Hi all,
I'm posting here because I have nobody else to talk to this about. I've been with my partner for nearly 4 years and we live separately. From the beginning of the relationship I felt something was off, I didn't have butterflies or get really excited to spend time with him.
My relationship before this was very intense and to be honest quite toxic. He was my first love and the final straw was that I found out he'd cheated on me with multiple people. 2 years after that relationship I met my current partner and I blamed the lack of butterflies etc on the fact that I now had my guard up.
As the relationship went I on I thought we matched in certain aspects, he made me laugh, he was affectionate and sweet... I liked him but I didn't have any strong feelings about him.....until he started to say sexual things about other women and I became jealous, he made jokes about my appearance and I became insecure around him......i told him how those things made me feel and he apologised and stopped but after this I thought if he made me feel jealous and insecure then I must love the guy right?
I know it's a messed up way of thinking but I grew up with parents who have a bad relationship and then my first real experience of love and relationships was a roller coater of seeking his validation, being cast away and then manipulated back into being with him because he'd threaten suicide.
But here I am nearly 4 years later still unsure if i actually even love my current partner and I can't decide if it's because he's just not for me or because I'm only used to toxic relationships.
I don't have much of emotional connection with him, I find conversations difficult with him and there's just no communication or compromise in the relationship. On the flip side he does make laugh, we want similar things for our future, share some similar interests, I feel comfortable being around him without makeup and doing silly childish things or cracking dirty jokes. I also get on well with his friends and family so walking away from all of that only to find out Ive left a good partner because I just have some unresolved issues is something I'm really worrying about.
I'm sorry for this long essay and if it doesn't all make sense but I just need some advice from others who've been in a similar situation.
