Jump to content

Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life
 Share

Recommended Posts

  • 3 weeks later...
  • Replies 2.4k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

I was seeing a guy for 9 months after his seperation but they had already been living in separate rooms for months, we were not bf and gf but it was a really good relationship and he said that it had been years since he felt that way, and that he cared for me and liked me a lot but he was just afraid, and had gotten out of a real bad relationship , but between us it was all good, no fights, just play, affection and it was all nice..I really cared for him, and he said he felt something for me, but he was confussed..but it was good. or so I thought, about a month and a half ago he started to distance himself from me..I felt it, and I asked him about it as I wanted him to tell me straight up if he didn't want to see me anymore and I didn't want to be on the side, but he said that was not it. Last month, I passed by his house late at night, and saw him inside his car talking on the phone when he was supposed to be sleeping cause he wakes up at 4:00 am...anyway so I got mad, and called him about it, and I told him that if he didn't want to see me to tell me, that it's probably that he is talking to another girl that is why he doesnt seem me anymore, and that I felt like his booty call, and I said it's cool, screw it, forget this....he didn't say nothing back to me, a few days ago I sent him an e-mail telling him that I apologized if i had wrongfully accused him but that his actions, and everyting else had made me react that way as that was the first time we ever argued or anything like that. Anyway he has not responded to me, and I have not heard from him so I think that it was just a ticket out, and maybe he did have someone on the side/ and me confronting him was an excuse for himas him and I were not really gf and bf but did have something going on, but because things were so good between us, and I have always been there for him he didn't know how to end it, so he just used it as an excuse as I didn't even go off really bad on him. I saw him on the freeway, and he looked and tunred around and drove off, which hurt a lot thats when i wrote the e-mail as I didn't think I had done anything that bad for him to diss me like that I have decided that I am going NC and I have even deleted my facebook profile .. do you think it will work? I must add he is very prideful.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Natalia...

 

This man is definitely hiding something from you and doesn't want to share 'something' that is very dear to him these days. Beisides men have their egoes in teo places their heads and their * * * * heads... This man is disrespecting you which is disgusting to say the least... yeah NC is the best way to go about. My ex gf too didn't tell me about her new guy until she had made her relationship/rebound relationship safe with him. They do feel guilty because they know that they are in the wrong yet cannot stop their urge from enjoying the new excitement in their lives. My ex never met me while I kept requesting her to give me one hour of time after having shared a two years of intimate relationship, even after having told her that I accept her decision. So they will run away from you and they will keep running away from themselves for the rest of their lives and end up being depressed.... YOu be strong.... things wll be fine. This thread is reaaly nice i had read all 132 pages of it when i started coming on enotalone. Chin up girl

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This thread is amazing. I wish I had read it before I started dating my ex again. I told her I loved her after we started seeing each other after a 2 month hiatus. She said it was 'weird' and needs 'space' now.

 

So I'm giving it to her. I don't know if we'll ever reconcile but I know not to make that mistake again !

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow this thread is great.

 

Ok so here's my story I hope to get some insight.

 

Me and my ex girl were together for 2 amazing years. I've been in law school throughout. This past summer I had been studying for the bar exam and really put her on the back burner. I didn't make efforts to see her and talk to her as much, and she became closer friends with a male co worker of her's (who was dumped by his fiancee himself earlier this year).

 

Bottom line is I found out that she hooked up with him while we were still going out and I confronted her about it. She asked for a break and I did the usual "I can change" "I'm sorry" stuff. She said she needed time to think things through.

 

About 3 weeks into the break I called her and said that if her heart is telling her to go then she should follow her heart - she proceeded to break up with me. This was 1 week ago. She said she would contact me in a few days about picking up her stuff from my apt.

 

She finally contacted me 4 days later to set up a time to do this, and we ended up talking honestly and truthfully for two hours. She said things like "things will work themselves out" "we were perfect together, look at how we can still talk for 2 hours" "I can move past the bad things that happened in our relationship because of how good we were together I just don't know when" " I wouldn't be against us getting back together in the future but I wouldn't be against moving on either"

 

I asked her if we should be talking like this during the breakup and she said that we shouldn't talk daily and create old expectations, but it could be good to talk and see each other once in a while.

 

She is leaving to travel for work for 2 months starting Aug 30th and she isn't returning until November basically. The guy she works with that she got with isn't traveling on the same project as her.

 

Interestingly she said if we do hang out when she comes back from the trip every once in a while I won't be a priority - her friends and family would be, which I thought was a * * * * * y thing to say.

 

 

End of story is that she is coming over tonight to pick up her stuff but she wants to go out to dinner.

 

I'm thinking of saying something like this to her at the end of the night:

 

 

 

I really want her back but we've only been broken up for a week and in serious relationship trouble about 4 weeks. She keeps insisting that what is going on with the kid from work is not romantic, but I believe she has feelings for him.

 

Anyway - what do you all make of this situation? I want to go LC so that she doesn't think I'm being immature/so that I can show her how much I'm changing/how devoted I am to her, but if she starts seeing this other dude then I'm gonna NC it.

 

And before you ask - yes I still want to be with her and can look past her unfaithfulness during my studying.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I totally agree with your theory

 

As the dumpee if you stay around and "be friends" and basically at a psychological cushion the blow of the break-up for the dumper they will have the best of both worlds. They will move on to another guy/girl have the excitement of the new relationship, ask you advice on it probably (and if you give advice they will take it with a grain of salt), get their emotional validation from you and when Mr. Rebound has been deemed worthy enough to take over then guess what.... Dumpee is left to drown.

 

So yes... As the Dumpee stay away from the rebound relationship 100% and always remember that 90% of Rebound relationships last 90 days and are done.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello everybody!!

 

I want to share my experience with you so that others will also be helped somehow. This is a story about when a rebound relationship becomes part of an toxic and even abusive pattern.

 

I have a 9 years long term relationhsip with a guy I love very much and he also loves me a lot. We met pretty young and he was my first lover and I was his first. As years passed the relationship became a little toxic even without wanting it. It is common in relationships where both have no life experience and they don't know how to handle their love to lose the way. This is when love becomes depedence and you are all the time with the other, and you do whatever the other wants etc. I didn't realise all these things until he found another girl two months ago.

 

My opinion is that a rebound relationhsip does not always happen after a break up but also when the dumpy cannot face bravely the problems of a bad relationhsip and decide to mend it or break it for good.

 

The dumper is not a jerk. He is a confused and immature person that cannot make up his mind and the dumpee should no way facilitate him to become more confused and immature!

 

When my boyfriend met his new girl he first said that he loved both of us and that he was confused. He said that he always loves me but he is not in love with me. At the beginning I was calm. My first thought was to leave him alone. And I should have done this. And I tried. But at the end.... I didn't do it. It seemed 100 hundrend times more difficult than i would imagine. I didn't do it because it was him who was was running behind me and not me. And I made the bog mistake. I started accepting him with the hope to get him back from his new lover.

 

NEVER TRY TO GET ANYONE CLOSE TO YOU. THEY HAVE TO COME THERE IF THEY REALLY LOVE YOU. AND THE WORST THING IS NOT BEING DUMPED BY SOMEONE ELSE BUT BY YOUR OWN SELF. AN THE WORST LOSS IS TO LOSE YOUR DIGNITY FOR HAVING SOMEONE.

 

The strange thing in my case was that even though my boyfriend was excited with his new girl and he was saying things to me like you are my best friend etc he was also showing a great amount of passion and desire towards me. He was meeting her everyday but at the same time he was telling me that he loves me a lot and we had very passionate and great sex, something that we lacked for one year. Also, he was telling that she was not as important as me and it was a fling that would go away. He asked me to wait for him and he was showing that he wanted to renew our relationship.

 

At the same time he was building his new relationhsip in a honeymoon style, becoming emotionally attached having fun and giving promises and I could feel it although he was saying it was not something important. I started losing sense of reality, I didn't know what to believe anymore and I didn't know where I stand in his life. I started being very confused and depressed.

 

Everytime I was trying to put some distance between us just to free my self or everytime he was going closer to his new girl and I was deciding to go away because I didn't like this triangle he was coming to me apologising, crying and saying he was sorry that he left me and I was forgiving him again and again just to go back to his rebounder and dump me again.

 

Under these conditions even though I wanted to leave him I was falling continuously in a big trap. As he was telling me all the time that he loves me, he was following me everywhere, he was panicking in front of my NC and he was dumping his new girl for me and me for her I started believing that I was the guilty one for the end of our relationship and I had to win over the rebounder.

 

I believed that if I do the right thing, like great sex, caring, talking, NC, begging, cold shoulder, blaming, forgiving, show confidance, ignoring etc I would get him back from his rebound love. So I became trapped in a cycle, trying to get him form his new love showing my very needy and desesperate self.

 

And this is how I helped the rebounder to become the best girl in the world who supports him, who saved him form his crazy ex, who is calm and caring and who understands him and genuinely loves him. They became a happy couple against the bad world and the bad ex girlfriend and he told me that he doesn't like me anymore, that he lost respect for me but we could stay friends for me not feeling lonely.

 

Until one morning that I understood that even though I always love this guy I am not an idiot. I realised that I was addicted to him and he to me and this is why we palyed this game. I assumed that as a woman, a person and a human being I don't accept being treated this way. I don't accept being told lies, being the boring crazy wife, being the good old friend for the man I love while he is having exciting sex with someone else.

 

So, I left. I didn't change town and I didn't become rude to him. I just detached emotionally. If my boyfriend wants to be with another woman he is free to do so. But for me, I will not give my body or my soul to him unless he fights for them.

 

 

I didn't say anything. I just calmed down. I was kind while meeting him but I ignored his tricks for putting me down. I just posed my limits. I didn't answer all his callings and textings, no more apologises and double messages. And he was left alone with his new great love.

 

And even without letting him telling me I can feel him. He is lost. The game of standing between two women is over. He has to face his new love and live with it. We all know th truth. He cannot do it. He didn't finish his old issue with me inside him. Rebound relationhsips may become successful but there is always a ghost there.

 

I don't know if we will ever be together again but I want to say something to the dumpees that I learned

 

DON'T FOLLOW ANY PLANS OR RULES TO GET BACK YOUR MATE FROM A REBOUNDER. AND DON'T GIVE A * * * * IF YOU ARE BETTER THAN THE REBOUNDER UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET TRAPPED IN AN ABUSIVE PATTERN OF FIGHTING TO PROVE YOUR LOVE TO SOMEONE HWO LEFT YOU. AFTER A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP IT IS SURE THAT YOU LOVE THEM. YOU ARE THERE TO SHOW YOUR MAN OR YOYR WOMAN WHO DUMPED YOU HOW A WOMAN OR A MAN WITH DIGNITY AND SELF RESPECT LEAVES THE PICTURE WITH CALMNESS AND CONFIDENCE WITHOUR LOOKING BACK. THIS WILL BE THE BEST LESSON YOU COULD EVER GIVE THEM.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Rebound relationhsips may become successful but there is always a ghost there.

 

And I am the ghost in my ex's life, though she will forget me due to her poor memory.

 

Elen, welcome to ENA and thankyou for this heartfelt post.

 

I feel this is true. As a dumpee, the temptation in the early breakup stage 7 months ago to jump into a rebound relationship was extremely high.

 

I am so glad I did not. I have not slept with or kissed a single woman since then.

 

I miss my ex, but I leave her now to live her life with her new man.

 

Elen, please do start a new thread posting this so that you can share your insight and experiences to others. 9 years is a long time and many younguns (like myself) have a lot to learn.

 

Thank you again.

 

Here for you.

 

TS

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for welcoming me

 

About the ghost thing... yes, I believe that when someone starts a relationship looking for someone to rescue him from his previous relationship problems or trying to be bad to make his ex leave him because he cannot do it by himself then he doesn't start a love relationship. He builds a house on moving sand and this never never works long term. Nothing will be that much different in your new relationhsip if you don't take your time to look inside you.

 

I believe that it is healthy and good when a relationship does not go well to make your move on it.

 

This could be, both partners to commit to fix the bad relationship or break the relationship in a clear and honest way. A rebound relationhsip is a kind of break up even if the dumper does not want to say it.

 

After breaking up and healing your wounds it is good to move on to another relationhsip. So when you get over your ex, move on! When you get over your past there are no rebound relationships but only new relationships. In my case , as I still love my ex, I will wait for some time. But if he does not come back in a respectful time from now and commit to make a new effort with me, I know that my feeling will fade away and I will move on leaving him behind.

 

I am not that old! And I don't know where to post this post so I leave it here!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Nothing will be that much different in your new relationhsip if you don't take your time to look inside you.

 

and

 

In my case , as I still love my ex, I will wait for some time. But if he does not come back in a respectful time from now and commit to make a new effort with me, I know that my feeling will fade away and I will move on leaving him behind.

 

Both these quotes speak out to me. I agree completely. My ex was my first love. I am reluctant to even look at another woman in a relationship aspect while I still possess residual emotions towards her. Particularly when I am still accommodating the fact of reconciling with her.

 

i am giving myself plenty of time too!

 

I am not that old!

 

But 9 years is a long time in the 21st century. I am sure you must have been around longer than I, even if it is a year or two

 

Thanks aunty.

 

TS

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am 24, same relationship with some ups and downs since 15 he is also 24. i had cheated twice on him during these 9 years just for sex. he didn't. maybe he should have done it

 

I had an easy talk last night with my ex, four days after breaking up. We pointed out our difference that i want to be in a commited relationsip right now while he wants to have sexual and emotional independence. Things got clearer. We agreed to stay separated so that he will experience his new girlfriend and his freedom and I will calm down without being treated bad.

 

I bet he will come back for negociating about the status of our relationhip during winter time... but i don't think that we will be together in the next one year. i also think that opening the relationhsip or have a separation is something that should be done one day as we were not thinking about getting married in the next years.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

About the ghost thing... yes, I believe that when someone starts a relationship looking for someone to rescue him from his previous relationship problems or trying to be bad to make his ex leave him because he cannot do it by himself then he doesn't start a love relationship. He builds a house on moving sand and this never never works long term.

My ex and the guy she left me for have been together 1.5 years now....so I cant quite agree with that quote....Unless you are meaning something else by 'long term'...

 

And lets say they do breakup in another years time, then rather than saying it was because it was rebound, I would probably more say that it was just another failed RS....

A rebound relationhsip is a kind of break up even if the dumper does not want to say it.

I like that quote, even though I dont 100% understand it....lol

I don't know where to post this post so I leave it here!

You could probably post it in Healing After BU or Divorce....

 

You have some great wisdom at 24 and it would be nice to get some more of your thoughts....You will also get some good support...and probably make some good friends too

 

To TSandullo: Hang in there buddy...You are not alone*

 

Ever Forward

K2*

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have read many many pages of this thread and it is all very good. Thank you all.

 

I would like to share my story and see what the board thinks.

 

I have recently split with my, well, ex GF in May. We where together for almost 5 years. Anyway, just to give a little back round. Currently I am 30 and she is 27. Prior to our relationship, she has never been in another relationship longer than 2 or 3 months. I have been in and out of a couple relationships but nothing serious not as long as this most current one. Her and I basically lived together for the whole 5 years.

 

Anyway, we had a typical relationship. We got along fine, had good times and had the fight and/or argument every couple has. April of year she completed her degree and planned a 2 month trip to Australia with her friend in October. Everything was fine up until she emails me 5 days prior to her coming home saying that "we need to talk". When you read that, it usually means someting not good....well it wasn't. She wanted to "do her own thing". I talked her into staying together and contuning our relationship.

 

Fast forward...April of this year, we didnt get along as we did in the past, she was going out more and more with her friends. I didnt mind, I am not the controlling person and I trusted her. I did not have a problem what so ever. Anyway, at the end of April, she wants to break it off. I can't do nothing about it, I let her go. She says that she "needs to do her own thing and wants space" and "doesnt want to get trapped in a relationship that she is unsure about" and "we are not the same type of people". She moved out in a day and went about her business.

 

Of course I was devistated and didnt know what to do. I let her be, LC for the first couple days...UNTIL this. She told me her password to her email etc a while back. I had to have a peak at her email. I found out that she slept with some guy 3 days after we split. That made me so upset and angry I told interigated her about it in the next couple of meetings which we had. This guy was her friends brother as well.(I know it is immature to look at someones email but I was courious to know what she was up to on the weekend). I know that she was not with this guy anytime while we were together bc it would have been in a email somewhere....I have reason believe that they are now dating or what ever you want to call it. Recently, she took him to meet her parents and friends in her home town. It does hurt but I know that 5 years is a long time to forget and move on in 3 days or whatever. Can you all agree that this is a rebound relationship??

 

Anyway needless to say, the first month of the break up was extremely hard on me knowing what I knew. I did everything that is wrong....I emailed her letters, talk to her sister on 2 occasions about ex and me (only about us, not what happened 3 days after). Told my ex a bunch of things that did not need to be said. Finally, she went on the NC (deleting me off her blackberry, Facebook etc) however accusing me of untrue things I was going to do to this guy, saying that I was stalking her etc...This was at the end of May. So we had no contact for 4 weeks other than come and get your mail but would always disagree on time and where blah blah blah. So 6 weeks after she deleted me for "her life" we were texting about the mail, what I have of hers and what she has of mine. She wanted to have someone else pick her up and she would have them also drop mine off. I didnt agree to that, we agreed to meet at a park and exchange. The meeting was very ackward and did not go well. I ended up getting in my car and driving away on her. (She had her car there too). After that, we had absolutly NC for 6 weeks. Actually about week 4 she texted me asking to get the mail that arrived recently, I just replied to her "yup" and left it at that.

 

So here we are....into about week 7. Mail arrived from Student Loans, in RED WRITING staying "important". I texted her that important mail arrived. She quicky responed and asked who it was from. I did not tell her, I just said that it was "important" and did not look to see who it was from. In additon to this mail, she had a number of other mailings. So anyway, we couldnt agree on a time that worked for both of us. The next day she was leaving town for a vacation with her sister (I know BC I was supposed to be there) and I asked her to meet me at the coffee shop on her way out in the morning before I go to work. She agreed with no resistance. I was in total shock that she gave in so easy to a quick catch-up coffee.

 

So there we are at coffee. We had a good conversation talked about the usual, work, play, family etc. I did not bring BOZO/DOINK (or what ever he is) up in the converstation. I told her what I have been doing but very vague in nature. I told her after we split that I was going to do all the things that she wanted of me like quit smoking, which I have. Also do things for myself which I also have been doing. She did ask why I wanted to meet at the coffee shop instead of my house... She asked if there was someone there or if I had a "room mate". I told her that I am not dating anyone, not seeing anyone just doing my own thing.

 

Anyway, we left the conversation on a good note. I have gone NC again and will continue. I think I planted the couriousity pill and once she returns she will be making the 1st contact. Does anyone have experience on something like this or any insight as to what is going through her head? Since I define this guy as a rebound, she will be back on my door step in the future. What do you think? Is it a Rebound and from what I told you, can you see her on my door step in the future?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've not read this thread but I thought the rebound was the man or woman that the dumper dated to get them through the difficult phase of healing, a human crutch, and when they are healed, they therefore don't need the relationship anymore.

 

In most cases, when a dumper leaves the relationship it is because it has been a process. Their next relationship is not a reboound, just an aspect of moving on without you because they don't want to be with you anymore. Of course having someone makes the transition a little easier for them but they unlike the dumpee, don't need a crutch.

 

I think if dumpers come back or react differently at NC, it is because they are simply missing what is familiar. Doesn't have anything to do with love but they might sometimes mistake it for love. They come back and leave you again in many cases.

Edited by uncomfynumb
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel your pain... i too was in a similar situation. My ex too left me for another guy. I haven't seen her for the whole last eight months except once. It really become difficult for the guy/girl who has been left behind and for the ones ho truly genuinely love their partners. Though mine ex too has erased me off her life, FB etc and I am on a NC since june 2 when i spoke last with her. This is the time she told me that she was with 'someone' it crushed my heart to a million pieces. But as i know that love cannot be forced. It's the monotony of the relationship that i guess makes people look for something new. I suggest play by the game, don't raise your hopes too high as I don't want you to feel the pain again if it doesn't turn out the way you want it to my friend. Just don't worry, be happy, take care of yourself. I too miss my ex a lot, but I have to move on once and for all. If she comes back or not will only stand true when you actally hear from them. And i would love to believe the fact that a dumper would come to the dumpee only if their relationship was good and they will come back only IF they want to come back to you after some realization of what they had was the best... Keep me posted bro. Don't loose hope... In time you will be fine. Let time take it's own course...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Angel

 

I know I will have to see her at least one more time in the next 30 day, possibly up to 3 times. The one time that I know I will be seeing her, she will be with her sister and brother-in-law....making things just a bit ackward. It is last of the 3 times that I would be seeing her. I cant control this last time seeing her, but all of us will be summoneds to court.The other 2 times that I may be seeing her is for her to pick up her summons request and other mail that has arrived.

 

Anybody have any suggestion what I should do? I am NC again but I know she will be texting me when she comes back to get the other mail. Do I make contact or avoid her at all costs (She still will get her mail) leaving her with the couriousity floating in her mind as to what I am doing?? When we met for coffee, she asked why I didnt want her to come to my house and if it was because I had a "roommate" or someone I didnt want her to see....Or is this just the ice breaker she is looking for to bring up that she is seeing/dating/sleeping with this clown? Should I ask her if she is with anyone?

 

Any suggestions as to how I should approach the next contact? Until then, NC!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

How about my ex cheated on me with this guy who she works with while we were dating, then we went on a break and she hooked up with him again. Then we broke up officially and we had a heart to heart and she admitted that there was nothing romantic there with the kid at this point and that she realizes she messed up in the past.....meanwhile she broke up with me over it and we haven't spoken in almost 3 weeks......she's so full of * * * * "there's nothing romantic there right now" ==== yeah right

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...