Batya33

Oh what a rough and vulnerable situation for you ! I am sorry and sorry about your loss of your father. As I read your post my most important thought was “there must be a way to compromise “. So for example- attend the funeral and sit in the back to avoid his son? plesse don’t pressure the family about showing up to the other event you mentioned. Respect their wishes and find another way to communicate. To me that’s the right thing to do. again I’m sorry you’re faced with such a tough decision and situation. Wish you peace.

My analogy is showering in the morning - because I have my morning shift - somewhere between 5am-8:45-isham of getting my son ready for and taking him to school before I have my "work work" and before any of that I work out. Fortunately it's extremely rare that we have impromptu meetings and since I worked as a full time mom for 7 years where I didn't get dressed in that sense I still feel productive/alert/ready to work even if I'm not suitably dressed. But showering even if I don't "have to" is that good transition feeling.

I was 42 and my husband 42 when we had our son. He’s 13. I’m sorry your father had such a generalized negative view of all professional mental health providers. If you go the best attitude is open mind. Yes from my experience with health care providers in general they will take a full medical and mental health history. Yes they likely will ask about your past. How much after that depends on the therapeutic approach taken by the health care provider. How would you like if you had a child who decided to pretend he was kidnapped as a prank because he watched a lot of YouTube videos ? Or your friend pretended your pet was kidnapped or your car was stolen ? There’s a disconnect here that defies basic common sense let alone ethics and morals (

If you tell yourself the lie that it’s because of YouTube - even if you watched it 1000 times - you’re pranking yourself and nothing will change. With a professional I’d also get to the root of why as an adult you are so incredibly needy for attention that negative attention works too and to the lengths you took it and the incredible emotional pain you put another human through. This is your real self. Part of it. Sure it’s fine to try something you saw on YouTube. Thats how I gave my son and husband pandemic lockdown haircuts. But not if it can hurt another person or animal. You know that as part of your real self and you chose a part of your real self that was so desperate for attention you rehearsed a way to deceive your girlfriend in an incredibly humiliating way.

I suggest you contact your doctor and/or a mental health/suicide help line. I am very sorry you're struggling.

Have you ever been evaluated as far as your challenges with social skills, reading social cues? What do you think motivated you to put in all that time and effort to tricking your girlfriend into believing you were proposing marriage to her?

I like that song (and Sheryl Crow) and it's a very broad statement - I would counter with are you strong enough to make changes and have the humility to do so? Just a rhetorical question - not to get a man -just for you -I think it takes a lot of strength to do so. And if someone accepts that their partner cannot or will not change and chooses to walk away is that person weak or is that person accepting incompatibility?

Your friend who is against marriage is against deliberately tricking people. Nothing to do with being for or against marriage. Would someone who is against having a child be for faking a positive pregnancy test and tricking their partner ? You have an odd sense of ethics. I hope you choose to change and it sounds like you are motivated to put in the effort.

I only wanted to marry a financially stable man. Because that is what I was bringing to the table. And when I wasn’t it was because I was in my early to mid 20s and stil in college or grad school but was ambitious with a strong work ethic and fully intended on working to be financially stable and independent. Which I did. So I wasn’t seeking a man with money. I was seeking a person who was compatible financially - stable , independent with a good job and great work ethic. Once I became financially comfortable I did encounter men who seemed to want to date me for my $ and earning potential when they didn’t bring that to the table. Yes it goes both ways.

I wanted my husband back the first time I ended our engagement in the 90s and wanted him back within a month. I guess I was willing to risk a repeat of our issues because I missed him so so much. Oh thank goodness he said no because he knew it wouldn’t last past the first romantic month or so. And if we had tried again I bet we wouldn’t have reconnected all those years later - then there would have been too much past ickiness to overcome.

What you wrote about having a baby scared me on your behalf. You think your “noticing” of kids and slowly coming around to the idea is relevant to being at least feeling - feeling based on facts in your life - at least 100% ready - to be a parent and act in the best interests of a child. It’s not. It’s “positive “ to feel positive about kids you see around you just like it’s positive for me to see dogs around me that don’t automatically scare me as they did for several years after I was bitten. But it has almost nothing to do with being ready with your heart and soul to act in the best interests of your child. it’s relevant for getting ready to get a vaccine if you have needle phobia “I started noticing needles and not wanting to run screaming “. But no not for kids. No. It has to be much much more affirmative and active and feelings based on facts of your life to be ready. Yeah yeah no one is ever ready. True. Which is why at least bring to the table that feeling of being ready and proof like your financial , physical and emotional well being. And hopefully a partner with the same. Reality ?? I was about to start housework and dinner late afternoon yesterday and happened to check email. One puny email from the school. A minor situation with our son but warranting a 7:30am meeting the next morning. Nope. No zoom that night. Nope no phone call from home i was told. so instead of my alarm at 5:05 it was at 4:50 and didn’t sleep well as was worried it wasn’t just minor - no details just the meeting. Son had no clue what could be the issue. And of all days I had an 8:30 work meeting. And I had to fight my instincts to try and prep my son for the meeting and my instinct to be chatty and people pleasing. No. Showing a strong calm front to my son and a quiet calm front to the attendees with good eye contact and listening - at 7:30 and sleep deprived - was what I had to do. I couldn’t rely on casual “noticing” or some similar low level passivity as you seem to in this parenting discussion. I had to be all hands on deck eyes on the prize take care of and advocate for my son and give a good impression to his new school. I did it. The situation was indeed minor. He was in no trouble it turned out. He is well liked there. He needed me desperately this morning to be strong and calm as we got ready and walked to school in the fog. He needed me to be his role model for that as he was nervous. I was really anxious and tired. And I couldn’t let myself indulge in those feelings. With little preparation only 12 hours after the email. I wanted my husband to get his rest for his job. He would have attended with me. I said no - you need your rest. This is 15 hours of parenting a teen who is generally a good human. What I did - the situation - entirely typical of parenting. Probably on the milder side. I don’t get a medal for this. It’s expected. But I know I couldn’t do even this if I had your mindset about nudging yourself along to the idea of being a parent. Much less on your boyfriend’s timeline. That is why what you wrote scares me. You’re not ready. Most likely because you’re with the wrong guy - and/or you just don’t want to live acting in the best interests of a child. Which is totally fine and understandable. But then choose not to have a child. IMHO.

I think if someone is working for an employer or for clients or customers and works better "looser" as Lolita mentioned I think it is that person's responsibility to loosen up without alcohol or illegal drugs or find another line of work. I find I work better because I work out in the morning -it wakes me up, gets my brain working, endorphins, etc. But I don't do that "for work" it's just a benefit of working out. I can see where someone who works for herself like as an artist etc has more room to self-medicate to be "looser"

When I was in my early 20s I seriously dated a man in his mid 20s. Over 30 years ago. He was negative like this but I was too young to understand how far it went. One year we dated I student taught - I was a college senior - in a really special school in an inner city neighborhood. Oh how I loved working with those students. I told him stories about them and was just thrilled to be watching them learn and getting to teach them. I was allowed to be in a class photo standing next to the actual teacher. I was so proud. I showed him the photo and the very first thing he said was “oh! Look! There’s a White student !” I remember being in shock. Near tears. These were like “my kids” - they had my heart. I had no kids of course of my own. He knew how connected I felt to being their student teacher. His comment devastated me. I wish so badly I’d have insisted he genuinely apologize - I think I got some I was joking lame response from him. I was too young and too desperate to be engaged and married to assert myself. To value myself and my values. We ended things shortly after getting engaged. It’s Iike what your boyfriend said about your sister - your family !!

Completely agree. I always assume it's public. I don't post photos or publicize what I'm doing etc - also even vacation photos may give a bad impression to an employer especially if it doesn't match up as in "I have to go visit my sick Aunt" when the photos are of margaritas at a seafood restaurant lol.

I understood your question and to me it's related to being in a mind-altered state due to illness and choices that are made about that - mind-altered meant loosely- if your question is more whether people care about the impression it gives when they post photos that's a different question. I thought -and others who answered got the impression it seemed- that you meant whether a person can perform their job when drunk or stoned. Seraphim wrote for example that as a caregiver and teacher and business owner no of course she cannot.

Yes- please OP don't dismiss this sort of wild swing in temperature where you throw up from it. You get bloodwork to rule out a host of things like anemia, an infection, get your thyroid checked, etc - I'm not a doctor or a healthcare person but I know that's what I would have done if I had such unusual and concerning symptoms.

He sounds like a very negative person and with the world so upside down sometimes who needs that -the backhanded compliments to you -be careful because given his negative mindset the second in his head he thinks you're one of "them" all bets are off. He is not smart or mature in the ways that count. Does he have a job? Does he work with women? Does he have a female boss and if he did how would that go? I would focus more on the negativity than fact he is targeting women. Does he also make negative generalized comments about people of backgrounds or religions or races other than his?

No (but I've never been drunk, either) - interesting question! I wonder if working while feeling unwell/very tired (not hungover I just mean -tired-), or suffering from covid or flu or shingles vaccine side effects is then also an issue? This is why I like your question -because the potential effects -feeling disoriented/tired/focus not as sharp -is similar to working under what I mentioned. I guess it's the contrast of unwell vs choosing to be "unwell".

I’ve always been pro choice. I’ve always known it would have to be extremely unusual for me to have an abortion. Having to be a single mom where I wasn’t raped etc would not have lead to my having an abortion. But I also abstained till I was 24. By that time I would not have been a teenager anymore. But that was a reason I abstained. I’m glad your mother had a choice - meaning at least she knew it was “an option” if for example there had been a risk to her life or a baby’s life. Maybe she’d had an abortion in the past.

So with bridesmaids dresses - even in the 80s and 90s - most typically you try on styles at the store then they measure you and order. Then you return for a fitting. So off the rack is very very rare. From all I know. One time mine didn’t fit. I had gained 5 pounds from a bad birth control pill. But the store also ordered the wrong - too small - size - so of course I couldn’t fit into an even smaller size. It was really embarrassing as I was asked if I was pregnant etc (the five pounds were all there I guess). What was the best was the brides who said it was fine to all wear black and then we all wore whatever black gown or dress we already had. Saved so much time and money.

I would throw money at the problem and get a backup dress. It is not worth stressing yourself out to lose weight -and also for example if you have your period or it comes early/late that could mean the difference between zipping and not.

I too don't find it puzzling. It's like when my 13 year old son suddenly gets motivated to get ready to leave the house for something he wants to do vs. has to do - it's typical of a lot of motivation. Many people behave differently at work and school than "at home" - the problem is your definition of letting it all hang out is being mean to people. Someone wrote about an offhand remark about covid - no - coughing and pretending you have covid is not offhand. It's mean and you wouldn't have done it at work because you'd have been fired or worse. I remember last May I was at my husband's graduation ceremony and waiting for him and a woman walked by actually at a distance but coughing and she called out politely "allergies!" - she wanted to make sure everyone around her did not panic or get really scared. By contrast what you did is no prank - not a carefree prank -please stop sugar coating/lessening what you did to people since you say you want to take steps to change.

I agree but she also now knows his hateful pattern and she chooses to come back for more -she wouldn't have to be subjected to it if she stayed away.

Of course you are entitled to confirm whether you are the father. For all you know she was doing IVF or artificial insemination but figured she'd roll the dice and see if she could get pregnant this way. My friend did IVF-single mother by choice -kept dating while she was doing this, and even while newly pregnant. She did NOT have sex with anyone but also didn't reveal to men she dated a handful of times what she was doing. You never know especially when you have sex with a stranger when you are not sober. Also consider if you or someone in your family needs a transplant/donor match it wouldn't hurt to know if this child is yours (I realize that's extreme but don't rule out you having a change of heart and affirmatively wanting to know).

Watch the feet not the lips -what a person does not what they say. My eyes glazed over when I used to get the voicemails or e-mails "You are sooooooo amazing and I'm not ready for a relationship right now" I simply added "with me" and went about with my life. You two were not in a relationship . She loved the flattering attention, you loved pretending to yourself it was like being in a relationship. Not healthy. She did you a favor and I'm sorry you're disappointed!