'mommy' could just meet up with him after work. 5 weeks and not a single moment where we are alone! Our relationship doesn't even really exist right now.

 

Well, at least you know what the deal is now, rather than after things were already more serious, and you were married. I would call or email him at work and tell him very specifically- 'I need to talk to you without your mother present.'

[hers]

What is her reason for being there for that length of time?

[baker843]

What is her reason for being there for that length of time?

 

I wish I knew.

 

It started off as a 2 week visit while she finalized everything with the home she just sold here in Ohio. That's done and taken care of.

 

Then it turned into "I'll stay through Thanksgiving"...then it turned into "I'll stay through Christmas" and now it's turned into "I'll stay until January"....

 

he seems to have no problem with the fact that she is living on his couch all day in his one bedroom apartment.

 

He should not have to tell her that we need time alone together, but since she doesn't realize it on her own, he should have the decency to tell her that we need some time to ourselves. He should have the desire for some time alone with me.

 

I don't think I'm asking for much. A night or two a week where we are completely alone would do.

 

It is a very sensitive subject to bring up to him. I briefly spoke with him about it the other night: not specifically expressing concern about his mother but that it concerned me that we really have not had any time alone in the past 5 weeks. He did end up taking me to dinner (sans mom) last night.

 

I have a fear that she's going to just stay here long term or she's going to be driving back up here all of the time to be with him. i've gone 5 weeks and am already frustrated. I don't think I can go another 6-7 weeks...or longer if she decides to stay...

[baker843]

I might add that he flew down to Florida to see her in March, May, and September (he stayed 4-5 days each time) and she drove up here in July and stayed for a week. So it's not like they never see each other.

[truegrit]

This to me would feel like my BF was having an emotional affair with another woman. I mean really his mind is with her not you. Your feelings and needs are being pushed aside, I would sure feel very "unloved" at this time and playing second fiddle to another woman. It would sure tell me where his loyalites lie. It would also cause me to lose respect for a man that isn't willing to stand up to his mother and that he has some real underlying issues in their relationship.

I was an only adopted child and had a very controlling mother (long story of how I wasn't real fond of her) and it got so bad after I was married and especially after having children.......believe me you ain't seen nothing yet until you have kids......that we moved 1400 miles away. But, if he goes along with her even when she is not there she can do damage even from a distance.

It is all up to your BF, and your not seeing him even wanting to put his foot down, he apparently is fine with this so that alone is a huge RED FLAG!

Sad, very sad that just one thing like this can come between an otherwise good relationship.

Take extreme caution before going forward.

[truegrit]

So, were you able to talk to him about the issue when you actually had the one evening ALONE in 5 weeks?

[baker843]

This to me would feel like my BF was having an emotional affair with another woman.

 

 

Nail on the head.

[baker843]

So, were you able to talk to him about the issue when you actually had the one evening ALONE in 5 weeks?

 

 

I definitely expressed concern. I didn't yet bring up the issue about her wanting a whole bedroom to herself if and when we move next year. I figured that one can wait until she goes back...if she ever does...

 

I told him it was very troubling to me that it was our first night out alone in some time. He honestly didn't really say a whole lot in response, except for that he told me that I'm a very understanding and patient person.

 

So now that he's aware that it bothers me, we'll see how it plays out in the coming weeks...

[truegrit]

and.........it is easier to deal with your bf/husband having an emotional affair with another woman than it is with his mother. You can't fight that or you look like the bad guy, it's a losing game.

[baker843]

and.........it is easier to deal with your bf/husband having an emotional affair with another woman than it is with his mother. You can't fight that or you look like the bad guy, it's a losing game.

 

exactly. I look like I'm an uncaring person if I express concern that she's been here too long. It makes me seem selfish. But my needs aren't being met in so many ways and I can only put up with that for so long. she needs to stop depending so much on him and he needs to learn to stop worrying about her so much.

 

I think she truly treats him like he's her 'husband'...you know, not in a sick way, but she depends on him and thinks he is 'hers'

[hers]

I agree with true grit. It is an emotional affair almost, just a weird one with weird circumstances. Have you talked to him at all about any of it? Talking on the phone? Texting even?

 

I agree its up to him to set the boundaries with his mom, so its not your place. But as a woman who is about to marry a man with a meddling mother, I can say that sometimes you need to stand your ground with others if another person doesn't do it for you where its necessary. So talk to him first and then if nothing changes, politely ask her to stay at home for a night while you two have a date night. If neither of them gets it, then run run run bc you will never be able to come between them and that'll just be years of resentment for you.

[baker843]

I agree with true grit. It is an emotional affair almost, just a weird one with weird circumstances. Have you talked to him at all about any of it? Talking on the phone? Texting even?

 

 

I've spoken to him a bit about it just last night. It is a very delicate issue. If I push too hard, I'll seem like I'm insulting his mother and his relationship with her and I don't want to do that. If I don't say anything at all, it will continue to be like this because he obviously doesn't see with his own eyes that we need some boundaries.

 

I've been telling myself to not be selfish and the right thing to do is be patient while she is visiting.

 

However, after 5 weeks with no end in sight (maybe January), only one date night, no time alone, no intimacy due to lack of privacy, my patience has truly worn thin.

 

I mentioned it a little to him last night (our only date since she's been here). I didn't want to get into it deep because I wanted to enjoy our rare time alone together too. I just expressed to him that our lack of privacy and time alone was a huge concern to me and it was upsetting me. He apologized and acknowledged that I am a very patient and understanding person. He said it would get better but didn't recognize or seem to get the hint about what the true problem is.

[baker843]

I agree with true grit. It is an emotional affair almost, just a weird one with weird circumstances. Have you talked to him at all about any of it? Talking on the phone? Texting even?

 

 

I've spoken to him a bit about it just last night. It is a very delicate issue. If I push too hard, I'll seem like I'm insulting his mother and his relationship with her and I don't want to do that. If I don't say anything at all, it will continue to be like this because he obviously doesn't see with his own eyes that we need some boundaries.

 

I've been telling myself to not be selfish and the right thing to do is be patient while she is visiting.

 

However, after 5 weeks with no end in sight (maybe January), only one date night, no time alone, no intimacy due to lack of privacy, my patience has truly worn thin.

 

I mentioned it a little to him last night (our only date since she's been here). I didn't want to get into it deep because I wanted to enjoy our rare time alone together too. I just expressed to him that our lack of privacy and time alone was a huge concern to me and it was upsetting me. He apologized and acknowledged that I am a very patient and understanding person. He said it would get better but didn't recognize or seem to get the hint about what the true problem is.