What are your thoughts on moving in together before marriage?

[Hope75]

Hey all, there has been a lot of interesting discussion on moving in together before getting married on the forum lately, so I figured I would start a poll.

 

I've seen studies that say that moving in together before marriage decreases your chance of actually getting married (the 'why buy the cow' theory) and I've seen repeated examples in my experience where people have lived together before marriage and gotten married and been very happy.

 

I'm curious what your thoughts on cohabitation before marriage is.

[SuperConfused]

Moving in together is like any other experience you have with your partner. It just happens to be one of those 'last straw' deal breakers. If you want to get down and propose to someone, you want to make sure they're everything you think they are, right?

 

Why not live with them and see how they act day-to-day, etc? You're choosing to live with this person for the rest of your life - the last thing you need is to not know how they act.

 

The other side of the coin, which I think is too lovey dovey and not realistic; says if you truly love them it doesn't matter. But, you can't *love* something entirely if you don't know that thing *entirely*.

 

Hope this helps.

[rocio]

No offense to anyone but the idea that "Moving in before marriage gives your partner little motivation to propose" is rediculous in my opinion. If your partner needs motivation to propose then perhaps marriage isn't right for the two of you, regardless of your living situation.

[Atticus90]

Traditionally, I think it should be done after marriage instead of before.

[Hope75]

No offense to anyone but the idea that "Moving in before marriage gives your partner little motivation to propose" is rediculous in my opinion. If your partner needs motivation to propose then perhaps marriage isn't right for the two of you, regardless of your living situation.

 

I agree with this statement completely but I also wanted to encompass other points of view and I have seen on the forum the argument that if you live together before getting married your partner has no reason to want to marry you since you are essentially giving him or her everything they want without that level of commitment.

[cc2006]

No offense to anyone but the idea that "Moving in before marriage gives your partner little motivation to propose" is rediculous in my opinion. If your partner needs motivation to propose then perhaps marriage isn't right for the two of you, regardless of your living situation.

 

I voted ... and, I agree (from my point of view) with you on this.

 

 

.. but .. you have to remember, this forum spans the globe .. so you're getting different areas with different views on things and from different backgrounds.

 

Personally, I'd never think of marriage with someone who wouldn't move in first and make sure we're compatible when living together. ... so ... I can, by that regard, never end up with someone who has the complete opposite view. Weird.

 

.. which is funny, because I didn't find out until later that my ex had that kinda' thing going on. "Why buy the milk when you get the cow for free" garbage.

 

Which, in her case, I wasn't sure if it screamed of insecurity (I need to get him to propose before we move in together because he'll never want to after) or arrogance (I'm so great once we moved in he'd have all this awesomeness and wouldn't need to propose) ... or maybe it was a knock on me (he'll only do it if I back him into a corner and make him).

 

I dunno' ... any way you slice it .. it came off bad, from her.

[rocio]

No I understand if people have cultural or religious reasons for not wanting to move in before marriage. In fact, there are lots of good reasons for not moving in together, and lots of different approaches that can work.

 

I just don't understand what the "milk" is. Sex? Hot meals? Someone to cuddle with in front of the t.v. on a nightly basis? The cow argument implies that these things would be traded for a marriage certificate. If I do those things, it's because I want to. Not in exchange for a ring on my finger.

[RayKay]

I am ALL for living together before marriage, or just living together if neither of you feel marriage is necessary either.

 

I know what the stats say, but I think from what I have seen there are some things that skew those stats. For example, many of those whom won't live together before marriage may have religious views against divorce in first place, and even if their marriage is bad, may not divorce.

 

"Staying together" does not always mean they are happier together.

 

Additionally, there are many whom do live together but never marry, but are VERY happy and are not considered in those stats. My own mother and stepfather have been together over 22+ years - raised children together, supported one another through their lives in some tough things (cancer, job stress/loss) and great, and are not only best friends (they go dancing together ALL the time, and travel too a lot) but they still have "eyes" for one another!

 

I also know SO many couples that have lived together (most actually I know lived together before they married) and are doing wonderful years later. Some whom lived together and parted before ever getting married, so it was probably better that happened BEFORE than after!

 

I also have never gotten the "why buy cow when milk is free" argument. I am not a cow. We are BOTH putting effort into our relationship, we both "put milk in", we both appreciate, respect and love one another. I am not with him so I can "get" marriage, I am with him as I love him and want to share my life with him. Whether we are married or not!

 

I do not think you can know a person without living with them - does not matter how much time you spend with them or stay over....living together and marriage are a WHOLE new experience and even for strong couples come with a steep learning curve and a lot of adjustments!

 

 

I know when I DO marry my partner, I will be doing so KNOWING him, and he me, in that way that comes from living together, sharing together and learning together, from going through some tough times and adjustments, and knowing all those quirks that make us both up. Knowing how we react, act, behave, love, stress, celebrate....all those things when times are rough, great or somewhere in between. How we work together as a "team" in our lives, in our home, in our relationship goals.

 

When I say "I do", it is saying it to whom he really is, not just whom I "think" he could be, or what I "think" it will be like. And that to me, is a pretty amazing thing

[annie24]

i read other stats that said it was more important WHY the couple moved in together in the first place before marriage. couples who were committed to each other, but not married had a better chance of working out (staying married) as compared to those couples who moved in together for other reasons (ie, save money) but then later wound up getting married.

 

i have a friend who just moved in with her bf of 2 months, mostly because she needed a new place to live. she had a bad breakup before with her live in boyfriend, and swore to me she'd never live with another man unless she was married. well, i guess after looking at 1 bedroom apartment prices and costs, she decided to move in with this guy. i think it's rather soon, i'm a bit skeptical, but i wish them well and i truly hope they work out.

 

i answered that i would not move in with a man before marriage, because the option i wanted on there wasn't there - that i would move in with a man if we were engaged and planning the wedding.

 

i think it depends on what you want. if getting married is important to you, then i think living with a man, without a committment, but you can't date other men is a bad deal. ie, she has no committment from him, but isn't allowed to go off and meet other men either who may want to get married. i think you can get resentful if you are wanting to get married, he doesn't or wants to wait, and you are stuck in this limbo, that is not good.

 

i thought shes2smart on here had a great point - living together without marriage is all the downsides of marriage without any of the perks. i pretty much agree with that, for myself at least.

 

EDIT: my other comment is this.... being single, i can go on vacation, whenever, wherever. if i want to take a new job, i can move accross the country, or on the other side of the world, without consulting anyone. if i want to paint my home, i can paint it purple, and don't have to ask anyone's permission. essentially, i can make major life decisions on my own. however, if i am in a marriage, i would not do any of these things without getting input from my husband. but a live in boyfriend - blah. i would not feel comfortable asking for permission to do such things, or go ahead and do them, if there is no official committment between us. like my roommate used to say, 'why pretend you are married when you are not?'

[annie24]

Personally, I'd never think of marriage with someone who wouldn't move in first and make sure we're compatible when living together. ... so ... I can, by that regard, never end up with someone who has the complete opposite view. Weird.

 

i can understand this, and it is a valid concern. if this were his caveat, i would be up for such a trial period. i know one man who married for the first time at 49, and he told his wife (before they were married) that being a single man all his life, he wanted to live with her for a year or 2 before getting married. just to make sure it would work.

 

however, he was pretty certain from the get go that she was the one for him - he proposed very early on in their relationship, but they didn't finally get married until after the living together period.

 

what i liked about that was that he definitely had marriage on the horizon, in his mind. it wasn't like 'let's live together and see what happens' for an indefinate period of time, i would not be comfortable with that.

[annie24]

Moving in together is like any other experience you have with your partner. It just happens to be one of those 'last straw' deal breakers. If you want to get down and propose to someone, you want to make sure they're everything you think they are, right?

 

Why not live with them and see how they act day-to-day, etc? You're choosing to live with this person for the rest of your life - the last thing you need is to not know how they act.

 

this scenario implies that the couple has discussed marriage, and that they are on that path. as opposed to moving in together and seeing where things go.

[RayKay]

i thought shes2smart on here had a great point - living together without marriage is all the downsides of marriage without any of the perks. i pretty much agree with that, for myself at least.

 

Well, I think that really depends on the couple and the people.

 

I cannot agree that there are "no perks" to it and all the downsides. I don't really understand that, as I really ENJOY living with him.

 

And honestly, I don't find any "downsides" either in my years living with my boyfriend, are there rough periods? Yes, but those are going to be there no matter what - married of not - and they are FAR outweighed by the benefits.

[annie24]

but if one person wants to get married, and the other is holding off for whatever reason, that is not good. i think it breeds frustration and resentment.

[RayKay]

EDIT: my other comment is this.... being single, i can go on vacation, whenever, wherever. if i want to take a new job, i can move accross the country, or on the other side of the world, without consulting anyone. if i want to paint my home, i can paint it purple, and don't have to ask anyone's permission. essentially, i can make major life decisions on my own. however, if i am in a marriage, i would not do any of these things without getting input from my husband. but a live in boyfriend - blah. i would not feel comfortable asking for permission to do such things, or go ahead and do them, if there is no official committment between us. like my roommate used to say, 'why pretend you are married when you are not?'

 

I also want to say - we don't ask "permission" and I would not want to be in a a relationship - a marriage or otherwise - where we asked "permission" from one another.

 

We need to work together on things, and figure out together how the best way to do things for both of us, or compromise....of course, but I don't see it as getting "permission".

 

We aren't "pretending" to be married - we just are whom we are as a couple, wherever we are. We are committed to one another, married or not, and I don't see our journey or life together with marriage as an end goal - it is an entire journey, and our life together began when we met one another, it's not on "hold" until we actually get married.

 

I know my parents - whom have never married - certainly don't feel as if they are "pretending" to be married.

 

I am not sure if that makes sense or not, but I guess it really comes down to the couple involved.

[RayKay]

but if one person wants to get married, and the other is holding off for whatever reason, that is not good. i think it breeds frustration and resentment.

 

I agree with that, absolutely. And it would cause it on both sides.

 

But that is why I said it depends on the couple.

 

I just don't understand how it is all the downsides with none of the perks as I have never felt that way at all!

[cc2006]

i think it depends on what you want. if getting married is important to you, then i think living with a man, without a committment, but you can't date other men is a bad deal. ie, she has no committment from him, but isn't allowed to go off and meet other men either who may want to get married. i think you can get resentful if you are wanting to get married, he doesn't or wants to wait, and you are stuck in this limbo, that is not good.

 

Guess this comes down to how you view "moving in", "living together" and "dating" and such as well then. It all comes down to terminology.

 

If I were to move in and live together with a partner .. we'd have to work up to and get to that point. Your friend is nutty, for diving into living with a guy 2 months into things. That blows my mind.

 

 

In my mind ... this question is talking about two people who have been together for a while monogamously/exclusively and love each other .. and blah blah blah ... and then decide to live together.

 

I didn't even consider random "dates" where you're not serious about the person then you go and live with them .. thats just insane in my mind. lol

 

 

... oh, and it comes down to your definition of "commitment" as well. Personally, if I'm dating someone exclusively, that is a commitment. To other people .. anything short of marriage is not "commitment" and you may as well just go out and start trolling bars looking for someone else ... because he isn't serious because there isn't a ring on your finger.

 

 

In the end ... it just all frustrates me, to be honest, because its like ... I feel as if no one is on the same page ... everyone has their own little quirks and viewpoints on things ... and locating someone that sees things the same way as you can seem hard as heck. lol ... and everyone is so 'black and white' about things.

[annie24]

well, i'm not sure what the right word is - but i think you understand what i am trying to say. if i want to take a job in london and i am single, i can do that without having to compromise, or run that idea past someone. now, if i am married, i can't just say, 'i took a job in london, see ya!' not appropriate in a marriage. that is a major life decision. one i would make together with a person who has made committment to me, and me to him. but i would not make a major life decision with a boyfriend, unless he wanted to get married and that's what i wanted too.

 

downsides - fights, socks on the floor, can't date others, etc..... without any of the securities of marriage - the promise to stay together, the public proclamation of love and fidelity.

[RayKay]

well, i'm not sure what the right word is - but i think you understand what i am trying to say. if i want to take a job in london and i am single, i can do that without having to compromise, or run that idea past someone. now, if i am married, i can't just say, 'i took a job in london, see ya!' not appropriate in a marriage. that is a major life decision. one i would make together with a person who has made committment to me, and me to him. but i would not make a major life decision with a boyfriend, unless he wanted to get married and that's what i wanted too.

 

downsides - fights, socks on the floor, can't date others, etc..... without any of the securities of marriage - the promise to stay together, the public proclamation of love and fidelity.

 

But if you love someone, and they you, is it that big of a deal? Just because you aren't married does not mean you do not see and want a future together.

 

When I wanted to go back to school we decided together how it could be done. You can support one another even without being married. I don't see it as a "burden" to work together on our future goals, or consider one another in our important life decisions. I WANT him to be part of those, as much as I want to be part of his.

 

I mean, my parents....they always have had to make these kind of huge decisions, and with each other, but they certainly don't plan on getting married.

 

As for the downsides/upsides thing - well I don't "fighting" or disagreeing is exclusive to any certain "living situation" and I don't think healthy fighting is a disadvantage. You can disagree on things without it being a "downside". I hardly consider socks on floor or other things related to that as "downsides" but maybe I am just pretty laid back that way. And well, if I am with someone I don't WANT to date others, so I don't consider that a downside. If we were not living together and seriously dating I would not be dating others either!

 

For me, you don't need a PUBLIC proclamation of love and fidelity to LOVE and BE faithful. Plenty whom make it public don't follow through on those proclamations. Plenty whom don't make them public DO. That goes for the promise to stay together too. It only is worth as much as they people in it, and for ME the promise to be there, to love one another, to be there for one another is not something that is "tangent" with marriage, it is something a couple does regardless of marriage or not. Many whom are married NEVER make those promises in their heart and mind, and many whom aren't DO.

 

Marriage does not "create" security. It is the two people in the relationship - whatever their status - whom work together to build that safe place for them both to fall.

[annie24]

some people don't ever get married and stay together for 20+ years, i know couples like that, it works for them. what i am saying is about people who want to get married.

 

i think there is a difference between being together and having a promise there of committment, vs. just being together, but with only murky plans for the future. simply put, i for myself, would not feel comfortable making major life decisions with someone who hasn't promised me love and committment, either publicly, or privately. i would feel like a fool if i gave up my dream of living in london (or whatever) for a person who can't promise to be with me until 2010 or whatever. i simply wouldn't do it.

 

now, i would like to get married, and i would not feel comfortable dating a man for years or living together with no wedding. it's ok to want to get married.

[RayKay]

I am not saying it isn't okay to want to get married Annie!

 

I am just saying, I don't know where the idea that living together means "murkiness" in the future? I don't think however even if you are married the future is "guaranteed". But I think in either case you can discuss your goals for the future together, and where you would like to see the relationship go. And if you are not on the same wavelength, don't move in together (and don't get married).

 

Hope just asked if you would/believed in living together before marriage. It did not specifically say that you could not have plans, or have discussed a future together, before you did so. You may just want to wait a few years - or plan to be together for the rest of your lives but neither of you sees marriage as a necessity to do that either.

 

I would not live with someone whom was NOT committed to the relationship, and I would NOT move in with someone if I wasn't also committed. I would NOT move in to save money, or get a cool place, or for "kicks".

 

I am just saying that you can be very committed to one another, without being married. Or, couples can also be very committed to one another when they decide together they do not want to get married (as my parents did).

[annie24]

and i answered her question - which is that i would not live together before marriage, unless the wedding was actively being planned (ie, there is a wedding date) or unless he is like cc2006 who passionately feels he needs a period of living together before marriage. otherwise, i would not do it.

[BabyGirl_1]

I think moving in before marriage is a huge mistake. I've seen it blow up in faces too many times. My sister has been with her boyfriend for six years now, just living together. He has cheated on her I don't know how many times. She wants to get married but he doesn't see why, they already live together and as he says "The only difference is a piece of paper." He's comfortable and already knows what he's going to get. Now they are expecting a child(God help!)and all of a sudden everything is perfect, though last month he told her that he felt nothing for her and wasn't leaving but she could! My sister in law went through the same thing. Her and her now husband have two children together(five and three)and they just married this year. They've been together for seven or eight years and he just wrote her a letter a week or two ago telling her that he didn't like her anymore. Moving in together before marriage doesn't prepare you for marriage, it just scares you away from it! Don't Do It!

[RayKay]

Well, I bet if your sister was MARRIED to him he would still be cheating. I think it is a BLESSING they have not married, and she should really leave. I don't see why she wants to get married either.

 

I am glad he thinks it is just a piece of paper as he would not make a very good husband in any case.

 

As for the other man, how do you know that he would not have done that if they had married 7 or 8 years ago as well?

 

Love does not come with a "guarantee" - married or not. Love is something you BOTH need to work at, your entire lives together.

 

But people whom move in together with common goals for the relationship, whom are healthy as individuals, committed to one another and have a healthy relationship don't get "scared away" by marriage. And if they DO, it's a good thing they found out before they married and did not get married, because they would of thought the same AFTER they married too. If they aren't committed to begin with, marriage is not going to make them more so.

[FortunateOne]

I completely support Annie24 on this issue and here's why:

 

link removed

 

And to add I cannot respect a woman that so easily gives up the "milk". I've turned away many women that portray a wholesome image and then turn out to be the opposite. True love is about intimacy, passion and commitment. When one trait is missing then the relationship is doomed to fail. This is why marriage is a public declaration of true love. Only those that are ashamed of it and want to remain personally in denial would trivialize it.

[woebegone]

I am with Annie on this. I value marriage above all else. Many people don't, and that's fine, that's their decision. I would not raise a family without it. If I'm going to be living with someone I better be 100% marriage is in the very near future (if I'm not married already), otherwise it would be a waste of my time. I believe the "why buy the milk?" mentality exists. I saw it happen to a close friend of mine.

 

I'm not doubting that living together can be a wonderful experience like in Raykay's case, but for those of us who want marriage, it can turn into a long waiting game. It depends on what you value.

 

I voted "nothing is universal."