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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life

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Hey guys! need help...

 

I had almost let go of my relationship and went back to who I used to be (strong and confident) reading this thread made me realized I didn't want to give up just yet.

 

But I need to know if I screwed up beyond repair or not...

 

1-We broke up february

 

2-We have very LC because she contacts me for bills and formalities

 

3-She starts a rebound in March (not aware at the time)

 

4-NC until april for her birthday, I propose to catch up for old times for her birthday (small social circle), she's hesitant but when she reads my apology and move on letter, she cant do it

 

5-I LC in April for formalities. I cut off all utilities under my name and transfert them at her name, she's surprised and asked me why I havent talk to her about it

 

6-Following up on the formalities, I call her and she cries because she thinks she's sick in front of rebound...She purposely made the rebound answer...(First time I'm aware)

Offered assistance because I wasnt sure he was a BF. She accepts all of my help. I call a 2nd time and offer to go to doctor with her. She's surprise and tells me she taught I didn't care about her anymore. Because of her health, I said I care then she announce that it was her new BF. I stayed calm and apologize for bothering them and gracefuly exit the situation.

 

7-She wrote me not to worry for her health and invite me to a restaurent with her bestfiend to exchange the last of my stuff

 

8-I very gracefuly but firmly declined, proposed mail service and told her that the break up was for the best for both of us, I moved on and going NC

 

9-Met a girl beginning April and posted on Windows live a pic of us yesterday. She doesnt know the status , if its a friend or gf or rebound....just a pic...

 

10-NC until she breaks NC...

 

Facts:

 

-I never brought up their relationship

-Never begged to get her back or pleaded to get her back

-I took responsibility for my mistakes in my letter in march and apologize.

-She said to a friend it was likely she would come back to my life in the future (don't know in which form), friend would tell me the details but said she doesnt deserve me.

-6 years relationship, very powerful bond that we had and she had a hard time letting go.

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My girlfriend and I were together for 5 years. The past one year was kind of turbulent, being we were on and off again. Given that she was the one doing the 'breaking up' and she's always come back a few days later. We'd lived together for almost 5 of those years and we recently started living in separate houses. One day she comes home and tells me she's moving to Texas to live with her brother. I thought well, maybe the distance would be good for us, so I was okay with this. After living separate for awhile she comes to my house we're doing real well, we have sex, and then a conversation. She talks about how she feels bad that she's moving away and starts crying. Talks about how she wants an 'open' relationship and how I do not want that so we agree that breaking up is best. I do not talk to her for 15 days and she moves to Texas. She writes to me tells me how she is doing and then I see that some guy is leaving comments on her myspace like, "I love you baby, I miss you wish I could hold you" so I get super upset that she has already moved on. I tell her thanks for being honest and tell her goodbye. She had met this guy before through her sister. I'm pretty sure he's a rebound and she wouldn't cheat on me, but pretty sure that's why she wanted an 'open' relationship. But she swears to me that she had no feelings for him while we were together and I believe her.

 

 

So I'm pretty sure he is a rebound, since she tells me she still loves me. But I told her not to tell me this and save it for her new boyfriend. I told her that I wished her the best and hope true happiness finds her. We've been NC for a few days..and I plan on not talking to her again. Before we broke up she wasn't sure if she wanted to marry me.

 

I'm pretty sure she's really confused but also I guess she's more attracted to him.

 

I'm really bummed out, like the rest of you. But we'll move on! I do have a little bit of hope that we will be reconciled but not resting my laurels on it.

 

Advice?

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I was wondering if you could tell me what you think.

 

I was with my gf for 12 years. We have 2 girls. 10 years ago she left me and meed a guy that was in the middle of a divorce. Hedumped her to go back to his wife. She ran back to me. We have not been getting along for 2 years. She has been streesed so have I. She got out of school started a job got cut back on hours then started a nother job. She is a nurse and works 12 hr grave yard shift. She dumped me mid January and told me that she cant make me happy. I did all of the dump stuff and ever cuttled with her and was sleeping at our house. I got my own place. At the time I saw that she opened a link removed site. I asked her about is and she said she just wanted to be loved. Two weks later the guy from 10 years ago contacted her. About 2 months after she left me. we were together for 12 years total. He is in his second marrage and has been apart from her for 8 months. but just filed for divorce. They started sleeping together two week into it. he gos out with them as a family and stayes at her house. She told me he is going to be in her life forever. I when lc for a couple weeks. But still have to talk because of the kids. We when to court yesterday and she wanted to talk after about the kids. She got really mad and lost it. she called me ten minutes later screeming at me asking why am I so mad at her. I was calm and wasn't mad. She also will not bring up the ng like she is still hidding him. She sent me a text saying how hard it is not being friends and that she wishes that she could disconect but that she can't.

What should I do?

Is she in a rebound or is he?

I am moving on and would like to be with her down the road.

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  • 2 weeks later...

here is my story on her and I.

 

update. after she sent me a text "i am so proud of you" i waited 3 wks to respond, which now i think was a mistake. she has broken it off with the rebound and is now seeing an old friend from high school. my response was kindof funny too me but maybe not to her. i wrote " proud of me" well better late than never" i asked " how are you?" she commented "her divorce is final and she misses church" i think i missed an opportunity to see where we could take this. i mentioned that her and her bf should get tix to a concert thats coming up and she said coool. i guess i was letting her know im over her in a way. I MESSED UP.

i went back to NC. well yesterday a female friend of mine ran into in KMart and told her i still miss her and i talk about her. her comment was she misses church and she is seeing a high school friend. funny how she wanted to let her know she was seeing someone other than the first rebound from me. i feel like she made me look like a beta male by missing her. also the communication in my opinion through the texts wasnt great. i told her when she mentioned she misses church, that church misses her and they ask about her. i think i have set her up thinking she can have me when she wants. i guess i need a complete reset and go NC till who knows when? i am making mistakes out of hurt and its not winning her back. its re-emphasizing neg. emotions she has about me which has to change. my instincts are to go NC. any thoughts on whats going to work?

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Hello, I only registered on here to get some of you wise peoples advice/perspective on my own situation...

I got into a relationship with someone and everything was going really well and we were happy and had just slowly started to tell each other we loved each other, just short of 6 months together he asked me to go on holiday with him so he could obviously see a future with me then but shortly after that he became distant and two weeks later he split up with me. He gave me loads of different reasons (excuses) so I'm still unsure of what the real reason was. It was hard but I tried to accept it and not beg or anything. We both go out in the same town so I was always bound so see him on nights out...ONE week after finishing with me he started 'seeing' another girl who he said was an old flame. She had just got out of a long, serious relationship herself but it wasn't her choice. Anyway, we had a chat a few days after splitting just to confirm that it was the end so I would know to give up hope, he was nice to me, said he felt terrible for ending it and it wasn't fair but he just suddenly didn't feel the same any more and said he hoped we could talk every now and again but I said it would be too hard right away so maybe in a few months. He totally blanked me when I saw him out the first few times but then it changed and now he stares at me (and even my brother) and always seems to be a few feet away when I'm dancing with my friends. It's confusing to me because I just want to forget about him and move on and that's what he said I should do but it's hard when he's everywhere I look. Now I totally blank him and just have a good time, laughing, dancing etc. I've heard from a few people that his new relationship isn't going too well and that they've been arguing and falling out already which we never did. During our relationship there were a few times he showed insecurity about me talking to other men but his new girlfriend always seems to be around other men and actually flirting which I would think he'd hate. After absolutely no contact he texted me to wish me a happy birthday, I didn't know it was him until I checked the number with a mutual friend because he didn't reply when I said thanks and asked who it was...I've heard that his own Dad (and his friend has said) that he doesn't know what he wants. Also, he told me he was inexperienced with relationships and hadn't been in one for years, so at nearly 24 (and I've just turned 20...young I know) I was his first serious girlfriend. Sorry it's long just didn't want to leave anything out! Just want to know if people think there's any hope for us starting again at some point in the future? Although he's really hurt me and I am starting to move on I do know that I love this person so want to know if it's worth keeping in the back of my mind? Thanks for any replies, any input would be much appreciated!

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Hello, I only registered on here to get some of you wise peoples advice/perspective on my own situation...

 

Go start your own thread in "breaking up" or "healing after breaking up" then. Nobody's going to find this at the back of a 1,000+ thread.

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Thanks I had a read, Zorba's advice is very helpful. My ex is actually in a relationship with a girl who is almost certainly on the rebound herself, the things about it moving fast with the "I love you"s etc seems to ring true in this situation. I suppose all I can do is wait and hope, while keeping my own self respect and dignity.

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  • 3 weeks later...

*ouch*. Day one.

 

I am in kind of a weird but kind of unique situation.

 

I was in a relationship that wasn't, with a woman, that wasn't quite divorced when we first met as "friends"

 

We had *instant* attraction. It was kind of long distance type of romance.. but she never let it get to the level of 'relationship'.

 

So on we go, keep on doing the fwb thing, and it got really really cosy. I ended up going to the lake one weekend with her to meet with her best friend+husband, and brother+wife, and kids, and I was nervous (she had kids and I've never dated anyone with kids) and i proceeded to 'over control' things, 'babysit the kids (I was nervous, trying to prove I was a good babysitter I guess).. got drunk, and made an absolute ass out of myself.

 

She "bailed" me out of the situation.. I humilated and embarassed her in front of everybody, and made a fool out of myself. She continued to see and talk to me the whole time.

 

Well the year went by. We see each other sporadically, she has three kids who are her heart and soul and her life, but always keeping her distance from me. It got cosy, and she started to become much more romantic a few months ago.. but kept her distance enough I told her I had to move on and she was so flexible it was amazing.. she didn't want to hold me back.

 

Then, as I set up a date, and kind of started to 'transition' from her, because her life was seemingly too complicated to commit to (and honestly after the lake fiasco she couldn't involve me in anything social) I ended up just seeing her directly and being hidden. The whole time my feelings were growing and she wouldn't commit.

 

Then, I get this magic *news* that she doesn't want to lose me, the week before the date. She has strong attraction to me and wants to find a way to make it work. I break the date, but I don't tell HER I break the date (she can't control me).

 

Then, after "the date" which I lied about going on (by this time I'm in love with her and know it) she changes her mind and tells me she decided not to try after all.

 

Long story short, it's been push and pull, but she won't commit. I have been mister security blanket for her, mister crutch, mister go to sex fwb guy, and mister hear my terrible story about my ex husband guy. I really fill a void in her life.

 

But she decided not to commit, and after she told me she wanted a relationship, then changed her mind, I kept pushing. She then hates/blames me for pushing.

 

All of a sudden, I resemble ex husband, and her temper becomes much more visible. I am getting to her and my pushing is getting under her skin.

 

I want a commitment, she doesn't want a commitment to *anyone*. She reserves the right to "see other people" and her sex life is her business even though we had kind of a monogamous "agreement" that stood right up to now.

 

My insecurity destroyed us in that I was too impatient to just go with the flow until we had a chance.. but she doesn't want a relationship with anyone.

 

And now, because we have such a brutal history between us, I have no choice but to let go and go n/c, because I feel, an awful lot like I'm about to become the friend she doesn't want to lose, the crutch she doesn't want to lose, and she wants to "just be friends" until she is through with the divorce stuff.

 

She has had nine or ten years of being stuck in a bad marriage, and I have well over ten years of not being involved in any relationships.

 

So my quick and easy question is this: When she thought I was going to start dating other people, she immediately started speaking for me, and speaking her mind. When the "threat" was gone, she withdrew, and started telling me she just didn't want "anyone" in her life. WHY won't she give me "A" chance? And even stranger, she told me she has been giving me a chance all along but has retained so much control over the situation she would never flat out TELL me, she was putting me on a 'trial' basis, and always kept her distance? What the Heck is she doing?

 

Now I find myself wondering.. because she is practically begging me to always be her friend.

 

I initiated "no contact" tonight, based on reading close to the first forty pages of this post. I don't see any 'rebounder' in my midst, I just see a commitment-phobic woman in my present situation.. and yeah, I'm coming accross as pushy and needy, when the fact is, this is probably the most I've felt for anyone in my life.

 

I don't know if i want advice, or if someone thinks I'm completely insane for getting emotionally involved in a woman's life who is slowly but surely easing me into a friend zone position in her life. And she's not forthcoming about what she's feeling about me, or where she wants or needs me.. but she does "want to see what's out there".

 

I don't know if there's hope or not, but I finally took the bullet and said I want more, she almost absolutely insists that I don't wait for her.. she doesn't want to hold me back.

 

I have a woman, with completely honest intentions, who is the greatest friend I've known. But when I tried to move on the first time she yanked my chain.

 

So what do ya do, when there IS no rebound relationship, that I know of? But she still just doesn't want to take a leap and trust again?

 

I really hope there's some support here, because she insists she needs me as a friend right now, and I know for a fact, being a friend and allowing her to be free to date is an insecure ridiculous notion I have of being set aside as a crutch for the first potential rebounder she decides to pursue.. so I nipped it in the bud and decided to leave her completely alone without my support at all.

 

So what is better? no contact, or Lc?

 

Or am I just the most selfish jerk in the world right now for wanting a real concrete chance?

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Zorba your wisdom and your integrity means a lot to me after reading your posts. I truly have the best intentions at heart and in mind.. I don't want to 'manipulate' this one.. I really want to do what mother nature and fate calls..

Could you break it down for me fella? If you're still out there?

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I have been in and out of these boards and they really help.

 

Anyway, me and the ex girlfriend broke up. We had our problems, lived with each other for a year, and then she broke it off. It was the right thing to do at the time, even though the fact that she broke it off hurt.

 

I posted on here, mainly saying negative things about her (during the anger part on my part I guess).

 

I did the usual begging and that, then left her alone. Funny, as soon as I did that she started the whole "let's be friends". She is determined to stay friends. We work together (she leaves in 5 weeks to go back home 150 miles away). We live in the UK.

 

So, the last couple of weeks we email and hang out and get on really well. Part of me wanted to ignore her but most of me still wants her.

 

She has her faults (spoilt, quite selfish) but there is something there. Something she undoubtedly recognises as she is upset that I am seeing someone else, although she is appearing cool, but with elements of jealous with it.

 

I told her on Thursday that I need to stop seeing her, hanging out at work, emailing, texting etc as it is not fair, especially as she goes soon.

 

My dilema is that she is stubborn and will just let it go (especially as she will have been justifying the break up to her friends and family - who really liked me). If I don't hang out and "be there" in her last few weeks she will go (she is priviledged and has plenty to "distract" her). She believes in fate and has said if are meant to be, we will be. I am concerned she will let it go now, and it will be too late when (and I know it will happen) she regrets. I honestly know how she operates and I know it will happen.

 

Do I leave her with LC (we have house stuff to sort out), or has the NC/LC been and gone and for reconcilation I need to continue being her "friend", hanging out and acting cool?

 

I appreciate every relationship/breakup is unique, and I have only given a very brief outline as to what happened, but I would appreciate your advice.

 

She has no one down here, do I "help" her now until she goes, or do I leave it?

 

If anyone needs any more details I will happily fill them in, in order to get accurate advice/responses.

 

thanks

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Thanks I had a read, Zorba's advice is very helpful. My ex is actually in a relationship with a girl who is almost certainly on the rebound herself, the things about it moving fast with the "I love you"s etc seems to ring true in this situation. I suppose all I can do is wait and hope, while keeping my own self respect and dignity.

 

I am in the same boat. My ex has been with this new guy for a week and the "I love yous" have already been exchanged. Took them maybe 2-3 days for that. Now they are talking kids and possibly moving in together.

 

I just can't stop laughing

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I dug this old thread out that I posted a few years back. I posted it originally to highlight another members discussion of waiting on an ex who may be in a rebound. You really only need read the original post in the thread were I highlighted AnonyomusMGs words.

 

 

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I dug this old thread out that I posted a few years back. I posted it originally to highlight another members discussion of waiting on an ex who may be in a rebound. You really only need read the original post in the thread were I highlighted AnonyomusMGs words.

 

]

 

Agreed 100%..

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I honestly am approaching the point where I am evaluating the whole thing. She's not 'with' anyone else, she's not 'dating' she has been 'seeing' me for the last year or so, but wants to finalize her divorce, which, with three kids (two from this marriage) is difficult.. She's still fighting a huge emotional battle with her (separated) husband of about two years..

I even had to "let her go" once (and it freakin hurt but it was absolutely necessary for her to find "closure")

 

And now I find myself evalating the obvious. Is it worth all this effort to try and convince her to even form the most basic of "commitment"? with me? She's a commitment-phobe now, or acting like it. Wants to be alone and free, continue whatever the hell it is we have (rebound relationship/comfortable fling) But avoids any and all "risks" that a possible relationship might bring.

 

Truth is, I tried no contact for a few days and SHE initiated the return to this whole thing with an apology after I had written the "goodbye for now, I don't think we should be friends for a while, with a few texts apologizing.. "Apparently I am selfish and self-indulgent" etc.

 

She's not a beauty queen, and I accept her as she is. I know I could have better, manipulate better situations for myself, find someone who could care about me more, and be more "into" me.. I am stubborn I suppose..

 

But I find myself feeling forced to let her go.. and I'm stuck on the bonding we have done in other aspects of our lives. Not maintaining it, I feel I would lose more than I have.. albeit delaying the inevitable.. It's not IF she is going to hurt me at this point.. She defends her right to be free or date other people.. and reserves the right to determine "when" the sex, or the time we spend together, or the intimacy, stops.

 

It's not "IF" she is going to hurt me, it's her having complete control over "when".

 

Honestly, I'm seriously on the fence about completely and utterly telling her off, but each time she does, she is always much more justified in her master plan. She's scared of losing the friendship, but she is not scared enough to realize she is throwing me away piece by piece, and it's only a matter of time before I intervene with my dignity.

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  • 2 weeks later...

To Zorba,

 

I really like your theory. I'm wondering if you can give me some suggestions. my ex and I were in a long distance relationship. I'm a one month and 20 days NC. We chatted on gtalk for 3 times like friends. Later I found out he's talking to so many girls and trying to get a girlfriend ASAP. (ps. he's not good looking but very good at flriting). I think his look is delaying him from getting a new girlfriend. (I'm sorry it's a mean thing to say.) So... accoridng to your theory, all the girls he's trying to flrit are more expensive pairs of shoes themselves even with me out of the picture. As soon as I found out he's shamelessly flirting with every girl he sees, I blocked him from my gtalk and cut all the connections. I hope I did the right thing. There's one thing that I know for sure is that he's feeling depressed because of the break up. I'm a little worried that I left him without contacting him for a long time and he'll eventually get a girlfriend and move on. honestly, I feel stupid but I still want him back. Do you think it is a good idea to call him in a few days? If so, what should I say?

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Welcome to ena wai. Zorba no longer posts here, however you are welcome to start a new thread in this forum where many helpful individuals can give you advice.

 

Thank you. I'm new to this forum. I hope someone can answer my question.

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