sunwillshine

It does get better...It really does...I didn't think it ever would...Just about 6 months ago my relationship ended and I was DEVASTATED...I felt I was in an abyss...a black hole that I was just falling deeper and deeper... It is the grieving process...I felt it all...felt it, processed it, let it go...It took a few weeks to start feeling better...and then a couple of months to feel a little more better...And now I am okay...Actually dating someone... All I can say is hang in there...post here...I would write him letters (not give them to him)...I cried...I raged...I went to therapy...talk with friends... I had no contact with him which in the beginning I hated but looking back it was the Best thing... I also decided to deal with some of my own issues...and take time for me... It is a process...just try not to get sucked into the abyss...keep hope in your heart that one day you will be okay and he is just a part of your past...

Shika...For various reasons I had NC with my xbf...For a few weeks there wasn't a way for me to contact him (long story)...And I wanted to get things off my chest...I had things to say...but time passed...I wrote him letters (never sent) and just wrote and wrote and wrote...All the questions I had, they started to dwindle down to a few...then a couple...and then one day I realized HIS answers meant nothing to me...I wasn't even sure if he would even be honest anyway...My therapist had me have an "imaginary" conversation with him in her office...I haven't written a letter in months (its been just about 5 months)...it passes...the importance of "it", the reason, the answers...passes... Take care of you...

Thanks...Loved it...and it just made so much "sense"...

I think NC...at least for me...was because it couldn't be worked out and there was really no point in dragging anything out. It was Over...and contact was not going to change anything except make it worse.

Oh...what I did do was write him letters (never mailed)...this allowed me to vent and work through some stuff...And now looking at those letters I am glad i didn't send them...I was pathetic the first month when it happened...and certainly I would not say the same things now...Time gives us perspective too...

I used the time to evaluate the Whole relationship: the good, the bad, and the ugly...but mainly I used (still am) to evaluate me...what I want, need, like, dislike...There was good in our relationship and that is the part I miss...but it wasn't meant to be. I will take the good, learn from the bad and ugly...and continue to move on. With the exception of a 1 minute call from him...We have had NC since the beginning of May...when we were over. NC is a time to focus on yourself...

I didn't join this board when my break-up happened...NC was not a choice it just was. When there was a possibility of contact...I continued NC...What I am realizing now reading these posts is that it was the BEST thing for me...I hated it in the beginning but as time went on it got easier...and I do think it helps you to heal faster and move on quicker when you are just dealing with you and not them...I know other people who had contact after their break-ups...and it was drama, drama, drama...and when they finally went to NC...they started to move on...

Hi Benita, Addiction...that is what destroyed my relationship. It wasn't to porn but to drugs. It is hard but don't take it personally...he has a problem that he has to acknowledge and want to get help for because he realizes it is ruining his life. I begged, pleaded, cried, and loved him to get help...one day I realized love does not cure all...and I walked away. The HARDEST thing to do but the most necessary for me and for him. He did end up in rehab but we are no longer...I am glad he got help but am sad that we had to end because of his addiction. How am getting over him? Slowly but surely by focusing on me, working on me, taking care of me...For too many months it was about him and his problem...I ran myself down: physically, mentally, and emotionally. I grieved and then one day I started to live again...I felt all the feelings, shared them, wrote, read, cried...I just went through the process...And I am now living outside the pain...and living my life. When it comes to addiction this phrase helped me: I did Not Cause it, I can Not Control, and I can Not Cure it...it helped to realize addiction is bigger than me and my love... Take care of you! Gee

Closure...you don't have to feel for me...These past 4.5 months have been enlightening...I have learned a lot about myself and do not regret one minute of anything in my life...This break-up was a moment in my life to take advantage of...to learn about myself, my patterns, and what I want and don't want...I made a conscious decision to take my time and work through my feelings and to heal (not just this break-up but many things from the past)...I feel good where I am at...yes I still have some lingering feelings, I still am working through some things but all of this gives me more and more awareness of who I am...And for this I am grateful...plus I felt For Me...just getting over it...would mean I would be doomed to continue making the same mistakes...and that the time is worth it...

Closure...actually my friend is a guy and we were talking about it b/c we both are in the same place...healing from a break-up... Healing Hands...I relate to what you are saying...I realize I am also working on trusting myself...I haven't chosen my partners wisely and this experience has woken me up to trusting my gut and self-worthiness (feeling like I am worthy of a healthy man) so like you said maybe as I learn to trust myself...I will be able to let my guard down...Thanks! Talo...your words moved me...I am trying to keep the space between flowing...so it doesn't stay stuck...

Hi Everyone... I had a long talk with a good friend last night...we talked about all sorts of things but of course break-ups and broken hearts were our main topic...As I talked I realized I have built a wall around myself...it is probably a normal response to being hurt...but as I talked I wondered if this wall will ever come down...I am healing, moving on, working on me...but I fear this wall...I want to love again...I don't want to be bitter or afraid my whole life...It has been 4.5 months since my break-up...so then I wondered maybe it is "normal" to have a wall since it has been a short period of time...I thought I was ready to date again but just can't seem to bring myself to do it...Has anyone else experienced this? Thanks...Gee

Letting go is not easy...it is a process. I fought it for a bit...and then finally surrendered to the fact that I needed to let go for myself...Nothing was going to change...and actually after all I went through...even if he did come back...I would have shut the door... I am fortunate that I don't see him...there is always the possiblity that we will run into one another at some point...but I try to avoid places that he could be...it doesn't effect my life to avoid them...it is for the best... Once the shock and denial wore off...I delved into some pretty heavy self-reflection... What helped with the letting go was acceptance...Accepting we were over...accepting the man I knew and loved was no longer...and accepting what was...was and what is...is. I am better but still have some moments...these moments can be overwhelming but I try to embrace them and learn from them... It is all a process....

Yeah Motog...I know all too well...and really I don't understand that statement "No one will love me like you do"...What is that about??? All I can say is that one day at a time, one moment at a time it does get better...For me...it took almost a couple of months before I was somewhat okay...I just kept putting one foot in front of the other...I leaned on my friends...And like I said, although NC was HARD...looking back it was for the best...I just couldn't see it at the time... And there are still some days I want to pick up the phone and say What the heck???? But I don't and I won't... I have come too far to go that far back...Keep hanging in there!

A friend sent this to me a couple of months ago...It helped a lot...I thought I would share it with you all...

Motog...the first NC time is ROUGH...Especially when you are used to talking to the person every day...But in time it gets easier and it really is better. I hated it in the beginning...absolutely hated it...but others in a similiar situation who had contact told me NC was better...and looking back it is...I could focus on myself and my own healing...Hang in there!

Hi Richard...I can relate...my xbf and I met when we were both married...I was getting separated and divorced though...We continued for 2 years...we then decided to take a break until he could figure out what he wanted...He had separated from his wife and was trying to figure out what to do...We were apart for about a year and a half...we had limited contact during that time...maybe 5 phone calls...Last October he separated from his wife and they planned to get divorced...we got back together in Nov. Things were going pretty good until the end of April. To make a long ugly story short...he ended up going back to her...It crushed me! I will say after this experience...I will never date a man unless he is divorced...their divorce was supposed to be final in the summer...No you can not always know who you will fall in love with but I now have some "walls" put up to avoid a castastrophe... I have been to therapy to deal with all of this...it has been a life changing experience...one that although very painful...has been self-enlightening...I have been told you live and you learn...and I have learned a lot! Hang in there...It does get better...

Hi Jue...I am 4 months past my break up and every once in a while I feel like you do...The first 2 months were bad, the 3rd month okay..this month I have been better but I did have an emotional break down Friday...There were some triggers involved...as I have had no contact with him...but I was overcome with sadness, lonliness, longing for him...and then anger. I really like the anger because it reminds me of who he really is and what happened and why we aren't together and why I am grateful we aren't. The anger is the truth... I don't live in anger or dwell in it...it is this healthy anger that reminds me of the reality...no sugar coating or fantasy...the anger doesn't take away the good we had...it just reminds me of who he became...and why we are no longer. And lonliness gets me all the time...When I am busy or distracted it is easy but as soon as I feel alone...my wanders...my feelings loom large and I get in trouble...But I also try to embrace the hurt...not stuff it or deny it but embrace it, feel it, share it, and then let it go... My therapist has told me this is the grieving process...and to go through it...so I am...so I will heal and be healthy... I hope you are feeling better...Take Care..

Thank-you both. DN --- love the quote...I am the type of person that fights through the rough times... I guess it does take time...I lose patience with myself and get angry that I still allow my feelings for him get the best of me... And Motog...I do believe he was the love of my life...but addiction changed that! I thought we would share our lives for a long time...but that is not happening or ever will. Today was a much better day...sometimes I feel I am still on that roller coaster ride... Its just weird to me...I can usually work through things pretty quickly but I guess it takes a while to heal a broken heart...

I am new to this forum. I am 4 months past my break up but am still experiencing some emotional relapses. I have been through divorce...was married for 15 years but this break-up broke my heart. We had been together on/off for 4 years...The first time we broke up...it was more of a break we each needed. He had been separated and I had separated/divorced...we were apart for almost 2 years with limited contact during. We got back together last October...and then in May...due to some pretty heavy issues our relationship ended...I know it was for the best...my head knows this 100%...but my heart ached...We have had No Contact except for the briefest of briefest (1 minute exactly) talk in mid-June. The first 6 weeks were absolutely horrible...I felt like I was in a black hole I would never get out of...I did what I had to do to get by everyday and I fought the urge to retreat to my bed...I went to therapy every week...talked with friends...cried...screamed...raged...wrote letters I will not send...kept a journal...read...joined another forum...and slowly I came out of the darkness...and was doing okay But yesterday I had a major emotional meltdown...it really surprised me...I thought I was past the rawness...It made me realize that this is a process that takes time...I have a couple of friends I can share this with but both are out of town for the weekend...my other friends (who I love) do not always understand...because of what he did which caused the break up. It had nothing to do with cheating...but with drug addiction...the story is long and complicated and really does not matter because the reality today is he is no longer in my life and never will be...I miss my friend and my lover...I miss the man he once was... I just want to be over him... Life has gotten better...I have hope today...the sun shines today...I am moving along and on with my life...I might even go out on a date this week... I guess the reason why I have come here is to check on myself and to make sure I am on the right path...I believe in these forums...I believe in the sharing and learning that goes on here...I am sorry this is so long...Thank You...Gee