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servedcold

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servedcold last won the day on November 17 2009

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  1. It's the clubs and that you are alone, probably nothing whatsoever to do with you personally. Try this experiment. Get your hottest female friend or relative, both of you dress up nice, then go to the clubs with her on your arm. Smile actively at the women and keep a log of their looks in response. Bet you it will be 180 degrees different than what you experience alone.
  2. In on the most ancient necro I've ever seen on the net, Weeeeee!
  3. Have seen some grisly necros in my day, but never a 5 year one.
  4. Adjectives describing people's body shapes are often so vague and contextual as to be meaningless. Out and about, "curvy" means "feminine and shapely" to me. Online dating, though, "curvy" generally means "morbidly obese." So out and about, curvy is great, internet dating, no.
  5. Tall men do better with women all other things equal, irrefutable fact.
  6. Haha on the reborn thread! Shoe lifts might increase a guy's height by 5% max. Padded bras increase boob size by a MUCH greater amount, so try again dear Jaded. But glad you brought this up, as many many women wear padded bras without a second thought and guys accept this, together with all the other artifice and smoke and mirrors women invoke in the attraction game, but when a poor guy wants to boost his height by a couple inches, the detractors come out in full force. It IS a double standard, no if's and's but's. OP, lift away! EDIT: and almost ALL women wear high heels from time to time, and the reason they do it is irrelevant. If I were dating a woman who was 6' or taller in heels, I'd consider lifts to boost me to 6'1" without a second thought. Used to date a woman who was 6'2" years ago and we got lots of odd looks (I'm just under 5'11"), shoulda used lifts, hehe.
  7. Use em. I would if I were under 5'8", LOL @ any woman who uses makeup or wears high heels and says this is "fake" or "dishonest." Replace the word "shoes" with "makeup" in the following sentence, "What happens when the shoes come off..." Women make such a huge deal out of men's height, and any who says this is not generally the case is being dishonest or naive. Men concerned about height are not interested in being told "Well, I prefer short guys," because they are interested in being more attractive to women GENERALLY than to the exceptional woman who looks past height. Women regularly boost their own height with heels to make themselves taller and FREQUENTLY state that they don't want a guy who is shorter than them when they have heels on. It is easy to give the illusion of more height by wearing lifts, so by all means try it if you like. The short movie stars listed in another post have teams of people and millions of dollars creating a sexy, desirable image in front of a camera, and are absolutely NOT valid examples of short men who do well with women. Also, of course, certain short men do great out and about, but 9/10 times, these short men are very handsome and have great features. An average looking short guy will lose out generally to an average looking tall guy with a similarly attractive personality, a simple undeniable fact of general female attraction. Male height is a simple, undeniable focus of general female attraction, everyone knows it, and the amount of pseudodiscussion this topic gets on this forum is funny...
  8. Most everyone has concentrated on signs, or changes in behavior, here are some inherent characteristics from a guy's perspective: 1. Low self-esteem, gullibility, susceptibility to compliments, naivete about people's intentions, craves attention/affirmation more than the average person. 2. Compulsiveness in either substance, spending, sex or general risk-taking. 3. Greater than average amount of emotional baggage, childhood abuse, abandonment issues. 4. Romanticized view of love as "butterflies in the stomach," confuses infatuation with love, falls in love quickly or quick to profess love. 5. Clinginess rising to codependency, control issues in relationships, tendency towards emotional manipulation to get what she wants. Any two-three, she is likely to cheat, all five, she WILL cheat, just a matter of when. Don't know whether once a cheater always a cheater is true, but do know that once a woman gets a "taste" for cheating, I believe she will always cheat, it's an addiction like any other substance addiction. I imagine the same is true of guys, don't know.
  9. I spent/spend lots of time analyzing the ex relationship because I had never been treated so badly with no warning signs whatsoever (there were signs, just had no experience recognizing them). It is worthwhile to spot red flags for the future, and to find company here who have also been treated badly. Better here where birds of a feather flock than burdening family and friends with it.
  10. Glad it resonated with you; If many of the people on ENA analyzed their situation with the ex who moves on quickly to another person, they would find lots of similarities, hence I think the discussion belongs in a thread like this. If the OP disagrees, I will gladly move it. None of us is perfect in relationships, the thing to remember most when healing from this sort of thing is that you were damned if you do and damned if you don't, so there was nothing you could do. Either a) you give in to their incessant attention in a like fashion and know that the post honeymoon reality stage of a relationship is the death knell for people like this (they can't form true love, or at least can't with us); or b) you don't give in, try to strategize to be challenging to them, maintain your boundaries, and realize they will soon move on to a more compliant person they can control or get reaction/supply/drama/whatever from. Don't fault yourself for playing a game you could never win. Very difficult, exacerbated in my case by her looks, charm and sexual energy, at first the flattery is overwhelming, "this perfect 10 is persuing me like a dog in heat..." easy to give into. Compounded by the fact that they usually have an army of people chasing them, yet they are chasing us... too good to be true, usually is. Rest assured that anything you did wrong that would have been wrong in a normal relationship was probably not the cause here. The mind of an addict/emotionally disturbed person forms attraction and loses it for reasons known only to their disordered psyche. Too much time spent in analysis is wasted time. Best to just analyze the signs for YOUR future needs. I feel ya here, the best cure for me has been lots and lots of contact with emotionally normal people, getting emotional needs met in a more normal way. Imagine also riding a rollercoaster, where every time you got off you would have to give a pint of blood. Though the ride is incredible, do you truly deep in your heart, want to get back on? If you did get back on, how much more riding could you take before you passed out? If we ride until our blood is gone, what does that say of our strength, self-respect and integrity. I won't be getting on that ride again, thanks. Haha I like the "dry drunk" image as it applies to relationships. Relationship/love/sex addiction is socially allowed in our culture, where many other addictions are frowned upon. Is it any wonder that these personalities get their jollies via the love high? Tolerance, as in physical tolerance to the addictive substance, seems to be a common theme here on ENA. No single person can be a continuing supply of the fix for a love high addict. Be careful of the categories shrinks use to compartmentalize personality disorders for treatment. My ex was diagnosed anxiety disorder/mild OCD/more serious bulimic, and told me herself she believed she was codependent. I believe that she is easily diagnosable borderline and shows strong histrionic tendencies and some narcissism. All these categories really mean nothing for relationship purposes, and even generally I believe. What matters is whether the person has a strong enough moral compass and strength to form a commited loving relationship or not despite their symptoms, and specifically, whether they can form such with US. Nothing else really matters, and analysis and categorizing is wasted time. I believe that my ex may be able to fix her problems with the right person, the OM she left me for leads a highly structured life, is supposedly religious, and may represent the discipline she needs to get better. For his sake I hope so, because if not, he is gonna find himself absent a few pints after the ride... These types of people are easy to spot rationalizing/lying, I'm no human lie detector, we just look the other way. My ex constantly talked about the failings of exes to get sympathy, everything from sexual performance to intellect and mannerisms. Taking sex as an example, she constantly talked about their physical dimensions or how they were "lousy in bed." Sex with her was great in some ways, but control issues (frequent but always on her terms/intimacy issues - wanted little foreplay, other unpostable things) caused our sex to be much less than it could be. On reflection, I have seen that these constant comments were really a) part of her power games/ manipulation strategy to plant doubt in my mind about my adequacy, though ostensibly favorable comparisons or b) reflections on her own insecurities, neither healthy. Also, on another level, continuous talk about exes is a red flag because it shows disrespect. At the end of our relationship, she knew almost nothing about any of my exes, but I knew tons about hers, most bad. Let's follow that very good advice Congratulations on your recovery. My ex had been institutionalized within 7 years and presented many bulimic behaviors during our relationship, which I unwisely thought just quirky (won't go into a laundry list here). I think an unrecovered bulimic is the flip side of the male alcoholic/gambling addict. I would never hesitate to date a person who had an emotional/addictive past, but it would need to be -far- in the past, and showing little if any signs of raring up again.
  11. Saw lots of flags, but we had an unreal mental, emotional and physical connection (so it seemed), so I stupidly discounted them. Here are some: 1) We attached at the hip from day one, we were literally fascinated with each other. Looking back, I realize that she was showering me with way too much attention too fast. Her life was always moving at a rocket pace, easy to fall for this because it was exciting and hot. 2) She lied about a couple of things early on, little things, but still a bad sign. She rationalized alot about all manner of things, work, family, she was constantly spinning things her way. She was in marketing, so easy to take this as an extension of her work. hehe stupid of me i know. 3) She displayed constant lack of self-control and impulsive behavior, I unwisely attributed this to how much fun we were having with each other, "throwing caution to the wind," it was very romantic at first. It's easy to tell oneself that this is just spontaneity, which we all like in small doses. 4) She ran down her exes from the past in a way that, as a poker player, I could tell was somewhat insincere. Again vanity on my part, "look how favorably I compare to all these other guys in her past." 5) She brought up her eating and emotional disorders early on. I had no experience with this type of person. Sorry to sound harsh to anyone who suffers from these, but I won't be riding that kind of train again. Bulimia, especially where laxatives are involved and they have been institutionalized for it in the past, is probably the biggest red flag I will look for in the future; it goes hand in hand with all kinds of other emotional disorders. (and please don't dare take up for her saying "she was sick" uhuh, TONS of people have these issues and get help or curb their impulses, no sympathy whatsoever from me there). 6) She was very clingy and codependent, while playing power and control games simultaneously. I'm a confident guy, happy with myself and my life, so it seemed "cute" that she needed me so much and was trying to control me, she always said she found me "intimidating," but I'm also very warm and giving, so if they say that in the future, it means the fact they can't control me is actually what's intimidating, and that's unhealthy. Hope this helps. I imagine guys do these things too, just have never experienced it from that side. I believe this is on topic with the thread because from studying and research after this horrible situation, I see lots of similarities between dumpers who tend to move on quickly to a new person and my ex. I am certain that my ex is not over me, but the reasons for it aren't any care she has for me or my wellbeing, but the lack of whatever she was sucking out of me, which is a big difference.
  12. Couldn't have said it better. My ex got short-circuited in her plans by the OM of 1 mo. breaking her email and finding out about me, her BF of ten months, so I got to see what you are talking about here in crystal focus. Neither of us had any idea of the other's existence. I truly believe that she would have held onto me until she could be certain of the new perch. What did I do wrong? Not a thing, it was all as you say, lack of self-control and integrity. She actually saved me from making a huge error, and thank goodness I only had ten months invested. This was a woman who frequently talked about marrying me...right up until the day she was busted, was sleeping with me at least a couple times a week, spending two or three days a week together, always laughing and affectionate, declaring undying love, calling/texting constantly... while at the same time starting up with another guy. I am not perfect, but am more than sure there was nothing inherently wrong with "us." All manner of supposedly pre-existing "reasons" for what she did poured forth after she was caught. "It just wasn't right from the beginning, you were my best friend and I couldn't take it to the next level, I never felt right about us." In the end, it was obviously just selfish impulse on her part. She went back and recreated history better than Stalin, saying the EXACT SAME THINGS about our relationship that ramsickle said in her post. Coincidence? Maybe... I certainly don't know ramsickle or what kind of person she is, but man her post was one eerie mother for me to read. This experience really toughened me up to see early red flags about what kind of women are worth my time going forward.
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