Batya33

Listen to the Carly Simon song "we have no secrets". I don't think having a tell all session is the right way to go about this and might really be harmful. You get to know about someone over time, organically, naturally. My husband and I do not know everything about each other and we've known each other for almost 20 years. I do not want to know the details of his previous romantic relationships and he doesn't know of mine nor has he asked. It's not a secret it's simply private. Do you want to know details of his bathroom habits? Whether he ever feels attracted to someone he sees on the street or in a movie? If so why? I think you feel like he's got burning questions because you are projecting. You can feel that way and react by telling yourself that is his private business. Be careful about what you wish for -if you insist on some tell all you can't unring the bell.

Oh I see -that's a vacation. Not living daily with a person or even dating a person regularly.

Oh I meant in this relationship, it's safer. Yes you think it "will be amazing" and yet you don't want her to go to a bar or club without you - that's going to be somewhat of a tall order, no, in a city like NYC??

My guess is part of the benefit for you is it is much safer to conduct these interactions behind the safety of a screen and pine away and wallow in your feelings instead of living a daily in person relationship. If you want someone who won't go to a bar or a club without you you're entitled -it will severely limit your dating pool but thats a downside we all have to accept when we have certain requirements.

This is not about you. Your dad has issues. Yes, some people would find acne scars unattractive, some wouldn't care. The problem also is you chose to vent out loud in a small space where it was likely you'd be overheard. Why did you choose to go on a vacation where you're sharing a small room with your parents given your family situation as you have described it? Certainly no one should be rude to you but why put yourself in that situation?

You don't trust her in part because you know you don't know her well enough in the way that matters - in person - to have that level of trust for a potentially serious romantic relationship.

There is almost no history in person. And for a potentially serious romantic relationship wait till you have regular in person time together for the better part of a year before deciding there is potential for long term commitment. If that cannot happen soon I would move on. Loving feelings are not enough and typing and talking has little relevance when you've spent so little time in person together.

But it's different because you two work together so his personal life is none of your business and you shouldn't ask directly IMO. He may think he's just being friendly to a coworker and has no need to talk about his home life. When I first met my husband at work he was new at the company and I'd been there 6 weeks. We were invited to a welcome breakfast for the newcomers. I crossed the conference room to meet him as I knew he knew no one and also we'd grown up in the same town turned out. We spoke for about 10-15 minutes that time. Lots of topics. Never occurred to me to tell him I had a boyfriend at the time and never occurred to me to ask if he was single. When he asked me to lunch I didn't know if it was a date (this was 8 months later and we'd had a few more conversations at company events). So I didn't mention I was dating someone (not exclusively). None of his business. Nor did he ask.

Of course! My friend's then partner set up a trust fund for their son. But when he died in his 50s, because they were not married she had no access to his financial accounts, no inheritance (they ended up being estranged but still living together when he died) and no legal leg to stand on other than pertained to her son's inheritance as she was his legal guardian. So they could have negotiated more than providing for their son for sure. Perhaps the OP could arrange for that and they also can work out who would pay the legal expenses for the documentation.

Not an issue at all -just assumed where you lived things worked differently!

There was no reason ever for you and she to be talking as you were to "keep you in the loop" - loop in on your own. Without gossiping - and unless there's an essential reason you need to be in the loop about what others say about you, who cares?? I now work with a friend of mine -because she learned of the position through me and by pure coincidence also knows our boss. We don't work on the same projects but we have the exact same title and responsibilities. As soon as she became my coworker I was on high alert -with myself - to be very careful about what I shared with her that could affect my work. I mean - with a non coworker I might complain about having too much work. (I adore all my colleagues and bosses -I am very fortunate - and I've never said a bad word or impliedly bad about any of them nor would I). I never complain to her or share with her any issues that have to do with work-life balance. She has never said a bad word about anyone either but I even won't joke with her about people we work with because there is too much risk of one of us saying something that could be misunderstood as not a joke. If I ever heard anyone speak of her good or bad I would NOT share it with her -even good - because sharing good feedback could lead to opening the door to sharing other stuff on her end that's not good. It's better to be completely silent IMO. I do share personal stuff with her as a friend just adhere to that firm boundary. I strongly suggest you do too. You chose a path that was risky. These are the downsides. I'm sorry.

I agree. That's not true at all. Emotional cheating to me is often too broadly defined although yes it can exist and yes certain people play with fire. I have a lot of emotional investment in many people who are not my partner. So does my partner. We are married and we are faithful and loyal. If my ex boyfriend -a certain one -called me today and needed my help I would help him even though we haven't been in personal touch since 2008 (we are on Linkedin as connected and have never communicated there) - I would help him, I would tell my husband I was and depending on what it was I'd probably be emotionally invested. We were very close, I was close with his family and friends and if he was in a situation where he needed emotional support and I could help him I would. Yes, within boundaries. No I would not go on a date with him, no I would not see him alone at night in a romantic setting - no I would not joke about sexual stuff - that would be playing with fire. But if something happened where talking to me would help him because I knew the situation better than others I would. And my husband would likely understand and assume I would get emotionally invested because I'm a human. I would want him to do the same as long as his ex girlfriend was genuinely in need of his help and not trying to get him back, etc.

I'll give an example of how the romantic relationship can inform the professional one. I had a serious boyfriend back then. Worked for a large firm. A coworker -a married guy younger than me befriended me. We did not work together but had the same job. I thought it was fine as he was married and a professional. I had no interest in him whatsoever. We had pizza once during the lunch hour, we chatted on and off. But he started crossing lines - left me voicemails about how cute I looked that day or that he missed me as he hadn't seen me that day. Then one night he came to my office when I was working late and asked if I'd like to get a drink. I said no. He came around to my side of the desk, said ok and leaned over and kissed me "good night" on the cheek. And left. I froze. I was so strong otherwise and assertive and I froze which I learned is typical when this sort of harassment happens. I was scared. I called my boyfriend. He was NOT at all critical of me -he did not think I caused this or liked it. He did not "tell" me what to do but he strongly suggested what I should do. I needed his input very badly -I didn't know what to do -this had never happened before. I also contacted a friend who was an attorney in these matters and she advised me also. So I followed their advice. The next time he came to my office at night he again approached me. I said "no" -in a polite but firm way and he said "because of the office or my marriage" and I stammered (yes I was still scared) "both". He left. A few days later he was fired/quit when he threatened to hit a female boss who had upset him. So it was taken care of in that way. My boyfriend trusted me. I asked him for help and I will say his "strong suggestion' did have a tone of "you really need to do it this way" because he was really upset to hear what had happened to me. I actually needed a "mommy" at that moment. It's about that -sometimes it's ok to step over the line and be "mommy" in that situation where the person is particularly vulnerable and needs objectivity. Your husband does not and you're treating him as if he does.

Yes -we have different experiences. Where I live word of mouth works great and takes hours and also requires lots of social media, networking, potentially paying someone or outsourcing to manage the financial end, etc and all the time setting up appointments, rescheduling, dealing with cancellations and potential collection issues. It's a business that can make enough $ only with that sort of hours and time and expenses commitment -otherwise it's just a very minimal side hustle. Rght now there is more $ to be made because of the pandemic/post pandemic/telework - people more interested in decorating, cleaning, organizing, etc. To me the real money is found in people who are skilled and licensed in kitchen and other home renovations -not just decorating/organizing. Individual care service is great -she should check what licenses/certifications are required plus what insurance she would need to protect herself. I love the idea of owning one's own business and I think it's great when people take into account these hidden costs/time commitments. Maybe where you live there aren't such requirements or insurance isn't needed because it's not as risky. I realize we have different experiences and I respect your opinion!

I know of many many jobs which are not traditional hours, which require lots of travel and lots of unpredictable late nights and weekends and calls during that time. It sounds like that is more like the job/career he has so if he starts limiting evening phone calls about work and starts insisting on grabbing fast food that could hurt his career -if he wants this career. If he wants a traditional 9 to 5 job where his evenings and weekends are off limits he can pursue that. But he hasn't. If she is attractive that's irrelevant -many coworkers and bosses are. If she is flirtatious or inappropriate he can report that to HR or deal with it within his office or qiut, etc. My husband travels constantly for work and always has/always will. I'm sure he has long dinners alone with people -men, women, whatever - and lunches and conference calls and on and on. It's his career. It's what's required in his career if you want to excel and be successful. There was one coworker who I felt was calling too much at night and for my own reasons I wouldn't put it past her to try to cross lines - I expressed that to my husband and he assured me all was fine. It became a moot point as she stopped doing that. I trusted him so it was never a big deal just annoying because it would often be at or around our son's bedtime. But yes issues come up at all times of day and night in certain careers (including my own) and it's not a 9 to 5 thing where you don't bring work home/deal with work issues that arise from home. I got an email the other day at 7am from my boss who is on a family vacation. I responded before 8. And I'm only part time. But in our line of work things come up and there are few "personal" boundaries. I agree with the others that she is crossing lines by telling him how long he can take to eat lunch, etc.

I would not do this outside of a marital or similarly formal commitment. If she mingles funds (beyond I guess they both contribute to the mortgage) then if she needs to unmingle for retirement well, good luck with that.

Why would you burden your girlfriend with your anxiety over whether you had an "emotional affair" - what was she supposed to do about it -sounds like you wanted to unburden some guilt or awkwardness about it onto her -that's the real issue not whether you had an "emotional affair". Did you cross a line? I mean maybe. Big deal. Humans make mistakes. And it's too easy to click on a meme and send it then regret it. If you promised not to date or pursue dates with other people or have sex with other people that's the deal. You can ruminate and obsess over whether you more than harmlessly flirted, whether someone took what you said to be flirtatious, etc. There's something else going on here whether it's your own mental health issues or a desire to make your girlfriend jealous or wonder about you - do you like drama? Are you bored because things are "fine" and you were trying to stir the pot? Listen to the Carly Simon song "We have no secrets" or at least read the lyrics. I think it applies to this situation.

The people I know who excel at those sorts of services -like organizing homes etc spend many many hours networking and/or getting professional certifications, and advertising -on their own dime and time so the $200 doesn't account for all those hours in order to get steady clientele.

Your loving feelings are based on an extremely short time dating and is more based on longing/pining/idealistic images of who she is/might be. After you've dated in person regularly for the better part of a year then you will know if your loving feelings are the basis for a committed potentially serious relationship. JMHO

How much time total have you spent in person and was it all on a vacation?

A friend of mine in her 50s like me was smitten with a guy she did a volunteer activity with -they also worked together at least weekly at this activity.They were in their 30s. Wow did he give all the signs -flirting, they became personal friends, hung out together in small groups to socialize etc. He never asked her out. She went on some dates with others but was so focused on him and constantly reading signs. About three years in they spent a day together outdoors - not a date -and he told her all that time he'd been secretly dating another woman in their group and that the woman and him had broken up recently. She was friends with this woman, too. Didn't know. Did he ask her out then or anything like that? Nope. By the way she was very very attractive - objectively way close to a ten. He was very handsome. Lovely person who wasted years on this guy (I met him a couple of times and found him handsome and arrogant). Of course she was really upset and couldn't really be mad at him (although she told me how at a group trip he put his legs on her lap and I couldn't help it -I told her how I thought he was leading her on (this is before the Girlfriend Revelation) - she was upset with me. She I think loved worshipping him from afar and reading signs. She never married or was serious with anyone after that -she's in her 50s and not that attractive anymore. Not because of age. Because she gained a lot of weight (I don't know why, it's just a fact and the weight does not look attractive on her). She's still a lovely person. I have no idea if she decided against trying to meet someone after that -we drifted apart. Please don't waste much time on someone like the guy in your situation.

In my 24 years experience dating I discovered that meeting the family can mean a variety of different things. To some it's no biggie -one guy had me meet his parents on the second date -they owned -not kidding - a huge store just for weddings. Everything for weddings. And I met them at the store lol. Awkward! In my family my parents were happy to meet anyone I wanted them to whether we were serious or otherwise -so if they happened to be in my neighborhood on a particular day we might all meet up for a meal - but I found some guys took this as meaning we were serious even if I said it didn't mean that. It's not a reciprocal thing because of the various meanings the family ascribes to it.

Oh I get it - you private messaged him -totally get it! Yes, he's changed. Likely because he's putting in his organizational effort into his girlfriend, her family, her friends. I wouldn't analyze it beyond that. My husband is reserved and on the quiet side and has no issue making and keeping all sorts of plans. Sounds like his life has changed, as has his priorities.

So what happens if he finds out before a plane flight that the plane might be delayed several hours and they're already at the airport. According to your conditions is he then supposed to come home because it's no longer quick? Is it ok then if they decide to drive instead of fly? What if he feels like having a nice, relaxed sit down meal -is he supposed to tell her he's not available while on a business trip for lunch? And eat by himself?

I think it's on you. You were forewarned that he is flaky. Flaky doesn't mean on the spectrum nor does related to someone on the spectrum mean anything. I know families where one member is, the other isn't etc etc. He's continuously shown himself to be flaky and unreliable and yet you continue to make high level complicated plans meaning that involve buying tickets in advance, booking specific times, etc. Why? I'd also avoid discussing this in a group chat -just because he's flaky doesn't justify you calling him out in that manner. I have a friend I've known since the late 90s. For the past 7 years she's been flaky about staying in touch and in particular will regularly send me messages "let's catch up by phone!" - once or twice I scheduled a call with her and she flaked. So I was done. Now when she contacts me I will reply "sounds good -look forward to hearing from you!" She recently contacted me again -same thing -had been close to a year this time. I replied "sounds good -after August __ is better for me. Look forward to hearing from you! I've stopped resending my number, stopped putting in any effort. If she calls me and I can talk I will. But my boundary is not to waste time scheduling when it's not gonna happen.