Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[professorplum]

No problem. 40 is nothing Aquarius. In my own experience there are some very beautiful women at that age. For what it's worth my feeling is that it is probably nothing to do with your age and you are perhaps adding this to the equation to make yourself unhaapier. Not sure how long you have been broken up but NC of 2 weeks is nothing although it will feel like a lifetime. Try and keep it going. You never know he may want to come back eventually and you will almost certainly not care at that stage. If you have dated already, you must have other guys who are interested so please don't think you are old and ugly but more a case that he grew out of love for some reason. Nothing you did necessarily. I have a female friend who was 18 years older than her bloke. They were together for 3 years and she was the one who finished it because she felt he was too much like a child and was having to look after him. I am not saying that would have happened to you but it is an interesting alternative viewpoint.

[Aquarius71]

Professorplum, thank you once again for you kind words, it's so beautiful to think that a total stranger is dedicating a little of his time to take care of my sadness. It's very kind of you. Yes, it's true what you said: if he will come back, it will be when I'm over him and I don't care anymore! This thought makes me so angry!!!! Today I miss him so much, must have been his birthday and me not texting him on that day. It's so sad that two people that once were so close are now like two strangers. So sad... And all the efforts you put into a relationship to know one another... all waisted... What sometimes makes me really angry, above all, is that in my last message I wrote him that I agreed with the breakup, that it was the best for us both, and acted like I was fine. And he was like: "Hi (he used my name, not the loving petname he used before, that almost killed me, so distant and cold/formal) I'm really happy you're okay, see ya!" And then... silence. He never texted me again. So what about the famous friendship he wanted at the beginning? Is friendship based on silence? why he just can't ask me how my weekend was, like a normal friend would do? He doesn't text me not to give me some hope? He's afraid I might start to beg for him to come back? He still has feelings for me and exchange texts would upset him? No, the last one cant' be, he was very clear in his statement: "I don't love you anymore." So I got it and... I don't know... I'm just so sad today, I almost cry at work, had to fight back the tears, never happened before. He just erased me, he doesn't want me even as just a friend. It's like I never existed in his life, like I never hugged him when he was sad, like I never kissed him, never was there form him when he needed me (and viceversa). Was the last year just a pleasant dream with an orrible end? I'm so tired of feeling so low. There are days when I feel fine, but it's not the kind of "I feel fine" that I experienced in various moments of my life, moments where the world was fair and I was at peace with myself. I wish I knew what the future will bring. Thanks for your patience in reading this.

[Aquarius71]

Today I'm drowning in my own tears. In the past two weeks I thought I felt better, but in the undergrownd I could feel the wave of pain getting closer, getting bigger, and today it finally hit me. I'm crying and crying and crying, I miss him, I want him back, I don't want him to be with another woman, he's not even sendin me a message from time to time to ask what i'm up to. He erased me. He's * * * * ing his girfriend like a pig and I'm just some ghost from the past. I can't stand the pain. I'm thiking about killing myself, here is the truth. I'm a failure as a human being, I'm even not capable of keeping a man by my side.

[Destiny2112]

Today I'm drowning in my own tears. In the past two weeks I thought I felt better, but in the undergrownd I could feel the wave of pain getting closer, getting bigger, and today it finally hit me. I'm crying and crying and crying, I miss him, I want him back, I don't want him to be with another woman, he's not even sendin me a message from time to time to ask what i'm up to. He erased me. He's * * * * ing his girfriend like a pig and I'm just some ghost from the past. I can't stand the pain. I'm thiking about killing myself, here is the truth. I'm a failure as a human being, I'm even not capable of keeping a man by my side.

 

Sweetie, don't say this, it's not true and you know it!!! It's definetely your ex's loss, if he doesn't see what he lost by leaving you!!

Believe me, I know these thought so very well, just thinking of my ex with his fiancee, all the stuff they are doing together, it's KILLING! I know so well, HOW much it hurts, the pain is almost unbearable! Not only that your ex left you, but even worse than that, he is with another woman now... I envied her so much, for being the one by his now, for being loved by him... me, well, I'm nothing anymore, a distant memory from the past... these feelings really really suck. For me, night were the worst! When I heard the news, he got engaged to her already, all I could do when I lied in bed at night, was seeing the images of them together and I couldn't stop crying, I felt SO miserable, just not good enough, my self esteem was at the lowest point ever...unfortunately I can't offer much advice... the only thing I can tell as usual is, it does get better in time... in November, when the news of the engagement reached me, I was a mess...but now, the thoughts of them together don't hurt as much anymore... of course, I still hate the fact and still wished, none of it would have happened, everything was just find....but I know, the only solution for me is to somehow learn to cope with it. What helps me sometimes, when I'm getting sad again, is that I'm pretending, the person he WAS, when he was with me, is "dead", doesn't exist anymore... and whenever the images of him and her pop up again, I immediately try to think of something else, it's hard and doesn't always work, but it does help, at least a bit...sorry that I can't offer any better advice...I wish I could...

 

I hope it helps you, to know, you aren't the only one going through this! Being left for someone else, is the WORST

[Aquarius71]

Nothing seems to help. They say move on, have fun, date other guys. Well, I did all that, only to end up wanting him back more than ever, suffering even more than the first moments after the break up. How's that? my birthday is getting closer, and I will feel miserable if the writes a cold birthday message and I will feel the same if he doesn't write. I didn't wish him happy birthday, what can he possibly think? that I'm a stupid woman that first says she agrees with the break up and then doesn't even wish him happy brithday. He must think I'm a psychopathic jerk.

[professorplum]

I am really sorry to hear how badly you are feeling. From what you have said and how you are feeling, this is likely to take months to get over. It is going to be an up and down journey and you will have some very bad days on the way. I assume you are coping at work ok. Are there plenty of girl friends and family to keep you company and to support you? You must stop thinking about them together. This is the most painful bit of all. I do not know what her new man looks like so it is a little easier for me. If you do know, I can understand the need to dwell but you mustn't. Only allow him so much time per day and then try to devote the rest of your day to other things. Try to have one positive thought / experience per day.

 

I say again, if there are men who want to date you then you must be attractive and you are exuding some kind of charisma in spite of your pain and it is a case of eventually finding the right one for you if you eventually want to move on to someone else. Hang in there like me. Keep strong and hopefully the pain will be easier by the summer. Pm me if you want to rant or need an ear at any time.

[Aquarius71]

Thanks folks, you're helping me a lot. Today I feel better, yesterday was a total hell for me, but I think I just needen to vent a lot of pain that I had kept inside of me since his birthday. Now I'm really scared about MY birthday, february 10. What if he text me something like this: "You forgot about my birthday and..." I don't know what he'll write, but what if he starts by stressing the fact that I didn't whished him happy birthday? I want to stay NC, but I feel like a very bad mannered person, that's it. If he'll write a simple "happy birthday" and I will not reply, will he think I'm a very nasty person? I know that the best thing I can do now is to stay NC, to become a ghost. You know, what I'm about to say will make you laugh, but last week I saw "Ice age 3" and there was Scrat falling in love with Scratte, leaving his acorn alone. What follows are various scenes of Scrat with Scratte doing all the things lovers do, while the acorn stand alone, watching them from afar. What happens? in the end Scrat goes back to the acorn. As I watched this movie I thought it was a weird coincidence that I was to see it while going through this horrible period. I took it as a sign, as crazy at it may sound. I will stay NC. I must be strong, I don't want to let him know I'm still here, I want him to think I have gone for good. I think that if, one day, he'll want to come back, he won't think about his or my birthday, am I right? If he will discover that he still loves me and want to be with me again, the past won't matter at all. I think that disappearing from each other life is the only way to understand if we both want to really be together. We won't text each other or see each other for months, maybe for the rest of the year, complete silence, like we never met. He'll stay with his girlfriend, I will date other guys and always doing something in the weekend (I refuse to stay home alone, no way, eventhough I'm not in the mood to go out I will go out!), I will think about what went wrong in the relationship and I will focusing on correcting my flaws. I don't know if he'll do the same, I hope so, eventhough I think he jumped into another relationship too soon, but that's just my opinion. So I will live the best I can, I will try to have fun, and I will patiently waiting until he comes back or until my love for him desappears. Who knows. They say they come back when you don't love them anymore, so I think that's exactly what will happen. I wonder what will he text me the day he'll realize I'm the one he want to be with. Maybe he'll simply text me out of the blue saying how are you?" And I won't reply 'cause it's not a message about reconciliation! Imagine that! I wonder what they do when they decide they want to get back with you? They text you everyday? How can you know if they simply want to know how are you doing or if they're trying to restablish contact in order to get you back? I'm rambling here, sorry. Thanks, you're wonderful people

[Aquarius71]

Thanks folks, you're helping me a lot. Today I feel better, yesterday was a total hell for me, but I think I just needen to vent a lot of pain that I had kept inside of me since his birthday. Now I'm really scared about MY birthday, february 10. What if he text me something like this: "You forgot about my birthday and..." I don't know what he'll write, but what if he starts by stressing the fact that I didn't whished him happy birthday? I want to stay NC, but I feel like a very bad mannered person, that's it. If he'll write a simple "happy birthday" and I will not reply, will he think I'm a very nasty person? I know that the best thing I can do now is to stay NC, to become a ghost. You know, what I'm about to say will make you laugh, but last week I saw "Ice age 3" and there was Scrat falling in love with Scratte, leaving his acorn alone. What follows are various scenes of Scrat with Scratte doing all the things lovers do, while the acorn stand alone, watching them from afar. What happens? in the end Scrat goes back to the acorn. As I watched this movie I thought it was a weird coincidence that I was to see it while going through this horrible period. I took it as a sign, as crazy at it may sound. I will stay NC. I must be strong, I don't want to let him know I'm still here, I want him to think I have gone for good. I think that if, one day, he'll want to come back, he won't think about his or my birthday, am I right? If he will discover that he still loves me and want to be with me again, the past won't matter at all. I think that disappearing from each other life is the only way to understand if we both want to really be together. We won't text each other or see each other for months, maybe for the rest of the year, complete silence, like we never met. He'll stay with his girlfriend, I will date other guys and always doing something in the weekend (I refuse to stay home alone, no way, eventhough I'm not in the mood to go out I will go out!), I will think about what went wrong in the relationship and I will focusing on correcting my flaws. I don't know if he'll do the same, I hope so, eventhough I think he jumped into another relationship too soon, but that's just my opinion. So I will live the best I can, I will try to have fun, and I will patiently waiting until he comes back or until my love for him desappears. Who knows. They say they come back when you don't love them anymore, so I think that's exactly what will happen. I wonder what will he text me the day he'll realize I'm the one he want to be with. Maybe he'll simply text me out of the blue saying how are you?" And I won't reply 'cause it's not a message about reconciliation! Imagine that! I wonder what they do when they decide they want to get back with you? They text you everyday? How can you know if they simply want to know how are you doing or if they're trying to restablish contact in order to get you back? I'm rambling here, sorry. Thanks, you're wonderful people

[professorplum]

I think if you do hear on your birthday eg a card, a text whatever, you judge your response at the time depending on what you receive. I don't see the harm of a short Thanks for the thought or Cheers for the message if you feel you want to reply. But don't expect anything else. Yes strictly speaking you are breaking NC but if it is going to worry you about being rude / ignoring etc then it is much better just to acknowledge the thought if it happens. You need to prepare yourself that you might not hear at all and as I said before, have plans for the day anyway and enjoy yourself. It is your day, your birthday and he mustn't be allowed to spoil it. I don't think what he does or doesn't do on your birthday will be influenced by your decision to ignore his birthday. It was perfectly reasonable that you chose to 'forget' his day. He will be aware of the special significance of your day for years to come but what he chooses to do with that information is anybody's guess. He won't need much of an excuse to get back in touch with you if and when he wants to.

 

To answer your question at the end of the message you often don't know if they simply want to find out how you are doing or if they're trying to re-establish contact and again I think you are worrying about things that at the moment are hypothetical. Cross that bridge if and when it happens. You need to have moved on and be in a position to deal with that scenario if it occurs. In order to get there you need to follow the advice from all these wise individuals on these various threads. I am realising that myself. ENA is a life saver and I think we are lucky to have found it. Keep strong.

[Aquarius71]

Ok, so today is my birthday and he's ignoring it like I ignored his. How did it come to this? We were so close. I hope he's happy with his new girlfriend.

[crabman]

I hope he's happy with his new girlfriend.

 

in case you don´t mean it ironically, it´s a good way to handle the situation. it helps a lot to give someone selfless love without expecting anything back.

 

pure love..

[crabman]

I have a theory that if the dumpee remains in the picture, the rebound will become a successful relationship; while if the dumpee leaves, the dumper is more likely to become newly attracted to the missing dumpee, and return. [...]

Does anyone have examples that would "prove" this theory? Or examples that completely negate it?

 

I left my exex alone in absolut NC after she broke up. she dated another guy, maybe he was the reason for the BU, i´ve never found out. now, almost 2 years later they are still together..

 

probably he just fits better to her, makes thinks better then i did.

what ever, i suffered for so long and now i don´t care anymore at all..

and that´s the best lesson i have ever learned!

[pingu45s]

Heres my story chaps.

 

 

 

Strangely feel better about the situation now I know shes seeing someone else as I supose it is not closure, but she got together with him a month after we split, and swears he wasnt on scene prior to that (which I believe) just can't believe that it is not a rebound situation. What do you guys think?

[Mills]

My ex and I broke up in September... it's been back and forth for months, me worrying about his rebound and him sort of pitting us against each other.. him mostly lying to her about hanging out with me or talking to me or staying with me... finally last weekend we decided to take time away from each other because every couple weeks we'd get into a fight over her. I couldn't handle him even hanging out with her, even though he says they don't hook up anymore.. I don't really believe him. Also, she is 17.. we are both 24.

 

Anyway, it's been 5 days since we last spoke, the longest we've gone... I wonder, is it too late, did I wait too long to go NC on him? I hope now that he only has her to talk to and get attention from that he realizes what he lost at some point. It would be nice for him to come crawling back, just for my satisfaction. lol

[Mountains]

Okay guys. Interested in your thoughts...

 

Normal vs. Hmmm...not so normal?

 

Contacting ex (after ex disappeared when you started a relationship a week after breakup) and telling them you were thinking positive things about them.

 

Meeting with said ex for coffee and talking for two hours, all positive.

 

Saying things like, "You are the nicest boyfriend I have ever had." about five times, unprovoked, despite having a current boyfriend.

 

Telling ex that she was probably going to move in with new guy in a couple months even though he was pushing for now, and she thought that was too soon. But then saying, "Sometimes I think I should be alone, maybe even move back home, but I feel bad because I started something with him."

 

Telling ex about ten times that he could call her or ask her to coffee again anytime, asking if he had her number, etc. Lingering and doing the same thing in the parking lot and finally saying, "We should talk again soon!"

 

Telling ex that he should start coming around the store she works in again.

 

Okay, so the friends that I spoke with about this said they would NOT be cool with any of the above if they were the current boyfriend. A few of my friends said even the initial email would be enough for them to cut things off. After I told them that she told the new boyfriend that she still had feelings for me at the beginning of their relationship they said noooooo way, especially considering we aren't meeting up after ten years, but only a month and a half.

 

What are your guys thoughts on all this? Appropriate if you are seeing someone new? Normal? Disaster waiting to happen?

 

Anyone have thoughts on what this all might mean? Where her head is at?

[MakeItCount]

excellent post Doctah, thanks for that. I'm not a victim of a rebound relationship, but I still love what you wrote.

[Karma20]

How could you be friends with an ex when they are with another person if you still love them? I could never do it. My ex wants to be friends and he jumped into a relationship 2 weeks after breaking up. He contacted me out of the blue after 2 months of NC. They just want you as a friend so they can ween themselves off you. They want their cake and eat it too. So I chose to shove the cake down his throat.

[MakeItCount]

How could you be friends with an ex when they are with another person if you still love them? I could never do it. My ex wants to be friends and he jumped into a relationship 2 weeks after breaking up. He contacted me out of the blue after 2 months of NC. They just want you as a friend so they can ween themselves off you. They want their cake and eat it too. So I chose to shove the cake down his throat.

 

LOL! That goes into my sig.

[RomoGuy]

sorry, double post

[RomoGuy]

Hey guys Im new here, basically 2 months ago my ex broke up with me. We dated for 6 months before we broke up. We were in a "fairy tail" relationship, everything for the most part was perfect. She would tell me how perfect I am every day, and how I'm " Gods gift to her" and "the man of her dreams"... Her family loved me and my family love her. Everyone thought we were going to get married. Until literally over night she brought a whole new set off "issues" to the table and a couple old ones that she new I was working on and was doing better everyday at. Didn't give me a chance to fix them, and basically told me she is sure I am "not the one". It all caught me off guard and begged her not to leave me and told her to give me a chance to work on these "new" issues and make things right, but she already made up her mind, and told me that if God wanted us to be together one day, we will be.

 

I havent seen or heard from her since the breakup, she told me we can't be friends, and no contact with eachother, so we can both focus on what we needed to do. She then blocked me on facebook along with all my family and friends. I have not tried contacting her at all. Well I found out through a friend that she forgot to block on facebook that she is dating someone already and they have been dating since almost immediately after we broke up. Now, I'm almost 100% certain that her father (which was a bit 2 faced) convinced her to breakup with me, and pursue this guy, I know the new guy was friends with her father before the breakup but not with her until after.

 

Now I know her father had some infuence in her breaking up with me, and convinced her to pursue this new guy, because he may thing he has more to offer his daughter. So I assume she blocked me and all my friends, so that she can pursue this new guy without answering to anyone about what happened? and I also assume that I have no choice but to leave future contact to her, correct? I need everyones thoughts on this...

 

I am moving on right now, I can't believe how well I am doing after only 2 months. Working out again, working on cars ( my passion ), even clubbing every now and then with my old buddies, meeting new girls... I am at getting to the point of indifference, but I WILL always love her and want whats best for her, I know I need to keep out of her way and let her find things out by herself. If she finds out this guy is better for her, I wish her the best. But we had such an amazing connection and relationship that ended out of no where for no real explanation, thats what makes it so hard. Im thinking maby GIGS.... We are both 23 btw.

[Outshined]

Wow you seem very mature for someone your age. I am impressed.

You know there are about a thousand "things" it could be.

And really at the end of the day it truly does not matter.

The bottom line is take care of yourself no matter what.

You have to do what is best for you. Best meaning healthiest for your mental and emotional well being.

But as I said previously, I sense that you will be okay.

[hulk7280]

at least she was nice enough to try and spare your feelings and block you so you dont know she moved on..

 

my ex did the exact opposite.. she tried to shove it down my face how happy she is and took 100's of pics of her and her new bf and posts them on facebook whenever she gets the chance!

[RomoGuy]

True, I guess in a way she did spare my feelings, but unfortunately I still found out... Moving on so quickly out of a serious can't be healthy, sounds like a recipe for disaster IMO... I have no choice but to move on myself I guess.. In the back of my mind something keeps telling me I need to fight for her, but I dont think there is anything I can do anymore.. I tried to fight during the breakup, but I she already made up her mind.

[Coconut Twin]

Me and boyfriend didn't absolutely break up, instead we both agreed on time out after yet another ridiculous argument.. we both maintained limited contact for 6 weeks.. I worked on myself, he sorted his.business regarding his work and financial problems and his midwife crisis lol and well we're now working on rebuilding the relationship. It was the first where I hadn't had an urge to call him because I began to enjoy my life, get into my hobbies that I had more or less left behind because of him. Well lately just been missing me like crazy, talking about the future and us which he NEVER used to do. I feel very much in control and it makes me less stressed, I feel calmer. I sort of have this 'whatever attitude'..whether that's good or bad but even if this time round it doesn't work, I don't think it would bother me so much because I am happy with or without him and think I deserve the best in life and no one will get in the way of that again.

 

So yea we are back together, it wasn't a serious seperation, but the contact was very limited..I think most men like a woman to be strong in herself and interpendent and men expect their women to have a life outside their life together that is proactive. That is important, if you are always available, theb they do not miss you or yearn for you. It's been said so many times by so many people yet alas some of us never learn and go make the same.mistakes again.

[diddums]

Im choosing to use Zorbas theory and started today. A little bit of background me and my ex went out for 15 months we came to a little problem from lack of communication so she just ended it yet week later we got back and she ended it again once the new guy came into the picutre. She instantly started seeing and talking to this guy she never had spoken to but knew him as a friend of a friend. A month on they were just friends and I accidently deleted her on facebook thinking she deleted me, she then started a relationship with him a day later! She told me she thought i was gone and she was upset/angry im assuming she jumped at him to cover the pain.

I told her i couldnt be a friend and wished her the best of luck but yet every week she found a reason to text and eventually started talking to me on skype after a month, Which i went with to see what was up. She added me on facebook instantly and i tried being a friend but LC and they are still together yet this guy is has near no similar interests yet shes still with him, so shes asked me about going to a gig for her birthday in 2 months and 1 next month just me and her that we planned before the breakup. But i told her today that i would be going full NC to help me move on and wished her the best of luck again and said it was great to see she was happy as that is what she deserves as well as that i probably wont be going to the 2 gigs.

Ive seen she also gets jealous at the idea of me with someone else and comes to me when she has a problem or is down.

 

Ino ive done NC twice now but i feel it is the best way for me to help me move on and as well make her see what she lost as she always starts chasing, but i think the idea that if the dumpee hangs around it makes it easier for dumper to get attached to the next thing.