Father/Daughter when is it too much

[yellowcal]

An uncle of mine has a daughter who just turned 9, my uncle and her mom divorced 2 years ago and ever since he has been getting her on the weekends and a week out of the month plus every holiday that he can. He is a great dad but there are some things they do that make me question whether it's appropriate or not.

 

1st example - She has her own bedroom, they went all out and painted and fixed it up the way she wanted but she has never slept in her room instead she sleeps in his bed, even if she falls asleep in her room or in another room he will get her and move her to his bed. When they sleep together they "cuddle" all night (His own words..). -- My son is 4 and while he will still crawl into bed with me some nights he knows he has his own bed and needs to sleep in it--

 

2nd example - (Keep in mind shes 9 years old) he still takes a bath and/or shower with her and helps her if she takes a bath alone, he is in there with her the entire time and even goes as far as helping her wash her body. --once again, my 4 year old washes himself , except his hair--

 

3rd example - they are extremely "playful" as in they do the typical father/daughter stuff chasing each other around and all that but they go as far as to grab each others behind and squeeze and then laugh about it or she will sit on his lap and i've noticed her kinda rocking back and forth kinda grinding up on him and he just sits there and does nothing to make her stop.

 

there are a few other things but those are the biggest issues I have noticed and things that have really bothered me. I thought maybe I have been reading way too much into things but another family member brought it up to me tonight so I know i'm not the only one who notices these things.

 

My question is, How much of this is normal? I never had a close relationship with my father when I was younger so I don't know the "typical" father/daughter relationship thing but I do have a son of my own and I wouldn't ever do any of these things with him or wouldn't allow any of it because to me it's inappropriate.

 

Opinions?

[catfeeder]

Not good. She's way too old to be bathing with him and sleeping in his bed. Not sure how you might approach this, but it's harming that kid whether he's overtly sexual or not.

[jengh]

I don't know...it seems inappropriate to me. I had a fairly close relationship with my dad when I was little and he NEVER did any of that stuff. To me, it seems kind of creepy

[avman]

The biggest red flag for me is the showering together. That is absolutely not appropriate at her age. Some of the other stuff is maybe a little more gray but I would be deeply concerned about the showering together.

[yellowcal]

How do you go about approaching things like this?

 

My grandmother (Uncle's mom) thinks absolutely nothing is wrong with it so I can't go to her and have her say something. I just don't know what to say or how/who to say it to.

[laisla]

she'll be having her period soon in a few years, he should really stop doing those things. nine years old is way too old for that. i'd be concerned.

[caro33]

Let me get this straight- even if she falls asleep in her own bed, he moves her to his bed?

 

This may well not be sexual, but he sounds like he's trying to fill a hole in his life and the hole he is filling is more one of partner than of daughter. She never gets her own space, which to me is concerning.

 

Not to mention the showering together

[jengh]

How do you go about approaching things like this?

 

My grandmother (Uncle's mom) thinks absolutely nothing is wrong with it so I can't go to her and have her say something. I just don't know what to say or how/who to say it to.

 

Can you talk to the girl's mother? Ask her if he did these things while they were married?

[Seraphim]

The bath stuff is creepy..........The sleeping in the same bed is not so much, I know with my son with his developmental issues and sensory issues he spent more time in "a family bed and co sleeping" than many kids. But the bathing and sitting on his knee doing things like that not appropriate.

[avman]

How did you find out about all these things? Did he tell you?

[sophie274]

Do you suspect that the father is abusing her?

 

Unless you do, I personally don't think it's much of your business, and I don't think you should bring it up with him. I'm assuming the mother knows about this and is ok with it.

 

(I agree with the others that showering together is odd, and I agree with everything Caro said, but I'm just not sure you should say anything to him.)

[JadedStar]

Let me get this straight- even if she falls asleep in her own bed, he moves her to his bed?

 

This may well not be sexual, but he sounds like he's trying to fill a hole in his life and the hole he is filling is more one of partner than of daughter. She never gets her own space, which to me is concerning.

 

Not to mention the showering together

 

I agree. It might not be sexual but i think he is using her to fill a void in his life.

 

And yes, nine is too old for showering together. I stopped bathing my son when he was around five...and even then i wasn't washing him i was just helping him get the water going and such.

[HeartGoesOn]

This is disturbing.

 

This little girl will be developing in a few years, and how will that fly?

 

I can see your concern, and hopefully someone can come up with an answer or a solution.

[Seraphim]

I agree. It might not be sexual but i think he is using her to fill a void in his life.

 

And yes, nine is too old for showering together. I stopped bathing my son when he was around five...and even then i wasn't washing him i was just helping him get the water going and such.

 

Yes, when my son finally moved to his own bed for good I was bereft because he was missing and the closeness was gone. There were times I wanted to go and steal him back only because I missed him, but HE had made the decision he could be on his own and that was a GREAT acomplishment for him. So, it could be entirely non sexual, but just missing that closeness with your child.

[laisla]

about the rocking back and forth in his lap...kids sometimes do this and they don't even know that it's inappropriate. i've seen my niece and nephews get in weird funny positions, but that's only if i was thinking of a particular thing. it doesn't necessarily mean something is up sexually.

[yellowcal]

Let me get this straight- even if she falls asleep in her own bed, he moves her to his bed?

 

 

This is true.. My other cousin and I were over to his house awhile back and my baby cousin fell asleep in her room, in her bed and he moved her to his bed.

 

Can you talk to the girl's mother? Ask her if he did these things while they were married?

 

I don't have any way to contact the mother, I can try to find out where she lives or some other way but don't know how that will work out..

 

How did you find out about all these things? Did he tell you?

 

I have witnessed all of the above as well as him telling how she only sleeps in his bed he doesn't let her sleep in her bed (even though the rooms are right next to each other.) because he "doesn't like it".. them showering together he is always telling her that they need to get home because they both need a shower, thought nothing of it until they were staying at my grandmothers house and showered together each night the entire time they were there and the nights they didnt' shower together he was in the bathroom with her or would tell her to call him when she was done because he needed to wash her again to make sure she was clean .. She's 9, not 2..

 

Do you suspect that the father is abusing her?

 

Unless you do, I personally don't think it's much of your business, and I don't think you should bring it up with him. I'm assuming the mother knows about this and is ok with it.

 

(I agree with the others that showering together is odd, and I agree with everything Caro said, but I'm just not sure you should say anything to him.)

 

So when should something be said? Even though it's "weird" nothing should be said? I am not going to say he is abusing her because truth is, I really don't know. But who is really going to know except for the two of them. So you are saying if you saw suspicious behavior between a father and daughter (Or anyone really..) even if weren't 100% sure something bad was going on you wouldn't say anything? She is my baby cousin, it is my business. I keep her quite often and if something is going on I really don't want to just sit back and later on find out something bad happened to her and she is traumatized for life because of it. (I was raped when I was younger and still have problems to this day because of it.)

 

about the rocking back and forth in his lap...kids sometimes do this and they don't even know that it's inappropriate. i've seen my niece and nephews get in weird funny positions' date=' but that's only if i was thinking of a particular thing. it doesn't necessarily mean something is up sexually.[/quote']

 

 

Im not talking about just normal rocking back and forth as my son does that he will sit facing me and kinda bounce around in a playful manner.. It's not like that.. she is actually grinding onto his lap (Think what you would do with a bf/gf in a sexual manner) she isn't rocking or moving her body, just grinding her hips into him. I don't know maybe i'm just overly suspicious but these are things i'd NEVER do with my son or any other child.

[avman]

Truthfully, I'd call child protective services if I were you and report this. You have firsthand knowledge of this and I think there is more than enough to suspect possible sexual abuse. There are a lot of alarm bells going off in my head right now and I think somebody needs to be made aware.

[caro33]

It really does sound suspicious and you are right to be concerned. This behaviour cannot come to any good and will only be more problematic as she gets older. He is acting inappropriately, regardless of his intent.

[SpaceGray]

have you spoken to the daughter about what she thinks about all of it?

[FortunateOne]

Truthfully, I'd call child protective services if I were you and report this. You have firsthand knowledge of this and I think there is more than enough to suspect possible sexual abuse. There are a lot of alarm bells going off in my head right now and I think somebody needs to be made aware.

 

I 100% agree with this post. I can't see what's your location, but I hope you call the proper agencies to clear this issue up. Please think about the child. She may see the whole situation as innocent; yet, when she's older she will blame herself for why it happened. I know from personal experience when I was a preteen child. The consequences of my abusers haunted my self esteem up to the ripe age of 30 years old. Please call the authorities.

[rocio]

I agree with making an anonymous call to cps. That will prevent this from tearing your family apart.

[yellowcal]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

I plan on calling over to CPS and telling them about his actions and if they feel the need to investigate then I know they will do so.

 

I 100% agree with this post. I can't see what's your location, but I hope you call the proper agencies to clear this issue up. Please think about the child. She may see the whole situation as innocent; yet, when she's older she will blame herself for why it happened. I know from personal experience when I was a preteen child. The consequences of my abusers haunted my self esteem up to the ripe age of 30 years old. Please call the authorities.

 

definitely. I was raped when I was really young and still to this day even though i'm 21 it still haunts me nearly every day and just seeing his actions towards her just brings back so many bad memories and I feel so bad regardless of whether it's any sexual intent on his part or not.

[Qut81]

^^ I agree. Maybe before child protection services, you should sit her down alone and ask her if there is something going on. Make her feel comfortable taking with you about it.

I do not think it is normal, especially if he makes a point to go home, just to shower her? Something is not right.

[avman]

Honestly I would not sit the child down to talk about this. You have to be so careful with children when talking about this sort of thing. It's best to leave it to trained professionals in order to prevent the child from having to tell the story over and over again and put them through the experience. I think you know more than enough to make a report to cps and have it taken quite seriously.

[Qut81]

Honestly I would not sit the child down to talk about this. You have to be so careful with children when talking about this sort of thing. It's best to leave it to trained professionals in order to prevent the child from having to tell the story over and over again and put them through the experience. I think you know more than enough to make a report to cps and have it taken quite seriously.

I guess your right. My mom and family were very open talking with us and educating us about this sort of thing, so I didnt think anything of it.

 

I guess I felt it would be better since she is family and knows her better. Bc when child protective services become involved, sometimes they are placed in homes where the abuse continues.

 

However you go about it, I hope everything works out for your situation. This is a tough one.