What are your thoughts on moving in together before marriage?

[RayKay]

Again, I think it totally depends on your reasons for moving in together.

 

As I said I would never live with someone I did not see marrying (and I have only lived with one person) and I would not move in with someone whom did not see marrying me in their future. I was just as fussy about whom I lived with as I would be about whom I married, so I think that article really tends to discuss those couples whom move in because they think it would be "fun" - not because they are just taking the next step that feels right for them as a couple.

 

It was a "conscious decision" - not an accident. Everyday is a learning experience, but we are very committed, loving and dedicated to one another.

 

 

Even the article said it was about the INTENTIONS (as Annie also mentioned earlier) rather than the actual action.

 

As even the author of that article said - it can indeed work, as it did for her and her husband:

 

Even before the ring, it was clear to me I'd found someone who'd be willing to work things through. And he has been

 

Exactly how I feel in my own relationship.

[woebegone]

I agree, the article seems to take aim at the "I need to live with him first so I know what his breath smells like in the morning" types of people.

[RayKay]

By the way, I don't mean to be a pain on this one, this is just one of those hot button issues for me. I find it really demeaning when (not couples/people here!) insinuate that if you aren't married, you don't have status or don't know "love" or commitment.

 

My mother and stepfather have never married, I have many gay friends whom depending on where they live CAN'T marry and are dedicated to one another, my own brother and his boyfriend have lived together for years and are extremely committed to each other, I have been with my own boyfriend for over three years living together now and consider us just as married as any of our friends whom are officially married (and they consider us to be so too). I know several friends whom lived together for a few years before marriage (and are together years later, and happily married).

 

On the other hand, I have seen some of these "stigmas" come from the mouths of people whom were very unhappily married, or have honestly very little relationship experience and expect marriage to be some "magical guarantee", and honestly...some whose motive for not living together IS to encourage marriage as the final goal - without much thought about whether they are really compatible, and healthy together, in the first place.

 

There are plenty of couples whom DO move in together too soon, whom move in thinking it will give them "security" or they have different goals, or they move in together for the "wrong reasons"; I also think it is essential you know yourself as an independent person before you take that step - however it is certainly not the case for everyone and many do move in together with healthy, shared "intentions".

 

 

I just find it JUST as demeaning to say a couple whom is not married and living together is "not committed" as it is to say someone whom is single is "unwanted" - neither are true, and both ignore the many individualities and experiences that people go through.

 

And I have NEVER likened to being equated to a "cow" whose only "value" is my "milk" and if I am sharing that (whatever it is) I am not worth "buying" (as if I am to be bought!). We are equals in this relationship, and I would not spend much time with a man whom thought that way in the first place.

[woebegone]

The article brings up an interesting point that I never thought about. When a couple lives together for a long period of time, marriage can seem like "the next logical step." In other words not as much thought is put into the decision, which would later lead the marriage to divorce. I don't want to be the next logical step. I want it to be one of the biggest decisions of our lives.

[rocio]

Well, I bet if your sister was MARRIED to him he would still be cheating. I think it is a BLESSING they have not married, and she should really leave. I don't see why she wants to get married either.

 

Exactly. What's wrong with those relationships is not the living arrangement.

[annie24]

personally, i know myself enough to know i would just feel disappointed anxious and dumb, every month that rolled around, that we were living together, but no proposal. i would think, 'if you love me so much, and want to be together forever and ever, then why not get married, as it will make me happy and give me the legal protections of being your wife?'

[woebegone]

Problem with that annie is after a couple years he might then feel an obligation to marry you (which of course is a bad reason to marry). Another reason why I would not cohabitate.

[terk2021]

I did it, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Yes, it's nice to test drive the car before you buy it, but when you move in together, in my mind, it's the commitment to the relationship that you are making. If you do, I would have one name on the house, the lease, or whatever arrangement you make.

 

Things definitely change when you live together vs. staying with each other at each other's place. I don't want to go into all of the details, but not putting her name on my house was the best thing I ever did.

 

I am not trying to predict that your relationship will fail, but you have to look at the laws in your state. If you live together for "X" amount of time and things go south, it can get messy.

 

I don't think I would ever live with someone before marriage again...

 

Just my opinion...

[RayKay]

personally, i know myself enough to know i would just feel disappointed anxious and dumb, every month that rolled around, that we were living together, but no proposal. i would think, 'if you love me so much, and want to be together forever and ever, then why not get married, as it will make me happy and give me the legal protections of being your wife?'

 

But in that case I would say you would of moved in for wrong reasons, as generally that would be something you should discuss before.

 

If you felt you were "waiting" and "anxious and dumb" it would be because you did something that was not in line with your own "internal sensors". Likely as you kinda knew he was not that committed to it, and you moved in hoping he would be more so....which of course would not be a very good reason and why I would not do that either!

 

For me, I would like to marry him one day, but I don't think the fact we aren't devalues it or means I am "anxious & dumb" as I enjoy each day as it is. We aren't in a "holding pattern" because we aren't married.

 

I don't feel marriage is something that would "make" me happy, I am happy with him as we are sharing our lives together, and if we choose to get married - great, that is part of that, but it would be about BOTH of us, not to make ME (or HIM) alone happy.

 

As for the legal protections - part of why I just don't see it the same way as I think some do on these forums whom are from other parts of world is as here I AM legally protected, as is he. We are - in the law here - just as married as someone whom went down and signed a marriage certificate. We are legally common-law, and we have the same rights as married spouses do including making medical decisions and so forth. Also another reason I personally would not live with someone "just for the sake of it" - only with someone that I most definitely saw as my lifelong partner.

 

And while we DO have the legal protection of property division here (as would be for married couples - which here is what you bring into the marriage/co-hab is yours, what you bring in during is yours unless it is through joint efforts than it is shared), if we didn't I just don't see that for me as being a good reason to get married since there are so many other ways (through a cohabitation agreement for example) you can make those arrangements if that is "really" what it is about.

 

I would marry him as I love him and want to spend my life with him, not for "legal protection". It would be different in a different era perhaps where I may have been through society's circumstances more dependent on a husband, but I am not, and we can make those kind of agreements on our own (plus, we are officially common-law and have those protections anyway).

[RayKay]

I am curious though...when you moved in with her, did you do it as a "test drive" or was it as a "that's in, we are in this forever!" kinda thing?

 

If it was the former, well as we said before, intentions have a lot to do with it. I would not move in with someone on the basis of "test driving" - it IS as making a lifelong commitment to them. I lived on my own for many years (and loved it!) before deciding I had met the man I wanted to spend my life with. And HE was the one I decided to live with.

 

If it was the latter, do you think the results would of been different if you had MARRIED her first than lived with her?

 

Personally, while I know breaking it off while living together would be a really tough experience - I think it would be better to find out you were not going to work BEFORE you went through with a wedding. I would rather someone decided they weren't going to marry me (or started hemming and hawing about it) while we were living together so at least I would have a clear indication of their "level of commitment" and move on rather than go through with a wedding to find out after they suddenly decided "it was not what they thought it would be and did not want to be married anymore"!

[rikka]

Ask me this question 2 years ago and I probably would have been firmly in the "i'll never do it camp". But things change, life changes and nothing is black or white.

 

Now, well I believe it can have merits in the right situations. I'm about to take that big step with my SO, after much careful thought, preparation, discussion etc (I think planning a wedding may be easier sometimes ).

 

I can't speak to anyone else, but I know in my case this has been an issue the two of us have discussed on end. We know each other's expectations for the future etc. I have not given up on marriage. I plan on being married before i start my family.

 

I don't know, maybe we are an instance of "the wrong reason". We are moving to be together to end 2 years of long distance. We are moving to be together to see if we are ready for the commitment that is marriage. I would rather spend 6 months living with him and then get engaged, rather than get engaged, move out there, find we aren't as compatible as we once were and then call it all off. Perhaps I am giving this a test drive - but the way we see it is that we are just taking our relationship to the next level. We are taking the steps that suit our relationship.

[RayKay]

I am curious if Hope is going to share her own story sometime or she posted then jetted off to work to leave it buzzing

 

I was also wondering if she might discuss what she did in another thread today about her own sisters experience which I think is pretty related!

[annie24]

But in that case I would say you would of moved in for wrong reasons, as generally that would be something you should discuss before.

 

which is exactly why i wouldn't move in with someone before marriage. i just know it isn't for me. common law marriage would not work for me either, because it is kind of something that goes into effect by the government, kind of like woe said, sliding into a committment, not actively walking down an aisle, or getting a marriage certificate. edit: just looked it up, where i live, common law marriage is not recognized anyways.

 

i know lots of people who move in together without discussing forever and ever - like my friend and her new live in bf of 2 months. it sure happens.

 

i definitely don't need marriage to be happy - i am happy right now. i am happy making my own choices. if i were to be married, i don't get to make my own choices, 100% on my own, anyone that thinks otherwise is lying to themselves. if i am single, i can run off to namibia to live there for 2 years. if i am married or cohabitating, that is not something i can just go off and do without asking for my partner's input, advice, etc.... now, if i am married and my husband simply cannot move to namibia for 2 years, doesn't want to, and doesn't want to do long distance - then i need to decide what is more important - namibia or my husband (and hopefully the husband should be the answer!) but for a boyfriend to tell me i can't go, but won't marry me either - that is just not fair, and not acceptable.

 

i had a boyfriend tell me he wanted me to go to his college, not the one i wanted. well, there was no committment from his part, just that he wanted me closer. that was not enough for me, so i picked the college where i really wanted to go to, and we wound up breaking up.

[RayKay]

Well, I am not religious so to me a marriage certificate is as equally about being "governmental"....just with a nice ceremony (or elopement!).

 

We also KNEW when we moved in together the common-law rules, so it was not just "passivity". We "knew" what it meant if we moved in together.

 

I think the issue is I just do NOT tie "commitment" to marriage, or to living together, or to anything else for that matter EXCEPT for the decision you make in your heart and mind on your own. To me, this is something you decide independent of marriage. So I never have felt it is "sliding" into commitment, because I "actively" chose him to BE committed too. I could have also decided not too. But I chose to, and I take that very seriously.

 

I have never dated someone whom told me "not to do" something, maybe I have been lucky but it is has always been "alright, how can we make this work" - and that has gone both ways and led to some long-distance at times (one long-term boyfriend did an exchange for example for 18 months in Australia). I wouldn't be with someone whom "demanded" something from me in that way, and I would not feel comfortable "demanding" like that from a partner.

 

Of course I take my partner into consideration - always - but that is part of the commitment I made to him "privately" and I have never felt hindered by that - it was my choice to make that commitment. I love him, and WANT him to be part of my decision.

 

As I said many times, I never said that everyone moves in for right reasons (like your friend) and that it does NOT happen - but I disagree entirely with the idea that situations like that mean that everyones situation (like my own) is a negative thing, lacking in commitment, or love, or seriousness...or that it somehow means we don't take our relationship seriously.

[woebegone]

What is a "right" reason to cohabitate if you are a person with marriage in mind?

[CarnelianButterfly]

I don't want to get married. My commitment is no less because of that, though.

 

Some people believe in marriage and that it represents something. I don't.

[CarnelianButterfly]

What is a "right" reason to cohabitate if you are a person with marriage in mind?

 

You want to be near them, that you want to share your every day with them, that moving in puts you closer to them.

[annie24]

link removed

 

ah, this is an interesting article i found while looking up my state's laws on common law marriages. (not recognized) i guess to be common law in the states in the us that do recognize it, you need to live together, present yourselves as a married couple (ie, share the same last name, or refer to each other as my husband or my wife), and to file joint tax returns, and intend to marry.

 

it appears by the article that if something happens - like a dissolution of the relationship or death - it actually complicates things, doesn't simplify them. the article mentions that if my common law husband were to die, i might wind up in court against his family, with them saying they are entitled to his estate because we were never married, then i would have to prove in court that we presented ourselves as married and all that. it seems easier just to get married, if he is already calling me his wife and filing joint tax returns!

 

sorry for the side note, but i just found this interesting.

[woebegone]

You want to be near them, that you want to share your every day with them, that moving in puts you closer to them.

 

Those are good reasons, but I would feel uncomfortable doing these things premaritally because as a person with marriage in mind, I would be concerned that cohabitating would either deter my partner from making that commitment OR make them commit for the wrong reasons. The whole thing makes me uneasy.

 

By the way, I am not religious but I DO put a lot of stock in marriage.

 

And Carnelian, I am in Indiana too.

[CarnelianButterfly]

A good reason why every one should have a will.

[annie24]

A good reason why every one should have a will.

 

good point - i should get on that, lol. the article also has an interesting blurb on filing a wrongful death suit, if someone killed your partner, then you'd again have to go to court and prove your marriage.

[RayKay]

A will and a living will!

 

Yes, definitely Annie - the laws for common-law vary all over the place. I know here they changed it in 2004 and it is actually very fair (and you CAN "opt out" of it if you want though I am not sure of the process for that). But the laws here in my province for common-law marriages are in my eyes very fair given they are exactly the same as the marriage laws (but no need to dunk $30,000 on a wedding...haha)

 

I know it is not like this everywhere though, so I do stress wills, cohabitation agreements and the like for couples that don't want to end up going through what you just described!

[CarnelianButterfly]

I think there are some interesting takes on "marriage". In sci-fi lit, there are marriage contracts, the parties are contractually "married" for a given term. At the end of the contract they can renew or dissolve the union. Penalties for breaking the contract are similar to those when any other contract is broken. Children are consider options of the contract. It gives me a chuckle.

[FortunateOne]

A good reason why every one should have a will.

 

In my business I've processed many probate transactions and wills can be challenged by the legal next of kin.

 

Example one: I purchased a commercial strip mall that was in probate. The administrator was the long term girlfriend of the decedent and she was in the living trust as beneficiary. Guess what, a child from a previous relationship was able to contest the probate and won. Why? There was no community property rights attached to the administrator and thereforeeee the next of kin inherited the asset.

 

Example two: I listed a residential property in probate. The administrator was the decedent's three year girlfriend. He added her to title and left her rights of survivorship. six months after his death his 34 year old son just got out of state prison on a 12 year sentence. He challenged the probate due to his next of kin status and won. She had to grant over the decedents 50% share and a pro-rated amount on her 50%.

 

This is why wills are a joke and I get great deals at probates.

 

Edit: I can't wait for all the flower children baby boomers to kick the bucket. $$$

[Angel_baby]

My view on it is why waste all the money in a divorce when you could of found out beforehand that you weren't compatible as a couple.

 

Marriage should defiantly be in mind before thinking about moving in together. Most defiantly though moving in together will let you find out whether the couple is ready for marriage.

 

As far as my husband and I, we lived together for 2 years before we decided to take the next step.