Boys Night Out / Your Opinion?

[ColorBlue]

Well I read her recent post on why he feels like he needs to have his night every week, but still. It's pretty shameful (to me) that he actually feels that his friend's opinions are more important than her opinion, and that he doesn't even consider compromising an option at all. Him staying out all night, not a problem. Never compromising about it? That's a problem. That's my viewpoint, I'm different though. There's a valley of distance between the importance friends and the importance of my girlfriend.

 

Compromise is necessary for a relationship when its reasonable. Clearly there's a big decision on what to do about this situation for your saraparra. You either learn to live with it and become fine with it, or you just leave him and find someone else. I don't see a point in trying to force someone into being something they aren't and don't want to be. Find someone who is actually what you want. I know you didn't know he was like this to the point you know now, but make that decision and try to be be firm in your decision.

[Blue Spiral]

Look, i don't write the rules, but I do know how mindsets are formed in many people.

 

I didn't know there were rules. And, again, why care about what "many people" think?

 

I totally disagree with you. Bottom line. Our behavior has EVERYTHING to do with maturity levels.

 

I wasn't trying to say that--I was trying to say that I don't see why his behavior is immature. Fulfilling your responsibilities and treating people well is being mature. As long as you can do that, whatever else you do is irrelevant, IMHO, regardless of how society perceives it. I don't care if it's barhopping or cliffjumping or playing video games or what.

 

Once upon a time, thirty was a watershed age. Thirty-year-old women were viewed as old, and god help them if they weren't married by then. Now, with extended lifespans, it's largely meaningless. There are immature people who get married and/or have kids at age twenty, and there are mature people who are single and leading active, non-relationship-based lives at age forty-five. And vice-versa, of course.

 

I'll be turning thirty next year. If someone tells me that I'm a "frat boy" because I want to watch college football for most of Saturday, instead of doing whatever I'm "supposed" to be doing (and who decided that, again?), I'll thwack them from accross the room with a nerf product of some sort.

[JadedStar]

Never said anyone had to care what people think. But that doesnt' mean the mindsets don't exist. I made it very clear in more than a few posts that a person should not have to worry about what people think but that doesnt mean the mindsets dont' exist and i brought them up only to make a few points. Since you are not reading all the posts this is all irrelevant. This is what happens when one or two posts are read and commented on. I can't recall one post here that said a guy who likes to watch football all of sartuday is a frat boy.

[Blue Spiral]

Actually, I've read all the posts, because I'm annoyingly comprehensive like that. The college football thing was just an example of another harmless activity.

[JadedStar]

Actually, I've read all the posts, because I'm annoyingly comprehensive like that. The college football thing was just an example of another harmless activity.

 

But it was not an analogous example since no one even made a comparison even close to that. That is why I inferred you did not read all of the posts.

[Blue Spiral]

But it was not an analogous example since no one even made a comparison even close to that. That is why I inferred you did not read all of the posts.

 

I think it is--barhopping and watching football all day are both things that could be construed as immature, but are ultimately harmless--but we'll have to agree to disagree.

[JadedStar]

I think it is--barhopping and watching football all day are both things that could be construed as immature, but are ultimately harmless--but we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

We'll agree to disagree then. The barhopping all NIGHT LONG is way more dangerous and has an irresponsible ring to it far more than watching a football game DURING THE DAY.

[blue69]

Looking back at the OP's questions:

"My question : How late is too late for a guy who is in a relationship to stay out with his friends? And how often is too often?"

 

That is entirely up to each individual and the state of the relationship. He makes a decision you either agree with it or not. He and you both deal with consequences of that decision.

 

"Am I being unreasonable to expect him to come home earlier than 5 in the morning or go out less frequently? "

 

No. Not unreasonable.

 

"Do girls out there let boyfriends go out until that late?"

 

A lot of people don't worry about these things. A lot do. Would this question be any different if it were husband, wife or girlfriend instead of boyfriend? I think some people are gravitating to the "let" them part of the question. He makes a decision. You decide you like that decision or not. If he wont change, you decide if you can deal with his decision.

 

"What are your opinions about this situation? "

 

Personally the main thing I was stating an opinion on was the way in which he responded to your concerns. Not the staying out late. It is his indifference to you that I focused on. So if all you are concerned with is his decision to stay out late, then you are probably going to have to let him figure that one out.

 

Varying degrees and opinions on this one. I think a lot of people saw this post as a controlling / telling someone what they could or couldn't do type situation. In a committed and serious relationship it isn't about making decisions for yourself. It is about taking your partners feelings into consideration. It didn't seem like the "boyfriend" really had any concerns for his partners feelings. Regardless if she is justified or not.

 

That indifference is what concerned me the most.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Yes, the p***whipped thing is the most problematic. This tells me he is more concerned about his buddies opinions of him than of his girlfriend's opinions of him, and also that he has some gender issues where he feels he shouldn't be 'dominated' by a woman (and inversely, that he should dominate her).

 

So will he take drugs when pressured by them because he is afraid of being called '****whipped? Or drive drunk? Or hit on other women? Or sleep with other women?

 

So he is saying that his friend's opinions of what he is doing is what he is really afraid of, and he will do things to prove he is not p***whipped to them. That is a slippery slope, and there is nothing she can do as a partner to deal with someone who feels his friend's opinions are more important than her opinion, or who will not stand up to his friends when it means something important to his partner.

 

So she's got several layers of problems here, and needs to decide whether she is willing to be with someone whose friends opinions carry more weight than her own, and whose friends set her desires up as opposition to their own.

 

I can say I'd have no trouble at all with a guy who wanted to go out with his buddies once a week as long as it didn't always involve staying out til 5 am, drugs, or drinking to drunkenness every time. But if a guy told me he intended to stay that way forever (like the OP's boyfriend did), i would wonder if i were going to be raising children all alone on weekends because he is off drunk half the weekend and sleeping the other half recovering from it or yelling or being impatient with the kids because he's got a pounding hangover from drinking all night.

 

I just wouldn't agree to that, and would find someone who didn't need to carouse like that to feel like a man. A *reasonalbe) night out having a few beers, or playing chess, or poker til midnight yes, but 5 am., no.

[DN]

I think part of the problem here is that you have made this into a confrontation and a tug of war. he now feels pulled between his friends and you. And as you say - the last time he chose a partner over his friends he ended up with neither. So once bitten, twice shy.

 

I notice that one of your concerns is that you feel your Saturday is wasted because he sleeps until the afternoon and I agree with melrich that would be annoying - but only if it meant that there was a reasonable alternative for him.

 

What would you like to do on Saturdays with him that you can't do now because he is sleeping? If it is something that he isn't particularly interested in doing then it will be much harder to convince him to give up something that he does enjoy to join you. He already spends much of his free time with you during the rest of the week. So it might work if you were to come up with what is essentially - a better offer.

 

People like to do what they enjoy doing and if they have to give it up for something that they will consider less enjoyable it causes a problem. Now many people would say "well, he should want to spend time with his girlfriend!". But he already does spend a lot of time with you and no matter how much he enjoys that people thrive on variety - a change of people, circumstance and so on. If their lives are the same all the time, even if it was and is enjoyable - it becomes stale and so they need something different.

 

I suggest you look for something to do on alternate Saturdays that interests you - and you know will interest him as well. Then go ahead and arrange it. Don't pressure him into accompanying you and make sure it really is something you like too - don't cheat and book his favourite activity because that would be manipulative.

 

Just tell him what it is you have arranged ahead of time and say, casually, "I am going to (insert activity) on Saturday - if you would like to join me I will be heading out about ten o'clock." If he declines, don't react - just go ahead and do it - ideally taking a friend with you instead of him - and let him spend the day alone. When you return, be happy and relaxed and let him see that you enjoyed the activity - and maybe he will wish he had gone along.

 

Try it and see if it works. Much better to offer a pleasant alternative than to try to coerce him into doing what you want.

[teknoise]

When i hear that people have to go out clubbing and stay out all night and don't want their partners there, i do wonder about drug use that might be hidden from their partners. It is very common these days for people to use meth and alcohol or coke and alcohol and a wide array of drugs in clubs. it's just part of the whole scene.

 

So it is always possible that someone who insists on this kind of weekly 'club' time has a habit they are hiding from the partner.

 

Most are using Meth, Cocaine, or pills in conjunction with the drink

 

 

Really? Meth? Where's this? Where I'm from people use the whole gamut of club drugs (E, ketamine, booze, coke) but meth is pretty taboo. Something only the complete sketchbags do.

 

maturity has nothing to do with how late someone stays out. If he's fulfilling his responsibilities and treating those around him well, who cares how he spends his private time? Am I the only one that misses the days of "mind your own business"?

 

EXACTLY! Well said.

 

I also think that today, all night clubbing is usually associated with both alcohol and drug use... most people with normal jobs just can't stay up til 5 a.m. like that all the time once they are over 25 as it is physically wearing, unless there are drugs and drink involved. If this was a once a month 5 a.m. thing i could see it, but not every week.

 

Most older people i know who insist on 'clubbing' like this every week have either alcohol or drug problems. Not saying that is the case here, but most adults with families just can't live that lifestyle consistently without trouble in the relationship or with work/health issues.

 

Huh? That's simply not true. Maybe my friends and I live in some bubble separated from cold reality, but we all get up early during the week to go to professional careers (marketing, advertising, management, graphic design, web design, network administration, just to name a few) but we can all stay up on weekends until past 5am. None of us have drug problems, job problems, family problems, or relationship problems that pertain to partying too much.

[JadedStar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JadedStar

Most are using Meth, Cocaine, or pills in conjunction with the drink

 

 

Really? Meth? Where's this? Where I'm from people use the whole gamut of club drugs (E, ketamine, booze, coke) but meth is pretty taboo. Something only the complete sketchbags do.

 

I WISH i could say that. There are more meth heads in the state i live in than you can shake a stick at.

[JeckyllNHyde]

i dont really agree most people who stay out that late have drug and drinking problems. they just like partying. some people are willing to go to work all tired and knackered in exchange for a night of clubbing which can be alot of fun.

 

if i where with a guy like this though who did it when he a 30ish.. i would hope he'd grow out of the fase of having boys nights out in clubs. unless it was really a once in a while thing. why can't they go other places where people don't go to hook up and drink all night.. just my opinion. maybe once i get to 30 my opinion will change..

 

my aunt loves going clubbing with her girl friends. she's so much fun. the husband stays home. he hates going. she does get hit on but isn;t one to flirt back or go further. which is cool.. i know most guys wouldn't want their wives/gf's going clubbing all the time while they stayed home.

if you're not ok with it, then i think you and your bf need to find a compromise. he should be willing to as well though. if he chooses clubbing over you, there's a problem and it says alot.

i was actually in his shoes. with my bf. i like clubbing, he doesn't. when it came down to it, i didnt want to lose him for something silly like clubbing. it's fun, but i wouldn't want to be without him in return for heavy drinking, dancing, loud music and getting hit on. we decided we'd go to clubs together if we want to go.

[Rose21]

Well I used to go to a rave.

 

I never did anything illegal. I dont drink, never touched a drug or cigerette, I just liked the dancing and conversing with people.

 

But I can tell you I was a RARE case. 99% of the people were on E or did some kind of drug there.

 

A regular night club, dance club, I think it is disrespectful for your boyfriend to go without you. I know the only reason I would go was when I was single.

 

Why on earth would a taken man want to go with his friends? They are just going to hit on girls.

 

If it was JUST a bar to have some drinks, that would be different. But most bars close at 2, so to think he'd be out til 5 am makes me wonder what ELSE he was doing.

 

Even though I dont drink, I could see myself hanging out with the girls at a nice resteraunt or bar, sipping some cocktails, but I wouldnt WANT to be out late. I'd want to be home by 1.

[JadedStar]

Yup, you were a rare case ! Most people at raves are definitely partaking in the drink AND drugs.

 

I have to disagree with you strongly tho by asking why would a man want to go out with his friends, won't they be hitting on girls. That is your insecurities talking. You still have some maturing to do if you think that a man or woman can't go out alone without wanting to 'hit on' the opposite sex.

[melrich]

maybe once i get to 30 my opinion will change..

 

LOL...I think it will...it's not that old!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Most people who say clubbing til 5 am. every week has 'no impact' on their job or home life are in their 20s. As you get older, you have family responsbilities that don't allow for all night clubbing, and an aging body just doesn't allow you to stay up all night doing drink and drugs and not have hit impact your work abilities.

 

And meth is everywhere these days... half of the young hollywood stars are meth addicts these days, because it lets them stay up for days without sleeping, and suppresses appetite so they stay stick slim. they take meth and a cocktail of other drugs to stay up and party, then drink and other depressents to come down off the meth.

[jcrisph]

Yup, you were a rare case ! Most people at raves are definitely partaking in the drink AND drugs.

 

I have to disagree with you strongly tho by asking why would a man want to go out with his friends, won't they be hitting on girls. That is your insecurities talking. You still have some maturing to do if you think that a man or woman can't go out alone without wanting to 'hit on' the opposite sex.

 

I agree with a lot of what you said.....

[Brokenhearted1607307810]

Well i dont really see a problem.

 

He goes out with his buddies, has a good time and comes home.

 

For me it boils down to trust. OP either trusts him or she doesnt.

 

If she doesnt like him coming in that late, then tell him to stay over at a friends house - problem solved.

[bulletproof]

As already stated, mature partners don't "let" their SO do something. There is no letting. You aren't his parent.

 

I disagree with the majority of the posts here. You say he does this once a week at most, sometimes once every two weeks. That's a max of four days a month. I don't think that's unreasonable.

 

You haven't really given a good reason as to why it matters what time he comes home. He's not asking you to stay up and wait for him. You say that you worry, but if you know he does this every time, and that your town's bars are open til 5 or 6, what exactly are you worried about?

 

You also say it upsets you because he sleeps late on the day after. Why don't you just go out and do your own thing in the morning? Why does he have to be with you, when you live together, you'll see him all day Sat. and Sat. night, and all day Sunday? And then all week?

 

I stayed out until 4:30 this morning. At age 37, on a Thursday, in a bar. I had no drinks (or drugs). I was just talking and catching up with friends. If I was in a serious relationship right now, and he had a problem with that, I would tell him to get lost. It's nobody's business what time I come home if I've simply been out socializing with my friends. I don't feel that I'm particularly immature.

 

If you have a problem with how much he drinks, or the fact that he said that lame thing about being whipped to his friends, that's a separate post. But in terms of what time someone should come home? That's up to the individual, not the individual's s.o., in my opinion.

[Rose21]

I'm not talking about hanging out with his friends.

 

I said I dont know why I taken man would want to go to a DANCE CLUB or a STRIP CLUB, Rave, etc.

 

All the guys at the rave I knew had gfs, unless they were with them, were ALWAYS cheating. Even when I was right beside my ex I had a guy pull me aside asking if I wanted to miss him around. With my (boyfriend of the time) right there!

[Ac143]

A Rave is alittle different then going out to a bar at the age of 30 with friends. I been to a few Raves myself when I was a teenager - they are just a bunch of young kids doing drugs, drinking, and dancing.

 

Going out to a bar with friends doesn't ALWAYS include drugs and drinking. Mostly drinking...BUT I still think when you live with someone you shouldnt be out till 5am every weekend. Just my opinion....

[Rose21]

A bar is fine.

 

But not a strip club or a dance club!

 

And not really for teens...I stopped going there when I met my boyfriend,but I was going there when I was with my ex and he was 23! 5 years older then me and it was stupid. Even his 30 year old roomate went, I got sick of it and he pract dragged me there every weekend to deal drugs and hang out with the little kids.

[lady00]

I've been out to dance clubs in groups of friends including taken guys and girls without their SOs and nothing happened. People do this all the time without cheating. I go out. My bf goes out. Separately. Same with all of my previous relationships.

[lady00]

I agree with this and with DN's points too.