Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[pyropinup]

I haven't read all of this thread but Zorba you are making sense!! I've gone down this same path recently... with the help of some friends... It was tempting to take the low road with the naysayers and negativity that I shouldn't even try contacting him and to not be the bigger person... But, my gut tells me that isn't the right way to handle this. I hope that this guy I dated works on himself, maybe has a rebound or two, and then realizes that I am a great person who wants to be in a relationship with someone that wants one too, and he wants that relationship.. if not. pfffftttt I've grown up.

 

I've felt at peace for the first time in a month... it feels good!

[Morning]

Sometimes I feel that is just a bad dream, and when I'll wake up, he will be next to me.

[Morning]

I think that LC/NC is the best thing I can do right now.

But yesterday I had a thought, I am on NC because I don't think I should call him and ask how is he, its not my business any more and because NC is the best way to heal myself and let him go. But.....what if he doing the same thing? (he is the dumber, but he said that is hard for him too).

So it can be that I'm waiting him to call me first, he is waiting to my call, but no one gonna call. Wow its a huge chance that even when both of us will want to get back, we are not gonna to this, because of the NC thing.

[1TuffBabe]

I recently ended (kinda) a 10 month relationship with my boyfriend. This is exactly the kind of advice I needed! I found that he has memberships to at least 4 sex friend finder web sites that show he set up in feb and shows he sent women on there messages(denies it even tho iv seen them and KNOW beyond a doubt they are his). I actually saw those back in march and he told me that they were old accounts from when he was married. And now that I think about it I saw condoms in his concole of his truck back then too. He said they were from when he was married and thinking about cheating on his wife. Said he never did tho. It does look like he hadnt messed with them since i found them tho He's also told me how much he hates porn and guess what I found on his phone? Yup enough videos to stock a damn xxx store! Tho he has no clue how they got in his web history on his iPhone!!Not mad about the porn so much as the lying about it. I told him to leave (we've lived together for 3 months). I took his phone and left and found where he's been sending other girls pictures of himself on palringo. He says it's to get to know his allies on this dumb game he plays all day and night on his phone. I've seen the postings girls leave on his wall on the game and what he sends back. I'm broken hearted. He told me he loved me first and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him we r soul mates blah blah blah. He's a complete narcissist (seriously look it up) the definition fits him to a T! I let all my walls down for him, something I've never done b4. I have a 6yr old little girl who loves him. He has a 6 and 2 yr old girls that I love. And he just walks out (this happened Sunday). I told him to go yes but when he came back to get his stuff he was cold and didnt want to talk(I did cry and beg him to stay. A NoNo!) he said he's done then he said we need a break but I've txted him once to tell him we can work this out... No response ofcourse! That was Tuesday and I didn't beg or plead in it. Just said I know I've made some mistakes too and that I think he was right that we moved too fast and that I think we can get through this together. I haven't called or txted anymore except to tell him he can come get the rest of his things. I've been NC the rest of the time. He was supposed to come by thursday and txt to say he couldnt make it and i said No prob! That me and my daughter has plans ne ways. He asked if I had his passport n I said no I can't find it (that the truth!) but I do have his SS card. He said he needed that soon and I told him I can send it and he says he can come by this weekend or i can send it to him if I don't wanna c him. Don't know why he said that but I just ignored it. Told him I'd let him know. But my heart is shattered. I loved this man. BTW he's 33 and I'm 28 and we both met just b4 we both split from our marriages. He was married 10yrs and I 8yrs. I don't know how to let go and move on. Im the rebound. But why would he move in with me if he didn't love me? He left me with bills I don't know how I'm gonna pay and no answeres to my questions. There was no reason for him to b looking for anyone else. We had a great sex life and had so much in common! I don't get it! Also he has his own tile laying business so he had tons of time to cheat (something he posted in thos sex finder sites) * and he didn't do anything for my birthday cause "we don't have the money" and he was going behind my back and spending hundreds of $$ on that dumb game on his iPhone when we've been tight! How do I move on?? How do I start picking the pieces of my shattered heart up and put them all back together? He was my soul mate or so I thought. He was the first to say that too! He's coming over tomorrow to get the last of his things. I'm gonna b calm and agree that this is best. No crying or none of that bs. He told me when we first me that I'm the first girl he's ever chased (his brother said the same) and that he's used being chased and all that so I'm def not gonna do that crap! I'm gonna look smokin hot and show him that I don't need him that I'm over him. I don't. Don't change that I love him and miss him. But he's not gonna see it. I wonder tho if it's gonna make him come after me L8r. He hasn't txt me except for the times I've said so well see. If he can cop to what I've found and appologize I can take him back. But I'm gonna make him work for it. He's gonna miss me. ](*,)

[1TuffBabe]

Sometimes I feel that is just a bad dream, and when I'll wake up, he will be next to me.

 

Omg I feel the same. This is worse then my divorce. And my ex was psycho!!

[goldncalgirl]

well I was with him for almost 7 yrs. he left over a month ago. Met a woman online and left me with a 3 line note with his jeep keys. said he wasnt coming back! Found out he flew clear a cross the united states to be with this woman. which is totally not his type. She rides a harley and looks like she had a rough life if you know what I mean. He finally told me the reason for the break up was because I treated him like a roommate, I always went off on him, my boys always came first and he tried to tell me this but I wouldn't listen. Everything he said is true. We were engaged for 3 years, I was afraid to marry him due to pass marriages went bad after I married them. I witness the suicide from my second marriage that I never seeked help for. I am now getting the help with that and anger issues. He is living with this woman and within 1 month he MARRIED her! Wow I was in total shock! At that point I was having anxiety throughout my body(not good) I thought I was going into cardiac arrest. My heart was beating soo fast I can she it through my chest. 2 weeks before he married her he told me that he didn't love her and he didnt know if he wanted to come back to me. I need to get better! before I hung up I told him I love you he said I love you.

 

I feel it is a marriage on the rebound. I admit I did the texting thing. begged for him to come back. no answer! but it seems like just before the weekend he response to my text, because she is at work during the week and he will go the whole weekend not checking his text because she will be there.

 

I have talked to him twice on the phone since the break up. Both times he was crying! This is thing, The cell phone is on my account and I have continued to keep it on. I can see when he gets on the internet, who he calls and what time. Its like as soon as she leaves for work he is on and as soon as she comes home he turns the phone off and he gets on in the middle of the nite.

 

This is the thing he keeps telling me sell the jeep and turn the phone off. But last thursday when I found out he was married on my own. I have my ways! lol so I sent he a email saying more or less we were done! I didnt show anger in the letter, just the facts and how I felt what he did was so wrong to me and what comes around goes around. Have a nice life! so later that day when he must of read the email he texted me saying I am not answering you so turn the phone off. so I text back I will dont worry. We went back and fourth with a few texts. I told him that he owed it to me to say goodbye over the phone. said he will think about it. remind you he still didn't tell me he was married. I told him he was a coward! so the next mornng I text him to tell him if he doesn't answer me back I take it as a no! so he called me (he was crying) I ask him why he didn't tell me he was married. He said that he didn't want to broadcast it! hello most people do when they are happy! besides telling me was not broadcasting. He told me he really needs the phone, because he is looking for work not to turn it off. I said dont you have a house phone? he said yes. Then turn it off. I didn't respond to that. He keeps bringing up the crap I did. I think to justify his actions. He said that he had to go to the store and when he gets back he will call me. He said talk to you later. I said bye. It was like he was still with me when he said that. it was very weird?? he didn't call me back.

 

So later on I get a IM from him saying that was quick. I didnt know what he was talking about. He said no sim card. has phone started to act up and he thought I turned it off. I told him its still on. He said he will run to at&t store (before she gets home Im sure). remind you he really doesnt use the phone much. Now I am debating to turn the phone off on him. It just puts me in turmoil and I think that he knows he still has me on a string. what do any of you think?

[LarsWB]

He's MARRIED - cut him off 100%. He's a GROWN MAN. Let him figure it out himself. He got himself into this, let him get himself out of it.

[Kevo]

He's MARRIED - cut him off 100%. He's a GROWN MAN. Let him figure it out himself. He got himself into this, let him get himself out of it.

 

I'm with Lars.

[love4life]

Can't believe this thread is still alive and kicking, three years after I started it. It has certainly taken some twists and turns!!

[kiksok]

i have i serious problem. i was with my gf for almost two years. we were best of friends before that. somewhere along the way i got for some unknown reason, so scared of never being able to be with anyone else, that i after consideration (lots and lots) i decided to break things off with her. that was 8 months ago, we still saw each other and hung out after awhile, and in the end of this summer i realised she was the best person in my life and i love her with all my heart, so i told her that. what i didnt know, was that during the summer, she had started to communicate with this guy from her univers. but it wasnt something "serious". So she told the other guy, that she cant be with him right now, and came to me. Drinking has always been my problem, i have always been the sweetest guy to her when sober. but i lose my mind over little things when drinking - she left me, telline me she wasnt able to continue with me; even though it is very hard for her and she wants to remain friends with me. I quit drinking the day she said that and havent had a second thought about it ever again. after breaking up with me a week later she still went on to be with the guy she met in the summer.

 

Is there any hope for me at all of getting her back?

Im working on myself as it is, healing what drinking has done to me, working out and losing weight.

[Happens4aReason]

@ Zorba: Thank you for your wonderful post.. I read through this over and over.. It really helped me ...

 

I clicked on Reputation++ (Stars) for you ..

[Mills]

So.. what do you think...

 

My ex broke up with me about a month ago.. as soon as his new rebound (who btw is only 19 ..my ex is 24..and she goes to school an hour away) saw his relationship change on facebook she started contacting him. So throughout this month I have stayed in contact with him... we hooked up a couple times, he's drunkenly told me he doesn't have feelings for her like he does me blah blah blah yada yada yada... he even told me "she's just a rebound".

 

FINALLY today I got fed up with it. I told him look, i cant be friends. i still care about u like a girlfriend does, and i cant be your friend and pretend like i dont have feelings for you. if you dont wanna date me then its better if we both move on.

 

he said i dont understand, why cant we relax and if we talk we talk.\

 

i said thats being friends. im sorry it has to be this way but youve obviously already moved on so this is what i have to do to move on.

 

he said i understand, take care. if you ever need anything dont hesitate to talk to me.

 

 

I know i did the right thing for myself... Ive watched him text her (heck he had her pick him up frorm the bar, drop him off at home and then he called me to come stay the night this past weekend) and I couldn't handle it. Everytime I would talk to him, Id get my hopes up and Id also wonder if he was talking to her at the same time as he was talking to me. Liek what if I stayed in his life while he moved on and formed a new relationship with her, I knew I couldnt handle that.

 

The only thing Im wondering.. do you guys think he will come back? Im not even hoping he does, Im just curious..

[30yrold]

I think you are letting yourself be used, and he is getting the best of both worlds. There is no way he is going to break up with the new girl if you are giving it up, knowing full well he is attached to someone else. Why would he? I suggest following your plan of no contact, and healing up. If he attempts to contact you, ask if he is still dating someone. If the answer is yes, stop responding to him.

[kennyc90]

I always look back at this thread. It's intense and full of awesome information. The first time I read this thread, my ex has fallen in love with another man. Now, they're not even working out anymore, as far as I know.

[Mills]

I think you are letting yourself be used, and he is getting the best of both worlds. There is no way he is going to break up with the new girl if you are giving it up, knowing full well he is attached to someone else. Why would he? I suggest following your plan of no contact, and healing up. If he attempts to contact you, ask if he is still dating someone. If the answer is yes, stop responding to him.

 

 

Right, and I realized that he did have the best of both worlds.. the comfort of me still being there to talk to him and the comfort of the new girl to move on. So I ended it and told him we aren't speaking bc I need to move on.

 

I was just curious as to what everyone's opinions were if he'd try to contact me.... idk if i'd ever even take him back, I pretty much lost all trust, but it'd be a nice feeling for him to realize he made a mistake. lol

[RobD70]

I was just curious as to what everyone's opinions were if he'd try to contact me.... idk if i'd ever even take him back, I pretty much lost all trust, but it'd be a nice feeling for him to realize he made a mistake. lol

Yea he probably will, almost guarantee it. Most likely for a booty call or something though. Whatever you do, don’t give in or be nice because it will be to use you. Don’t respond to any “HAY THAR” types of contact and just ignore him until he makes it impossible to not to.

 

He’d ask you back once he realized you are not going to take him back and don’t care about him anymore. Kind of a catch-22, you can only get them when you no longer want them.

 

The more you ignore him, the more he'll suffer. Odds are he will contact you again sooner than later so you'll get your chance to blow him off soon enough I'm betting.

[kiksok]

This rebound relationship thing is way tough. When youre dumped, the other person says "Im sorry, I cant do this anymore. But we've been friends for so long and I would like that to still be there. This hurts me too". And then a week later, they're with someone else like nothing ever happened. Wth is that? I mean ok its one thing to break someone's heart - happens - but to piss on it afterwards? thats just illogical

[HISsuperEXgirl]

My boyfriend and I finally got back together after our longest break up ever so I'd like to share a few pointers that I've learned in the process of our long relationship. We got back together for good about 2 months ago. And although I stumbled upon this thread only 2 weeks ago, I realized after reading this that I had been applying some of the advice given here. I also realized that I had not been applying some of the good advice given here during the earlier part of our relationship which is why we always had problems, I hope these pointers will help everyone in this forum.

 

1. zorba was right, even people who aren't supposed to be together keep getting back together. broke up several times n

still together. And like he said, couples who stick together (or keep getting back together even after numerous break ups)

maintain a sexual attraction towards each other. Your ex may still be friends with you after your break up even if he's already found a rebound relationship due to his emotional attachment to you, BUT his sexual attraction towards you will make him want to go back to you-- but you have to give him an opportunity to MISS YOU (by going NC). I've lost count of how many times my bf and I have broken up. One thing's for sure, we are very, very much sexually attracted to each other, apart from being emotionally attached.

 

2. Take note that doing NC when using reverse psychology to get back an ex only works if you two were a couple for a long period of time, long enough for you two to have grown emotionally attached to each other already. We've been together for about 6 yrs with lots of break ups (I lost count) in between.

 

3. Don't waste your time doing NC for the sole reason that it gives you gratification to see your ex chasing after you. Again, like Zorba said in one of his posts, ask yourself first: Do I really want to get my ex back because I love him? Or do I want him to come running after me only because it'd hurt my pride if he doesn't (meaning you're only on selfish panic mode)

 

4. Zorba, was right: Before getting back with your ex, make sure that you've worked to improve on your self first, so that the

problems that you two had before you two split up wouldn't reoccur. Back then I was needy, clingy, paranoid and suspicious (due to lack of self esteem) and my life revolved around him. During the time that we were apart, I had time to work on

myself and "get myself back". What did I like to do, what were my passions, what was I good at, what was I best known for by my friends when my life didn't revolve around him? I worked on all these. I'm sure my bf's surprised (and maybe with newfound curiosity) how i've changed for the better and I'm sure he can see that my life no longer revolve around

him. I'm no longer that needy, clingy, suspicious/paranoid person that I was, as I am my own self now with my own life. I love my boyfriend very much and trust him when he's not around. I give him space when we're not together by not bombarding him with incessant calls/texts, while I lived my "life" knowing and feeling assured/confident now that we love and have each other for good.

 

5. VERY IMPORTANT: Do not keep using reverse psychology and NC on the same person over and over again, as it might desensitize your ex. Take me and my bf (former ex) for example. The first time we broke up and had NC, my world literally

fell apart. I lost a lot of sleep, lost weight, and my job was poorly affected. I went thru the begging and pleading stage while

he lived his life unaffected. The 2nd and 3rrd time we broke up (same bf), my feeling of pining for him and desperation was pretty the same as the first. The more he ignored me (not answering my calls, not replying to my texts no matter how many times I tried to get in touch), the more I missed him and chased him. A few more break ups after that -- it was still painful for me but not as painful as the first couple of break ups. I've lost count of how many break ups we've gone thru. All I know is that the last time me and my boyfriend broke up, I had resolved that I was really just tired of me always chasing after him, just tired. I did NC not with plans to go back to him one day after allowing him to chase him. I did NC because I simply wanted out of the relationship for good with no plans of coming back because I was really tired of the thought of having to chase after him again and simply stopped caring anymore, and I realized that I needed to give myself some self respect. The only reason why we are back together after ONE YEAR of me ignoring his calls/texts is because he used a new phone number to call me (I didn't know he got a new number), and I returned the missed call as I was curious who the caller was. Turned out it was him, so we finally talked, met up, and realized how much we so missed and still love each other -- and had wild make up sex My point here is, if you keep using reverse psychology and NC to get back an ex (if you two are the on-and-off relationship types), note that your ex might get de-sensitized in such a way that he/she might eventually not be affected with you doing reverse psychology and NC on him on her (like what happened in my case).

 

6. IMPORTANT: Know when to stop doing NC and get back with your ex. Within the 1 year that I did NC with my boyfriend (former ex boyfriend), I guess that my ex (who is now my boyfriend again) got so affected by my absence that he finally left the other girl (3rd party) for good. This 3rd party is one of the major reasons why we kept breaking up before. Within the 1 year that we were apart with no contact was the only time that he "really" left this 3rd party with finality. I did not know that he left her because we had NC (due to my plans of never getting back with him right?). The result: He had a rebound relationship with another girl yikes! Anyway, basically he dropped this rebound like a hot potato soon as I came back in the picture. Phew! I think I just got lucky. So again, know when to stop doing NC if you want to get back with your ex. I'm not sure if LC would've given me the same result because it's not what I used.

 

6. And lastly, should you get your ex back again, make sure that you exert all effort to STAY together (which is another reason why you should make sure that you really love your ex and want her back in your life forever before trying to win her back with any kind of "psychology"). Love each other unconditionally. I realize now that me and my boyfriend really love each other and I never want to leave him again. Now that I've changed for the better and we've realized what it's like not to have each other around, I've resolved to stay with him for good.

 

A few last words about what made me and my bf's relationship work and why we got back together since 2 months ago --> We separated in good terms (no quarrelling or shouting at each other or no disrepecting each other during the break up), I never bad mouthed his 3rd party (other girl) even if she bad mouthed me whenever she had a chance (must've been a huge turn off to my bf eventually; Made me look good without me trying hehe). And lastly, we were both patient.

[HISsuperEXgirl]

Sorry, after point number 6 is 7 haha. I didn't proof read from my notepad before copy pasting

[Mills]

Soooo.. intiated no contact yesterday but his birthday is in a couple weeks... do I send him a simple text saying "happy birthday. hope you're doing well." and just leaving it at that.. if he replies I wont say anything. But I will feel liek a bad person if I dont wish him happy birthday...

[QtPie]

I know that my ex is hurting since I've initiated NC. I was a weak sweet nice girl who gave and gave for years. He totally took advantage but when he saw that I put my foot down when he said he wasn't going to marry me. I took my things and left and never spoke to him again unless it was a one line email. I got a b-day card, an email about why he did it (((again))) because I truly needed salt in my wound in writing. Then his friends called and his sibling, all three told me he is a wreck, drinking all the time, isn't sure if he made the right decision, he misses my voice, doesn't want me to hook up. It's just stupid, I wish he would grow up and realize that what we had was seriously special and I know he feels (felt) that way too. It showed, until the last day we were together. I don't get it, are men really this scared of a commitment? What is the difference? its a piece of paper. We were already splitting bills, playing house - why is this so hard for people?

 

and no we didn't break up for a lack of love or cheating, as far as I know, there is no other person. I hope that is the truth anyway, its what it looks like and from what his friends said, its what it is.

[Bobbadoo]

A few weeks ago my ex called me and she was rethinking her decision for breaking up with me. She had a fight with her rebound and he didn't handle it the way she wanted which was the way I handled it with her. I let my feelings take over and comforted her and became her emotional crutch. She brought up the idea of reconciliation but only for the future so she wanted a security blanket. I told her it may or may not happen and if she does decide to get back it might be too late. Again I let my emotions take over and asked her out and start over. She hesitated and said not right now since she wants to be alone. So I brought up the question of why she started a new relationship with this person if she wanted to be alone. She replied saying she doesn't know and she is confused and doesn't know whats wrong with her. Anyways after that she said she wanted to see where her new relationship goes and does not want her new man to hate her or mad at her since they work together.

 

It seems as they made up though since I stumbled upon her facebook and saw that she posted a picture of her and her rebound on there which I had to block cause it hurt. I realized I made the mistake by talking to her so I have initiated NC and its been almost 2 weeks now and hopefully she realize that I was the better man (I feel like I am) and she will come running back. In the mean time though I got to explore other options and get myself back on my feet.

[Mills]

Ah! I initiated no contact with my ex a few days ago and today he messages me on fb chat with a legitimate question and so I answer it so i think thatll be it... but he keeps the conversation going.. asking what Im doing this wknd and if I went out last night. I kept it REAL short and finally said gtg get ready for work. ttyl. and signed offline. When I got back online later he even asked another question after I said I had to go.. but I had already signed off... * * * is his deal!

[bungalo]

Your post was very inspiring SuperX...Good for you for hanging in there, and putting yourself first with the last breakup, and winding up with a win-win. A year of NC sounds like a Decathalon, but as you said, the only reason you called the number back was because you didn't know it was him!

[HISsuperEXgirl]

Thanks, bungalo. I wanted to give inspiration to everyone in this thread, which is exactly why i posted my "happy ending". I felt pity for those here who posted their sad stories. I could relate to those stories, as reading them made me remember those previous years when me and my boyfriend would break up -- all those days of literally crying while crouched on the floor at the corner of my bedroom. I lost a lot of weight during our first break up because I couldn't get enough sleep at night due to the heart ache. It was very, very painful then. I didn't feel that kind of pain anymore during our last breakup because I was just too tired (probably desensitized too).

 

I wanted to let everyone know thru my testimonial that using reverse psychology isn't just a theory -it really works if you have the patience to follow the good advice of the nice people here (Zorba and love4life to name a few). Then again, I wouldn't have followed thru had i not had the genuine intention of letting go of the relationship for good. Good thing he got himself a new number though. On the other hand, if we didn't end up together again, it's still all good because I got myself back and have worked on what i needed to improve on, which would be good if i ended up with another guy in the future. There's hope, bungalo Hang in there. This is the perfect time for you to get back in touch with your friends, have fun, work on yourself (the usual: exercise, excel in your job, get a haircut, etc), visit your parents, do the things you liked doing but didn't have the time to do when you and your ex were still together. Just keep yourself distracted.

 

For the gentlemen and ladies out there who are currently in a relationship, please love and value your partners. Don't take your partners for granted no matter how you think your partner loves you more than you do him/her.