What are your thoughts on moving in together before marriage?

[Siriana]

I would never get married before i lived with someone.

[Celadon]

This is an interesting thread (and long, I just read through it all!). I guess I'm left wondering something ... for those who believe living together involves just as much commitment as marriage, why not just get married? (Assuming you believe in marriage and do want to be married someday.) A related question is, say you've been living together for 3 years, what is it that makes you say, "Now we want to get married"?

 

On some gut level, it seems like living together would offer me a greater chance to back out without too many complications. I think someone said she thought there is "murkiness" associated with living together. To me, that's the murky part -- the uncertainty over whether this relationship will progress to marriage. Also, being *that* close and then breaking up would devastate me. Personally, I wouldn't be able to handle it. Breaking up with a guy I didn't even live with was hard enough! Just my two cents.

[Angel_baby]

To answer your question, for me it was just being ready mentally. Even though we were committed to each other marriage kind of finalizes it in the sense that we are ready to be with each other for the long haul and work through life's difficulties.

 

And yes you are right, if things aren't working out between the couple it is best to "back out". If they were married and things weren't working out like they "thought" it would then they would have to go through the stress and cost of a divorce.

 

Breaking up is devastating no matter what. But when both people know that they aren't meant to be, it is better to break up then to have to be miserable with each other for years till they just hate and despise each other.

[Dako]

The poll question implies that marriage may be the next step after living together. I never intend to marry, but see living together as the same thing. People remain together because they want to.

[terk2021]

We had a wedding date set 4 months after we moved into the house. Basically, she was having her cake, and eating it too. I bought her her dream house. I was doing it for the person that was about to be my wife, not just to live together. I asked her to move out until she figured out what she truly wanted.

 

Well, best move I ever made, and her name was not going to be on this house until her last name was the same as mine.

 

Proceed with caution if it's a house, or an apartment with "both" your names on it. I have seen this blow up too many times...

 

Hope this helps.

 

Terk

[RayKay]

We had a wedding date set 4 months after we moved into the house. Basically, she was having her cake, and eating it too. I bought her her dream house. I was doing it for the person that was about to be my wife, not just to live together. I asked her to move out until she figured out what she truly wanted.

 

Well, best move I ever made, and her name was not going to be on this house until her last name was the same as mine.

 

Proceed with caution if it's a house, or an apartment with "both" your names on it. I have seen this blow up too many times...

 

Hope this helps.

 

Terk

 

Interesting, so I guess my question than Terk is would you rather have found this out before you married, or after?

 

Seems to me you also belong in that group that Annie mentioned - those whom would not move in until a wedding date was set.....

 

See, I guess for me, that story is one that I would see as showing you don't know a person until you live with them, and for me is another reason for me to say I would live together first because when I say "I do" I want to KNOW them and know I am saying I do to whom they REALLY are.

 

That would of still been pretty horrible to find out though!

[RayKay]

Well, for us, we HAVE been living together for three years. The reasons we have not gotten married mostly relate to my student loan situation as they will not give me student loans if I was married, and we simply could not afford for me to go to school if I could not get them. That does not mean we won't in the future. I just don't see marriage for US as this "point" where our lives together started, since they started years ago! So is there less "motivation" to do it? Maybe, but I don't want someone to marry just because they are more "motivated" too, I want them to marry me as they can say "yes, I do know that I can accept you as you are, love you as you are (instead of just "thinking" they can), and hey let's make that public to our friends and family".

 

Anyway, why not just get married instead of living together? Because as I had said earlier, I would not get married to someone until I could say "yes, I really DO know you and yes, we really CAN do this for the rest of our lives".

 

I moved in with him (and he me) because we both said "we really want to do this for the rest of our lives" but let us not rush it, let us live together and find out if we can TRULY live together first. The truth is yes it IS a bit easier to walk the other way when you are married at least legally (perhaps not emotionally!) and I would not deny that, but emotionally we are just as committed to one another (and now, legally as well in our province due to the common-law status). I plan on getting married only once in my life if I can help it, and so I take it VERY seriously and do not want to marry someone I "barely know" and I do not want them to marry ME when they barely know ME!

 

Because until you live together, I don't think you know them very well. I know MANY couples whom dated for YEARS then got married and THEN moved in together and discovered it was not at all what they had thought it would be and found out they could simply NOT live together. They can both be great people and love one another, but living together REALLY tends to put that light on whether you can really LIVE together.

 

So what gets you finally to say "I do" if you live together? Basically it is a matter of saying, yeah, you know, now that I know you, now that I have experienced the true meaning of what it would be like to spend my life with you and live with you day in and day out, I DO want to marry you.

 

I personally would rather marry someone whom DID know what I was like to live with, than someone whom was marrying me and expecting the fantasy life.

 

And I would rather go through the horrible split where you did live together than marry someone, then find out you could not live together (or it was not what you expected at all) and THEN go through a divorce when they decided they did not want to be married at all.

 

As an example, my own mother and biological father never lived together before they married...he decided after a few years and 2.5 kids (she was 7 months pregnant) that marriage was not at ALL what he thought it would be like, he did NOT want to be married, and walked. She has told me before that she knows if she had lived with him, before they married, they would likely never have gone through with the marriage (only downside was us kids would not be here - though sometimes she says we would of been, just in a different form..lol)...

 

My mother and stepfather on other hand have been together 22+ years and are far more married than my bio father "was" mentally or emotionally (he was also a cheat). They could get married tomorrow and it would not change a thing, but they don't need to do so to be BE "married" in the sense of emotional, physical, mental & spiritual commitment to one another. The only difference if they did it tomorrow was there would be a marriage certificate.

 

Personally, I see more murkiness in marrying someone and THEN living together, because they don't really know YOU as a person, or YOU them. You are saying yes to an "idea" of them - even if you have been dating for years, it is just whole different ballgame to be living together (whether married or not). And while you can "know" their values and beliefs in commitment, marriage, those aren't going to be tested until you really go through the adjustments of living together and many people can say they believe in one thing, but it turns out when they are faced with reality, suddenly they believe in another.

[Portage]

I lived with my partner for about three years before we married.

 

We are now ALMOST divorced. hmmmm, i think every couple is different. It comes down to the couple not the piece of paper.

[terk2021]

Well, there is a lot more to the story that you could figure out by reading my prior posts from last year and throughout the 1st part of this year...

 

Everyone has different definitions of commitment, within commitment, there are different levels. We were engaged, and she had a daughter that I helped raised for 2 years. I would never have considered buying this house until we knew where we were headed. Well, we had a wedding date, so I certainly knew where we were headed. So I thought

 

I am not a very religious person, and don't have any convictions about living together prior to marriage. It has many advantages such as sharing bills, responsibilities, and there is nothing like waking up to the person you love every day.

 

Long story short, the person I got engaged to ended up not being the person I was about to walk down the isle with. As hard as it was, I asked her to move out and figure out what her priorities in life were. She was not cheating on me or anything like that, but being a wife, a good mother, became priority 2 and 3 in her life.

 

All is good now, and I am blessed to see her true colors before saying "I do", but things could have got a lot more messy had she stayed in the house for just 2 more months.

 

My situation was more complicated because I felt sorry for her daughter that thought she had a new father, and was living in a dream house, something she had never got to experience before. I was preparing our future.

 

Now, I am the ROCKSTAR bachelor of the neighborhood

 

In all seriousness, I understand peoples perspective on wanting to live together prior to getting married, or even considering it. We all have our opinions and beliefs. After looking at the results of the survey, seems like a variety of opinion.

 

If you do it, just make sure that the lease/contract, or whatever and wherever you live is clear and concise, and only 1 of your names is on it. You never want to move in or plan a wedding or anything like that with plans for it to fail.

 

I have just seen that happen to too many of my friends, and watched it backfire. At least I got about 4-5 months of money from her, help on down payment, and equity in this house. If you could call it a divorce or separation, terk 1 - ex-fiance 0.

[RayKay]

Hehe, rockstar bachelor!

 

I feel bad for her daughter too, that certainly is a tough adjustment.

 

And I cannot imagine any of it would of been easy for anyone, but I guess I just wonder if she would of been any different if you had married then moved in together; and it was interesting that you actually fall into that category of "I would move in if we had an engagement and a wedding date" which it seems MORE people are more "open to" but even then as it shows, it is still not the guarantee many seem to look for!

[love4life]

I wouldn't do it unless I had a ring on my finger and a date set for "the big day".

[pianoguy]

I said no, although I didn't much like how the survey answers were worded.

 

I always thought that living together and (traditionally) sex were the "rewards" for getting married. Obviously waiting for sex after marriage is now a quaint anachronism.

 

I guess I don't see what the point of getting married is if you live together. I mean, you get married, you have a big party, life returns to the same way it was before. Woot.

 

I certainly don't have any problems with people that choose to make a life commitment and live together without being married. I knew an old couple that did this- I'm not sure what the reasoning was, but it's not really my concern, what's important is that it works for them.

[karvala]

Hey all, there has been a lot of interesting discussion on moving in together before getting married on the forum lately, so I figured I would start a poll.

 

I've seen studies that say that moving in together before marriage decreases your chance of actually getting married (the 'why buy the cow' theory) and I've seen repeated examples in my experience where people have lived together before marriage and gotten married and been very happy.

 

I'm curious what your thoughts on cohabitation before marriage is.

 

There two things (decreasing the chance of getting married and increasing the chance of a happy successful marriage) are not at all contradictory; in fact, they are both symptoms of the same thing, which is related to the "why buy the cow" theory. Quite simply, living together before marriage is a type of screening process in two quite distinct ways: (1) the most obvious way, which is simply to see whether or not you're compatible sharing a home; this screens filters out some couples and prevents some marriages that would not last long; (2) the less obvious way of filtering out people who only want to get married in order to live together and get something (often sexual or financial, but not necessarily) from their partner that they otherwise wouldn't get.

 

In other words, living together before marriage means that those who subsequently get married believe that they are able to live together successfully, and actually want the marriage itself as well. Given those, it's not surprising that it decreases the chances of getting married while increasing the success of any marriage that does take place.

 

P.S. I think option 2 is a given for any situation, so I wouldn't take any other choice to necessarily exclude that.

[melrich]

Given those, it's not surprising that it decreases the chances of getting married while increasing the success of any marriage that does take place.

 

Well I don't think it does. Here in Oz anyway, marriages between people who live together first are more likely to end (by quite some margin) than those who do not live together first.

 

Also people who have lived together before marriage have on average been in the relationship nearly 3 times longer than those that don't before getting married.

[RayKay]

Here is a site I have referenced on these forums before - the Alternatives to Marriage Project, which is a non-profit group working to gain civil rights to those whom choose not to be married (now or ever), or cannot be (gay and lesbian couples in many areas for example) and whom choose other living arrangements such as living together.

 

I linked it to the "Living Together" section, but it is worth looking around at the other sections too:

 

link removed

 

Here is the link for tips on having a healthy marriage after cohabitation which is WELL worth the read for someone thinking of moving in with someone:

 

link removed

 

 

And this is a link that has some FAQ's on the divorce stats, whether married couples are happier than unmarried ones and all that including the following response to "more divorce if you marry after cohabitation":

 

link removed

[melrich]

These studies' conclusions are frequently misrepresented in the media. Basically, studies like these are comparing apples and oranges. Most couples today live together before they marry, and research shows that on average, the minority of couples who marry without living together tend to be more religious, more conservative, and more opposed to divorce, as one would expect. So these studies actually show that people who are more opposed to divorce are less likely to divorce -- which is not particularly surprising. Researchers have found that when you "control" for the differences between the two groups, the cohabitation-divorce link decreases considerably or vanishes entirely, depending on the study. The idea that living together ruins relationships is not supported in any research.

 

Well actually there are a bunch of reasons. The most frequently quoted here is that people who live together often get married for the wrong reasons (because they think they should/because the relationship is failing and maybe marriage will help it etc).

 

The religious/conservative argument is far less cited here because it is not a strongly religious country and the conservative element is insignificant.

 

Having lived together twice and ultimately married, I would now take the view that if marriage is important to you, have a commitment to marry before you move in with someone. It doesn't have to be an engagement but set some time frames.

[RayKay]

Hehe, but wouldn't it have been that way if you got married too?

 

I don't know, maybe I am fortunate. My boyfriend is responsible and certainly does not expect me to be a maid - so I have never felt like one. We put in equal shares of the work and are both responsible enough to pay bills and the like.

 

I don't know, I guess I have just never been bothered by the little habits to see that as a reason not to live with someone I loved. Given I know I have habits too he also has to accept and live with! And whether we were married or not they would be there - but at least when we do get married I DO know they are habits I can certainly live with and adapt with.

 

I think I am also fortunate in that we are both independent people and both can get space in and outside the home, we each get opportunities to be home alone as the other is out doing their own thing and vice versa, in addition to the couple-time we have together.

 

I suppose if you did not live with someone first, you could believe in the fantasy of the other person more, and the "dream like" life together, but I would rather marry knowing the reality I suppose! And them want to know the reality of me before marrying me - rather than find out after they preferred the fantasy!

[Nixee]

I voted for option 4, but I almost voted for option 3.

 

The relationship and the partnership is what counts to me, much more so than the ring or the wedding. Nowadays those things don't actually prove much anyways, they are just nice ceremonies, memories and legalities. Or, of course, suiting if you are religious... and that is absolutely fine.

 

But for me, the focus is 100% on the partnership. A ring on my finger is a nice token, but it doesn't prove anything to me. Actions and consistency speak louder.

 

It seems to me the real question here is simply: how important do you think marriage actually is?

 

In this day and age, marriage doesn't stop people from cheating or breaking up, and it doesn't stop people from being unhappy or falling out of love. Mostly it just adds legal benefits for staying together, and legal ramifications in the event of a nasty break up.

 

This doesn't mean I'm against marriage... I actually do want to be married some day. I just refuse to make it a condition in regards to my own relationship moving forward. I will get married when I already feel secure in a partnership, not when I think I want to try to forge a closer partnership with someone. In other words, by the time I get married, I'd like to feel married already.

 

Just my two cents.

[RayKay]

Oh I think you can get a sense of how a person lives without being on the lease or mortgage. I guess you lucked out in this world to have such a perfect relationship? Like I said there is no right or wrong answer. Its all about what you want in the here and now. I have heard stories where the couple have lived together for 10 years, and then got married, and were divorced in less than 2 years. I think if I had to live with someone I wouldn't go longterm with it. Its either **** or get off the pot.

 

 

Oh I have never said we were perfect and I think that was a dig Undoubtedly it was an adjustment period for us both and we have had our own struggles to face together.

 

It was not a matter of luck, but just also not moving in with someone unless I knew both of us well enough to know I intended it to be more than a "test drive".

 

I know couples as you described, and also couples whom dated for 2-5 years whom got married, THEN moved in together and found they honestly could not live together at all. Even if they knew how the other "lived" when you put those two lives together, often you find how they live together is drastically different, or how they actually live with another person is drastically different.

 

I just think it is far easier to "miss" things if you are not living together - even if you date for years or are over at one another places all the time (or at least find it far more "tolerable" than if you did live together).

 

As you said, it all depends on the couple.

 

My mother and stepfather have lived together 22+ years and choose not to get married, and are amazing to one another and with each other. Are there things that drive them crazy about one another? Sure, but they love BEING together and support one another.

 

On the other hand I know another couple whom has been together (married) for about 30ish years, never lived together beforehand and no longer talk to one another, or spend much time together. They just stay together as they "believe that is the best" but they don't actually work at the relationship.

[RayKay]

Well said Nixee, my sentiments precisely! Particularly the part about the focus being on the partnership and the actions and consistent speaking louder than a ring (or certificate!) do.

[cc2006]

I think RayKay was getting at (and my question as well) is ... That part I put in bold ...

 

.. that frustrated you about the guy you lived with. Now ... if you had not lived with him ... and gotten married and then moved into a home together ... are you saying those things simply would not have bothered you anymore, because you were married?

 

Is a pile a dirty dishes from your husband and less annoying then a pile of dirty dishes from your boyfriend?

 

 

 

Thats like .. my thoughts on living together.

 

1.)You move in together before marriage. The dishes bother you (or whatever it is .. staying up/out late .. chewing his toenails .. cheating on you .. whatever) ... so you get frustrated and annoyed and say "heck with this!" and break up.

 

2.)You get married and then move in together. The dishes bother you (or whatever it is .. staying up/out late .. chewing his toenails .. cheating on you .. whatever) ... so you get frustrated and annoyed and say "heck with this!" and break up ... but now you have to go through a messy divorce.

 

 

 

I kinda' don't see how those two options are different other than the added level of pain and suffering (and cost both of the wedding and the divorce) in #2.

 

Being married, in my opinion, doesn't make people "try harder" to make things work. I am a committed person ... and will be just as committed after marriage as I am before marriage.

 

I dunno' ... maybe I'm just shook up from getting out of my last relationship this year with a girl that was very much a "I need to know where this is going" every two weeks person. "I don't want to be making a mistake and staying with someone who isn't going to marry me ... I'd rather be out looking for someone that will." That attitude made me vehemently disgusted with her. It just spits "you aren't worth it" in my face ... "I want a future husband, not a current boyfriend" ... it trivialized everything we had, unless it was moving toward marriage. It made me feel like she wasn't putting her 'all' into the relationship ... she was putting in 60% and waiting for me to give her a ring, then I could have the 'rest of the cow'.

 

Her ex (prior to me) told her she seemed like a person with one foot in the relationship and the other ready to run. ... and thats how I felt after I heard how she felt about marriage and stuff.

 

*Huff Puff* .. sorry .. /vent off.

[musicguy]

I think that it's a good idea to live with someone before you get married, so that you atleast know their little quirks or things that they do. You might like or not like the things that they do. Living with someone that are going to potentially marry is different than living with a family member or a friend.

[annie24]

I think that it's a good idea to live with someone before you get married, so that you atleast know their little quirks or things that they do. You might like or not like the things that they do. Living with someone that are going to potentially marry is different than living with a family member or a friend.

 

the 'quirks' thing does not bother me so much, because if we have chosen to be together forever, then his silly habits will not bother me so much and will not be deal breakers.

[annie24]

I dunno' ... maybe I'm just shook up from getting out of my last relationship this year with a girl that was very much a "I need to know where this is going" every two weeks person. "I don't want to be making a mistake and staying with someone who isn't going to marry me ... I'd rather be out looking for someone that will." That attitude made me vehemently disgusted with her. It just spits "you aren't worth it" in my face ... "I want a future husband, not a current boyfriend" ... it trivialized everything we had, unless it was moving toward marriage. It made me feel like she wasn't putting her 'all' into the relationship ... she was putting in 60% and waiting for me to give her a ring, then I could have the 'rest of the cow'.

 

i can understand why this would frustrate you. it's no more a turn on to hear 'if you won't marry me, i'll find someone who does' vs. a man saying to a woman, 'if you won't sleep with me, then i'll just sleep with your sister.' ewwww.

 

i'm not for checking the status of the relationship every 2 minutes, just like checking on the cake every 2 minutes isn't going to make it done faster, if anything, might mess it up if you keep opening the oven and poking at it. but, i think it's good to know where things are headed, in general.

 

i would certainly never buy property with a man i wasn't married to, like fortunate one said, too many things can go horribly wrong. for me, marriage and a prenup would work out well.

[musicguy]

the 'quirks' thing does not bother me so much, because if we have chosen to be together forever, then his silly habits will not bother me so much and will not be deal breakers.

 

I've never lived with someone of the opposite sex, so there's a lot of stuff that would be new to me