Batya33

Oh please, OP -nothing to do with being an only child or your made up only child syndrome. My husband is an only child, so is our son. They don't behave this way and if either of them doesn't help around the house it's because they are choosing not to and/or not being helpful -nothing to do with whether they have siblings. This is an individual you are settling for. Do you have "afraid to be alone syndrome?" I am very sorry your father is ill. Why do you feel you need a partner you can rely on unconditionally? That sounds like a tall order particularly for a boyfriend as opposed to a spouse. Of course he has the ability to step up to the plate. I agree with what boltnrun wrote.

Why do you want your daughter around a man who is cheating on his wife and having sex with you - he is not your boyfriend of course and married men cannot date. Do you want your daughter to know it's ok to have sex with someone else's spouse especially when he's treated you so poorly? Yes she will know/figure it out. You really believe someone who is cheating as to who else he is having intercourse with?

I think she should assume he was dating other women -maybe I didn't read correctly. If he said he was not and he was then yes that is certainly deceitful. I always assumed someone I was not exclusive with was dating others. And the reverse. But affirmatively lie -if asked to confirm -not cool I agree.

I too don't think he did anything wrong -he can date whomever he wants. I think the way he went about it was inappropriate because he is playing at being a couple with you -seeing you multiple times a week, wanting you to go to a wedding in a few months -so he wants the benefits of coupledom so that going off with another woman for a week is a bit too extreme.

Common sense - people move towards pleasure and away from pain. The person who spoke who you are Uber focused on felt like saying bye because it felt good. Question is what benefit do you get from this level of analysis? Are you bored or trying not to focus on something truly important ?

It sounds like he liked the thrill of the chase because you told him you were emotionally unavailable but sounds like you let him try to convince you over a long period of time. Once he won you over he got bored and now is onto other things. I'd move on.

Well there is because you're potentially hurting your daughter a great deal. And if you get sick from being exposed to all the other women he's having intercourse with who's going to take care of your daughter?

I guess you want your daughter to see this as an example of a healthful relationship?? Not "in theory" -in practice that is the reality of what you are doing to her.

When I was dating my rule was if by the 4th date we hadn't kissed OR I didn't have the desire to kiss him that was it. And that was if I was on the fence. I know of several happy couples where one or both told me they didn't feel the spark right away -took a few dates -and then boom. I had this happen sort of where I was platonic friends with a man for about a year - but we didn't spend much time in person. Talked by phone (I met him through his brother who I worked with and was good platonic friends with) - and one day -almost a year later - he asked if I wanted to get sushi with him. Not a "date" really. That evening all of a sudden I was attracted -a lot (he was very overweight which was usually a dealbreaker to me so I never even considered any potential) -and I remained really really attracted the entire time we dated - 5 months. So I guess it can happen later

I wanted to follow up on what I think Kwok said about judging what is fun - I am sensitive to that because my life is not as objectively fun as it was 20 plus years ago. Meaning I did things, activities, socialized in ways that were thought of -by "society" as fun -and really interesting. But I keep my life and conversations interesting by being well read, up on current events, travel to other places and countries with my family and just giving a darn about what is going on in my friends' lives. But no we're not this social media type fun family. I don't post on social media in that sense. Please don't go there with what people post on social media as far as what is fun -for everyone with the fun vacay pics please know there are a good percentage of them who are not telling you about the not-fun parts of the trip, for those posting their awesome crepe making class followed by a Crossfit session and smoothies, please know that some of them would have preferred to be reading a novel but felt pressured to be "fun". For those throwing gender reveal parties or going to escape rooms followed by a night partying for a bachelorette party please know that you're not going to see the not fun hangover or the not fun splitting of the bill with people who take advantage of "splitting". Please don't impose on your family what is fun and certainly not by comparing them to your relative's family.

Great advice here. How silly to interpret it as someone wanting you to shun your family. Boundaries don't mean shunning -far from it -in fact you'll be closer to your mother when you assert boundaries and insist on an adult to adult relationship. Make your own fun - plan your own fun activities and once you establish boundaries if you want to include a family member -go for it! They are not childless by the way -once you have kids you might have your kids living elsewhere because they're in college or they're in a divorce situation or whatever -but you are always the parent. And a parent's job is to adjust to the increasing independence of your kids. It's really hard!! (My son is 13 and wow is it hard on both ends -knowing how much to let go, when, in what context and what is safe in this crazy world!) And needs constant tweaking. Your mom doesn't feel like taking up this effort or challenge - so unfortunately you have to cut the cord or cut it more. My son actually has to do that with me sometimes "don't hold my hand" "let me cross the street myself" "I'm not going to tell you the name of the girl I have a crush on but it begins with an S" [yes I randomly guessed and was right and he was in shock]. But seriously Alex- you know this is lopsided. You can love your mom and want to spend time with her and spend time with her and be an adult and assert yourself. And if she won't respect your boundaries don't shun her completely just limit your interactions. If she loves you in the right way she'll come around.

Yes -I agree- as long as he doesn't make light of it.

I wouldn't be lighthearted at all about your choice to treat her inappropriately. I would write "I am very sorry that I behaved badly on our last date and showed such poor judgment. I will not let it happen again. I completely understand if you do not want to see me again and if you do I would be happy to take you out again and assure you I will not repeat those same mistakes ever again. Take care and hope you are well.

To me it's like showing up for a date -especially a public date with a new person -sweaty and smelly after a run and getting over a snotty cold. I had a first meet once with a guy who showed up looking unkempt and out of it (was perfectly normal on the phone) knowing we were going to a nice bar. I switched it to the bookstore cafe downstairs and spent 20 polite minutes with him -bye. I mean my awesome husband showed up for our wedding in an undershirt - we got married at his parents' home and he's always running late and answered the door in that state - but at least he was sober.

Related story - I typically notice who thanks me for interviewing them for jobs -over the years I've done that quite a bit. In the old days it was done by snail mail of course and later by email. I don't think of it as rude if they don't because there's a school of thought that a thank you can hurt your chances if for example there's a typo in the thank you note! About 25 years ago I interviewed a very polished and smart woman. She sent us each thank you notes on beautiful note cards with wonderful handwriting. It really stood out to me. A few days later we found out she had lied about her work experience in quite a significant way. So I wouldn't judge who says "bye" or otherwise because while it might be consistent with manners it also might mean nothing and/or have nothing to do with the person's values!

Please make sure you contact a lawyer tomorrow or call the family court and see what free resources they can offer so you know your rights. I'm sorry.

Agree with the others. I've been in that situation -and in one case we'd been dating for two months. His decision to get drunk and treat me in a rude way was a dealbreaker. You prioritized drinking too much over being an appropriate date for her -showing up drunk is not appropriate and to me is rude and thoughtless. I get that you're likely not going to repeat that choice again - but she's entitled at this early stage to decide to go her separate way given your choice and treatment of her. It was thoughtful of her to explain to you why she was upset and not simply ignore your calls. i'm sorry it didn't work out.

I would make preparations to leave. This means - getting your resume in order, networking to find a job, even a part time job and/or getting certified or educated in something that you can do for work -not a four year or even two year degree necessarily -just, if you need marketable skills -something in demand. Clean homes/substitute teach, whatever you need to do to start making your own money and preparing. Find a place to stay and /or research shelters, places for women to go who need time to get back on their feet. Please don't give in to helplessness. You can do this.

No need to wish. Search up their names. You're so lucky. When I tried to search for distant cousins -I was curious about my extended family -and I was a kid -I had no internet, no phone, etc and could only rely on my parents for info and the telephone book. And maybe the library -paper files.

Yes. I think the initial strong spark is essential. I think the strong spark can fade or morph over time and the strong spark over time should be based on something really solid -on a true healtfhul foundation of love and caring and thoughtfulness and passion - so that even if the initial spark fades the spark can be revived and not based on jealousy or insecurity - on love, on commitment, on caring. It's not just about butterflies or infatuation -without that click, pull, glue, chemistry -whatever - you have nothing to fall back on during ho hum times. You only want him when you think he's unavailable or pulling away. That's not a spark, that's not love, that's not commitment. I agree with the above and with Catfeeder's post.

I'd look on Linkedin and Facebook. I am not close with one of my cousins but the cousin's adult kids reached out to me over the past few years and now we're in touch and it's great!

If he doesn't ask you out on a proper date that's not ghosting. If he doesn't respond to your text -you barely know him and to me that's not ghosting -he may text again or would you prefer the obligatory "you're soooooo amazing and I hope you find a great guy but I'm just not ready for a serious relationship right now." [With You]. I preferred silence -but after a first meet the only reason I would message first or call first is if there was a specific reason like I promised to follow up with contact info or the name of a place he wanted to go to. If there wasn't texting would you have called him to ask how his weekend was or you figured this was an easy way to test his interest in you? Did you really care how his weekend was going or were you just impatient as far as knowing whether he wanted to ask you out on a date? If he didn't as me out on a date while on the date I expressed interest, thanked him, and ball in his court to ask me out. Silence =lack of interest in another date. To me ghosting is when you have an established relationship -platonic or otherwise and the person just stops responding. I've had that happen and it's hurtful. And way before texting. Give him time though - at least a couple of days and also at least in the US we have a long weekend coming up-lots of people go away.

I thought that was a hypothetical he created -not something she said. I agree on the no visits to his home alone. I made two new male acquaintances/friends over the last 5 years-met both the same way at a children's event at our local museum and in both cases our children played together and our spouses were working and/or unwell. In one case I had far more in common with the husband upon meeting the wife. In the other I met the wife a few years later at their child's bday party and we never became friends. Here's what I found appropriate as far as boundaries. With the husband I had a lot in common with -we chatted when we ran into each other with our children at the museum (wife never came). But when I went to arrange a playdate where I would come with my son to their home or meet elsewhere-I found the wife on Facebook. Messaged her. Told her how I met her husband/how our kids met. From then on my only phone contact was with her -never actually friended the husband - we became friendly too. In the other case I was facebook friends with the husband, we chatted impersonally via text/facebook plus to make plans for our kids to meet up at the museum. We also had a lot in common and I kept it to that level. I never would have gone to either of their homes without the spouse present unless it was to bring my son with me. I share this because in both cases there was zero attraction on either side. But to me when there's a committed relationship/marriage involved then outward behavior/appearances count - the wife I contacted understood I was reaching out through her not her husband, and she was totally fine with me being friendly with her husband. With the other couple I am not sure what the wife knew -I never even knew her name/how to contact her but I kept my contact with her husband at an impersonal level so our kids could meet up. Maybe I should have contacted her too . She was really nice to me when we finally met. Each couple decides what is right -in my case I never had to ask my husband anything about how to behave - I knew because I have common sense, I am married, our relationship comes first, I respect others' marriages. If this man is inviting her over either she lied and said you're cool with it or he doesn't respect your marriage. Yes even though he's single he should behave appropriately. When I was single and met a married couple at an event I always made sure to talk to both of them not just the husband- to make most eye contact with the wife. I always assumed that being more formal was the better way to go just in case. This man doesn't care - and it might be because your wife has given him the impression that she doesn't care/or that you don't.

Hi -here's how I managed my expectations when it came to first meets or first dates - yes, I had many where we clicked that way and it was one and done. So if there was no plan for another date- meaning time and place or at the very least "next weekend and I'll call you Tuesday to confirm which day"- then that was it -there was no next date. Then if he called me and asked me out - pleasant surprise. I wasn't being negative. Just realistic. I'm not certain why you texted him. It's a bit overdoing it - meaning it's a fragile time after a first meet -he might have been planning to ask you out or perhaps been a wee bit on the fence and/or tired and hearing from you -who he just met once - might have set off alarm bells that you are overly needy perhaps desperate. Just be careful about first impressions. While on the first date or first meet show interest and say thanks if he treats you etc and there is no need whatsoever to follow up with a transparent 'thanks again!" text - which screams "please please please ask me out!!!" Be patient. Let him come to you after you've shown interest. Which you did. Good luck.

I agree with Boltnrun on this one but of course I get it -I hear ya!