Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[Puckdog27]

so is my ex in a rebound? She doesn't feel so though. She is in her honeymoon stage with her rebound and seems to be too happy and satisfied.

 

It doesnt matter if she is in a rebound. She is with someone else. Labeling it doesnt change it. If she is happy and satisfied then there is nothing you can do, and after what you say she did, Im not sure why you would want her.

 

You start your own thread at the top of the page. Plenty of us will be happy to lend an ear and give advice.

[beautifulangel]

so much so that she doesn't even want to talk to me or hear from me or for that matter see me... the same woman who must have been intimate with me for more than 200 hundred times over a period of 700 (2 years +) days. Can anyone beat that...

[Cnstnt Evolutn]

I remember when my ex left me, I was devastated as well...and I'm sure you dont want to hear this, because I know I didn't... It will get better... and it does, it just takes a long time.

 

How old are you guys if I may ask?

 

I'm not one for rebound relationships, getting involved with another right after a breakup just to forget about that person doesn't help you. It just alleviates the pain and numbs you temporarily like a drug...but afterwards comes the crash. So for someone in my situation, who isn't for rebounds, it probably takes longer to recover. Like going cold turkey lol. If you are the same way it'll probably be similar for you.

 

My advice would be to give her all the space she wants at the moment. You say she doesn't want to talk/see you anymore, and NOTHING you say or reason out with her will make her see differently...women aren't logical like men. BUT, a bit of good news is that people, during a breakup, often say things they don't mean. So if she says she doesn't want to talk/see you, don't take it as an absolute, you'll likely hear from her if you give her that space.

 

Respect her decision and she will respect you for that. What else you should do now is take a step back and get some perspective. I'll tell you from experience, you learn more about yourself and your ex during your break up than you do through your entire relationship together.

 

Right now, I'm sure you feel threatened in a way... by this other guy, and by her decision and you are panicking, as I did when it first happened. You're worried she'll really hit it off with this guy and that she doesn't love you anymore. That is simply not true, unless it ended very badly. You're in a better position than you think. If your relationship had any amount of weight and depth, then she is probably thinking about you just as you are thinking about her.

 

Ask yourself, what are the chances that she and this new guy have anywhere near the depth of relationship that you two had? ZERO.

You see, you and her have spent years together, you have shared memories, experiences, inside jokes and stories, intimacy....you've got history. Those things are not easily replaced. Hopefully when you read this it will calm you down a bit, because you shouldn't panic. Keep your composure. While its not guaranteed that she will come back, constantly calling and asking why she left will NOT help those chances.

 

Take this time to try and look at the breakup objectively...."step outside of yourself" and try to see exactly what went wrong, how YOU contributed to the breakup, and work on fixing it, whether it be character deficiencies or what have you.

 

I'll tell you I did this same thing and found my relationship ended because I was selfish, too self involved. In the beginning we were awesome and did things both of us liked but as time passed we started doing only things I liked, and my ex didn't stand for it. I actually commend her for that. Eventually you will no longer resent her either, as I have stopped.

 

Hope this helps.

[beautifulangel]

Hey...

 

I am 37, turning 38 this year and she is 32...

[beautifulangel]

Hey Cnstnt Evolutn,

 

Pal Thank you so much for the supporting words. Yeah you are right in many ways. I think she just got bored of me, besides she was working and we couldn't get to meet as often as we used to meet (and party ofcourse) when we were working together. She is Woman who likes to go out, visit places. All these had stopped between the two of us. Besides my place is not as close to hers, I mean it would take me a minimum of an hour or more to reach. Besides she is a woman who is cpable to doing things impulsively without thinking much. As I said she had married young, she never got time to do stuff girls otherwise get to do. So somewhere deep down I think she want to catch up with the lost time, she wanted to do 'girlie' stuff. When quizzed what was this girlie stuff she wanted to do, she never had an answer to give me. I am a very calm and composed person. Though I always used to tell her that 'I want her to be happy, WITH ME OR WITHOUT ME' and I genuinely wish for her happiness even now. Just that inspite of the fact that she has left me, I still feel for her, a worried that she is going to get hurt in future, she didn't realize what she has done now, her emotions, instincts have mde he do whatever she has. But knowing her as a person, i feel bad that this decision of hers is only going to scar her further emotionally. She is a swetheart... and we didn't fight over the break up, when she told me that she wants to move on, I politely told her that I am not going to stop her this time... and I didn't, neither did i beg, plead. yes I probably over did my smsing/texting bit. I was not convinced about the reasons she was giving me for the break up till the time she told me over the phone that she is with 'SOMEONE' whose identity she refused to divulge. Before this after she told me that she wanted to break up I always wanted to meet her once and had been requesting her to take time out, but she kept saying we would and never turned up. Even when she spoke to me last when she told me about this new guy, i asked her that now I accept you and your new BF, meet me once, to which she said that "she didn't want to" and said that she will never pick up my calls or reply to any of smses or emails. I think she knows with whatevr she did to me, which she knows she probably couldn't have been able to see me in the eye. She exactly knows how much I loved her... She did...

[beautifulangel]

Having spent two plus years together, I sometimes feel that isn't there anything 'GOOD' that I must have done to her to actually go and take such a drastic step, of leaving your fellow human being, your friend behind, just like that... I mean there's something called emotions, integrity, accountability etc etc etc... I mean can she be so hollow as a human being? I really don't mind her leaving me, but what I feel bad about is that she didn't even feel that she owes me a 'CLOSURE' a true 'CLOSURE'. And that is what makes me feel bad. I still want her happiness, and hope if she doesn't come back she still finds her peace and happiness. How can I not, after all I LOVE HER.

[shwede]

The answer to this question is a definite YES, you certainly can. A lot of men don't realize, but just because your ex girlfriend has someone new in her life, doesn't mean that is the person who they'll ultimately marry and want to spend the rest of her life with. Let's think about it, how often does that happen?

 

 

 

Especially if she has jumped straight from you to this new guy, the chances that they will work out will be very slim. The reason for that is, after a break up, she will be suddenly overwhelmed by this new void in her life. She suddenly doesn't have a guy who's there for her anymore, she suddenly feels lonely and she wants to replace or override the hurt she feels from the break up with you. All of these reasons mean she'll be on the lookout for any potential guy that comes her way.

 

 

 

The only negative to you is that you'll need to be a bit more patient if she does start seeing someone else. She needs time to realize this guy is a rebound and another problematic long-term relationship isn't what she needs. Meanwhile, you need to make sure you're not doing the stupid things that only push her closer to the other guy.

 

 

 

Avoid things like:

 

 

 

 

 

Disapproving of her new relationship.

 

 

Begging her to come back while she's in a new relationship, calling, texting, emailing.

 

 

Sabotaging their relationship.

 

 

 

 

As long as you steer clear of these actions and leave them alone. She will find out on her own that he won't be a substitute to you. Oftentimes, if he turns out to be a real loser, this is definitely to your advantage. Your ex girlfriend will constantly compare you to the new guy and if you look like the better catch, who do you think she'll want? This will especially work well, if you took away the usual attention that you give her.

 

 

 

The most important thing is NOT to remain close friends with her WHILE she is seeing someone else. This will only help her cushion her own fall from the break up. Remember getting her to feel lonely is not a bad thing; it will force her to act and do something about it. Eg. Either get back with you or seek someone else (and risk finding a * * * * head).

 

 

 

Remember you can win your ex girlfriend back even if she's seeing someone else and all looks doom and gloom. You just need to be patient and ride it out.

 

 

 

chin up guys all we have is time....

[beautifulangel]

Thanks Pal...

 

Thank you so much for writing back. Feels so much better when I get such comforting words from like minded people. Thank you and Thank you all. No I am not doing any of such things tha you mentioned that we shouldn't. I am in NO CONTACT with her for the whole of ths last months. She is out of station on some work assignment. Before that for some three to four months we were only contacting only vis smses and occassional phone calls. In perspective I think she was preparing herself. Or Maybe she had already started going around with her rebound. What feels bad is that she never really sat me down and spoke of any problems she was facing with me. I mean I didn't even get a chance to correct whatever my shortcomings she disliked. Given the kind of equal partnership we shared... I wish she could have shared it with me and tried to work it out, but guess she got swayed by her novelty/emotions and instincts...

[shwede]

Some women will block out all thoughts of an ex boyfriend immediately after ending the relationship. They do this in an attempt to "move on", but in reality it's more a sign of weakness in her resolve. Any girl choosing push her feelings down and lock them away rather than deal with them outwardly is going to be easier to get back together with. This is because she's never reconciled the end of your relationship - instead she's chosen to forget about it for a while and see if she can move forward without having to deal with the separation anxiety that comes with breaking up.

 

This is actually a good sign. Many of the techniques you can use to get back your ex girlfriend will involve finding these buried emotions and gently digging them up. A girl who's sorted out the relationship and finalized the break up in her mind will be a lot harder to sway than one who just abruptly crumpled her feelings for you into a ball and tossed them over her shoulder. You can tell which situation you're dealing with by how quickly and seemingly easily your ex was able to end things with you.

 

 

time is our friend :splat:

[Animelover6764]

how can you tell?

[Puckdog27]

how can you tell?

 

There's the million dollar question! You cant tell! Thats why you dont wait to find out, they are with someone else so you move on.

 

Hell my ex wife is married to her "rebound". Glad I didnt wait that one out!

[sadeyesppr]

Some women will block out all thoughts of an ex boyfriend immediately after ending the relationship. They do this in an attempt to "move on", but in reality it's more a sign of weakness in her resolve. Any girl choosing push her feelings down and lock them away rather than deal with them outwardly is going to be easier to get back together with. This is because she's never reconciled the end of your relationship - instead she's chosen to forget about it for a while and see if she can move forward without having to deal with the separation anxiety that comes with breaking up.

 

Does that go for men too or only women? Because as far as I know, my exboyfriend is doing the same thing. Actually he even told me he put me in the category "Out of sight, out of mind" so he's probably not dealing with me at all in his head and is instead concentrating on his new relationship

[shwede]

Watching your ex start dating again before you can fix the relationship is every guy's worst nightmare. As she goes off with another man, you might think you've lost any hope of reconciliation. But while seeing her with a new boyfriend hurts like a dagger through the heart, I'm here to tell you it's probably not as bad as you think.

 

Just after breaking up with you, any romance your ex jumps into is probably nothing more than a rebound relationship. This might be small consolation to you right now, as you're preoccupied with envisions her kissing and dating someone else. But in the grand scheme of things, a rebound romance is probably your best chance of getting her back. When her new relationship falls apart, you can use it's demise as a springboard to put her back into your arms... if you know the right way to do it.

 

For this reason you must be patient, and look at the big picture. Yes, your ex is with someone else. Yes, she's sleeping with him. No, there's nothing you can do about it right now - and actually, anything you do to try and interfere is going to come off as desperate and jealous. While it really sucks to know your ex girlfriend is dating again, close your eyes and imagine your end goal: getting back together with her. Knowing that this will eventually happen should take the edge off the pain of seeing her with another man.

 

 

[shwede]

PUCKDOG27

that isnt the sort of thinking were needing to hear mate ..

[Puckdog27]

PUCKDOG27

that isnt the sort of thinking were needing to hear mate ..

 

Truth hurts huh. Dont sit on the sidelines and wait for someone who wants to be with someone other than you. Get back in the game with someone who want to BE WITH YOU.

[Puckdog27]

Does that go for men too or only women? Because as far as I know, my exboyfriend is doing the same thing. Actually he even told me he put me in the category "Out of sight, out of mind" so he's probably not dealing with me at all in his head and is instead concentrating on his new relationship

 

Do you really believe there are gender specific roles here?

[shwede]

and if you do that your on the rebound ...!!!

 

not a good idea mate

[Exchange]

Truth hurts huh. Dont sit on the sidelines and wait for someone who wants to be with someone other than you. Get back in the game with someone who want to BE WITH YOU.

 

Amen to this. I'd rather have someone want to be with me inconditionally just like I would reciprocate that back.

[beautifulangel]

hey guys,

Thanks for taking this discussion ahead. Had been missing you a lot. Some contarsting views. But i guess it all depends on what we want. Some want to move on, some DO want their exe's back. I went through a lot of physical and emotional conflicts. I wanted her back desperately. Now I am in NC for almost a little more than a month. She is out of station on some work assignment, I have been dealing with my conflict and emotional pain over the last many months since Jan/Feb as I guess she was preparing for the break up and I was confused as to what she was upto. But never thought that there's another man she is gonna get in between us. Never suspected her, and here I am. But today I feel so detached... I do love her very much. But having gone through the pain I am thinking that even if I don't get her back, I guess I will be fine. And even if she comes I would probably still take her back (though she will have to work very hard to have me again), which I doubt she will break than bend. I am not in a rebound relationship. I don't feel like jumping into one quickly, so am taking enough time to heal myself completely. Just wanted to share the difference of emotions I was going through when the final break up happened and my feelings now at this moment... Even went for a therapy at a shrinks clinic. But i feel more confident today... I feel I have come back to my senses again

[beautifulangel]

Shwede...

 

Thanks for the hope though... Lets see what course life takes. Either ways, we will rock, as I firmly believe that its their LOSS. Though the realization will dawn upon them later in time as every case will be unique and will take its own time individually, the bigger loosers will be our respective exes... Though I too would love to see most of them coming back. Rest there is always someone better out there... maybe we will realize its happened for the good, one never knows pals.

[paulod]

Good man!!! go with the flow mate, look after yourself, keep looking forward,keep working on you, who knows what tomorrow brings!!

And yeah remember it's their loss at the end of the day, you are the prize, not the other way around

 

Best of luck to ya!!

[shwede]

well said paul ,

i think the thing wrong with a lot of people today is that life has become to disposable !!

 

noone seems to want to work on what they have , even if its a great thing , as soon as it gets tough then its "NEXT" .

 

im a fighter and wont give up until some day i wake up and dont think about her anymore AND thats the day i will feel its time to move on...

i hate to hear people just say move on , its easy just to say to someone else move on when its not your heart thats breaking or even healing..

 

if you try and it doesnt go anywhere at leat you know in urself that you tryed and if she does come running back someday and im very sure they do , you can look at what went on in the past and make your mind up what you want to do ..!!

 

its your call guys ,

[beautifulangel]

I completely agree, to each to his own, especially when it comes to the advice of 'moving on' I completely agree with your views. Until two weeks back I was hurting SO much that I though there is going to be no end to my grief. BUt today I feel more in control of myself, and it makes feel that I have got my own power back and I can live on with her or without her, just the way I always used to tell my ex that baby I want you to be happy always, with me or without me... Well it applys to me as well. So one thing I will again reinforce which has been said her on every possible page is, that never stop working on yourself, never loose YOURSELF in the process. It's their Loss if they have strayed...:splat:

[Puckdog27]

On the contrary, Im not saying its disposable, Im saying its precious, and its much too short to wait for someone who doesnt want you and is with another person. To short to waste days of your life with the "hope" that their new relationship will fail and the MIGHT come back to you. Labeling it a "rebound" is just a way to give false hope to the thought that they are making a mistake and will figure it out.

 

Let me tell you this......rebounds are generally the case where an emotional void is being filled due to being hurt, so they rebound into the next best thing to come along. RARELY is a DUMPER in a rebound, because they have long ago closed their feelings on the person they dumped and are ready for something new. Like my ex wife, she had closed and healed her feelings for me long before I realized, but by me going back and forth with her and not seeing it for what it was, when she finally detached for good, I was thinking "Oh she's on the rebound". She wasnt on the rebound, she was over it and ready to try again....and trust me, she hurt alot during our seperation.

 

Im not telling you to give up the hope that they will come back one day, Im telling you that using the term rebound as a device to sit and wait is not a good idea. Acceptance is a major phase of the grieving process, in most cases, while we sit and wait them out, we are delaying that process.

 

Im not saying any of this to any of you in particular, if you want to wait for them to navigate a rebound, and then maybe another relationship, and another....by all means.

[beautifulangel]

Puckdog has a point here... each one has to decide what he wants from the break up. I am amazed to see myself that I am the same guy who until two three weeks back kept thinking that its the end of the world for me without my ex ha ha ha. I am laughing at myself now...