What are your thoughts on moving in together before marriage?

[annie24]

neither have i, unless you count male relatives. i've spent plenty of nights at boyfriend's houses so i kind of know what their habits are like, etc.... but i can't see myself ever saying, 'ugh, i cannot stand that he doesn't take out the trash often enough, that's it, it's over!' i mean, of course there will habits of his i don't like, and vice versa, that is normal. but, we can compromise.

[FortunateOne]

neither have i, unless you count male relatives. i've spent plenty of nights at boyfriend's houses so i kind of know what their habits are like, etc.... but i can't see myself ever saying, 'ugh, i cannot stand that he doesn't take out the trash often enough, that's it, it's over!' i mean, of course there will habits of his i don't like, and vice versa, that is normal. but, we can compromise.

 

 

Yes, I agree. I've been told by potential romantic interest that since I've never live with someone that I'm not mature enough to live with and understand someone. I grew up with all women sisters and a single mother that was married on and off six times during my childhood.

 

In today's society it's considered abnormal to have a moral character that waits until a committed marriage promise before considering living together.

[annie24]

ha, that is funny. not mature enough?

 

i've had plenty of roommates though, some good, some bad, i have learned a lot from them about 'picking my battles' and being a good person to live with. i've definitely learned to not bother nagging, and that some things are just easier to do myself. instead of forcing my roommates to clean the kitchen floor, which is extrememly important to me, but not to them, i would just wake up early and do it myself.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I picked number 1 because I personally would not want to live with someone unless I was married to them. However, I don't think you can make a blanket statement that the minute you live with someone then the partner has little motivation to get married. I have seen couples who have lived together and then eventually got married, those who never got married because neither of them were interested in getting married, and those who never got married because one of the two did not want marriage. I think if two people decide to live together they should be on the same page as to why they are living together...in other words, one person can't be of the mind that he/she hopes it leads to marriage, while the other person has in mind that it will be fun for a while as long as there doesn't have to be further commitment. There has to be more substance to the living together than just simply "oh well, I want to see if he or she is grumpy in the morning".

[terk2021]

Hehe, rockstar bachelor!

 

I feel bad for her daughter too, that certainly is a tough adjustment.

 

And I cannot imagine any of it would of been easy for anyone, but I guess I just wonder if she would of been any different if you had married then moved in together; and it was interesting that you actually fall into that category of "I would move in if we had an engagement and a wedding date" which it seems MORE people are more "open to" but even then as it shows, it is still not the guarantee many seem to look for!

 

It's about definition of commitment. To me, the day we moved in was the day we got married. I learned from my mistake. I am not old fashioned or anything, but with the fact she had a daughter, I wanted her to know that I was going to be her dad prior to any formal living together. It took me a long time in the relationship to even stay at her house when her daughter was there.

 

Everything happens for a reason. Kind of like the Geico commercial, I saved a bunch of money on my financial insurance by switching to "I do not"

 

your call on what you want to do, just have that back up plan in case it fires. That was the best advice my friends gave me before buying the house and having her move in without her name on it...

 

Good luck my friend. Bottom line, there is no right or wrong here, and you have to do what's best for yourself...

 

Terk

[woebegone]

Raykay, I don't think it's fair to imply that couples who don't live together are expecting a fantasy marriage when they tie the knot. Or that they don't "truly know eachother." By the time my partner and I plan to get married, we will be together for over 6 years. Do you think that I won't know him well enough to marry him by then? The truth is, you will never know EVERYTHING there is to know about your partner. Nope. Not even if you live together for 22 years.

[wiser]

I did it, for 3 years. You figure we would have known each other well enough. We got married. It was a mistake.

 

From what I understand, more marriages fail that result from couples that have lived together than those that don't.

 

Go figure.

[baddasslegend92]

Im doing it and it's great. At least I can test drive before I buy lol

[wiser]

Im doing it and it's great. At least I can test drive before I buy lol

 

You would think that the test drive would get you into a model that suits your needs. Statistically speaking, it's better to just grab the shiny one off the showroom floor. Don't ask me why.

[cleo_gurl]

I think that its a good way to get to know eachother for real and taking it to the next step. I would want to live with them before I got maried.

[Hope75]

Wow, There are a lot of interesting and valid points here. So glad you all shared.

 

I am definitely glad I moved in with my guy before getting married to him. We've been living together for 5 years now and are getting married in 9 months. During the time we lived together I went back to school for the second time and am now in my 'dream job'. I knew I wanted to marry my guy pretty early on, but now that we have lived together so long I feel like when I do say "I do", that I will do so knowing 100% what I am getting into. Will there be surprises? I'm sure, there are in any relationship. But after 5 years and multiple struggles I feel confident in our ability to get through them together.

 

My sister and her guy were together 4 years when they got married this past summer. They spent a lot of time together, every weekend she either stayed with him at his apt or he stayed over at hers. They did not live together before getting married. This past fall she confided in me that she is not as happy as she thought she would be once she got married, she thought it would be different, and she isn't sure she is meant to be married.

 

I'm not saying one way is right over another and I am interested in everyone's different opinions here, but I am glad for me that we did live together before getting married.

[RayKay]

Finally, was wondering when you were going to put in your own story(ies)

 

I agree with you, what others do is up to them. What I am doing is right for me, and I just have a big issue with those whom do not give live-together relationships much "validity" as they chose not to marry (ever, or yet) since I know very well for me and MY relationship we don't treat it as a "test drive", and I know we are far more committed and loving than many marriages I do know (where they are together, but pretty miserable and only stay together due to stigma of divorce they feel they would have and so on). I would rather be unmarried and happily so, then in that situation.

[baddasslegend92]

Each his own!!! living togther works for me.

[RayKay]

Raykay, I don't think it's fair to imply that couples who don't live together are expecting a fantasy marriage when they tie the knot. Or that they don't "truly know eachother." By the time my partner and I plan to get married, we will be together for over 6 years. Do you think that I won't know him well enough to marry him by then? The truth is, you will never know EVERYTHING there is to know about your partner. Nope. Not even if you live together for 22 years.

 

Of course you are always going to be learning from one another, your entire lives, as new situations and changes arise in your life. But, I think you can have a pretty good idea of whom they are as a living companion only by actually living with them. And that means how they react to all the little things when it is also their place too, when it is there 24/7 and so forth. I know him much, much better through living with him than I would of learned in twice the time dating him and not living together. And that goes both ways.

 

I am just saying from MY own view, and those of people I know, that living together (married or not) is a WHOLE different ballgame than dating for several years. I do know couples whom dated and were very close for 5+ years before they married and moved in, and many did NOT it to be at all what they had thought it would be. Many of them did indeed think it would be just like it was when they stayed over all the time - just extended...and it just isn't like that.

 

I know others whom simply married too early as they had this rule about not living together before marriage, and found out their partner was not at all what they really wanted at all......

 

I am just saying from my own perspective that when I do get married, it is going to be with a full awareness of what it is like to live with him day-in and day-out and with a full awareness of what that truly means to me (and him). And I know I would not have known that without ever having lived with him first - I find it even more special that when we do get married, he is accepting me completely knowing what I am like to live with day to day (and still wanting that!), and me the same to him in return.

[woebegone]

Hope, I'm not sure what your sister was expecting? I will admit there are a lot of people who don't have realistic expectations of marriage and wind up being sorely disappointed. In that way, cohabiters may have a "leg up" so to speak... but I want to stress this is not always the case! There are pros and cons to BOTH situations and people tend to generalize saying "this is better" when it really depends on the individual's values (IMO).

 

Happy 10,000th post by the way.

[blazin]

I think that everything that used to be special and unique about marriage, like living together, is no longer special. Which would explain why marriages are so easily thrown away in our society.

 

Co-habitating is endeavor, a journey in intimacy. It's a process in we which begin to share all the little details of each other's lives. It should be special time that newly weds look forward to. But instead, it's become the norm in a society full of people who like to play house, but prove inadequate when it's time to exhibit real commitment.

[Hope75]

Hope, I'm not sure what your sister was expecting? I will admit there are a lot of people who don't have realistic expectations of marriage and wind up being sorely disappointed. In that way, cohabiters may have a "leg up" so to speak... but I want to stress this is not always the case! There are pros and cons to BOTH situations and people tend to generalize saying "this is better" when it really depends on the individual's values (IMO).

 

Happy 10,000th post by the way.

 

Of course I would agree with this, and I am not sure what she was expecting either. Unfortunately,she wasn't terribly specific before she clammed up and she hasn't talked to me about it since- even though I have approached her.

 

I do think much of it has to do with the fact that he is somewhat irresponsible financially (poor at budgeting, bad credit, etc) although she has had some trouble herself in the past. Another thing she admitted that bothered her was how much he is 'in her space' (duh! they have a one bedroom apartment! She really values her privacy and space and other than living with family until she was 21 and moved out on her own she has always lived alone), and that he is disorganized and leaves his papers strewn about (he is a teacher). In all honesty I think with time these issues are things that can be worked out, but I wonder how much of a 'surprise' this would have been had they lived together before marriage.

 

 

I remember this period of adjustment for my fiance and I during the first years we lived together too- and it was hard! We actually broke up for a brief period of time over it and I moved out for 7 months. Working through that and moving back in was very difficult and I think it was a big turning point for us and the fact that we did come through it and have lasted together several more years since (including the very demanding, time consuming years that I went back to school to earn my nursing degree) shows me that we have the dedication, commitment and devotion that it takes to have a successful and long marriage. I think there's a good reason that studies show the first year of marriage is the hardest- it is often the first year you live together and juggle the responsibilities of finances, a home, chores, bills, joint income etc. Thankfully my guy and I have had that out of the way for several years now.

[annie24]

i'm not sure that getting living together before marriage would have changed that. i think in our society, being married is held up as some kind of end all, be all, that you aren't fully an adult until you get married. i dunno - maybe she read too many bride magazines or whatever, and was expecting things to be like a fairy tale, when things just kind of went back to normal. i don't know what she was expecting marriage to be like before getting married.

 

she and her hubby can work out the mess issues, if they compromise and try to be neater. or get a bigger apartment!

[Hope75]

i'm not sure that getting living together before marriage would have changed that. i think in our society, being married is held up as some kind of end all, be all, that you aren't fully an adult until you get married. i dunno - maybe she read too many bride magazines or whatever, and was expecting things to be like a fairy tale, when things just kind of went back to normal. i don't know what she was expecting marriage to be like before getting married.

 

she and her hubby can work out the mess issues, if they compromise and try to be neater. or get a bigger apartment!

 

Maybe, maybe not, but I definitely think it would have been less of a shock to her had those issues been addressed before had they lived together before. His financial habits are something that would have come to light much sooner had they been sharing rent, utilities, etc.

 

Again, I'm not saying living together before marriage is for everyone, but for me I am glad I did it.

 

I completely disagree with the notion that you are not 'completely adult' until you are married. I am 32 and have been living on my own and supporting myself since the age of 17. I survived 5 years of domestic violence, working 65 hours a week to support myself and my partner (not my current partner), going back to college twice (once at age 23 and once at age 28) and paid my way while supporting myself both times (and working 2 jobs the second time!) traveled, dated ....all done before I walk down the aisle next year.

 

I feel pretty satisfied that I have been an adult for awhile now and that will serve me well when I do get married and decide to become a parent.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think that everything that used to be special and unique about marriage, like living together, is no longer special. Which would explain why marriages are so easily thrown away in our society.

 

Co-habitating is endeavor, a journey in intimacy. It's a process in we which begin to share all the little details of each other's lives. It should be special time that newly weds look forward to. But instead, it's become the norm in a society full of people who like to play house, but prove inadequate when it's time to exhibit real commitment.

 

I have to agree with these sentiments. I also have a tough time with people who have lived together and then decide to get married and do the whole Cinderella thing with the big white wedding dress, the endless bridal showers, the cutting the cake the Princess for a day. It kind of loses the spirit of what the fancy wedding is all about if the two people have already been living together for a long time. On the one hand they want to say that living together is so that they can see how they mesh and that they are committed to each other, yet on the other hand, if they eventually tie the not, it is no longer like they are embarking on a new life journey since the rationale for living together was that they were already committed to that life journey together. Really, if two people have already set up house together and don't see the importance of the "piece of paper" to show their love, then why is the big fancy dress ball with all the gifts so important? Why not just formalize the union with a small ceremony and just invite the closest friends and family to celebrate.

[annie24]

oh yes, i also disagree that you are still a child until you get married. kind of silly. but, you had to admit, there is a strong social pressue to do 'the right things' - ie, graduate high school, go to college, get a good job, get married, have kids, etc.... in that order. maybe how some people get to college and hate it, while others love it.

 

is it possible that the financial issues would have come to light if they lived together first? possibly yes. did they have in depth conversations before they got married about how they would manage their finances, how much debt they had, etc....? i would think that's a pretty important thing to do before walking down the aisle.

[Hope75]

People who are living together can still make a big celebration of the 'official commitment' of marriage if that is important to them.

 

My guy and I have lived together for 5 years and will have for 6 before getting married- but marriage is still important and special to us and we are going to celebrate that with our family, friends and loved ones.

 

Just because we have lived together before does not mean that getting married isn't going to be special and important to us.

[annie24]

ehhh, i just think doing the big cinderella thing your 3rd or 4th time down the aisle is kind of tacky.....

[Hope75]

 

is it possible that the financial issues would have come to light if they lived together first? possibly yes. did they have in depth conversations before they got married about how they would manage their finances, how much debt they had, etc....? i would think that's a pretty important thing to do before walking down the aisle.

 

I don't know if they did or not, I didn't ask her and she is not willing to discuss it with me, in fact she remains very closed off about the whole thing after dropping that bomb after a few drinks.

 

Discussing money and finances, and managing it together are still two very different things, at least IMO.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

ehhh, i just think doing the big cinderella thing your 3rd or 4th time down the aisle is kind of tacky.....

 

 

Yeah, at least Pamela Anderson has the class not to do that...mind you, I think for her, there is way too much fabric in a wedding dress...she prefers to get married au naturel LOL