Ex boyfriend messaged her a sketchy message

[BellaDonna]

Honestly, I can't see how being a cheerleader for the OP and attempting to justify the violence he displayed against his ex girlfriend is going to help him any. #-o

[JadedStar]

Why is it OK for a woman to hit a man then? Even for those who say "physical violence is never justified", why aren't the women who hit getting crap like "oh you are a female, but not a real woman

 

Foglifter, IT IS NOT OKAY for a woman to hit a man, and I am not sure where you are getting that it is. I did not read this whole thread, was basically appalled and mouth agape over most of it, but no way, no shape, no how is a woman hitting a man ANYMORE justified.

 

As a matter of fact it also infuriates me when violence from a woman to a man is condoned. A woman should face the same consequences for going off and slapping a man that a man should face if slapping her.

 

You just are not justified ever in going around slapping somebody. This is not a gender issue.

[TheFoglifter]

... Foglifter. You are now justifying all kinds of violence and minimizing it. "It's only a couple of slaps""

 

Hehehe, well baloney to all those who are minimizing what she did to deserve the slaps.

 

... I also don't believe it's ok for a female to get physical with a male. The only time I think it's ok is when a person's life is in danger."

 

Oh I'm going to have a field day with this!

 

OK, you just stated an absolute, and then a condition under which it was not absolute. Continuing that train of thought, another person could come along and state another exception, then another, then another, then another. Before you know it, an "absolute" is no longer absolute, but many many shades of grey.

 

Obviously chocolate feels that physical violence is OK "when life is in danger AND in cases of infidelity". Guess we all just have different opinions.

[Dako]

FL,

Do you hit women?

[TheFoglifter]

... I can't see how being a cheerleader for the OP and attempting to justify the violence he displayed against his ex girlfriend is going to help him any."

 

Think of it this way.

 

You know how people get mad at me when I find a thread in which the woman appears to be the victim, and i say "well what did YOU do to cause the problem". If her man was cheating, I'd say "maybe you should have given him more sex".

 

I would be attacked for making it worse, and for being insensitive, and for being unsupportive. I was told that I was making her feel like the attacker when she was the victim.

 

Same deal in this case. Chocolate was the victim, he was not the instigator.

 

... Do you hit women?"

 

Heeeeelllllllllll nooooo! But I've never been cheated on either.

[JadedStar]

Fog I hope you are never cheated on and then slap your g/f. Slapping her is illegal, and altho you may be infuriated if she cheats on you, that is NOT illegal. The OP and this girl are not even married.

 

Your recourse in dealing with a cheater is to LEAVE.

 

My gosh with this logic, what would be next?

 

Fog, I know you are a smart guy, I am a bit shocked that you think slapping a woman (or man if were the case) around for this is okay or justified....

 

I am by far not one of the suzie cream cheese types around, and I err on the side of realistic nine times out of ten, but I just can't see how anyone could condone slapping someone around for cheating. You just LEAVE that person becauase cheating is the ULTIMATE betrayal. Violence does nothing but lower your own self worth and it surely will not deter a cheater from doing it again and NO FOG it does not really make the slapper feel better. Maybe temporarily, not longterm.

[Dako]

FL,

I wondered, because you encouraged him to hit her for you.

 

I've been cheated on, and didn't hit her.

[Meow18]

You know how people get mad at me when I find a thread in which the woman appears to be the victim, and i say "well what did YOU do to cause the problem". If her man was cheating, I'd say "maybe you should have given him more sex".

 

So, um, to use your logic.

 

Maybe she had a reason to cheat, maybe she wasn't getting enough sex? Does she still deserve the pushing and slapping?

 

Or does your logic only work against females?

[DN]

This is getting ridiculous.

 

Of course it's wrong for women to hit men. But just because a woman in another thread hit a man and was not told it was wrong does not justify in any way a man hitting a woman on this thread. That's just dangerous nonsense and would return us to the law of the jungle in no time flat.

 

If only people would get the point that violence under these circumstances degrades us as human beings and so does advocating it.

 

Let's get real here - this forum is about helping people in relationships not acting like some audience member at a gladiatorial battle of the sexes cheering on blood sports.

[i_love_chocolate]

So, um, to use your logic.

 

Maybe she had a reason to cheat, maybe she wasn't getting enough sex? Does she still deserve the pushing and slapping?

 

Or does your logic only work against females?

 

She had more sex than she can handle! Trust me! And every cheater has a reason as to why they cheated. But cheating is never justified. If you want to cheat, just break up with your partner. Just don't tell me that she must have had a reason to cheat.

[i_love_chocolate]

Of course it's wrong for women to hit men. But just because a woman in another thread hit a man and was not told it was wrong does not justify in any way a man hitting a woman on this thread. That's just dangerous nonsense and would return us to the law of the jungle in no time flat.

 

Then why am I being attacked so hard while this other women was not? Can you explain? I can ... she's a women !!!!

[BellaDonna]

But cheating is never justified. If you want to cheat, just break up with your partner. Just don't tell me that she must have had a reason to cheat

 

I agree 100%. And that is exactly what we are trying to convey when it comes to hitting someone too.

 

*Hitting is never justified.

 

*If you feel like you're been hurt enough to hit, just break up with your partner and move on.

 

*Don't tell me that a person must have had a reason to hit another person.

[TheFoglifter]

... her is illegal, and altho you may be infuriated if she cheats on you, that is NOT illegal. "

 

Ain't it great to be a lady!

 

Its just like how sexual starvation isn't a legal reason for a man to divorce his wife, but the second she feels neglected and unloved, she can take half his assets.

 

... been cheated on, and didn't hit her."

 

Did you want to? Why or why not? How has that shaped you today?

 

... she had a reason to cheat, maybe she wasn't getting enough sex? Does she still deserve the pushing and slapping?"

 

I'm glad you asked! I believe it was covered earlier in this thread that chocolate had really given his all to this relationship and was always there for her. They were talking marriage, and it was HER who had all the issues.

 

But I will have to defer to chocolate to answer that question specifically, since I wasn't there.

 

... get real here - this forum is about helping people in relationships not acting like some audience member at a gladiatorial battle of the sexes cheering on blood sports."

 

I have no interest in bloodsports or cheering -- I just want chocolate to not be made out as the bad party because of his reaction.

[DN]

Then why am I being attacked so hard while this other women was not? Can you explain? I can ... she's a women !!!!

 

There is no question that female violence against men is not condemned in the same way as male against women.

 

So what?

 

What does that have to do with you slapping a woman?

 

It is not the lack of condemnation that is the point here - it is the slapping.

 

Let's keep focused on what happened here. You had and have every right to feel betrayed and angry. But that does not justify violence. It may have in the past but,as a civilisation, we have come to recognise that way of thinking solves nothing in the long term. Violence begets violence and what is even worse is that it escalates.

 

I have every sympathy with you for what she did to you.

 

But what you did was wrong - plain and simple.

[avman]

She had more sex than she can handle! Trust me! And every cheater has a reason as to why they cheated. But cheating is never justified. If you want to cheat, just break up with your partner. Just don't tell me that she must have had a reason to cheat.

 

I'm not going to tell you she had a reason to cheat. You are right, if she wanted to cheat she should have broken up with you. Nobody here is saying you shouldn't feel hurt by what she did.

 

Then why am I being attacked so hard while this other women was not? Can you explain? I can ... she's a women !!!!

 

We also are not saying she was right to hit him. I don't catch every thread like I should. But I have in fact been equally harsh with a woman that felt it was acceptable to hit men.

 

Look chocolate, everybody here agrees what she did to you was wrong. That is not in dispute. We also all agree that you were badly hurt and that you are in great pain.

 

However where we disagree with you was how you reacted. And that will continue to be the case. No matter how you spin it, you shouldn't have hit her. Plain and simple. As I've said, there are other healthy ways to deal with your pain. Violence against others is not the answer and it too easily spins out of control.

 

I meant what I said about visiting a battered women's shelter. It will give you a totally different perspective on things and will underscore what we've been saying here.

 

Believe it or not we're trying to help you. None of us want to see you get hurt, but we also don't want you to turn into someone that hurts others either.

[TheFoglifter]

... had and have every right to feel betrayed and angry. But that does not justify violence. It may have in the past but,as a civilisation, we have come to recognise that way of thinking solves nothing in the long term."

 

Everyone here is a fantastic debater, really.

 

What DN has said here can have two meanings. I sense she intends to convey that we have "progressed" as a society. We no longer think the earth is flat, we live in houses, not caves, and we have some examples of how diplomacy solves more problems than violence.

 

Not sure I want to introduce the War in Iraq, and all the coups that go on in unstable nations as evidence in favor of, or against violence as a means to solve problems. Indeed it could be construed either way.

 

DN also said that violence solves nothing in the long term. Would that logic hold up if the OP, 20 years from now, confirmed that slapping this girl was the best thing he ever did, and that if he hadn't done it, he'd have been mad at himself forever? I'm not saying that to glorify the event, I'm directly addressing a situation in which the action could help in both short and long term.

[i_love_chocolate]

I answered this question before. The reason she claims she cheated on me was because she thought that we would have no future even though I told her I will get married to you. She said she thought that I would back off. She also said that this guy has a poisnous effect on her that she doesn't know how to stop. She said he makes her do things that she doesn't wanna do and then she regrets later. Are these legit excuses? HELL NO!

 

Everyone here is sympthizing with her coz she's a women. It's unfair that in today's world it is unfair to men. Women always get their way, even in court!

[Meow18]

So, um, to use your logic.

 

Maybe she had a reason to cheat, maybe she wasn't getting enough sex? Does she still deserve the pushing and slapping?

 

Or does your logic only work against females?

 

 

My question was directed towards Foglifter. I was curious as to how he would respond because he said if a girl gets cheated on he would tell her that she probably wasn't giving him enough sex. In your case he is defending you and so I'm curious as to what makes him defend cheaters in one case and not the other.

 

 

She had more sex than she can handle! Trust me! And every cheater has a reason as to why they cheated. But cheating is never justified. If you want to cheat, just break up with your partner. Just don't tell me that she must have had a reason to cheat.

 

I'm confused, you said "And every cheater has a reason as to why they cheated", but then you go on to to say "just don't tell me that she must have had a reason to cheat."

[TheFoglifter]

... I have in fact been equally harsh with a woman that felt it was acceptable to hit men."

 

Or equally approving. I'll be the first to say the woman in the other thread wasn't wrong to hit her fiance either.

 

... where we disagree with you was how you reacted. And that will continue to be the case"

 

I think this will be true for both sides. I am more than willing to "agree to disagree" and leave it at that.

 

... meant what I said about visiting a battered women's shelter. It will give you a totally different perspective on things and will underscore what we've been saying here."

 

I think AVMan wants you to put a proverbial face on your action. Its easy to say "I was right" but try saying that after you have walked through a shelter for people who are victims of the road you walked down.

 

So great idea, but I have to add a caveat. Chocolate also needs to spend an equal amount of time consorting with men who were cheated on by women they loved and gave their all too. That would put an equally strong face on the opposite viewpoint.

[ycmanvs]

Let me ask a stupid question. What kind of slapping are you talking about?

I, personally, do not believe in violence, of any kind....but perhaps you did not express exactly what you did....did you smack her accross the face? or did you just push her away from you?

[i_love_chocolate]

I meant what I said about visiting a battered women's shelter. It will give you a totally different perspective on things and will underscore what we've been saying here

 

I know that some women do get beat up and hurt. However, what I did does not compare to "battered women's shelter".

 

I bet you that in a court of law, I would be sentenced to jail. However, if the roles were reversed, I guarantee you that she would be off the hook!

[DN]

What DN has said here can have two meanings. I sense she intends to convey that we have "progressed" as a society.

I am male

 

DN also said that violence solves nothing in the long term. Would that logic hold up if the OP, 20 years from now, confirmed that slapping this girl was the best thing he ever did, and that if he hadn't done it, he'd have been mad at himself forever? I'm not saying that to glorify the event, I'm directly addressing a situation in which the action could help in both short and long term.

That's "the ends justifies the means" argument. I'm too old to fall for that one.

[Meow18]

 

Everyone here is sympthizing with her coz she's a women. It's unfair that in today's world it is unfair to men. Women always get their way, even in court!

 

Um, no.

 

We are not sympathizing with her. I don't agree with what she did.

 

We just aren't sympathizing with you either over the fact that you hit her and feel justified.

 

Don't confuse us stating that it's not ok to hit her with us thinking it's ok that she cheated on you.

[i_love_chocolate]

I'm confused, you said "And every cheater has a reason as to why they cheated", but then you go on to to say "just don't tell me that she must have had a reason to cheat."

 

You're giving her an excuse as to her cheating saying that she may have had a reason. I'm telling you that it doesn't matter. People always have reasons to cheat but no one should use it as an excuse!

[TheFoglifter]

... was curious as to how he would respond because he said if a girl gets cheated on he would tell her that she probably wasn't giving him enough sex."

 

Whats funny here is that I offered up that example to show a case where the logic fails. The fact that you are using it here to support the opposite point doesn't work.

 

Read my threads, you'll see I used to be a LOT worse. You will also see ample evidence that I defend a victim, not a gender.