Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[Jondwnr]

Tigercourage

 

I appreciate the advice, reassurance is basically what all of us need cause we always question ourselves and our motives and everything else we do to make sure we are doing the right thing.

 

In regards to the questions:

1. Yes I would take her back

2. I already made the mistake of jumping to quickly last chance I had so I would slow everything down because, this is a brand new relationship.

3. Id let bygones by bygones but, Deep down I wouldn't want her associating with him cause what if we get into a fight? She will jump into his arms again? I hope not she would have to also show me she has changed so that she wont jump ship when things got hard.

[TigerCourage]

Tigercourage

 

I appreciate the advice, reassurance is basically what all of us need cause we always question ourselves and our motives and everything else we do to make sure we are doing the right thing.

 

In regards to the questions:

1. Yes I would take her back

2. I already made the mistake of jumping to quickly last chance I had so I would slow everything down because, this is a brand new relationship.

3. Id let bygones by bygones but, Deep down I wouldn't want her associating with him cause what if we get into a fight? She will jump into his arms again? I hope not she would have to also show me she has changed so that she wont jump ship when things got hard.

 

I loved the way you answered the questions. It's not all about us, it's about them too. We change, they change and they should show us that they deserve us just like we would show them.

NC will help us find ourselves and learn how to live without them until they come back if they will (which I totally hope they will). With the help of NC we will heal, it will help build a better and improved us and even if something bad will happen after we get them back, we will know how to live WITHOUT them and that should help us become CARELESS.

 

In my case, my ex first wanted time and I didn't agree... so she decided it was best to do this.

[Jondwnr]

I loved the way you answered the questions. It's not all about us, it's about them too. We change, they change and they should show us that they deserve us just like we would show them.

NC will help us find ourselves and learn how to live without them until they come back if they will (which I totally hope they will). With the help of NC we will heal, it will help build a better and improved us and even if something bad will happen after we get them back, we will know how to live WITHOUT them and that should help us become CARELESS.

 

In my case, my ex first wanted time and I didn't agree... so she decided it was best to do this.

 

Yeah thanks, ever since I've been on this site I've been thinking and learning and this site is amazing!!

 

On the investigative part I don't know if I can stop at this point but, I know that what

I'm doing isn't going to hurt me in any way. On that note I found out the rebound guy doesn't want to marry her and says shes too needy and he is gonna break up with her before her birthday.

 

I'm not going to get back with her right away is she comes crawling because of a few reasons!

1. I am not ready to support a relationship yet.

2. She has to prove to me she has changed and actually loves me.

3. I'm NO ONES conciliation prize/2nd option!!!!

[TigerCourage]

Yeah thanks, ever since I've been on this site I've been thinking and learning and this site is amazing!!

 

On the investigative part I don't know if I can stop at this point but, I know that what

I'm doing isn't going to hurt me in any way. On that note I found out the rebound guy doesn't want to marry her and says shes too needy and he is gonna break up with her before her birthday.

 

I'm not going to get back with her right away is she comes crawling because of a few reasons!

1. I am not ready to support a relationship yet.

2. She has to prove to me she has changed and actually loves me.

3. I'm NO ONES conciliation prize/2nd option!!!!

 

Thanks to this site, I feel a lot better. It helps me open my eyes when I feel depressed.

I agree with the investigation part, while you don't feel hurt then it's ok. It makes me laugh when I see that my ex's rebound doesn't give a crap about her and doesn't write almost a word on her wall on tuenti (spanish Facebook copy) and neither comment her photos. The fact that she's nuts about him doesn't change a thing because the honeymoon has to end sometime.

 

Also looking at your reasons:

 

1. I'd do the same.

2. Agreed.

3. We're no one's second "food" plate

[Jondwnr]

Thanks to this site, I feel a lot better. It helps me open my eyes when I feel depressed.

I agree with the investigation part, while you don't feel hurt then it's ok. It makes me laugh when I see that my ex's rebound doesn't give a crap about her and doesn't write almost a word on her wall on tuenti (spanish Facebook copy) and neither comment her photos. The fact that she's nuts about him doesn't change a thing because the honeymoon has to end sometime.

 

Also looking at your reasons:

 

1. I'd do the same.

2. Agreed.

3. We're no one's second "food" plate

 

Yeah his site really helps lots of people but, for most of us we think it's to late to actually get our exs back cause we have done so much damage or the ex pulled away to far. No one actually knows if they actually ruined it totally or not, it's all in fates hands.(we have no control over fate)

 

Also I thought that my exs rebounder actually cared about her and then i find out he has the same feelings for many a girl so the feelings mean nothing ha ha. I feel sorry for her and any other ex that had to go through this. As the saying goes KARMAS A * * * * * !! lol

 

Anyway do you have your story up on the forum anywhere? I'd like to seeand analyze it a bit.

[TornTattered]

On the investigative part I don't know if I can stop at this point but, I know that what

I'm doing isn't going to hurt me in any way. On that note I found out the rebound guy doesn't want to marry her and says shes too needy and he is gonna break up with her before her birthday.

 

Well you might think it doesnt hurt you in any way right now. But I guarantee you it will at some point. What you are doing is only going to hurt yourself in the end. If you cant see that, then i dont know what to tell you. Im not sure why you even want to read into your ex's life. Say you get back together, that trust will be completely gone. It will always be running through your head. You are setting yourself up for failure.

[TigerCourage]

Yeah his site really helps lots of people but, for most of us we think it's to late to actually get our exs back cause we have done so much damage or the ex pulled away to far. No one actually knows if they actually ruined it totally or not, it's all in fates hands.(we have no control over fate)

 

Also I thought that my exs rebounder actually cared about her and then i find out he has the same feelings for many a girl so the feelings mean nothing ha ha. I feel sorry for her and any other ex that had to go through this. As the saying goes KARMAS A * * * * * !! lol

 

Anyway do you have your story up on the forum anywhere? I'd like to seeand analyze it a bit.

 

You know, it's never too late for something. Also what goes around, comes back around.

Be confident and even when you see them together (if you're in NC try to AVOID them by any means), put that "don't give a crap" mask on your face and attitude (that's sexy and attractive and makes you look like a "bad boy"). I avoided going at the same parties as my ex (even tonight there's a party I got invited and after I heard my ex is going, it's out of my list).

 

I guess you already found my story

[PrettyGood]

Hello and thank you for your opinion. It's really interesting and intelligent idea. But I also have a question for you. You wrote that "if the dumpee remains in the picture". So if I went NC (no connection) and I don't have my dumper in my any contacts, but I remained in dating websites where he is also registered and he can view my profile whenever he wants - is it my remaining in his picture or not? Because I don't communicate with him and don't see him at all.

[TigerCourage]

Then that's ok! Keep with it.

[Jondwnr]

Oh I won't see them together, I like 45 minutes away from her and unless she comes to my house in the effin countryside I don't think there will be am instance where we meet up randomly. Lol

 

NewDilemma: I think if he is viewing your profile and you aren't contacting him at all you are fine. But if you don't want him to know anything about your life you should block him on all sites.

[TheBlackDahlia]

Hey, so I just started NC with my ex (who has another boyfriend) last night. She broke up with me 3 weeks ago, and she's been dating this other guy for 2 weeks. For the last 3 weeks, we maintained contact and just talked like friends, but last night I told her not to contact me anymore.

 

Did I wait too long to initiate this?

[MakeItCount]

Hey, so I just started NC with my ex (who has another boyfriend) last night. She broke up with me 3 weeks ago, and she's been dating this other guy for 2 weeks. For the last 3 weeks, we maintained contact and just talked like friends, but last night I told her not to contact me anymore.

 

Did I wait too long to initiate this?

 

better right off the bat, but it's fine

[TigerCourage]

Hey, so I just started NC with my ex (who has another boyfriend) last night. She broke up with me 3 weeks ago, and she's been dating this other guy for 2 weeks. For the last 3 weeks, we maintained contact and just talked like friends, but last night I told her not to contact me anymore.

 

Did I wait too long to initiate this?

 

You did well, just stay out of the picture and work on yourself, see friends, go out, have fun. She'll try to find out what are you doing in this time and she won't feel so good if she can see you're better off without her!

[diddums]

Heres my story i hope it helps some people My ex left me after a 1 1/2 years(being her first love and true bf in her words), we had agreed a break for 2 weeks she ended it after a week and came back only to leave 2 weeks later for this other guy but wanted to be "friends". The first time i went NC she told me she missed me and cared alot and that being with this guy makes her think of me at times...but still wants to be friends...so go NC again and each week she almost trys find a excuse to come looking for me or talk on MSN or Skype(im the only reason she uses them) But ive blocked her and her friends on them and stopped using facebook.

They have been together for 9 weeks now, ive been in NC for about 6 of those weeks, 4 of them which ive stopped using anything she can find out about my life from(facebook etc) and now she has started asked one of my friends about me and my life(where i been, education, work, GIRLS!) and gets jealous at the thought of me being with someone and how its * * * * that i probably wont be celebrating her birthday with her. So shes in a real rebound for sure!

NC really helps us get back on our feet and gives us back our strength and keep going knowing we arent at the feet of our ex's. Ive done alot since NC for myself and my life has got alot better without her or any girl so thats why im sticking to this as i think its only a matter of time before things breakdown for her little dream world relationship

[Griffey]

Ok I haven't been posting here much lately but I feel like I'd post in here.

 

We're both 25, we dated for 2 years, then she broke it off in August. She started dating someone else in January and they're still together. I've felt a ton better since the split, saw some new girls, etc.

 

She imed me on valentine's day just to say hi...I thought that was weird, then we spoke in mid March, and again today on facebook chat. We spoke all day and just caught up, we talked about our relationships since our breakup and it was really a nice talk, she apologized for the bu and admitted that she went about it the wrong way and that she still feels guilty. I've basically forgiven her because even though it was a brutal split, I have gotten over the pain of the bu. The only pain that remains I guess is just not speaking to her everyday, laughing with her, etc.

 

Now I sort of miss her and wonder if her and this new guy are for real. They've been together 4 months and SEEM to be very happy with each other. They just became official on facebook and I guess that's what has gotten me in a little rut today, missing her and such.

 

I dunno, I' just wonder if it's a rebound since they started dating 4 months after our breakup....and i found out today the guy she's with got out of a 3 year relationship at the exact same time we broke up back in July. Is this a rebound? I mean 4 months after very long term relationships??

 

Who knows, it's not worth it to wait it out obviously but after dating some people lately I realize that nobody has since made me feel what my ex made me feel. I feel like all the success stories have the people being broken up for like a year, with relationships in between. Maybe it's good that she's with someone else? Maybe it's good I've been with other people. I still think we would work if the timing was right....Any thoughts people? Thanks

[TigerCourage]

He probably used that "breaking as well" so he can "share" the "pain". That's what brought them together in the first place (I think). Happened in my situation too and that creates a deep attraction.

[Lostmysoulmate]

yup after about 6 weeks of nc with ex and never seeing him, except at work and there i grew cold to him he said and stopped even talking to him, i started dating a new person, who was a lot of fun, the ex came around and wanted to be with me, didnt seem to know i was dating someone, we did try again after i left the new guy and for a few months tried but the ex dumped me this month, and even acted surprised when i left. i went full blown NC the night of break up and he sent texts every once in a while. Now nothing. he is on a dating site.

[MrBrightside15]

Okay, I have a question regarding my situation.

 

We were together 4 years, living together for three and had a rock solid relationship that entire time. Got dumped in January out of nowhere, and I chased after her for three months. She also got a rebound right away. My biggest mistake was thinking that I could win her back by staying in contact. Throughout the last three months, we had a lot of good conversations, many times right before bed. I thought these were good signs, but after reading this thread I've realized that I was fulfilling her emotional needs, while her rebound was fulfilling her physical needs. When I found out that she was still seeing her rebound, I told her that I couldn't continue talking to her while she's seeing someone else. It wasn't really a fight, but more like a "I'm really sorry it has to be this way" kind of conversation. I've been NC for 11 days now. She did text me last week once about some test results she got from a doctor's appointment I knew she had, but that's it so far. At the end of May, we're both going to Las Vegas for a week with a dozen other people for our friends bachelor/bachelorette parties, so this NC is not indefinite, as we both know we'll see each other then, obviously.

 

Even though when I told her I was going to stop talking to her it wasn't a fight or childish, it wasn't the positive "I wish you the best" sort of thing either. My question is if my initiation of NC was too sour and if I should maybe write a letter expressing the right sentiments this time. Or would a letter be silly considering I'm going to see her anyway in a month? I'm definitely using this time to work on myself and heal, but I fully realize I won't be cured by then. I don't want to mess this up, and push her away further, especially when I know there are feelings there.

[Carus]

MrBrightside*

 

No letters. Walk away. She is with someone else now.

 

I went through this exact same thing 2 years ago and the contact you are getting from her will go on for a while yet...

 

That doesn't mean she's gonna leave the rebound and come back to you though....trust me*

 

Ever Forward

K2* 8-)

[Galizien]

My situation:

 

So me and my ex dated for six months. At the beginning, the relationship was amazing, and everything went well. I couldn't have asked for anything better. However, at around 4 months, she told me she loved me and I told her the same. I assumed that everything would go well from then, but apparently not.

 

She began acting odd and distant, her excuse was that school was getting in the way. I eventually confronted her about all of this, and she claimed that it was because she was afraid of being this close to someone again (her ex of two years basically destroyed her after she found out he was cheating). We didn't break up, but she asked if we could slow things down. I halfheartedly agreed, and things seemed to improve a little, at least. The real reckoning came 3 weeks afterwards when she asked me for a break, and I told her that she might as well break up with me.

 

I tried to fight it, but she told me that loved me, but needed this to get better and to get 'herself in order', and she told me to wait for her. Idiotically, I agreed. For the next month and a half, I proceed to be the friend and do my best to get us back together; to no avail. One particular week she was insistent to meet my friends and to come to my family's Easter festivities; at my invitation as she said she might not be able to go home for the holidays. Furthermore, she told me that she is transferring to my university. So essentially, it was mixed messages and all.

 

This was all before I found that she was casually seeing some other man behind my back. When I finally confronted about the information I have discovered, she said she was sorry about how things turned out. One particular text I received was "he makes me feel...actually good, when i think of you...i hurt". That was the point I decided enough was enough and bid her my best and told her not to contact me for a while.

 

The confrontation in actuality occurred because I had gone into NC as soon as I found out, and that she was rather upset that I wasn't talking to her.

 

Any opinions where this may go? I'm not holding out any hope that things might work themselves out, but I was wondering whether there was a general possibility

[MrBrightside15]

First, I know you don't need me telling you that agreeing to wait for her was a very stupid thing to do, because what ends up happening is exactly what happened to you.

 

As far as what's going on, it's hard to say because we don't know her at all. Based on what she said, it might look pretty bad to you, but I think it might (that is MIGHT) be better. She says the new guy makes her feel good and when she thinks of you she hurts. Why would she hurt, you didn't do anything wrong? She either hurts out of guilt for what she's done to you, or she hurts because deep down she knows you're the one she actually loves but can't admit it or something. Either way, the other guy makes her feel good because he's not you. Since you didn't do anything wrong in the situation, there's really nothing you can or should do. Best thing would be to just act cool about it and go NC. If she really wants to be with the other guy instead of you, then NC will help you move on. If she's just really confused and messed up in the head right now, then NC is also the best option. She can't be with someone knew and expect you to wait around for her, so removing yourself from her life might have a bigger impact than she thought.

[Galizien]

Yeah, I realize in retrospect that telling her to wait was an extremely stupid thing to do. No, I don't think I did anything wrong to her, I in fact was the "perfect boyfriend" and made sure I did everything I could to make her happy. It may be because of the guilt, we had a conversation two weeks beforehand where I told her she'll have to give me something solid before summer break began, or else I would refuse to wait. She told me that she couldn't, that she had to discover "who she was"; pretty much she's in a very emotional and troubling state, as there are many things going wrong (in her eyes) in her life. I was the emotional support throughout that month-long period.

 

I know she hasn't dealt with any of her previous issues, so it's pretty safe to assume that this is a rebound relationship, per se. Although they're not a "couple", they have gone on several dates and etc.

[MrBrightside15]

Galizien - it sounds like our exes are in very similar states of mind. We were together four years, and she broke up citing a lot of different reasons, few of which had to do with me. She said things like she needed to be independent, to find discover who she was (just like yours), to deal with all her current problems on her own without anyone's help, especially mine. There's no one thing, but one the biggest reasons I think is that she was all of a sudden sorry she missed out on being single all through college while we were together. She got into a rebound relationship with another guy just days after we broke up. For three months I chased after her, thinking that if I'd stay in the picture she'd eventually come around. We'd talk on the phone, hang out occasionally and it usually went really well. I thought we were going down the path of reconciliation, until I found out she's still seeing her rebound and doesn't intend on stopping. Then I realized how big of a mistake I'd made. By staying in contact, I was giving her all of the comfort of knowing I'd be there to listen if she ever wanted to talk, while in the meantime she could go fool around with her other guy. I was actually making the break up easier on her. I was still very much in the picture, and she knew that I'd take her back if she just said the word. As soon as I realized this I immediately went NC. It's two weeks today. I have no idea how she's taken it so far, but what I can say is that is does force her to think about the decision, which she wasn't having to do before.

[Galizien]

Funny thing, she texted me today saying "hey, how are you???". Not sure how to respond

[WeightOffChest]

I love this thread. It gives me great support and comfort. Just bumping it, hoping Zorba will post again