Boys Night Out / Your Opinion?

[JadedStar]

I agree with this. I also agree with others on the maturity aspect. Getting smashed once a week isn't appealing at all. Sounds like he's stuck in the frat boy part of his life.

Is he mature in all other aspects?

 

 

 

That is exactly what I was thinking too when i touched on the immaturity. Once a week getting smashed is - IMO Mind you - a vrey young minded type of behavior.

 

Just my opinion folks!

 

As for why 5am would be a bother... isn't that really self explanatory? I think that it would be extremely rose colored glasses to think that staying out til 12am is exactly the same as staying out ALL night long. And like Batya, the getting smashed while doing it is the part that would grab me as negative the most. It is no secret that a smashed person's inhibitions can be knocked way down and how many times has someone heard the "OMG i can't believe I did that I was so drunk"? I would not want to be iwth someone where i always wondered when that might happen. Getting smashed that regularly would be such a turn off to me I doubt I could even stay with that person.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I don't think that he is ready to settle down yet, if you look at the practical side of it.

 

If he stays out til 5 a.m. one weekend night, that means he probably is hung over the entire weekend, sleeps til 2 in the afternoon the next day and won't feel like doing much due to the hangover. You also have him stumbling in drunk at 5 a.m. and waking you up.

 

So this pattern is more an indication with problem binge drinking, and a lifestyle that doesn't mesh well with family life. If you have kids and daddy is out drinking til 5 a.m. and not available all the next day due to sleeping or being hungover and cranky with the kids, you don't have an equal partner in the marriage because you will be taking care of the kids and on your own on weekends while he is out getting plastered and sleeping it off.

 

So you have to ask, do you want to live with someone who drinks/sleeps away/hungover most of the weekend every weekend? I would say it is unacceptable from that standpoint. If he wanted to stay out til a reasonable hour once a week and get sufficient sleep and not drink so much there is a hangover the next day, then that is reasonable, just like it is reasonable for you to spend one evening a week with your own friends.

 

But he is making choices that blow all of one night, and the next day too of the weekend, so this would get very old and unappealing quick. If this is who he really is and you want a normal family life and weekend activities, then this guy is not for you.

[DN]

Where did the OP say that he comes home drunk and hungover? It's perfectly possible to hang-out a bar, shoot some pool, watch a game or two on TV, talk, play video gamesor whatever without getting drunk, rowdy, cheat, get with strippers or anything else unsavoury. Why do people always leap to the worst possible conclusion when they don't really know what happens?

[JadedStar]

DN, she already stated he goes out drinking until 5am.

[DN]

But she didn't say he got drunk every time and there is a difference.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

DN, i have a job that requires me to be up all night sometimes and if i stay up til 5 a.m., even though i'm NOT drinking, i am totally wiped out the next day with no desire to do anything else the whole weekend. I sleep to catch up, and biorhythms are totally messed up so don't feel good.

 

Even if he doesn't drink, if he stays out til 5 a.m. once a week partying, odds are very good he's out of it most of the weekend recovering. I personally would not be with someone who dragged thru every weekend because he was out partying with the boys. I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to do that if he wants, but if that partying lifestyle is what he wants, and she doesn't like the effect of the partying on their life together, then he's not a good choice as a partner for her.

[DN]

I used to stay up reading until dawn when I was a young man. Prior to that, when I was in the Army, I could be up till dawn and still make first parade. And I also went three days and nights without any sleep at all. These days I can't do that but I could then.

 

It may be that the OP's boyfriend is getting up to all sorts of bad things when he is out with his buddies but unless there is evidence of that, to say he is immature and assume all sorts of bad behaviour, or lack of attention to his girlfriend, is a stretch and not necessarily true. Perhaps it is better to sometimes give people the benefit of the doubt and not always assume the worst.

[PixelPusher]

I haven't read all the posts but even in my "party days" (which weren't that wild) I NEVER stayed out that late. My outings with the boys usually entail an all-day mountain biking ride followed by a beer or two. I've never been a nightclub/bar hopper.

 

Some people are night-owls but personally, at 30-years old, it sounds like he needs to stop living like a college frat-boy and mature a bit.

[DN]

I see the word 'immature' being thrown around a lot on this thread and others. Why is that whenever someone does something that other people disagree with they so often resort to calling them 'immature'?

[Ac143]

I didnt read all the replies on here so Im not sure how everyone responded and sorry if I repeat anything but when I see these kind of posts I am so grateful my SO doesn't do this. I would be annoyed if my SO went out every weekend with is buddies and came home at 5am at the age of 30.

 

Sure he can go out with his buddies but until 5am EVERY weekend?? Thats alittle extreme, especially when you are in a relationship. I use to do this when I was single and in my early 20s. Im sure he is wiped out after those long nights out. What do you guys do the rest of the weekend together??

 

My SO and I go out probably once a month and stay out late and the whole weekend is shot after that cause of us being hung over or whatever. Which I hate doing now.

 

But to each their own..

[Tethys]

I used to stay up reading until dawn when I was a young man. Prior to that, when I was in the Army, I could be up till dawn and still make first parade. And I also went three days and nights without any sleep at all. These days I can't do that but I could then.

 

It may be that the OP's boyfriend is getting up to all sorts of bad things when he is out with his buddies but unless there is evidence of that, to say he is immature and assume all sorts of bad behaviour, or lack of attention to his girlfriend, is a stretch and not necessarily true. Perhaps it is better to sometimes give people the benefit of the doubt and not always assume the worst.

 

I have routinely stayed up all night reading, writing, what have you. I mostly work jobs that make me sleep during the day, and yes, it's a pain. This has NOTHING to do what the OP wrote.

 

Once I couldn't take it anymore and decided to leave. I packed my stuff and was ready to leave when he came home drunk. He wanted to talk things through, so I stayed that time. But I'm not sure if I can take this anymore.

 

He told me that as much as he loves me, he can't change his lifestyle. That's the way he is. That's how he and his buddies live life. He said if I can't understand this and decide to leave him, that's really sad and that's the price to pay, but he won't and doesn't want to change. So basically he said: Accept it or leave.

 

Please give me some thoughts on "How late is too late for a guy who is in a relationship to stay out with his friends? And how often is too often?" so I can see things from a different point of view before I make the final decision.

[PixelPusher]

I see the word 'immature' being thrown around a lot on this thread and others. Why is that whenever someone does something that other people disagree with they so often resort to calling them 'immature'?

 

Because the way this guy is acting is immature. Maturity is balancing your life with someone else and him going out with 'the boys' all night affects her. He needs his own time, but he is being selfish about it, too because he is out of it the whole next day. Doesn't sound very mature to me, but that's just my take on it.

[doityourself]

I say why not, I wouldnt want someone to tell me I had a curfew. I think sometimes we forget what role we should play in a relationship.

[Tethys]

Because the way this guy is acting is immature. Maturity is balancing your life with someone else and him going out with 'the boys' all night affects her. He needs his own time, but he is being selfish about it, too because he is out of it the whole next day. Doesn't sound very mature to me, but that's just my take on it.

 

I agree with you, Pixel. A 30-year-old man in a monogamous relationship does not need to be out partying until 5am at the bars. Period.

[Tethys]

I say why not, I wouldnt want someone to tell me I had a curfew. I think sometimes we forget what role we should play in a relationship.

 

It's not about having a "curfew." It's about having common sense and respect for your parner.

[Ac143]

And this whole thing about the OPs bf saying to her "take it or leave it" is pretty immature for a 30yr old man to say when he is in a relationship.

 

There are some issues in a relationship when you can justify a "take it or leave it" line but staying out until 5am every weekend with your buddies when it clearly bothers your SO is immature. Shows no kind of respect for the other persons feeling. Alittle compromising goes along way.

[JadedStar]

Dn, she said he goes out drinking until 5am. This is v ery different from reading all night. I do not know if even the Incredible Hulk could drink ALL night long without getting drunk.

 

No one is going to drink all night long without being drunk - bottomline. Even if they stagger it, you can't drink from 9pm to 5am without getting a good stiff buzz. And as others have stated even if by chance he wasn't drinking all night (which has already been established from the OP that he is) staying up all night long is going ot render someone pretty useless the next day as they recover.

 

You say we assume the worst. I disagree. I say that given the facts we have reached the most likely conclusion. I think often times you are assuming the best even when the information suggests strongly otherwise. Nothing here was stated by the OP to support he goes out playing bingo or is in a book club with the boys until 5am.

 

There is nothing wrong with being optimistic, but there is realistic optimism and unrealistic optimism,and at this point suggesting that he might be playing ping pong or reading until 5am is not realistic based on the FACTS that have been presented.

[JadedStar]

It's not about having a "curfew." It's about having common sense and respect for your parner.

 

Bingo.

 

And since he made it clear he isn't changing, the question to be answered by the OP is "can she continue to live iwth this, or not". If not, its time to find a new partner.

 

Dn, you asked why we are throwing around the word immature. Because we are going by the definition of immature that is:

 

having or showing emotional or intellectual development appropriate to someone younger/not behaving in a way which is as calm and wise as people expect from someone of your age

 

That is the Cambridge definition. I think that this thread shows enough proof that more people than not agree that a 30 year old man partying/drinking until 5am EVERY WEEK is not behaving in a manner that is consistent with most people his age or that one would reasonably expect from a person that age.

 

I'll bet twenty bucks that AnY psychologist who was asked if this behavior is consistent with a person of 30 plus who is settled down he/she would say no and that their emotional development might be a bit under the bar as compared to others in their age group. This is not a slam, it is what it is.

[Tethys]

Wow, Jaded. you nailed it. I completely agree with your assessment.

[tictactoe2006]

Me too. You have to respect your partner when you are in a relationship. It is not about being controlled. It is about being a grown-up and understanding that you are in a relationship.

[DN]

I belong to a theatre group and direct plays. We rehearse three nights a week and then perform seven shows. It's great fun and a good way to socialise. But essentially it's adults playing dress-up. But it isn't considered immature behaviour because it's 'creative' and 'artistic' and, after all, you know, Shakespeare did it.

 

Some people belong to sports teams and spend long hours practicing playing a game that more often or not involves putting an object into or through another object while other people try to stop it. It's great fun and a good way to socialise. But it isn't considered immature behaviour because it's 'healthy' and 'builds character' and, after all, you know, the top players get rich.

 

Some people belong to political parties and spend long hours debating their opponents and raising money. It's great fun and a good way to socialise. But it isn't considered immature behaviour because it's for the 'benefit of the country' and it's 'particpating in democracy' and, after all, you know, Honest Abe did it.

 

Some people belong to internet forums and dispense advice to all and sundry at odd hours of the day and night. It's great fun and a good way to socialise. But it isn't considered immature behaviour because it's 'useful and helpful' and after all, you know, it makes people feel all warm and fuzzy.

 

Some people go out to bars with their friends and spend long hours having a few beers, laughing, joking playing bar games and having a good time until the small hours. It's great fun and a good way to socialise. But that is considered immature behaviour because there's alcohol involved and there's no exercise or moral high ground to be gained and after all, you know, significant others complain.

[PixelPusher]

I would consider you immature in ANY of the above situations IF you didn't respect your partner and the relationship. See, this isn't about alcohol or the SITUATION it's about how he is treating his partner, the OP.

[DN]

But what about the way she is treating him? He is with her the vast majority of his free time but once a week, for a few hours, he is with his friends. And the only real reason that I have seen that people object to this is that he is out three hours or so later than some people think should be his curfew.

 

If she didn't object to the lateness of the hour - would that still be immature?

 

Is his immaturity the result of her objection or the lateness of the hour and the activity in which he is engaged?

[blue69]

Well it sounds like you already know your answer, you are just trying to get some validation.

 

I am more concerned about his unwillingness to change/ consider your feelings. "That's the way he is." is a cop out. The warning flags are already firing up inside your head.

 

It isn't necessarily the going out til early morning. It is his unwillingness to consider your feelings and make any changes.

 

P.S. Your request to not stay out til 5am is not unreasonable. His answer of not wanting to seem ******whipped in front of his friends is weak.

[Tethys]

I want to date the person who diverts their energies into:

 

1) the theatre group and Shakespeare

2) political folks who care about this next election in the US

3) those that take time out to dispense advice to those who need it on the Web, like, I don't know, a place like enotalone?

 

However, people who never read, watch too much TV, and go get drunk at the bars on a regular basis -- not interested in dating those folks. Sorry if that makes me sound 'elitist' or something. But, that's just me.