Abcd2girl

"Do you feel like you're moving forward after the last relationship? And are your feelings for the new guy deepening as you move forward or lessening? It's hard to work it all out though, I know." I do feel like I am moving forward; my feelings for him were deepening....we had this one date that was amazing and I had such a great time and felt really close to him...but then after that he started acting very "boyfriendy" and started doing really sweet things, but these things made me feel a little overwhelmed, like things were going too fast. I guess I got scared or something. I feel bad, but what can I do? All I could do was tell him about it, but I don't think he understands.

That's a good question....I guess taking it slow is not rushing into things too quickly, taking the time to get to know the person, not getting intimate right away, those sorts of things. As far as seeing a future with him...that's the thing...in order to figure that out, I think I have to be in a place where I can open my heart fully to him, and I am not there yet. I want to be, but these things take time I guess. I can't force myself to feel a way that I don't right now.

I was more of the dumper...I saw that the relationship wasn't moving forward after 5 years and felt it best to move on. But of course "moving on" is a process and takes time. I met this new guy 6 months after my ex and I broke up, but we started out as friends. We have been dating for the last couple of months.

I've been dating this great guy for the last few months. I had made it clear from the beginning that I needed to take things really slow (in fact we started out as friends) because six months earlier, I had just got out of a long-term (5 yrs total, 3 living together) relationship and was not ready for anything serious. I kept mentioning that I needed to take things slow a few more times, because I could see that he really liked me. At first I wasn't sure how I felt about him, but in time I liked him more and felt more comfortable. Then at some point I began to feel overwhelmed and things were going too fast, so I pulled away a little. He noticed and we talked about it, and again I told him I needed to take things slow. Why do I feel so bad about this? I am still trying to heal from my last relationship and I don't want to hurt this guy, so I have tried to be honest from the beginning about everything. I really do like spending time with him, I just wish he would listen to what I'm saying and understand where I am coming from. I feel like a broken record saying I need to "take it slow". Sometimes I feel like what is wrong with me...shouldn't I be "over" my last relationship by now (it's been 9 months since it ended)...shouldn't I feel more comfortable with this new guy by now and be able to move to the next level with him? I can't help how I feel though...I just don't feel ready to open my heart fully to someone else....why do I feel so guilty? I don't want to lose this guy, but I guess I have to understand if he doesn't want to spend any more time with me because he wants more than I do right now. He hasn't said this yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if he did. Any advice/insight?

Definitely break it off with her, but tell her it is because you are not able to be a supportive person. If you really care about someone, you don't just leave because they have a health problem. You HELP them!

I'm sorry you feel this way. I too moved to be near my boyfriend and we broke up. It does feel very lonely, but I am looking at it as a chance to start my life over. It sounds like you have a good job and you enjoy it. If you want to stay with the job, is it the type of situation where you work so close that you'd see him all the time? Even if that is the case, believe me, in time it won't hurt as much. It will be harder to move on if he is in your face all the time, but it IS possible. I would avoid him as much as you can. DON'T contact him at all - I know it is hard - but you can do it. Like I said, use this as an opportunity to start over and meet new people in your community. That's what I'm doing - join clubs, take classes, etc. And remember, just keep telling yourself if he doesn't want to be with you, then you don't want to be with him. I know it sounds simplistic, but don't you want to be with someone who REALLY wants to be with you? Don't torture yourself by thinking of the good times...stay in the present. And right now, in the present, he does not want to be in the relationship. Yes, it sucks, but it reality. And you don't want to be with someone like that...I know you don't! Hang in there and be strong. Believe me, in time it hurts less. And as you meet new people and start to enjoy life again, you will see that you deserve better.

You might be right about his ego. I bet he was surprised that you never attempted to contact him and he was curious and that's why he emailed you. It's a little power control game - he broke up with you and had the upper hand, you never contacted him and this bothered him and then (in his mind) the power shifted to you, so he had to get the power back by emailing you and saying "take care" when you responded. He knows this will bother you, so now he has the power back. It's sick to do that to somebody, especially when you must know that you hurt them so badly. Don't worry about sending the email, sometimes it helps to let out a little steam. He hasn't given you any real signs that he wants things to be different, so try to forget about him and don't get sucked into his little games.

My boyfriend and I agreed to break up, the next day he went on a business trip (good timing) and I spent the week crying and packing my entire life up. He called once during that week, but then that was it. Things were left on good terms, but I was heartbroken. He seemed to be fine. I haven't attempted to contact him once in the last 2 months, but he has e-mailed be 3times. The e-mails were very casual though, no emotion, no "I miss you and love you and wish I didn't let you go" or anything...which is what I WANT to hear!

I'm going through a breakup too (almost 5 years together) and I was tempted to check his email account, but thankfully I didn't. There are some things that are better not knowing. You are preventing yourself from moving on if you do things like that. But like one of the above posts said, now you know that he is moving on and that knowledge should help you move on. After all, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? The pain WILL subside, and in time you will find someone who is more worthy of you.

No, you don't want him back. He doesn't deserve you. You sound like a very caring person, and you will find someone who truly appreciates you. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I really believe everything happens for a reason, and going through this will put you on a new path in life and anything can happen there.

I have to give you a lot of credit for really trying hard to work things out with this girl. It's more than a lot of guys would do. I agree with the above post, it sounds like she is trying to sabotage the relationship. Almost like she doesn't WANT things to change. People do that when they can't face things. They almost turn it around on their partner. I've experienced that in some relationships - the person mentions something that bothers them, you work on it, and instead of the person appreciating what you've done, they disregard it and complain about something else. I would say keep reading and working on yourself, that's great. Do it for yourself, not her. Especially if she can't appreciate it. Take a step back and look at the relationship from the outside. It seems that you are doing so much to save the relationship, what is she doing? Both people have to want to make it work. I hope everything works out. Good luck.

1. 4 years, 9 months 2. 3 weeks ago 3. Committment problem? Who knows. When I mentioned moving our relationship to next level, he brought up all these things that were bothering him about me that he never mentioned before. Things that were a part of who I am, not things I was doing to him. We decided it was best to split. 4. Me = 33, him = 35