ocman Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Ok, so I met this lady at the gym and we went to Starbucks and chatted for about 1 hour or so and there was a definite connection. Last night we went to dinner then to a beer bar with live music and we had great time, kissing etc. In front of her house in my vehicle it got very steamy and she told me basically we need to stop, I'm like ok. Then minutes later she says, I want you to come into the house, I'm like ok. To make a long story short we didn't make it past the couch (it was on). She had to get up early this morning so I left, then she texts me this morning and says, she had to much to drink last night (4 glasses of wine) and she feels incredibly guilty, is really upset with herself, needs time to think, and not to call her. I text her back saying, don't beat yourself up to much over it, we are both adults and left it at that. Now I'm feeling guilty because when she said stop we stopped, then she invited me into her house and I went along (now I'm thinking I should've just said goodnight). Any suggestions? Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Its not your fault. Truth be told she probably would have been hurt if you rejected her sexual advances so it was kinda loose loose. Sounds to me she feels horrible because she was drunk and had sex with you instead of waiting or feels she rushed it. Leave the ball in her court for now. Link to comment
tastytoothpaste Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 You really shouldn't feel guilty. I feel like society tiptoes around "rape" so much that it has put soooo much pressure on guys. Men tend to think that if he sleeps with a girl that has been drinking, he's in the wrong. That's simply not the case. She invited you in and initiated things. You were respectful when she said stop, and you came inside when she said come inside......oh wow, no pun intended haha Wait to hear from her, and when you do, assure her that she doesn't need to feel guilty and you weren't just looking for sex (right?). Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 As you said, you are both adults. You should not feel guilty because she is feeling bad. She was a willing participant and encouraged you. She was just as horny. What you should be thinking about, however, is how wise it was to have sex with someone you barely know. In other words, you should consider your actions of last night with respect to what it means for you (STDs, feeling crappy when, after a night of passion, she rejects you etc). Taking it slower and not getting caught up with lust is the better way to go in the long run. As for her..well..as they say, she made her bed so she has to lie in it. She was 50% to blame for this. Link to comment
ocman Posted June 21, 2009 Author Share Posted June 21, 2009 Wait to hear from her, and when you do, assure her that she doesn't need to feel guilty and you weren't just looking for sex (right?). That is right and I hope she doesn't think that either. Link to comment
Honey Pumpkin Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 I text her back saying, don't beat yourself up to much over it, we are both adults and left it at that. Now I'm feeling guilty because when she said stop we stopped, then she invited me into her house and I went along (now I'm thinking I should've just said goodnight). Nah, don't feel guilty. You had consensual sex, she's got cold feet this morning and asked you to give her space. You acknowledged her, and gave her space. Maybe she cheated on a boyfriend or something, which is why she's feeling bad. Who knows? Link to comment
kevinm Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 It takes two to tango!!! You did nothing wrong OP. Just take things easy. Maybe have a 2nd date without sex to show that you like her. -Kevin Link to comment
g84 Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 It doesn't sound like you were pushing her into doing anything, or trying to pressure her in some way, so i don't think you have to feel bad in this case. It's always a good idea to reflect on the situation though; maybe in the future it is something you will want to be more careful about in general, but you haven't hurt her or forced yourself onto her, don't worry about this aspect of it. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Its not your fault. Truth be told she probably would have been hurt if you rejected her sexual advances so it was kinda loose loose. Sounds to me she feels horrible because she was drunk and had sex with you instead of waiting or feels she rushed it. Leave the ball in her court for now. Love the freudian typo "loose loose" ;-). I agree with this and my guess is she knew what she was doing and has done this before, and goes through the same post-mortem. Like that old rap song lyric "when he asked me if I was a virgin I said why do you guys always ask me that?" (might not be a direct quote, but close). Link to comment
ocman Posted June 21, 2009 Author Share Posted June 21, 2009 Maybe she cheated on a boyfriend or something, which is why she's feeling bad. Who knows? No boyfriend. Link to comment
9volt Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 The last thing she wants to feel like is being "too easy" or being a * * * * . So the key for you is to show her that you're non-judgmental and that you're okay with what happened. If you convey to her that you're uncomfortable with what happened, then so is she. Link to comment
ocman Posted June 21, 2009 Author Share Posted June 21, 2009 I agree with this and my guess is she knew what she was doing and has done this before, and goes through the same post-mortem. Hmm, not so sure on this one. Link to comment
amipushy Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 I'm not sure about that one either. It might have been a very long time since she had sex so thought what the hell for once and is now paying the price. Link to comment
Dubb Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 You can't do anything about it now. This happens a lot when you don't get into a deep rapport with a women. Next time you talk with her let her know you felt a deep connection with her and comment on something she mentioned that you honesty thought was interesting. If she mentioned one of her passions or something. That way she knows she won you over using her mind and not her body. Link to comment
ocman Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 Next time you talk with her let her know you felt a deep connection with her and comment on something she mentioned that you honesty thought was interesting. If she mentioned one of her passions or something. That way she knows she won you over using her mind and not her body. She and we made it clear to each other that we felt major chemistry and had a good connection right off the bat. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 OK, so you're 52, so I'm imagining she's not 20, and pulling this line. At her age, I would have to believe this has happened before. Link to comment
pinkelephant Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Ew, what a mess. I can understand 20something and under pulling something like this, but not at 50 or closer to that age range. I wouldn't automatically assume she's done this before, but I'd assume little self control and a bit of a drama queen. Ew. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 I don't think you can necessarily assume she has done this before. Maybe she never has and thought she always wanted to try it...and now she tried it and realized this is not what she wants and feels ashamed. Link to comment
lady00 Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 I think what she is feeling sounds pretty natural. Many people would feel that way after doing something like that. I would not assume anything about her either way. Maybe the reason she is upset is because she has never done this before and it doesn't comport with her values. Or maybe she has done this before. Who knows. I think your response was fine and accurate--there is nothing wrong with what happened. Neither of you should feel guilty but I can understand why she would feel that way. I think the right thing to do is clear--let her contact you. If someone asks you directly for something, then that's all you need to know. She's asked for space, so that's really all you can do. And don't beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong. Link to comment
ocman Posted June 23, 2009 Author Share Posted June 23, 2009 I think the right thing to do is clear--let her contact you. If someone asks you directly for something, then that's all you need to know. She's asked for space, so that's really all you can do. I'm hoping to hear from her soon. I'm not beating myself up, but I will be bummed if she doesn't want to continue the relationship. I want her to know that it's way more than just a physical attraction. Link to comment
servedcold Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 Call her, regardless of what she says. She is waiting for you to take the reins and let her know everything is ok. That is provided you want to date her again. If not, don't call. Agree with batya also, she's done this before, maybe regularly. Her patter is a bit too rehearsed to be sincere. Link to comment
waveseer Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 Call her, regardless of what she says. She is waiting for you to take the reins and let her know everything is ok. That is provided you want to date her again. If not, don't call. Agree with batya also, she's done this before, maybe regularly. Her patter is a bit too rehearsed to be sincere. I agree with this, fwiw. Link to comment
amipushy Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 I wouldnt wait for her to all you, its highly unlikely she will ( stupid dating rules etc) And besides even if she has done this before.. so have you. So what. Who cares. Call her. Link to comment
HighRoad Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 I'm hoping to hear from her soon. I'm not beating myself up, but I will be bummed if she doesn't want to continue the relationship. I want her to know that it's way more than just a physical attraction. You sound like a really nice guy, and I think maybe you could just say to her what you have said here. I would think she might appreciate that. Sex is very hard and complicating, especially as we get older. It can be really lovely, but also very painful emotionally - especially if we care about the other person. I would not think she had ever done this before, some of you guys are being too harsh on her. Link to comment
ocman Posted June 27, 2009 Author Share Posted June 27, 2009 I would not think she had ever done this before, some of you guys are being too harsh on her. I'm getting that feeling too. Haven't had a chance to get to a computer, but I called her Wednesday and we met yesterday for about an hour and everything seemed ok until today. Ok, we met last week and on the first date (Saturday) I brought her some cookies and a card for her Bday which is today because she said she had plans for her Bday (going out with her girlfriends). I call her this morning and wish her a Happy BDay. Then I text her saying I wanted to take her out for her Bday on Saturday. Then I get a call today and she says she is disappointed that I didn't get her flowers. Is that kind of demanding on her part? Link to comment
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