Batya33

I don't think it's black and white. Last night a distant cousin who I was friendly with as a teenager/early 20s (he's my age) reached out to me on Facebook -we're facebook friends but recently and exchanged some messages and family photos a couple of months ago. He'd been going through old photos and sent me one from the early 80s -we were at our cousin's formal event. It was a table photo and the only reason I was in that photo is I ended up spending my time at the event with him instead of my family. Because I had a crush on him! I am standing next to him in the photo and it brought back memories of course! I focused on those memories some, chuckled at how different he looks 40 years later or so (ok so do I), showed the photo to my husband and son (son said I looked bad-__ss" LOL) and filed away the little smile it brought to me. It's fun and great to think about that high school crush I had on him. We wrote snail mail letters to each other too for a couple of months back then. And we're both happily married. I bet we'd have a good conversation now too and I think it's highly unlikely I'd have anything resembling a crush on him even if we were both single. It's all about extent of focus, why the focus and what the goal is - not black and white at all.

Yes if he realizes he was rude and potentially scared someone it's nice to stop and perhaps apologize. We were scared! It was a good neighborhood but not full of pedestrians. During the day and all but still. He really was so sorry LOL - and it's sad but of course if the woman had been driving then even if I hadn't recognized her I wouldn't have been as scared-may even have stopped for a minute and realized I knew her -I could tell she was eye rolling a bit when she realized how her really nice husband freaked us out!

I've heard of it and experienced that many times over. Formal weddings are expensive and in the 40 years I've attended weddings and been of dating age most limit it to serious boyfriend/girlfriend where they know the couple and engaged, married. I found it unusual to be invited to bring a guest to a formal wedding. To one of the more informal gatherings -maybe. I went to weddings alone and often had a great time. I didn't have a big wedding so it was not an issue and there was no one who wasn't in a couple, anyway. What was extremely rude was years ago I had an unhappily single friend who would arrange birthday dinners for herself -where we all paid our own way and chipped in for her - and she limited it to no plus ones because she didn't want to be around couples on her bday. But she invited the guy who she had a crush on who wasn't that into her -and asked him not to bring the woman he'd started seeing. I think he stopped by. That was ridiculous. So if it is a situation where the party host is deliberately excluding significant others for some agenda or excluding a particular significant other that's a different situation.

I don't think it's courteous in the first place to call out to a stranger in that situation and ask for personal information no matter how attractive you think the person is. Several years ago my son and I were walking home and were about 10 blocks from our house. A man driving alone in a nice car called out to us. I instructed my young son to ignore (I wasn't sure what he said but sounded like a greeting or question) and it was very concerning for a short time because it seemed like he was still sort of following us, etc. About a month later I ran into him, his wife and young son in our elevator. He realized what had happened and explained to me that he'd seen us walking and was just greeting us (although forgot our names) -likely going to offer us a ride home! I had no idea it was him (obviously I didn't want to approach the car) -he didn't know our names and I knew his wife by sight much better -so I'd have recognized them as a family for sure. He did NOTHING wrong - at most a bit clueless because what mom with her young son is going to approach a strange man driving down the road who randomly calls out. My point is that a woman who is approached that way if she has common sense -is not going to react in any interactive way and probably shouldn't for safety reasons and it's unfair to concern or scare someone. My neighbor was sorry he'd done this as he saw that we were apprehensive.

I will mention one exception. There was one time I was invited to the wedding - ceremony and reception - my husband was in the wedding and I had actually helped organize the bachelorette luncheon for the bride who I barely knew at the time - but I wasn't invited to the rehearsal dinner because we were not (yet) engaged - I found this rude to be excluded from the dinner the night before especially since by then I knew the couple. But I went to the wedding. My husband also was unhappy with that arrangement.

Yes it is manageable if the person who has the issue that impedes daily functioning is taking responsibility for treating it whether through therapy, meds, a combination -some other method. It's not just about being unhappy or uncomfortable. Chemical depression can result in that person not being able to work, not being able to be part of child rearing or taking care of elderly parents, not being able to get out of bed, being abusive, etc. Of course there are many other reasons a relationship might have troubles. When it results from one person's mental illness and it's because that person cannot function normally in daily life, that often will be the end of the relationship unless that person chooses to take actions to improve their mental health so they can function in a relationship.

Many years ago I had a serious boyfriend but plus ones for weddings were only for engaged or married couples. Nothing to stick up for -they likely have a budget and/or want to keep it to a certain number of guests. How well do you know the couple? I think it's more than fine if he goes - you're not joined at the hip, right? Are you happy with being his girlfriend or would you prefer to be engaged or married right now?

When I see the advice to run it's almost always because the person with the disorder is not taking care of him or herself or self-medicating with alcohol, etc - it's not about "deserving" to have a romantic relationship or marriage -it's about whether the person is willing to do the work/put in the effort to have a healthful relationship with another person. My dad was bipolar and suffered from depression and was hospitalized. It made for an extremely difficult childhood. For my mom and his family he stayed on his meds, went to therapy and also went to the hopsital when needed although that was of course harder for him to accept. Had he not done those things I would have totally supported my mom in leaving him or not marrying him (she knew before they married -they were married 60 years before he died) I think people with disabilities deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I don't think anyone deserves marriage or to be loved in the context of a romantic relationship. I don't think anyone should be in a relationship with anyone else out of a sense of obligation except parent-child I suppose. "I'm not comfortable/happy with this person but because he has a disability he deserves to be loved and I will be that person". Not a healthy perspective IMO.

I would make a plan in advance with a place to go like a shelter - take what you can with you - and contact churches or religious organizations near you for help as well. I know I give to shelters and religious organizations to help people like you - including just yesterday. Have that plan in place and leave when he is not at home. Then if he tries to follow or contact you you can contact the police from a safe place not from your home. Then it won't matter as much if they do nothing. If he is calling them all the time they know something is not right with him.

I personally would not be flattered at all. Even if the stranger did do it based on what I looked like. I was flattered once when I was listening to this awesome 70s dance song with headphones in walking down the street when this car is near me playing the same song and realized I was listening to it too and gave me like a thumbs up and a huge smile -that was a really fun interaction!!

I know of someone who died recently after being left a quadriplegic many years ago from an avoidable car accident. She didn't realize her marriage/family dreams. She did realize other dreams - experiences that she had and created and all in all she persisted and rose up to the challenges, full of spark, ambition, compassion for others. We all miss her! What happened to her was unfair. It's unfair she never married or had a child as I know she would have wanted. Her child would have been lucky indeed to have her as a parent. Life isn't fair. I do know for sure that while she went through depression and so much physical pain and surgeries and horrible stuff -that she would have never ever let herself behave as the OP has let alone comment as the OP has to those with good intentions. There are too many people -one is too many -who have these sensless tragic accidents and their lives are never the same. Their lives are cut short. I agree there are many examples of people with disabilities who are successful however they define success. And many examples where the person does their best with what is out of their control and cannot realize their dreams that are typical for most people - not pie in the sky dreams just you know typical. What I do recognize is many of those people with dashed hopes make very different choices and find a way to contribute.

If I wanted to brag about how I stopped getting in my own way I'd totally brag that because I lucked out getting married and pregnant (well since you said I bragged -yes I worked extremely hard and feel thankful for good luck and timing that gave me that extra push in the right direction) I get to have my son get up early with bad dreams 1.5 hours early this morning when I'd often have time to myself and my coffee post-workout (ohhhh did I brag again that I worked out at 5am???) - and -get this -my son remembered my 56th birthday about 2 hours after getting up! I know right - believe me I'm not being humble OP -you too can have this good fortune if you'd stop getting in your own way. As I wrote above and I mean it still despite your commentary -I wish you luck and continued good health in these challenging times.

I don't think you have to go so far as heart -no heart yet -he's someone you don't know well at all. You simply are not comfortable around him or with him and you're picking on red flags and have no real strong interest in seeing him again even for another date -while trying to pay him back as if it's some sort of business transaction. I'd say the same thing about a new platonic friend. Good luck!

Oh I didn't mean that at all. I wouldn't continue to date him. Somehow you feel you owe him for a first date, you are meh about meeting up with him, making excuses, you feel you have to tolerate his sexting and also respond in kind -despite being suspicious of his motives. This is not a potential relationship. It's a mess. And messy wayyyyy too soon -so I'd move on. Interact with people where you feel comfortable in your own skin and where your behavior and choices are consistent and consistent with reasonable self worth. JMHO.

No I actually wrote the opposite: "Not with people who "agree" necessarily but with people who are open to input they've asked for, who respond in kind, who are appreciative. I am not finding that here." Good luck to you and hope you stay in good health in these challenging times!

Yes- so I'd explore the weird part because you're reacting to the weird part in potentially harmful ways.

I'm not arguing or debating. Not interested in doing so. I know of many examples counter to your blanket "never" statements and I'm not interested in sharing those with you because from your continued reactions to what people are writing here-waste of my time. I help a lot of people as a friend, an acquaintance, a complete stranger too with charity and volunteer work. I help people through my work as well. And I am a firm believer in my own boundaries so if I am asked for input -as you did on this thread -but am met with pie in the sky challenges, obstacles, word twisting, deliberate misinterpretations - I'm done as my time is best spent elsewhere. Not with people who "agree" necessarily but with people who are open to input they've asked for, who respond in kind, who are appreciative. I am not finding that here. At all. I still wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do.

Right of course not -you told him it was a gift. So it is. I'd really explore why you choose these behaviors and reactions to help you in the future in interacting both on dates and just generally in life.

Also you have no idea why he wanted your number -perhaps to share it with his business, spam you with sales calls, etc and please don't give information to strangers about your marital status. A woman once approached me at a supermarket in the evening. I was exhausted, doing a quick shopping after work -and I was in my 9th month. She said "can I ask you a personal question -what month are you in?" I turned to her, and simply and directly said "that's my personal business" and walked away. No need to respond to strangers!

I would not interact with a person who behaved this way. My family and I were in Europe last month on a long bus ride to a historical site. Two guys got on and had been drinking. Maybe 20s-30s. I was sitting alone and my husband and son across the aisle. I was minding my own business. One started asking if I was dutch (no we were not in the Netherlands LOL) and I ignored him. He talked to me again and flirted with a woman a few rows back. Somehow he hacked into our phones (via wifi on the bus) and called us even the next day (we blocked all calls). Point is this person who "approached" you in the way he did could have been up to no good like this guy. Approach in public can be totally fine. It's contextual. I chatted with my seatmate for a few hours on a flight -a guy - and turned out he was a famous singer/rock star lol. I chatted with a man while waiting at the gate at an airport and we discovered we knew people in common and his wife was a politician I was familiar with -but she wasn't there. I've met men in "public" places but I would never respond to a man just coming up and asking for my number even at a planned event -or a woman for that matter. That's inappropriate and weird unless it's an established networking event where people come specifically to chat for a minute then exchange contact info. I think approaching for dating purposes works much much better in an environment where it's expected -whether it's a dinner party or the playroom at a museum where parents gather with their kids - yes, I met a man this way -not for romantic purposes -but we started chatting -his wife was home unwell - and our kids played together for hours, we walked around the museum together and we exchanged contact info. But -when I contacted what I did was message his wife on Facebook, tell her how I'd met her husband and son, and suggested we all get together again. That is what I mean - people who want others to be comfortable and do their utmost not to give off a weird or inappropriate impression take extra steps and forethought before communicating or contacting. Truth was I ended up having tons more in common with her husband than her but my priority was behaving appropriately. A man who approaches a woman in public how you described likely missed that day in kindergarten when basic manners were taught. I've rambled but I feel strongly about these sorts of things.

How serious were the two of you -you tell someone you're serious with you "can't hang out anymore" -were you dating seriously or hanging out? Were you clear you wanted no contact with him? Also yes why haven't you blocked the number?

Why in the world are you sending him that amount of money in this situation? Is this something you're routinely comfortable with -sending this amount of money to people you don't know well -and especially since you're very unsure about where this is headed. He took you on a first date -many people treat on a first date (although a couple hundred bucks sounds like a lot for dinner but whatever). You think he's being demanding but he's picking up on your reactions -you're ok with him sending you all those sexually suggestive texts and then you flippantly offer to spend all that $ on him - so him asking for a ride is sort of based on the vibe you're giving off - he's a person who pushes the envelope right so where's the shocker here. What's really going on here with you?

This woman is different. Also why would a woman want to spend all this time with a man in a committed relationship without asking to meet her, do an activity all together? Example- about 17 years ago when my husband and I were first dating seriously my friend P - a guy -asked to meet up on a Friday night. I said that we should all go out - my boyfriend included and he agreed but asked to meet me alone an hour earlier because we could catch up more personally. He'd never met my boyfriend. I had never dated P. I met him at a high school reunion -not my high school -we knew people in common, I'd considered dating him and suggested lunch (years before I was with my boyfriend) - then had lunch and discovered we would not be a good match. I don't think P ever knew, it was all platonic, I got over the initial "attraction" quickly after that and we stayed friends. It was the only time in all these years my husband objected. He said it was a Friday night -our date night -and it was inappropriate for P to suggest meeting me alone an hour earlier. Especially since he'd never met him. I called P. P agreed actually and apologized for suggesting it and apologized to my boyfriend and did his utmost to be a friend to him (yes, successfully). Communication worked but I chose my bf -I actually didn't see how wrong it was but respected that my boyfriend did and he was my priority and was being reasonable about the compromise. It's often a gray area!

Agree with this question. If he has asked that of you know he is not looking for a relationship as any priority - his priority is to meet you and have sex with you.

With rare exception most people experiencing physical or mental anguish are willing to seek medical attention. Likewise with rare exception most people who ask for advice because they are feeling pain of some sort and dismiss including rudely all suggestions likely are benefiting in some way from remaining in pain such that the benefit outweighs the effort of seeking treatment or a potential solution. You get to remain in your negative comfort zone and the attention you get for your venting is worth it as to you negative attention is better than being ignored. I had anguish for a time about being single in my late 30s and wanting a husband and family. It was extremely hard to watch as one by one my friends found their spouses and moved on and got pregnant etc. in hindsight what I realize is I benefited because I didn’t have to accept that being with the right person required me to accept someone who was available. Where the excitement by definition wouldn’t come from the thrill of the chase. Where sometimes it would be fine or even “meh” but not like on adrenaline and waiting for his call. Because he called. He showed up. He was steady. He wasn’t going anywhere. He wanted me and only me. No need to win someone over. No need to strategize how to get him to want me still. At least not after the first couple of dates. I had to accept that true love means you create your own excitement - you have to be the person who’s an involved partner. It’s not like a car wash where infatuation washes over you because you breathlessly wait for his call. I wasn’t always like that or like that all the time but enough that I got in my own way. I felt anguish. I felt misunderstood whining about how I just wanted to meet the right person and not settle. My mom was so tired of me complaining. My sister too. It was boring. But to me it was painful. Mental anguish. With all those wedding invites and baby shower invites and well meaning but hurtful comments in my face again and again. so please don’t come here thinking you have the monopoly on the anguish of being unhappily single. And turning to porn for comfort. Stop biting the hands that are trying to feed you. Stop getting in your own way. If you’re up for the challenge. Are you ???