Boys Night Out / Your Opinion?

[PixelPusher]

DM... I've highlighted what I think are the important parts in the original post. I don't see anything wrong with the OP... she doesn't come accross as controlling or mean. She expressed how she just wants him to come home at a reasonable hour which is perfectly understandable in a committed relationship.

 

This guy is a bachelor, period. He wants a partner but doesn't want to give up his bachelor-lifestyle. And the fact that he doesn't want to be "P-whipped" and have his friends think he is a "loser" shows an incredible amount of immaturity. He is putting his friends lame opinions ahead of his partner's VERY reasonable wishes.

[DN]

It's once a week.

 

And reasonable is in the eye of the beholder.

 

It just amazes me that people who are quite happy that a woman should have a girl's night out once a week are so concerned because a man has a guy's night out that extends a few hours beyond what they consider reasonable. It's just a few hours.

 

If he was cheating or doing something morally reprehensible that would be a different issue. But all he seems to be doing wrong is staying out later than some people would like.

 

Who is to decide what hour is reasonable? The OP has one opinion - he has another. Why is hers more valid than his?

[Tethys]

Pixel,

 

Yes, she (the OP) should drop him because he is obviously not ready for a committed relationship.

 

There is nothing wrong with a man who wants to get drunk and party all night, but that doesn't sound like what she wants....

[Ac143]

Who is to decide what hour is reasonable? The OP has one opinion - he has another. Why is hers more valid than his?

 

 

They are in a relationship and live together so its a pretty serious relationship. Dont you think he should compromise a little bit with her since they have different views? And not just say "take it or leave it"

 

Isn't that what immature people do in relationships - compromise? That is "if" he has serious intentions for their relationship

[Tethys]

It's once a week.

 

And reasonable is in the eye of the beholder.

 

It just amazes me that people who are quite happy that a woman should have a girl's night out once a week are so concerned because a man has a guy's night out that extends a few hours beyond what they consider reasonable. It's just a few hours.

 

No, I don't think that's what we're talking about here. A "girl's night out" should not consist of partying until 5am either in a relationship.

[JadedStar]

It's once a week.

 

And reasonable is in the eye of the beholder.

It just amazes me that people who are quite happy that a woman should have a girl's night out once a week are so concerned because a man has a guy's night out that extends a few hours beyond what they consider reasonable. It's just a few hours.

 

If he was cheating or doing something morally reprehensible that would be a different issue. But all he seems to be doing wrong is staying out later than some people would like.

 

Who is to decide what hour is reasonable? The OP has one opinion - he has another. Why is hers more valid than his?

 

Who has stated that this same situation gender reversed would be ok? I missed that. I did not see anyone say that and the people who posted who post here often enough that I know who they are have never made those inferences either.

 

My math tells me that coming home at 5am vs 11pm is far more than a few hours. It's almost an entire work day difference.

[DN]

They are in a relationship and live together so its a pretty serious relationship. Dont you think he should compromise a little bit with her since they have different views? And not just say "take it or leave it"

 

Isn't that what immature people do in relationships - compromise?

I am all for compromise where compromise is called for. But compromise is very often exchanging one unreasonable demand for a slightly less unreasonable demand.

 

Let's be clear. The OP is fine with him having a boy's night out. She says he isn't cheating or doing anything wrong. She doesn't say he comes home drunk every time. What she is complaining about is him coming home at five a.m. because she finds that unreasonable but doesn't explain why she finds it so.

 

So where is the compromise - he should come home at four? - or three? What purpose would be served by such a compromise? Just to make her feel good while he feels like he is being controlled?

[JadedStar]

But what about the way she is treating him? He is with her the vast majority of his free time but once a week, for a few hours, he is with his friends. And the only real reason that I have seen that people object to this is that he is out three hours or so later than some people think should be his curfew.

 

If she didn't object to the lateness of the hour - would that still be immature?

 

Is his immaturity the result of her objection or the lateness of the hour and the activity in which he is engaged?

 

 

And I would say, and have said, that her asking should she LET him go out was immature as well. I am not sure where you are getting the notion that people who find him to be immature do not feel that a woman who does the same is not or that the OP herself is 100% mature. No one stated that. Words are being put into people's mouths.

 

But just because her behavior in thinking she can control what he does is immature does not solve her issue of not wanting her b/f to go out drinking every week til 5am.

 

If her b/f comes here and asks if her behavior is immature as in her demanding he not go out then I will address it with him. But he isn't here, she is, and she is the one asking for the advice.

[DN]

Well suppose he didn't want her to go clothes shopping with her friends every Saturday afternoon until 5 p.m. (assuming she wanted to) but said 4 p.m. would be OK. Would that be reasonable? Or would that be controlling?

[Tethys]

Well suppose he didn't want her to go clothes shopping with her friends every Saturday afternoon until 5 p.m. (assuming she wanted to) but said 4 p.m. would be OK. Would that be reasonable? Or would that be controlling?

 

Wow, how presumptuous. She's female so she obvious needs to go clothes shopping on a regular basis, eh? Why don't we say she needs to work or volunteer or write or review a play or whatever every Saturday at 4 or 5pm. What does this have to do with her partner getting drunk in a bar for five hours very late at night?

 

I think I am missing something.

[Ac143]

Going clothes shopping in the afternoon with someone - does not involve being out in the middle of the night with a bunch of drunk guys/girls (doing whatever). Its completely different and cant be compared.

 

If she went out with her friends and came home at 5am or later every weekend, Im sure everyone on this forum would be suggesting that she is cheating or doing whatever. I honestly dont believe the OP asked this question just because she wants him to come home at 2am instead of 5am. Looks more like she wanted to know if it was normal for a 30yr old MAN to do this every weekend and I believe there is something more to this story that she isn't saying.

 

That being said - I do not think a 30yr old man or woman in a relationship should be going out like this every weekend but that's just me, Im sure some of you have different opinions. And to make comments about his friends thinking he is ***** whipped just shows what kind of respect he has. Who cares what his friends say?? I mean cmon....this isn't an 18yr old kid we are talking about here...

[PixelPusher]

I think the point that is being missed here is that it's not about what time he comes home! His maturity doesn't rise and fall with how late he is out. What I find completely disrespectful and immature is his complete unwillingness to see her point of view AND that he is obviously putting his friends' "P-whipped" and "loser" opinions before his partners. THAT is immature and that's what I'm basing my opinion from.

[Tethys]

Ac143, I do agree with you. That behavior is not consistent with one (male OR female) who wants to be in a committed relationship. The OP should think long and hard on this. She should see her partner for what he is and explore what she will accept.

 

I apologize for my meanderings.

[DN]

What I am trying to point out is that both those activities are harmless in and of themselves. All that is at issue here is the time the OP's boyfriend comes home. But people seem to be concentrating on the fact that he is drinking in a bar and comes home later than the OP would like.

 

As for his friends thinking less of him. Of course they would. Just as females would tell a friend that her boyfriend was being abusive and controlling if he insisted that she come home at a time of his choosing and she obeyed him.

 

I believe the problem here is that too many people are assuming that because it is late and he has been to a bar that he is doing something immoral, illegal or unethical. And there is no evidence of that judging by what the OP has said so far.

 

Assuming he is not doing any of those three things then he has a right to decide for himself what time he comes home providing he is not causing his girlfriend unnecessary worry by coming home later than usual and not calling to let her know. But since this is consistent with his normal behaviour that should not be an issue.

 

The bottom line is that all that is happening here so far, unless the OP has missed something out, is that there is a dispute about what time he should come home and i believe that is for him to decide if he isn't doing anything wrong while he is out. It's his decision just as it would be hers under similar circumstances. Speculation about hangovers, time taken away from their time, etc. is just that - speculation.

[JadedStar]

Wow, how presumptuous. She's female so she obvious needs to go clothes shopping on a regular basis, eh? Why don't we say she needs to work or volunteer or write or review a play or whatever every Saturday at 4 or 5pm. What does this have to do with her partner getting drunk in a bar for five hours very late at night?

 

I think I am missing something.

 

To be honest you are very right. I feel we are being criticized for being unfair to the "guy" but yet the example given for the women is "clothes shopping".

 

At any rate, it has already been stated that it IS controlling for her to tell him what he is or is not allowed to do so I am not sure why that example about being forbade to go clothes shopping was brought up.

[DN]

Substitute 'fishing' then for clothes shopping. Or even drinking with friends.

 

The point is an activity with friends and the time an SO thinks it should end.

[JadedStar]

I think the point that is being missed here is that it's not about what time he comes home! His maturity doesn't rise and fall with how late he is out. What I find completely disrespectful and immature is his complete unwillingness to see her point of view AND that he is obviously putting his friends' "P-whipped" and "loser" opinions before his partners. THAT is immature and that's what I'm basing my opinion from.

 

Yes, I totally agree. The time out is being nitpicked when there are many other issues that posters continue to point out that is the real problem. The time coming in is but a small part of the big picture problem here.

[Ac143]

At age 30 (or 28 my age) I dont believe my friends would say Im being controlled if my SO wanted me to come home at a reasonable hour because 1. most of my friends are in relationships and we respect our relationships. 2. Its different when someone tells you need to be home at 3PM just because. That's controlling and I dont believe asking my SO to come home at a reasonable hour when he goes out to party is controlling. WHY? cause I dont want to be in bed worried sick until 5-6am wondering if he is ok and I wouldnt do it to him.

 

Hearing his friends reactions with the ***** whipped comment makes me think they are all immature and probably aren't even in relationships themselves. If he liked his lifestyle of going out till 5am every weekend he shouldnt have commited himself to a relationship because I dont know many relationships where either partner would be completely OK with this each and every weekend.

 

On the flip side she should have not involved herself with him if she didn't like his partying(unless he was different then). I just dont understand why he has to do this every weekend??? I really think there is something going on that isn't being said or maybe its not being said because she doesn't know its happening.

[melrich]

What I find completely disrespectful and immature is his complete unwillingness to see her point of view AND that he is obviously putting his friends' "P-whipped" and "loser" opinions before his partners.

 

No the point that is being missed here is that he has made it very clear to the OP that that is who he is and he is not going to change. The OP has lived with it for two years.

 

Is it immature...maybe. Is it wrong...that is just a value judgement, most would probably not put up with it. The point is, he has been upfront with her, he will be unhappy if he has to change his habits. Yes it may feel good for the OP to hear that a whole bunch of other people think it is not great behaviour but it matters little because she must make any decision on the relationship based on the reality of it. Not what other people think.

[JadedStar]

Again I totally agree. It should go wihtout saying that coming home at 3pm and staying out all night are not apples to apples. Not sure why it keeps coming up.

 

I would be worried to death trying to sleep at night knwoing my SO was off trapsing around at the bars drinking with a bunch of other guys who are likely immature themselves (yeah i will say that given the feedback I have gotten here from her) all night long. If anyone wants to compare that to a two hour shopping trip so be it, but at least don't act like it is even a fair comparison. It's like comparing a zebra to a gorilla. The only thing they have in common is they are both animals.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

I cant see what the problem is?

 

He's single, shes single (they haven't made marriage vows to behave in a certain manner)

 

hes a bachelor leading a bachelor lifestyle.

 

He seems quite happy with it, and also happy to have the OP at home to come home to. (And perhaps doing the cooking, cleaning up or whatever)

 

The OP is not wanting to be a bachelorette by the sound of it, so isnt interested in partying with her friends till 5am.

 

The OP is single, she doesn't have any obligation to stay and look after/care for a man who clearly doesnt give a monkeys stuff if she stays or goes (as he said himself if you dont like it you can leave), so she can do, and then she will be free and available to meet a nice man who treats her well and would want a reciprical relationship that didnt involve either of them being out till 5am which is what the OP wants.

 

It seems they have different goals thats all, but it doesnt make either of them a bad people IMO.. anyway, thats my two pence worth x

[melrich]

Yes HSE, the guts of what I was trying to say.

[JadedStar]

I totally agree and that is what the bulk of my posts were saying. She is free to decide if she can deal with his bachelor/party lifestyle .. or not.

 

It is a conflict of values. It will continue to be a problem. MOst people who have outgrown partying would be really uncomfortable in this type of relationship so she shouldn't feel bad if she decides she just can't deal with it. I would not want to be with someone who partied to that extent. I have no qualms in saying that. I'd tell him to call me when he grew up and MAYBE we'd talk. And this is my opinion and exactly what I would say to him if my SO stayed out every week all night long. I broke it off with people i dated in the past because they were into the party frat boy lifestyle and I didn't want to get past a few dates with them since it was not congruent with my own level of maturity. I have no prejudice against avid partiers but i have a vehement aversion to dating them.

[melrich]

MOst people who have outgrown partying would be really uncomfortable in this type of relationship so she shouldn't feel bad if she decides she just can't deal with it.

 

 

I agree but sometimes it is instructive to ask what is right, not what is wrong.

 

 

My boyfriend is 30, and I'm 26. We've been together for almost a year now and we live together happily. Except for one thing. He goes out on boys night out often and stay out until very late like 5 in the morning each time.

 

So the relationship is a year old...still reasonably early days, they are 26 and 30 so moving toward real commitment territory in the next year or two, they are happy together but for this one thing.

 

So what are the good things here and do they outweigh this one thing you are not happy with. Beacuse at the end of the day, that is how you need to assess whether this is something you are willing to compromise on or not.

 

Because in terms of what can go wrong in a relationship, or what you hate about a relationship, a regular late night out with the boys is probably at the milder end, in fact if you are going to date people in certain professions it's just about de rigeur.

 

So really we need to have some balance. What makes you so happy?

[teknoise]

My question : How late is too late for a guy who is in a relationship to stay out with his friends? And how often is too often?

 

My boyfriend is 30, and I'm 26. We've been together for almost a year now and we live together happily. Except for one thing. He goes out on boys night out often and stay out until very late like 5 in the morning each time.

 

Why does he need a curfew? What are you doing at 2am that is so important that he needs to be there with you? Let him have some fun, if its not every night and just an occasional thing, who cares.

 

Being controlling like that is going to push him away.

 

 

As for the immaturity comments, so what if he goes out late? If he holds down a job, pays the mortgage, and does everything else a normal 30 year old does, who cares if he goes out and has a little fun? I can understand why it loses its appeal over time. But if someone wants to be a little youthful on a friday night, and as long as its not destructive in any other areas of his life, then that is a good thing!

 

Speaking personally, me and the gf usually go out together, but when we don't, 5am would be fine. As long as we both go home at some point during the night/morning we are good. If one of us didn't show up till the next day there would be problems. But that's not a rules thing so much as a common courtesy.

 

 

And on a side note, bars open until 5 or 6am?!? Where's that? I wanna go there. Its 2am closing time here. There are some afterhours clubs, but they don't serve alcohol.