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What are your thoughts on moving in together before marriage?

Hope75

By Hope75
in Relationship Advice

What are your thoughts on moving in together before marriage?  

119 members have voted

  1. 1. What are your thoughts on moving in together before marriage?

    • I would never do it. Moving in before marriage gives your partner little motivation to propose
      22
    • I guess it depends on the couple and the situation. Nothing is universal.
      40
    • I'd do it with no expectations of a proposal at any time.
      5
    • I think it's a must before marriage- it's a good way to prepare for being married.
      41
    • I'd do it and still hope for a proposal at some time, but I don't think it's anything like being married.
      11

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Day_Walker Grand Master

Day_Walker

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People seem to have all of these preconceived notions when it comes to living with a person before marriage. People also have their horror stories for each. It seems to me that people just like to shack up just for convenience sake, typically they are spending a lot of time with that person and it makes more sense to move in together in order to save money. Although financial reasons should play a role, they shouldnt be the sole basis for a decision to move in together.

Before you move in with a partner issues such as marriage as well as other important issues such as children, finances, or whatever else need to be discussed. Moving in with a person isnt going to remedy a difference that each of the people have. If people can just move in with one another just cuz then more power to them but most seem to do it because they want something more. If you go into the situation blind then you deserve what you get, which is more frustration.

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Siriana Mentor

Siriana

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I plan on moving with my bf in the future but for now I plan him to sleep over at my place at least 2-3 night a week because we are both very occupied with work so we don't have enough time to see each other as much as we could or as long as we could, and we are together for two years.

We are saving for a very big bed, since my standard is too small for him.

we need 210*180 cm bed... (sorry I needed to vent about it because it's going to be expensive)

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winchester3 Enthusiast

winchester3

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Moving in before marriage? Whats the difference from before to after your married. You have a ring on your finger "WHOOPEE!!". Other then that whats new? Sure theres more obligation but nothing else really changes. Moving in after marriage makes the whole ordeal all that much more. From my unmarried teenage standpoint thats how i see it anyways.

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RayKay Grand Master

RayKay

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Agreed Day Walker; it is definitely important that you do talk about all the issues (just as you should if you are going to get married!) and ensure you really are on the same wavelength and not moving in for the wrong reasons (i.e. to save money, to 'keep an eye on them', hoping it means more commitment from them....and so on).

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Hope75 Grand Master

Hope75

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As RayKay mentioned these topics should definitely be discussed before moving in with someone as it can lead to some very hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and ultimately a breakup.

 

Interestingly enough, moving in with my guy ended up costing me more then where I was living before- so finances and 'convenience' were not a reason for us to live together- but a desire to share our daily lives in this way.

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Parsley Rising Star

Parsley

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Going along the 'little motivation to propose' idea got me thinking. It is a common view these days that marriage is just a piece a paper, it's not strictly necessary as a way to prove love or to be with someone. This would mean it is individual to everyone whether they want marriage or not. I think it would be important to communicate enough wit your partner to find out whether you both have similar goals in life - whether or not marriage is important to you or not. This seems to be a dealbreaker in many relationships. This would make me feel that moving in together before marriage may even be a necessity...it may not be until this step is taken that this talk comes up. But I can never talk for everyone...which is why I chose the option that it's different for every couple

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Hope75 Grand Master

Hope75

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Going along the 'little motivation to propose' idea got me thinking. It is a common view these days that marriage is just a piece a paper, it's not strictly necessary as a way to prove love or to be with someone. This would mean it is individual to everyone whether they want marriage or not. I think it would be important to communicate enough wit your partner to find out whether you both have similar goals in life - whether or not marriage is important to you or not. This seems to be a dealbreaker in many relationships. This would make me feel that moving in together before marriage may even be a necessity...it may not be until this step is taken that this talk comes up. But I can never talk for everyone...which is why I chose the option that it's different for every couple

 

I definitely agree- and I see on here and in real life situations where it isn't discussed and years later one resentful partner is at a crossroads waiting for a proposal and there's no indication the other partner has any intention of proposing.

 

It can definitely be difficult should this happen and so it should be discussed (along with a possible timeline) before considering moving in with someone, if marriage is ultimately your goal.

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annie24 Grand Master

annie24

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I definitely agree- and I see on here and in real life situations where it isn't discussed and years later one resentful partner is at a crossroads waiting for a proposal and there's no indication the other partner has any intention of proposing.

 

It can definitely be difficult should this happen and so it should be discussed (along with a possible timeline) before considering moving in with someone, if marriage is ultimately your goal.

 

 

i can see myself moving in with someone if living together is a prerequisit for marriage for him. as long as marriage was on the table in a reasonable time line, ie, 1-2 years. i just don't want to be waiting and waiting and waiting forever, you know? especially if i am sure he is the one, and he seems to be dragging his heels.

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Hope75 Grand Master

Hope75

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i can see myself moving in with someone if living together is a prerequisit for marriage for him. as long as marriage was on the table in a reasonable time line, ie, 1-2 years. i just don't want to be waiting and waiting and waiting forever, you know? especially if i am sure he is the one, and he seems to be dragging his heels.

 

Yep, and I think it's important that if you have a specific timeline that you discuss it with your partner ahead of time and make sure you are both on the same page.

 

Having said that, there is always a chance that even something that was discussed beforehand isn't cut in stone, and one partner may find the other hemming in hawing when the time comes.

 

So knowing that risk is another important factor to consider before moving in with someone if marriage is your goal. I think it was Melrich who said that couples who live together are typically together 3 times longer before getting married over couples who do not.

 

My guy and myself will have been together for 6 years before we get married, and living together almost as long. I think much of that has to do with the first years working out how to live together harmoniously, and then my going back to school and that completely taking over my life. I imagine I might have felt more urgency to do it sooner if I hadn't lived with him, and maybe he would have too.

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annie24 Grand Master

annie24

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yeah, if they are still hemming and hawing at the end of the 'trial period' maybe that is a sign it is not meant to be? or take a step back from the relationship.

 

i have a friend who just got engaged to a man she was dating for about 1.5 years. he had been asking her to move into his house, but she'd just point at her finger and go, 'i don't see a ring!!!!!' lol. he just proposed a few months ago, she's moving in now, and they are planning the wedding. would he have proposed if she moved in first? probably, but it might have taken longer.

 

i don't look at marriage as the goal, so much as 'staying married.' a marriage and a divorce a few years later isn't much of a triumph for me, so i'd rather take my time and make sure it is right before jumping in.

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annie24 Grand Master

annie24

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100% MUST. Engaged or not, you need to live together BEFORE getting married.

 

Not living together before marriage, you mine as well ask for the divorce papers along with your marriage certificate!

 

then how come i know many people who did not live together before marriage who have been happily married for a long time, and others who did live together first, and got divorced anyways?

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Crazyaboutdogs Proficient

Crazyaboutdogs

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100% MUST. Engaged or not, you need to live together BEFORE getting married.

 

Not living together before marriage, you mine as well ask for the divorce papers along with your marriage certificate!

 

Hmm, well, lots of people who live together and then get married end up filing for divorce as well!!! Also, long before living together was considered acceptable, many people were happily married for life even though they had not lived together before marriage.

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Got2getit Rookie

Got2getit

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I think it's the ONLY way to do it...moving in together before marriage.

 

It's sort of an "evaluation period." I honestly think one of the biggest things is the sex factor. Did the sex go down or up once you guys moved in together? What about after about a year? Going down yet? If so, what do you think happens once you get married.

 

This is EXACTLY what I plan to do. If the sex all of a sudden goes down, we aren't able to tolerate each other 7 days/week, etc. then that means the marriage won't work.

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Atticus90 Rising Star

Atticus90

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It's my opinion and what I THINK, as hard as it is for you people to process. Actually, I know it's impossible for most on here to understand!

 

Most people who marry after marriage do it for religious reasons I suppose, because that's what I would do.

 

If you're asking for divorce papers when you do it after marriage, Wouldn't it be the same effect if you did it before marriage?

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jevonj77 Collaborator

jevonj77

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I don't know if anyone realizes that divorces have gone UP in recent times. And this "new" idea of living together "before" marriage has only recently started to become a normal and regularly accepted idea and practice. Maybe the two are related. I think it's like a 60 percent divorce rate now. Of course due to many factors.

 

So I can't say with certainty that living together before marriage is truly the key to a great marriage. In fact it seems to cause a lot of problems. Being that marriage is a long time anyways, living together can never prepare one for the long run of marriage. For sure it will only give one a clue about it...but then things might still change.

 

I think that if one were to respect marriage for what it's worth, then moving in together and this and that wouldn't be as needed. But since people are so quick to get divorced now...everything is needed.

 

As you might have guessed, I don't believe that it's nessesary to live together before marriage to "know" if it will work out. Marriage in my mind is about working it out...but I base a lot of my beliefs on my religious principles.

 

So I can see also why some would find moving in before marriage to be a good thing.

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