Boys Night Out / Your Opinion?

[JadedStar]

Because in terms of what can go wrong in a relationship, or what you hate about a relationship, a regular late night out with the boys is probably at the milder end, in fact if you are going to date people in certain professions it's just about de rigeur.

 

What professions are you referring to that would make an all nighter for people over 30 kind of the norm? I hang around with a professional crowd, ages from about 28 to 50. Varying professions - attorneys, sales managers, finance folks, etc. There are about two in the entire group that think partying all night long is cool and suffice it to say they are the two that everyone in the group refers to as having "peter pan syndrome". They are told this to their face, it's not even gossip. And they basically agree that they just can't seem to grow up and they are almost 40. They are inveritable frat boys, and they are well aware of it. And neither have ever been married. Even the late 20 somethings in our group find the behavior really irresponsible. My SO and I have talked about this about how alarming it is that a few of them think that the stories of "who got the drunkest and rowdiest" over the weekend are pretty childish. It looks foolish when you are no longer in your 20s. And that might not seem "fair" but it is what it is, that is how it looks to other people. I am not saying that others opinions should sway a person but if the opinion is coming from one's SO, then its a problem.

 

Just sayin.

 

And I am not sayin that going out and having a good time with the "boys" or the "girls" or even with a mix is wrong. It's always fun to let one's hair down sometimes. I'm just saying that doing it very often, getting hammered, and staying out all night gets people a pretty unsavory reputation when they are past the age of 30. Not to mention i wonder if amphetimines play a part because most guys at the age of 30 do not have the stamina to stay up ALL night drinking without "help". Not saying he is, saying I am just wondering if he is.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I also think that today, all night clubbing is usually associated with both alcohol and drug use... most people with normal jobs just can't stay up til 5 a.m. like that all the time once they are over 25 as it is physically wearing, unless there are drugs and drink involved. If this was a once a month 5 a.m. thing i could see it, but not every week.

 

Most older people i know who insist on 'clubbing' like this every week have either alcohol or drug problems. Not saying that is the case here, but most adults with families just can't live that lifestyle consistently without trouble in the relationship or with work/health issues.

 

So to me, it's a red flag. To others, they may not think that, but that is my experience with people who insist on clubbing past the mid to late 20s.

[JadedStar]

I also think that today, all night clubbing is usually associated with both alcohol and drug use... most people with normal jobs just can't stay up til 5 a.m. like that all the time once they are over 25 as it is physically wearing, unless there are drugs and drink involved. If this was a once a month 5 a.m. thing i could see it, but not every week.

Most older people i know who insist on 'clubbing' like this every week have either alcohol or drug problems. Not saying that is the case here, but most adults with families just can't live that lifestyle consistently without trouble in the relationship or with work/health issues.

 

So to me, it's a red flag. To others, they may not think that, but that is my experience with people who insist on clubbing past the mid to late 20s.

 

Wow Bestrong. Did you read my mind? LOL I just added something almost identical to this in my last post!

 

I totally agree with you - that has also been my experience with "clubbers" past the age of 30. Most are using Meth, Cocaine, or pills in conjunction with the drink and that is how they stay up all night. Like you I am not saying the guy in question IS doing that, but I am saying if that were my SO i'd be really worried that something like that might be going on. I know a lot of guys at the age of 30 adn those with rigorous work schedules konk out at aobut midnight and most can't even stay up that long.

 

Again, this is not an accusation. This is giving the OP some things to consider since she reached out for some help with this issue. No one is touting this as fact.

[melrich]

Musicians and chefs come immediately to mind.

 

My wife was married to a musician before me. He'd do gigs till midnight then be out with the band till 6 am 4 nights a week. They are just so high after a performace they can't sleep anyway. I have friends who are chefs, similar, they need to burn off the adrenaline before going home to bed and there is nothing a chef likes more than a few beers and a chat with other chefs late into the night, they have their own venues.

 

I am sure there are many others. My sister was married (briefly) to a guy who worked in corporate finance. It was very usual for them to work until 11pm-12am (especially when there was a big corporate takeover or IPO in the wind) then get out and hit the town to unwind.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

When i hear that people have to go out clubbing and stay out all night and don't want their partners there, i do wonder about drug use that might be hidden from their partners. It is very common these days for people to use meth and alcohol or coke and alcohol and a wide array of drugs in clubs. it's just part of the whole scene.

 

So it is always possible that someone who insists on this kind of weekly 'club' time has a habit they are hiding from the partner.

[JadedStar]

I would be curious at this point to know the OP's b/fs occupation.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

But if someone's profession requires them to stay up late they have a rotated schedule and that is totally different than someone who works a weekday job then parties all night on weekends...

 

For a chef or musician, 5 a.m. is like 9 p.m. to someone working a daytime job.

[melrich]

But if someone's profession requires them to stay up late they have a rotated schedule and that is totally different than someone who works a weekday job then parties all night on weekends...

 

It's not really the point I am trying to make and to an extent I agree with DN, the specifics of time are not that meaningful.

 

My point is, the OP's b/f has told her this is a non-negotiable. He's been quite upfront about it. So she needs to make her decision about this relationship based on this is how it is going to continue. So weigh up what is good....balance it against what is bad (and put some perspective around it....plenty of people will do long periods of time away from their loved ones)...and see if it is a dealbreaker for her.

 

If there are drugs involved or other matters that are beyond just going out very late with his mates then she has to factor all that in too.

 

Just keep some perspective around things.

[Rose21]

My boyfriend has his guys night outs. But they are rare, because he studies so much and is busy.

 

He deosn't drink though, he hates the taste of alcohol and never will, and he has no female friends. The last time he went out was like 2 weekends ago on an all guy camping trip. They played a long game of polker and he was up until 3 am. Not out drinking/clubbing, and he was exausted the next day. Slept it away.

 

I dont know why your boyfriend would want to go clubbing without you or want to stay up that late.

 

Most of the time when my boyfriend goes out its just to about 1 am. And its in the dorm, or at his fraternity house.

 

For me, I was always the clubber. The raver. He had never been to a club until I took him once. He hated it, and now I no longer go back.

 

I dont think its appropriate either. You know parading around in a bikini top and jeans sporting a raver name "Roxy" lol.

[Blue Spiral]

I'm just saying that doing it very often, getting hammered, and staying out all night gets people a pretty unsavory reputation when they are past the age of 30.

 

I feel like I've been teleported back to Victorian England or the '50s, where 30 is a magical cut-off for being Really Old and everyone lives in fear of prim-and-proper condescension. Was there a vote where everyone decided what is and isn't "common sense" and "immature?" If so, I missed it.

 

I have trouble seeing why anyone should live their life based on what others think, as opposed to living it the way they want. I'm not a party-animal in the least, but maturity has nothing to do with how late someone stays out. If he's fulfilling his responsibilities and treating those around him well, who cares how he spends his private time? Am I the only one that misses the days of "mind your own business"?

 

This kind of thread makes me glad I'm single...

[jcrisph]

I feel like I've been teleported back to Victorian England or the '50s, where 30 is a magical cut-off for being Really Old and everyone lives in fear of prim-and-proper condescension. Was there a vote where everyone decided what is and isn't "common sense" and "immature?" If so, I missed it.

 

I have trouble seeing why anyone should live their life based on what others think, as opposed to living it the way they want. I'm not a party-animal in the least, but maturity has nothing to do with how late someone stays out. If he's fulfilling his responsibilities and treating those around him well, who cares how he spends his private time? Am I the only one that misses the days of "mind your own business"?

 

This kind of thread makes me glad I'm single...

i was thinking the same thing

[sarapara]

As far as the 5am it would bother me if he and I were supposed to spend the next day together and not only would he be hungover, he'd probably sleep till mid afternoon and kill half of our day together.

 

I also don't understand where the "boys night out" has to be synonymous with bars and drinking - for example my bf goes out with his guy friends to ball games, to do karaoke, out for dinner, kayaking, etc. Alcohol is not a focus of the evening and no one gets drunk.

 

He doesn't come home completely drunk, but he always sleep until mid afternoon, and I don't like it. It feels like I'm wasting my saturday morning unless I sleep in too.

[sarapara]

I agree with this. I also agree with others on the maturity aspect. Getting smashed once a week isn't appealing at all. Sounds like he's stuck in the frat boy part of his life.

 

Is he mature in all other aspects?

 

I guess I could say he's mature in other aspects. He's serious about his career, very kind, and very tolerant. But when it comes to night out with buddies, like you said, he acts like he's still a college kid.

[ProtestTheHero]

Every week me and my dad get home at 6 AM on Saturday after a night of poker. He's been doing it for over 20 years, and yes he drinks throughout playing. My mom didn't care because it's only once a week, and it's not like he's cheating on her or doing something crazy.

 

He's also one of the most mature people I know, and works as a controller/accountant. I'm impressed that so many people can assume all this stuff just from the first post. Divination is pretty awesome. If my mom would have asked him to stop, he would have without a doubt left her because of how unreasonable that request is.

 

None of you (myself included) know this guy, other than the OP. The OP will also tell HER side of the story.

 

I agree with DN. What's so wrong about the time? Is it that he's drinking? I don't get it. Damn, if this is the stuff that can get you into trouble, stay single brothers.

 

"Mature in all other aspects, but once a week acts like a college kid for a few hours." In all honesty, he sounds like a keeper to me. I'd be interesting to see what his reaction would be if you recommended karoake instead, lol.

[sharsachan]

And on a side note, bars open until 5 or 6am?!? Where's that? I wanna go there. Its 2am closing time here. There are some afterhours clubs, but they don't serve alcohol.

 

 

lol. in my town [all of nevada, really] we have a lot of 24 hour bars. and [i've been told this is a novelty] you can buy alcohol at the grocery store. any day of the week. any time of the day.

 

to the OP: i think it's a bit unreasonable for him to stay so late, and it's unreasonable for you to give him a curfew. it sounds as though he's been doing this since before you met.

 

if he has, it's unfair to give him the impression you don't mind it and then to turn around and tell him he has to change. that's my opinion. and it's unfair of him to not at least take your feelings into consideration. both sides have issues here it seems to me.

[Batya33]

I apologize if this question was asked and answered - I would want to know if this has been his habit since the time the OP met her bf - did she know what she was getting into?

[sarapara]

Yeah, what's the difference between 2 am and 5 am? I don't know. Not very logical, I know. The possible reason why I think 5 am isn't acceptable is, I have never had boyfriends who thought this behavior was acceptable. I was really confused because I have never had this problem in the past relationships. When they went out, they came home 1 am or so so they didn't leave me wondering / worrying their whereabouts. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or he's being disrespectful. So I wanted to know what you think of this matter and what's norm for people in the relationship. If I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill, maybe I can be a bit more understanding.

 

When we started dating him, we met either Friday or Saturday night after work during week days. I knew he was hanging out with his buddies when we weren't together but didn't know he always stayed up that late. As we didn't see each other that often at first, he would include me in his night outs more often back then. But now we live together, he feels like he needs to go out and do his own things without me sometimes. He calls it "bonding". Otherwise, we would get bored, he said. No matter what he says to justify his behavior, being p-whipped or loser, or being unhappy or bored, I think he just wants to go out with his friends and talk bull * * * * over drinks. I guess it's sheer happy time for him. But there's another reason why he thinks he needs to spend time with his buddies too. He lost many friends when he was in the past relationship, because his ex didn't let him have "bonding" time with them. When his ex broke up, he was left with nothing, just a broke heart, he said. That's one of the reasons he thinks it's very important for him to keep his social life, keep up with the night life with his buddies.

 

He thinks, as long as he stays faithful to me, his staying up until whenever he wants to should be fine. His friends, none of them is in a committed relationship (some of them are in relationships, but they are casual relationships). So they always want to go out and stay up late. We live really close to a party district, so lots of people party and stay up late, that's really normal here. So he argues "Everyone else is doing it"" His friends go out both friday and saturday nights, but he keeps his night out with them to once a week or sometimes once in two weeks. I'm thinking "Why can he not compromise a little and come home a bit earlier?", but from his point of view, he says he's compromising because he doesn't go out as often as he used to or wants to to be with me.

 

The difference in our common sense and values is, a problem, I think. I wouldn't do things my partner didn't like me to, but obviously he doesn't feel the same. I feel like we are not standing on the same ground.

 

The last time I said I was leaving, he "Are you leaving because of just that? Just one thing! We have good things everywhere else." Like I said in the previous post, I don't have any complaints other than staying up until 5 am part. I could accept it or ignore it, but I would feel bad. So I told him that I think if he wants to continue his college frat boy life like the way his friends do, then I think he'll be in a relationship with someone who doesn't mind. Then he'll be able to do whatever he wants to do without restriction. And I don't wanna feel like a demanding needy girlfriend either. But he thinks I'm not understanding and being selfish.

[melrich]

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or he's being disrespectful. So I wanted to know what you think of this matter and what's norm for people in the relationship. If I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill, maybe I can be a bit more understanding.

 

There is a fine line between being the fun brake and being the door mat.

 

To me, the thing I would be angry about is more that he sleeps all day Saturday. I think the consensus of opinion would be that 5am once a week is excessive but you are the one who has to live with it or otherwise.

[JadedStar]

I feel like I've been teleported back to Victorian England or the '50s, where 30 is a magical cut-off for being Really Old and everyone lives in fear of prim-and-proper condescension. Was there a vote where everyone decided what is and isn't "common sense" and "immature?" If so, I missed it.

 

I have trouble seeing why anyone should live their life based on what others think, as opposed to living it the way they want. I'm not a party-animal in the least, but maturity has nothing to do with how late someone stays out. If he's fulfilling his responsibilities and treating those around him well, who cares how he spends his private time? Am I the only one that misses the days of "mind your own business"?

 

This kind of thread makes me glad I'm single...

 

This has nothing to do with prim and proper. I can assure you I am not even close to prim or proper! But if you don't think that people can get bad reputations then perhaps you dont' live in the millennium! Being a barfly is "cute" when you are 21. People view it as someone getting out the testerone, it is far more tolerated. When you are 31 and up that is when the barfly connotation can conjure up some embarrassment. Look, i don't write the rules, but I do know how mindsets are formed in many people.

 

I totally disagree with you. Bottom line. Our behavior has EVERYTHING to do with maturity levels.

 

Mind your own business does not work well when you are in a partnership/relationship. If you have that mindset, yes it is good that you are single.

[JadedStar]

No one assumed anything from the first post. Subsequent posts lent to different facts.

 

I love how people bring up these ridiculous comparisons to being drunk all night and singing karaoke and playing chess.

 

Come on, let's have a sense of reality here.

 

As for your dad, I do find it different a guy playing poker vs a guy hanging out in a bar with friends who call him ***** whipped if he says he respects his g/f. If your dad wanted to skip a night beacuse his wife really wanted to do something different on poker night, and he was too afraid to tell the guys as he would look ****whipped, then I'd call your dad immature as well. I am going to assume he'd never do that, just a hunch.

 

I can't understand how some fail to see the immaturity of that. It is not just ONE thing people that lends us to say "immaturity". It is a series of things that the OP has revealed in several threads.

[JadedStar]

To be honest i would also be uncomfortable with an SO who came home drunk at 2am every weekend consistently.

 

I find people who go to bars to get drunk a total turn off. If i am not living with them or dating them then they can do what they want, but I just can't find a person like that attractive enough to get intimate with. A once in a while tihng is no big deal to me. It would be the EVERY friday night doing it that would make me a bit nauseous and the comments about being **** whipped. That is SUCH a little boy statement! I cannot believe how people are slamming those who called this man immature but totally are overlooking thta comment as if we are not using that in our assessment!

[sparkles4]

You're his girlfriend, not his mother. You shouldn't have to impose a curfew on his nights out. Doing this will only make him feel restricted and cause him to resent you. If he isn't cheating/waking you up/being nasty to you when drunk, I don't see the problem with this. The guy just seems like he knows how to have fun. I hope that by the time I get to be 30, I can meet a guy my age who isn't afraid to party.

[JadedStar]

You're his girlfriend, not his mother. You shouldn't have to impose a curfew on his nights out. Doing this will only make him feel restricted and cause him to resent you. If he isn't cheating/waking you up/being nasty to you when drunk, I don't see the problem with this. The guy just seems like he knows how to have fun. I hope that by the time I get to be 30, I can meet a guy my age who isn't afraid to party.

 

That is the entire crux of the argument many presented. The OP is not 30 and still yet has a different idea of what is fun, apparently. IT doesn't make her wrong or a stick in the mud. She has stated over and over again she has no issues with a boys night out. If you read all of her posts there are other issues she is taking an affront to.

 

And most people don't have to stay out all night to have fun. Just sayin.

[Cognitive_Canine]

The thing that really bothers me is the "p***** whipped" comment......

 

He is fearful of how he comes accross to his friends and that's the reason why he chooses to go out once a week and get drunk.

 

I've never had to deal with that in my bf nor in any of my other ones.

 

I usually find myself encouraging my bf to hang with his friends...

[JadedStar]

The thing that really bothers me is the "p***** whipped" comment......

 

Yeah me too and it is that comment that propelled many of my comments even more so than the hour in which he stays out.