Getting back together really does happen!

[sharky988]

Sorry to hear she's still reeling you back in. You deserve better!

[Boomshine]

These things ARE confusing.....

 

When a couple first gets together, there is no history generally speaking, and the love is "new" and "fresh"....the infatuation stage indeed....

 

As time goes on and dynamics shift and then the inevitable "breakup" occurs, there is generally a "one-down"(the dumpee) and a "one-up" (the dumper).......

 

After the breakup, if the dumpee handles it properly by letting go, not clinging, trying to "move-on", being positive as in my case....

There is a slight chance at reconcilliation.......

 

And there's an even better chance if they do some serious introspective to find out WHY this truly happened. My girlfriend and I broke up December of last year after 4.5 years. And after she did, I did some serious looking within to realize I had changed drastically. As in, I'd fallen into a depression. I went from being a spontaneous, fun-loving guy with places to be and faces to see, to being so madly in love with her that I threw ALL other focuses in my life out the window.

 

"Who needs sports and hobbies? I've got my best friend and lover!"

 

It took her breaking up with me to realize I was in a depression. I was dependent on her as my sole source of happiness. And when I lost that, it snapped me back into reality. It made me realize I should've had more in my life this entire time. That even with how happy she was making me while we were together, that I should've had my other sources of happiness in my life to keep me a stable and well-rounded individual. But I was so stubborn, and while I was falling into this depression, I had convinced myself that I was just growing up and this was who I was becoming. But no one should ever identify with a depressed version of themselves. Ever.

 

I think if a lot more people can think in that manner, turnarounds and reconnections could be more prevalent than they are. ESPECIALLY if guys stop trying all the stuff they show you in Hollywood. Professing your undying love to the woman who just broke up with you is NOT going to win her back. And we as a gender really have to stop doing that...

 

Problem is, now there is history.....uncertainties and questions on both sides......usually there is a short "re-infatuation" stage, but nothing like at the start of the relationship.

 

That'll happen. Trust is earned, especially after it's revoked. Give it time, and see if things get any easier. You sounds like you're doing great though!

 

I still can't figure my girl out and what she wants, but it's ok....I'm happy doin my own thing and although I'd like her to be more like she "used to be", this may not occur, and I'm ok with that......I can let go today if I need to and walk away knowing I TRIED!!

 

Somedays I'm tempted to tell her "THATS IT, I"M OUT!!", but I'm patient and feel like we invested 5 years together and I owe it to myself to see what ultimately happens.....

 

But I did the work, released her and moved on......she wanted back in and I let her, I can easily let her go again.....

 

 

I learned how to do it folks, you can too!!

 

peace!

 

It is what it is, man. The past is the past, and you gotta leave it there. She may just need to warm up to you again to become like what she "used to be," or she may not identify with that version of herself anymore. Keep us updated though! I really loved reading your story a few pages back, and I'd like to hear more about how things go! Cheers to you!

[LovesMusic]

It took her breaking up with me to realize I was in a depression. I was dependent on her as my sole source of happiness.

 

Man is that so this so true. The same happened to me and, of course, when your 'happiness' it taken from you (you get dumped), you tend to beg and plead for it back. Been there done that. Luckily, I have been able to figure this out as you have. I have re-connected with the person I was before we were together. I look at the person I became in the relationship and just can't believe I allowed my self to fall so far into the same 'depression' you refer to. I have cut out all of those bad habits and have re-established a confidence in myself that has been gone for a long time. Today, I can honestly say I am a better me. It sucks it had to happen the way it did, but the fact is it had to happen. I have goals and I'm actively pursuing them as well. I evaluated the way I handle my personal relationships and today I am a better friend, son, brother, etc. to the people in my life. If you were worth leaving at the time, a break up should be a wake up call for you.

[Boomshine]

Man is that so this so true. The same happened to me and, of course, when your 'happiness' it taken from you (you get dumped), you tend to beg and plead for it back. Been there done that. Luckily, I have been able to figure this out as you have. I have re-connected with the person I was before we were together. I look at the person I became in the relationship and just can't believe I allowed my self to fall so far into the same 'depression' you refer to.

 

YES, exactly!! THIS is the "success" that we need to be helping others seek and eventually find on these forums. I guarantee most of the situations people post about on this board about wanting to heal after a breakup or win an ex back could be resolved with guiding these souls in this direction. Hell, I only found these answers myself because after the breakup, I wanted nothing but to win her back, so I started reading eBooks on how to win an ex back and whatnot. And they laid it out crystal clear for me: It's never a 100% guarantee that you can, but if you have ANY chance of winning her back, it'll only be after you win YOURSELF back first. And truly do so. Not just a ruse or an act you put on, but truly and legitimately find yourself again.

 

So I did. And not for her, but for me. I was tired of being depressed. Tired of losing sleep. Tired of having no appetite though I was constantly starving. And tired of having her on my mind ALL the time. So I went out, and started working on me in all the ways that I needed to. And a month after I moved out, she got a hold of me, I asked her out for coffee, we started reconnecting, one thing led to another (only naturally, never forced), and it's been 7 months today that we've been back together.

 

I have cut out all of those bad habits and have re-established a confidence in myself that has been gone for a long time. Today, I can honestly say I am a better me. It sucks it had to happen the way it did, but the fact is it had to happen. I have goals and I'm actively pursuing them as well. I evaluated the way I handle my personal relationships and today I am a better friend, son, brother, etc. to the people in my life. If you were worth leaving at the time, a break up should be a wake up call for you.

 

And that's exactly what life is about. You gotta learn how to make the best of what cards you get dealt in life, because nothing we have is forever. Treasure the experiences, and use them to make yourself better. LM, I loved your post. Thank you. It put a huge smile on my face.

[Teebz]

Let me add my own story here. Me and my 'ex' separated in September last year. We've been back together for about two months now.

We never stopped loving eachother, always tried to stay in touch, no matter how many times it backfired horribly.

We did move on from eachother during the break up. I became more 'myself', and him as well. There was a long period of NC, about four months, honestly I lost track because I just stopped caring. By coincidence we got to talking again, and things took off from there. It has been bliss having him back in my life again, waking up next to him, being able to hold him again. I have learned a lot about myself, and the old relationship that was broken. I still feel the pain of the break up sometimes. Getting back together is not easy folks, and we struggle with this new relationship everyday, slowly building and getting used to it. But we have eachother back, and that just feels so damn good

[GSW]

@Boomshine I agree so much with what you've said.

 

I went through a breakup recently and had a lot of reality checks in the process. I realized the same things you did and that i basically had stopped making myself happy, stopped seeing my friends really and put all my happiness onto my ex. My situation is kind of strange, my ex hasn't responded to any attempts at contact ive made despite the fact that ive dont multiple periods of month long no contact. And im at the point with myself now where im basically emotionally exhausted. I realize my mistakes and have changed them but wish i had to chance to show those to my ex. She still contacts my mom regularly which is irritating considering she avoids me like the plague. But Ill just keep working on myself and whatever happens happens.

[LovesMusic]

LM, I loved your post. Thank you. It put a huge smile on my face.

 

Thanks! It is refreshing to see others, whom have successfully reconciled, have the same viewpoint on relationships as I have now. Whether or not my ex and I get back together is not the point anymore ( no we are not back together). The point is I have learned the right lessons and have taken the proper steps to being a better person. The next person I am with will be lucky for that. Looking forward to positive updates from you!

[Boomshine]

@Boomshine I agree so much with what you've said.

 

I went through a breakup recently and had a lot of reality checks in the process. I realized the same things you did and that i basically had stopped making myself happy, stopped seeing my friends really and put all my happiness onto my ex. My situation is kind of strange, my ex hasn't responded to any attempts at contact ive made despite the fact that ive dont multiple periods of month long no contact. And im at the point with myself now where im basically emotionally exhausted. I realize my mistakes and have changed them but wish i had to chance to show those to my ex. She still contacts my mom regularly which is irritating considering she avoids me like the plague. But Ill just keep working on myself and whatever happens happens.

 

Well, reconciling is never guaranteed, so I don't know if I'd considering it a strange situation so much. Let me put it to you this way: Not everyone is of the same mindset that I am, or that you are.

 

Personally, I'm of the idea that if two people have broken up, but have rectified their mistakes from yesteryear, and both are interested in it, then there's no harm in giving things another shot. Even if it winds up being a mistake and you two break up from it, there's always more to learn, so as long as you can always look at the positives from things, I don't see a harm at all.

 

However, there are other people on this forum and in life in general, who have a mindset along the lines of "An ex is an ex for a reason." As if that reason could have never been potentially identified and properly resolved. I agree that an ex is an ex for a reason, but I think to hold someone to that reason when they're displaying that they've learned from it is just ridiculous, to say the least.

 

The point I'm trying to get at is, your ex unfortunately may fall into the latter category. There are plenty of people in the world with a "One and done" mentality. Good people, bad people, caring people and selfish people, all alike in that regard. Or maybe she doesn't feel ready herself yet. Maybe she needs more work within herself to feel comfortable with the idea of being in contact with you again. At this point, it's all up in the air, so yeah, the best thing you can do is what you said in the last sentence: "But Ill just keep working on myself and whatever happens happens."

 

Not everyone comes around unfortunately. But if there's ANY chance of someone coming around, you're on the right path for it. By being you and doing your thing. It's what got you that girlfriend in the first place! You weren't living your life for her BEFORE you two got together, so you know that's not how you attracted her. Same case now! Be you, and see what you "lure" in.

[GSW]

Thanks for that reply, I wont post anymore Off topic because i dont want to clutter this wonderful thread.

 

I'm deffinitly not the person to be One and Done and my ex isn't either unless she's changed her thoughts on that (now that she is the dumper). I broke up with her 3 years ago because she had been taking me for granted, I didnt want to give her a chance because I had the mindset that people never truly change (despite the fact that she begged, promised etc). But i did love her and after 3 months i gave her the chance. She never took me for granted anymore and the next three years were great. Unforunatly this time around i made the mistakes and have no idea what she thinks because shes' chosen to shut me out completely. But thats beside the point i guess, and my only real option and the best option is to simply move on.

 

All i know for sure now is that if we're going to get back together it won't be now. She talks to my mom and from my understand she simply isn't ready to have me back in her life in any sort of fashion yet. (not because we had a big fallout or anything) I think it truly comes down to the time we were together and the fact that because it was such a long relationship it may take more time to cool off, i dont know what her thoughts are about me, but what ive learned from my reading and thanks to this website is that even if she loves me still, she isnt IN LOVE with me. And like people have said for the most part both people need to be completely moved on in order for a reconciliation to work. So for now im just going to continue to work on myself and let life work itself out eventually.

[TheHopeful]

I can add some stories, though they weren't exactly successful, the dumper came back.

 

A good friend I knew from college went out with this guy for about 2-3 years while in college. The guy would always flirt with women, and do shady stuff with others so the girl broke up with him at the end of that college year. During the summer I comforted her and we actually ended up going out shortly after classes started. This lasted a month. She dumped me, and it turns out she was doing things with her ex while we were dating. After that they got together but it didn't last long, maybe 4 months or so. I cut them out of my life so I'm not positive. I do know that they both found someone else who they are with today (so about 2-3) years.

[t1lersm0m1]

I've been reading this thread. I'm on page 75 and finally decided to post my story. You see, I'm getting a second chance, but it's not the one I want. Here's my story:

 

I was unhappily married for a long time. He was financially irresponsible and very immature. His father was verbally abusive to him and he always felt he had something to prove to his parents, and that controlled his life. I told him for years I wanted a divorce, but never left because I never thought I deseved better and feared the unknown. Finally before Christmas 2008 he told me he wanted a divorce. I won't tell you anymore of that story, because it doesn't matter.

 

I dated for a few years. I dated all jerks. People, listen to me when I say actions speak louder than words. I dated men who told me they loved me, but if I listened to my instincts and watched their actions, I would know all I needed to know.

 

Summer 2012 B comes into my life. He is old fashioned and respectful. He picks me up for dates, walks me to my door after dates, he waits for me to make the moves sexually. WOW...there are really great guys out in the world! And I deserve them! Unfortunately, I didn't know I deserved one. We dated for two months, when I pushed him away. I pushed him away, then I went CRAZY. I texted and called and begged and did everything. It was only a two month relationship, and boy did I go BONKERS. That's because I never realized how much I HATED myself. I truly didn't think I deserved the happiness he was brining me (of course I see it all in hindsight, but at the time, I couldn't control myself ). We broke up in August, I went nuts til September, he started ignoring me in September. I tricked him into texting me in January, and he said he would consider getting a coffee at some point in the future.

 

Late February 2013 E comes into my life. He is great just like B was, but in many ways EVEN better than B. We had some problems, but things were great. Then early June he is fighting with his oldest son and we dont' talk for four days. I send him a text about it, and he says "Haven't felt much like talking." I basically said this isn't fair to me, you live 45 minutes away and now i have to go DAYS without talking to you?" Long story short, we broke up on the phone crying. He admits he is not sure he is over his wife (they are separated 1.5 years now) and isn't ready. That's a Monday. He says he just wants "her" approval.

 

I contact B after E and I break up just to see how things are going. We chat about nothing important. Then five days later he texts and asks if we were flooded (we had heavy rains and he had moved away). B and I start texting daily. He is seeing someone but is not happy. He was the dumper, although I pushed him away first, and I reached out to him. So I said about us trying again, and he said OK, he had to break up with his gf. I said I'm going to TN 07/10 - 07/19, so that gives you a few weeks to break it off.

 

E and I have NC until Friday of the week we ended things when he texts "Just wanted to say hi. I got my approval for my surgery." (He had weight loss surgery July 10th).

 

I didn't text him back until Sunday, and it was rough at first, but then we fell into a friendship. He said on Sunday he wanted to "Keep the door open." I went to TN in July until the 19th, all the whle in contact, and when I came back we got back together. We had our second chance. Because I was getting a second chance with E,and cared more for him than B (he was more emotional, plus our relationship was more recent and lasted longer), I blew B off.

 

After E and I got back together, he was very guarded. He never said he loved me first, only said it in response to me saying it (the first time we dated he said it first, and always said how wonderful I was, how I brought him back to life and how I made him want to be a better man.) My instincts told me he still wasn't ready. I told him Labor Day weekend he was guarded, and he didn't think so, then I gave him examples, and he realized it. The Saturday of Labor Day weekend we went to a cookout, and on the drive home I realized I had to break up with him. I thought about it all day SUnday while we were together and I was a real B to him. Then Monday I decided to give it more time and everything was fine.

 

E was distant all that week. He didnt' call and text like he normally did. I went crazy Wednesday and blew up his phone asking why he was mad and what was wrong, why he was ignoring me. I did the same thing Friday. He broke up with me Friday (after I had acted crazy) and said thanks for the memories. I drove to his house, said he was going to look me in the eye. I drove there again Sunday and begged for another chance. I've contacted him three times since then.

 

In the meantime, after E broke up with me, I contacted B. He has been hesitating because of how I blew him off. I told him I'd like to explain in person. So B and I get a second chance, but the second chance I want is with E. We both have healing and work to do. As of now he won't talk to me or reply to me. I'm starting NC to heal and work on myself. I don't know what I'm going to do about B. He dated one woman after me. I just don't think I can be with him as he's completely unemotional, whereas E is emotional like me. I hope E works on his self confidence and getting over his wife. I plan on working on myself too as the relationship showed I still have issues. And I have something I didn't have last year after the break up with B, I have hope. Hope that someone even BETTER is out there. Each guy I date raises the bar for any future guys to come into my life.

[Crazyabouther]

I hope this happens to my ex and me. I miss her like crazy and love her beyond measure.. Hope she is missing me too! Love you baby!! X

[Juha]

Just broke up with my girl, she broke with me. Have no idea why, really. She is having a tough time and was not comfortable with how she felt about me. She lvoed me and her feelings were strong but could not deal with them. On top of her mother having cancer... Have a few thoughts but she seems to be all over the place and needs to mature some.

 

I am in nc and hoping we can reconnect some day as she is a very special person.

 

this post gives me some positive hope that it can happen. Unfortunately in my experience it has never happened for me or any of my friends, family, etc. have never heard of anyone getting back together after breaking up. Except in this forum.

 

I want to know where all this reconnecting is happening? and how?

[timeaftertime]

My ex and I (he's the reason I came to this forum) are talking about getting back together. It's kind of scary and it isn't for sure but please keep your fingers crossed for us! I love him a lot!

[surfjon]

I'm done for good......

 

Told her last Tuesday that I've had it....that I would never email, text or call her again.

 

I deactivated my facebook, deleted all her phone #'s and blocked her on email.

 

I told her if and when she realizes she made a mistake with her continued ambivalence and wanted to talk, don't bother.......

 

I've started dating again anyway and really don't miss her one bit.....

 

The way she was not there for me over the last 4 weeks, thru some really bad events, really reinforced that I don't need this girl and she could not care less about me......

 

REJECT THE REJECTOR!!!

 

I will never, ever let a girl back in my life if she dumps me....no second chances ever......this is my credo and new mantra....

 

No second chances.....

[timeaftertime]

Kinda funny for you to make that post in this thread

[t1lersm0m1]

Kinda funny for you to make that post in this thread

 

I agree 100%.

 

Still reading this thread. Although I haven't read it as much as I'm trying not to give myself false hope. My guy told me Saturday through text it's over for good (I broke NC, it's only a month since our split).

 

Anyway, I'm on page 99 and I hope for a reconciliation, but have to stop getting my hopes up.

 

I tell myself if a guy I was with for only two months last year decided to give it another shot after 10 months of being broken up, then the guy from this year is EVEN MORE likely to.

[Boomshine]

I'm done for good......

 

Told her last Tuesday that I've had it....that I would never email, text or call her again.

 

I deactivated my facebook, deleted all her phone #'s and blocked her on email.

 

I told her if and when she realizes she made a mistake with her continued ambivalence and wanted to talk, don't bother.......

 

I've started dating again anyway and really don't miss her one bit.....

 

The way she was not there for me over the last 4 weeks, thru some really bad events, really reinforced that I don't need this girl and she could not care less about me......

 

REJECT THE REJECTOR!!!

 

I will never, ever let a girl back in my life if she dumps me....no second chances ever......this is my credo and new mantra....

 

No second chances.....

 

 

Oh come on Jon, that's pretty harsh. So things didn't go right with this one girl. But just because you gave her a second chance and it didn't work out, you're going to deny anyone else, someone who will have no ties to this woman, even the consideration at a second chance?

 

That'd be like going into the DMV to take your practical driver exam, and just before you get up to take your test, the DMV announces they won't be giving any more practical exams at all because the last person just crashed, and so obviously everyone else they test is also going to crash, and ask you to leave without even giving you a chance.

[elsenyor]

Well to get this back on track:

 

Yesterday I went to the psychiatrist and she shared a story about one of her patients, she told me that this couple incidentally ran into each other after 8 years of not speaking to each other and reconnected.

 

Turns out they both wanted to get back together but neither of them wanted to take the first step in re-establishing contact and they both tell her how stupid and how much they regret not taking the step.

 

Go figure NC is a great tool to get yourself back but if you want the ex back it won't always work, sometimes you have to take that leap of faith regardless of them being the dumper.

 

According to her, hearing that definitive no after time has passed won't set you back as far as day 1 or anything near it. The worst has passed and a huge part of "acceptance" has been done when you're talking 6 months + after the break up. The definitive "no" may set you back another month or so but it also gives you certainty and no more what-ifs, it lets you take action based on facts and not assumptions.

 

She compared it to someone having cancer: lots of patients that are being diagnosed with it would rather know they have it than to be left not knowing, because yes all though it is bad news you can work off of it and know what direction to walk in.

 

So if you're still hoping for reconciliation after an extended period of time you need to see if their position has changed during that time, if it hasn't you know your answer and what you need to do, crush your hope and move on.

[bobowe]

For us boys and girls alike!

 

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” – Bob Marley

[mbee]

Here's a story I heard from my friend yesterday.

 

A man was married to his wife and they got divorced when he was 23/24. I'm not sure the reasons for the breakup but his family still hates this woman. She remarried and he remained single. 20 YEARS PASS!

 

She gets divorced and they reconnect via Facebook about a year ago. They exchange Facebook messages, eventually call each other, and just a few months ago she has moved into a house with him. They are back together and planning to remarry sometime next year. I'm not sure if this will last and his family is still wary of her for how she was 20 years ago, but goes to show that reconciliation can happen, even 2 decades later.

[Romaks]

I hope that one day I'll be sharing my story here. I've read every single post here and it helps.

 

It's nice to see some recurring themes in these relationships/reconciliations, so they give me some hope. The love of my life broke up with me because we're 'too young' and we both need to 'see what's out there' and so on.... but she ALSO said "I now know that I'll never find anyone that loves me as much as you did, but as difficult of a realization as that this, I know I made the right choice." Can anyone even explain that???

[t1lersm0m1]

Two stories I can add. Did anyone mention Nene and Greg Leeks (sp?)

 

Also....my cousin dated his gf in high school. She went away to college and he broke up with her. He met his wife, and was married. The ex gf would call his mom's house on his birthday and holidays (this was before cell phones were big, and him being married she didn't have his #). Well his wife thought the grass was greener and wanted a divorce. She threw him out. I don't know the whole story, but he got back in contact with his ex. They've been back together for several years now (maybe 6) and have a 1 year old daughter. I'm not sure if she dated anyone, but it was clear while he was married she was still interested and in love with my cousin.

 

My ex from last year and I are texting again. I'm surprised. I blew him off because my ex from this year and I got back together. But we broke up again, so my ex from last year and I are now texting. He ignored me last year from mid-September til January 2013. We were broken up 10 months when we started texting again in June.

[jemoeder]

i got back with my ex.. TWICE and were still together now. getting back together does happen however im kinda doubting if it was the right thing.

 

it takes a lot of work and forgiving to really make it work a second time around, what ever happened before.

[AE9876]

My ex came back more than once...

 

My ex (LDR) broke up with me after 3 years and (due to already owning great ebook for women by Bob Grant on this subject) I cut contact immediately with a view to doing so for 8 weeks. Just short of that time he got in touch with me and we got back together.

 

2 years later I broke up with him. And we parted on very bad terms. This was around October and we finally lost contact in early December and I had started dating someone else. 3-4 months later my ex was back in touch wanting to try again. I was seeing someone else but he stayed in touch.

 

I am now not seeing the new person (but would like to be - hence why I came on here.) but my original ex is still pursuing me and I have agreed to see him some more.

 

So not the traditional success story (yet) but proof that:

 

EXES CAN AND DO COME BACK even when you think it is really over

And this No Contact thing has stuff going for it.

 

Good Luck!

 

Female, 40s, divorced with kids