Batya33

I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable. Please know that when I was 35 and over and looking for a husband and potential biological child my age was a true deformity to those men who wanted a baby and didn't want to risk a geriatric pregnancy or the higher risk of infertility or potential genetic deformities. So I can relate in that sense. I could not control my age or the age of my lady parts so to speak. Egg freezing was not yet an option. I went on a couple of first meets where I was asked how I thought I was going to be able to have a baby. It was treated like a deformity I promise. I didn't blame those men. It was risky to try to have a baby with me! I gave birth at 42.

Oh ok- and so? Is it a positive? I mean no - but it can be neutral! I have c-section scar, I am short, wear glasses (horrible vision!), and I have a higher risk of stroke than the average person but I mean why should I let all of that bog me down? Why do you?

Yes it is when it has to do with work -it can be. I think people should date who they are attracted to. I declined to date men who I was not attracted to. Sometimes the lack of attraction had to do with physical features, sometimes intellect, sometimes their mannerisms, body language, tone of voice. I was not discriminating since they weren't applying for a job with me and of course all else equal I would have treated the person equally in other situations - like in public, or as an acquaintance or coworker. I worked with many many people who had a variety of disabilities and disorders and I worked with those people just like I worked with everyone -with respect and professionalism. No one has to date anyone they don't feel like dating for any reason. Some people do discriminate - a person who is racist and decides not to date a person of a certain race because of their race is declining based on racism. But a person who decides that when it comes to dating they prefer to marry someone of their own ethnic background is not discriminating - that person is simply choosing who to have an intimate relationship with.

I can relate to what it's like to get in ones own way of finding a happy situation, a good relationship. I did for years. Not as you are but still got in my own way. I was lucky my husband wanted to get back together years after we broke up. I could have settled a number of times. I wasn't beautiful or glamorous or like I said tall/model like. I likely was intimidating to those men who were insecure about their worth -more so than other women I guess because of the career choices I made - I had specific criteria although they were values based mostly and a short list of musts. I loved how certain women dismissed opportunities because the guy was short. Gave me even more options! One of my husband's serious ex girlfriends was taller than he was and my short ex boyfriend married a woman taller than he is. I mean it takes all kinds. Generalizing will just continue to get you in your own way. I'm also the mom of a teenage boy so I know from peer pressure, generalizing, examining ones own worth and playing the deadly comparison game. I work on these things with him regularly. I'm immersed in it. I get it.

But it's not discrimnation -it's dating. People are entitled to date who they feel attracted to! Some men found me too short or my hair too frizzy - that wasn't discrimination -they just didn't want to kiss me lol I guess. My husband had no need to compensate for anything was my point -he was perfect for me. I didn't care about his height and generally felt more attracted to shorter men than taller men. My husband became successful because he wanted to and worked hard and loved and loves his work - not to compensate, not to get women. He wanted the right woman. He had relationships including long ones but didn't date just to date, was very selective with who he got involved with because he knew his worth. That is in part due to my inlaws - how they raised him - oh and they weren't tall either. They made sure that they instilled in him the values of confidence -not arrogance! - humility, respect, kindness, compassion and a great sense of humor. He decided to take the ball and run with it so to speak. Does he like when people have said obnoxious things about his height? Of course not -why would he? He's a normal person. But does he try to compensate or need to -nope. Like I said he's not perfect. Neither am I. But he's perfect for me. No points to prove on my end! I didn't need to compensate for my loudly ticking biological clock other than by hurrying up and getting pregnant lol. Some men decided not to date me cause I was over 35. Not discriminating simply not wanting to rush into starting a family if we wanted biological kiddos.

Where I live there is no common law marriage and I with sharing physical space I think it matters why the couple is choosing to live together. My friend and her partner have lived together for about 16 years and have a teenage son. I think they are domestic partners, not married but obviously there's no real difference. Another friend has lived with her partner in New York for many years. He told her early on he had no plans to marry again. They are not married. She wants to be. She settled for his terms. To me they are not like married because he doesn't want to marry her. My husband and I officially lived together after we married. We were engaged for 6.5 weeks before getting married. We were expecting parents about 8 months before getting married. To me we were not married but our commitment to each other was like a marital commitment. Living together had nothing to do with it and didn't strengthen our commitment or make us more married. Taking our wedding vows and becoming parents shortly after did.

LOLLL. I preferred dating men who were shorter than average. Most people asked the question about genetic deformity of course would "prefer" but obviously in reality it's not true. My husband is and always has been very very successful and not just financially. Nothing at all to do with his height -has to do with his intellect, emotional intellect, compassion, kindness, caring, and ambition as well as passion for his work. Nothing to compensate for whatsoever. Another one of your silly generalizations. Yes some people -even people who are tall -have that napoleon complex trying to compensate for some perceived or actual flaw. One reason I was able to find a good match is I treat people as individuals. People feel comfortable around me because they know I won't make generalized assumptions about them, much less negative ones. I likely wouldn't have dated someone seriously who was shorter than me because just as I wasn't really attracted to very tall skinny men I wasn't attracted to men under 5"2 - but I dated and was attracted to a few men who were my height. My husband is taller than me and shorter than average. Perfect for me. Have no clue what people assume cause I couldn't care less.

I thought he meant to reinforce the notion he has of himself that a woman won't want to procreate with him because his deformity as he sees it -is potentially hereditary. Watching the porn he describes reinforces for him his opinion that women want a perfect looking partner and if their partner is not they will seek sexual satisfaction with a better looking partner. OP my husband is short. I am short. I knew it was probable our offspring would be short. It had zero impact on my desire to be with him, to marry him, to have a child with him. Who is a boy and short for his age. With a big heart he was born with and I'm not taking (much lol) credit for it.

Anything is possible - everyone comes with flaws and imperfections - and yet most people accept this and do their best with what they can't control and what they can. You can come up with a hundred scenarios to justify staying in your negative comfort zone and continuing the pity party. How about instead dealing with your actual reactions here on this thread as opposed to musing and speculating about what humans do or do not react to subliminally?

I think the huge relevant difference is they are not married. So yes on the practical, logistical stuff. Not necesarily on the commitment end depending on their purpose in living together. When you have a marital commitment or a marital-like commitment then the boundaries are often different as are the discussions because they're from the perspective of forever/the long term. Playing house doesn't necessarily relate to any increased emotional commitment or sense of the long term.

Oh that's really too bad. I never push therapy. That would be silly. Never seen anyone push therapy on this forum in all my years. I have seen many people ask for advice but in reality they want to vent and be validated at how awful a place the world is, how society is causing all their problems, etc. Certainly never give money to someone who would pretend to care in exchange for money. I never thought of therapists as caring in that sense. They are professionals providing a service in exchange for money. I would hope they care greatly about doing the very best by each of their clients and working as hard as they can to provide the best service possible. Similar to other professionals like massage therapists, electricians, lawyers, accountants, nurse practitioners, etc.

Oh I don't know any such thing nor have I seen anyone else on this thread even suggest that. What an odd comment!!!. I see what your agenda is though in "asking for advice." So I'm out and good luck as I wrote above.

No you confirmed that you missed the point. Or perhaps you are choosing to miss the point because it's easier than making an effort. All the best and good luck to you.

I think you're making a lot of assumptions here. Female therapists are not necessarily going to be less intimidating. It's an individual thing but also a professional thing - a person who is let's say very assertive in real life might choose to modify approaches/behavior for his or her professional life that includes interacting with clients or customers. Especially therapists. Whoever would tell you a therapist can change human nature or external reality? I'd never ever go to any professional who had those sorts of claims. My financial advisor who is a professional with decades of experience called me for my annual review of my portfolio. We talked candidly about how I was doing given inflation, all that is going on. It's like me saying to him "who cares about inflation - you're the professional and you're supposed to transform my portfolio into something that is growing at X percent despite inflation -who cares if I'm doing better than average under the circumstances -you're supposed to change external reality or you're not doing your job!" No - he works with realistic perspectives. So do therapists I suppose (I am not one, do not have one, know and know of many). A therapist cannot transform anyone. A therapist cannot promise that his or her patient will become a "functioning member of society" (is that even a thing -with a professional definition? Doubt it). A therapist can be a facilitator -using his or her professional experience, background, tools, to guide his or her patient to making different choices, perhaps shifting his or her perspective and that therapist is not related to or friends with the patient so there's also professional objectivity. The patient does the work. With the therapist as his/her guide, facilitator, perhaps even sounding board at times. I have friends who have children with autism -who are on the spectrum and with the guidance of various types of therapists I've seen these children grow into older kids/teenagers who have skills -including social skills -that help them function and better than function. For example. My father suffered from bipolar depression most of his life. He married my mother who is an awesomely incredible human being, had a successful career, raised two children and a cat, and a big part of this is he committed to seeing a therapist most of his life and also committed to a medication regimen. He was a "functioning member of society" despite his immense challenges. He didn't date much because he met my mom when he was 19 but he had friends and tried his best to be a good husband and father. His best -meaning far from perfect -it was really difficult at times. But yes it is more than possible. Good luck and I hope you stop getting in your own way. I got in my own way for years in other ways and was just darn lucky to wake up and smell the coffee before it was too late to meet my personal goals of marriage and family.

Sorry you took it as reprimanding. Not how it was intended. I've seen in my life many people take a self-deprecating/lighthearted approach to try to deflect. That was my observation. My father had bipolar disorder for most of his life. From teenager to when he passed away in his 80s. He was married for 60 years to my mother and together more than that. He never ever justified his reactions or choices by saying it was because he had this disorder. He complied with medication and therapy so he could do the very best he could by us. He could have used it as an excuse to cheat or behave inappropriately - "oh I was off my meds" or "oh because i was depressed I drank too much and behaved in this way" etc etc. He never did. He hated all the meds etc and he did it for us -for his love and commitment to my mother and his family. ADHD is real. It never justifies a person treating another person disrespectfully or worse IMO. Yes if he was a young child or a person with a disorder where he didn't know right from wrong, etc - but that's not him. You say he has all these female friends- especially with women he would have none of them if he treated them rudely or was regularly flaky etc. You are typing words here. Of course if you pepper what you write with LOL that might affect the impression you give. IMO. Good luck to you and it sounds like you want to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt so you can stay in this relationship. We all make choices -only you can decide whether it's ok with you or whether you are settling. I settled in other ways -and I can relate to the desire to settle as opposed to the alternatives. I'm glad I stopped settling. Perhaps you'll go through a similar analysis. Or not.

OK here's the thing -cut out the LOL stuff if you actually are serious about this situation. Do you find yourself doing that -dismissing your own concerns, second-guessing the seriousness? I understand he might want to catch up with her -I can relate- without you there -the dynamic would be off. But the set up of this meeting, his taking pains with how he dressed, looked ,etc it triggered your concern and discomfort and you're making excuses based on his ADHD too . What is so funny about this? If it's that funny then dismiss your concerns and treat the whole relationship as lol -meaning, casual, with no real future.

I agree because this one on one time is very date-like and you are not included. I think it's fine in a relationship to have platonic friends and spend one on one time. Not ok to do date-like activities or play with fire. I met my guy friend for lunch twice when he was in town. Alone. My husband was not able to come (and one time the guy friend invited another woman friend of his so it was actually 3 of us). I'd never dated this person although we actually met via a dating site, decided not to meet (because of distance) and met when he came to my new town in order to meet another woman -who came along too! My husband was fine with it that time as well He was invited, there was only platonic interest, this person is 100% supportive that I am happily married. And he ended up helping us with IT issues as well so my husband chats with him /emails regularly. So yes it can work just fine and be perfectly appropriate. I have had other platonic male friends and my husband has had platonic female friends. We've never ever cheated on each other not even close, never had any trust issues whatsoever, we've never gone on "dates" with our platonic friends and we've each at least given the other person the opportunity to meet our friends. It's not a set in stone black and white issue. It depends on the couple. Your boyfriend IMO is behaving inappropriately. ADHD has nothing to do with it -he has the choice to act and react appropriately and consistently with being in a serious, committed relationship. He wasn't doing so in this situation.

I don't think that's typical. I think what is typical is that someone whose values justify cheating keep their options open -whether overtly or a little bit subconsciously and often it's not someone "better" in any objective sense - very often it's simply someone who pays attention to the person who already is unhappy and who believes it's ok to cheat rather than end things with their partner first if unhappy. Yes sometimes the person is a better match (which doesn't mean the person is better looking -often has zero to do with it) - but I don't buy the "I never imagined cheating on my partner until he came along." Most of the time that's a load of whatever.

That has way more to do with her using her vegetarian excuse to be intimidating and condescending and rude -to be able to vent in the name of "ethics" than actually caring about how animals are treated. Reminds me of a former friend who insisted that she cared more about animals than I did because she was a vegetarian.

I think a lot of what is ethical is subjective. For example is it ethical to have dinner with someone in a restaurant that serves all sorts of food and imply that what the person is doing is unethical (by eating meat or non-vegan products) so that while the person is eating it's in a tense, stressful environment? I've seen people believe a lot more in causes than in treating individuals with respect -not just causes related to how animals are treated. I tend to prefer people -and feel more comfortable around people - who prioritize treating individuals with respect over being all about whatever cause it is. If being around this person when he is consuming meat or dairy products is going to repulse you I guess you can avoid being in situations like that and also avoid topics of hunting but on the other side of it I'd also avoid discussion of your food choices since for you they are not just about your personal preference but also about values you think this person doesn't share in.

Understand if you are with him when he treats others rudely or worse you may be swept up in any confrontation that results even though you're just "with him".

Please consider him to be a stranger for romantic purposes and safety purposes. If you must meet him get a hotel, do not tell him where it is, meet him in a public place for an hour or two during the day with no alcohol and arrange for your own transportation there and back Then repeat this if you have a nice time -all public -and do this at least 3 times over more than 3 days. At that point if you are getting good vibes then if you want to spend a bit more time with him fine - plan for another trip within a month maybe where he visits you and again gets his own hotel room -spend some more time with him, let him meet maybe a family member or friend. If this is not something you can do then don't meet him at all. If he is not ok with dating you properly in public over time, do not meet him at all. Your typing and talking are irrelevant here - he is a stranger.

But if my husband was a top priority I chose my son to prioritize -meaning not dragging him on a plane to a hotel and potentially to a funeral he was too young to attend. Anyway I get it. Look your friend has to find his own words, his own backbone. Look up the lyrics to this famous song from The Most Happy Fella -"I made a fist" about a man who discovers his backbone. Look your friend made a choice not to rock the boat. I'd stay out of it unless he asks you for advice. I once listened to a friend vent on and on about how her boyfriend was taking her for granted. I don't remember telling her to break up with him but I validated her - that his treatment was disrespectful, uncaring, etc. Well he proposed she said yes and I was dumped as a friend - she very obviously didn't want to be around someone who knew all the dirty laundry.

Yes this. Order seltzer with cranberry juice and a twist of lime so it looks like a drink. If you have to wear a bathing suit wear a coverup. Promise yourself you will talk to at least 5 people. Leave as soon as it's ok and appropriate to leave. I went to an unsafe covid-wise event last month at my office because it was a really important retirement related event and showing up meant a lot to the person retiring. I was seen, I made sure I spoke to a number of people, and I stayed for the most important part. My reasons for not wanting to go was the time it would take to get there but mostly I was concerned about covid and felt awkward as it was my first time in person since 2020. I am so thrilled I went. I met some very nice and very very important people, reconnected with others and the person retiring really appreciated that I came even though well over 100 people were there.

Around 9 years ago my mother in law died after a long illness. I spent a lot of time with her in hospice and loved her very much. About 6 weeks before she died we went back home about 800 miles away. Our son was 4. My husband continued to travel back and forth to spend time with her and his father. When she died he had to leave for the airport that night to go be with his father. The funeral would be in a few days. He didn't want me to come then because he had to make all the arrangements, help his father. He knew if I came to the funeral a couple of days later I'd have to fly alone with our son -which I'd never done -and would have no help once I arrived there (my parents were too elderly to be able to babysit, etc) and would have to stay at a hotel with our son for a week. His father said that I shouldn't attend because it would be too hard with my son - my husband said that based on what his father said he also didn't want me to go to all that significant trouble to be able to go given our son. We also weren't sure if our son was ready to attend a funeral. I tell you this because I did want to go. I did want to be there in person. And if they had asked me I would have. But I knew I wouldn't be able to be supportive given child care and our child might be more of a disruption than a real support. I had one close friend who judge me for this -she said -who cares, pack up a bag tonight and go and be with your husband. She had kids. Obviously with a 4 year old it's not that simple to just pack a bag. So you know there will always be those who judge. And judge without all the information available. I wrote a eulogy for my mother in law which my husband read. I watched the funeral from the website. I supported my husband when he came back and supported him by solo parenting when he had to keep returning there to help his father. But yet my close friend thought as a wife I was obligated to be there and should have moved mountains to be there whether or not it was going to be really hard with our young child. It hurt that she judged me that way. Please take that into consideration before you express your concerns to your friend or imply that he is going down the doormat path. I don't love that she posted the photos of the wedding but social media is rife with these kind of "breaches."