I am new here, but I dont really know where else to get help regarding my situation. (This is long but I tried to include everything I am going through).
I have been with my bf for about 9 years. We have been living together for 7 years. During this time there were many issues about him that really terrified me. The knife incident happened maybe 4 years ago. We were having a petty argument, and I went into my room to calm down, quietly cry for a few mins and then I lay down to try and get some sleep. Not even 2 minutes later be started trying to bash my door in, and the lock snapped off. He came into my room, and he crawled onto my bed, and took out his pocket knife, and held it over me and pretended to stab me maybe 7 times and then left.
I didnt really sleep much that night. The next day I confronted him about it, and he told me it was my fault he acted like that. He told me to not poke the bear (his words). From that point onward he did this thing where multiple times per day (I mean all day long) he would take out the same pocket knife and smile at me while showing me the blade. If I was scared he would laugh and call me emotional. This went on for 2 years every single day. All day everyday. Showing me the blade and smiling at me. Laughing at my confusion and fear.
He has raped me (although he doesnt do this now) I am always afraid he will again. He used to penetrate me and it would hurt so bad, and he wouldnt stop even though I kept telling him to stop. He did this all the time. He grab my arms really hard, almost like his fingers felt like they were puncturing my skin, and everything would just always hurt, and he never would stop. This lasted most of our relationship. He also used to grab my hand really hard like a claw, and force me to touch him...if I pulled away he did it harder, and hurt me.
He constantly degrades me. Saying nobody would want me, that I cant survive without him, that if I move out I would be in poverty without him, he says I am a terrible wife (we arnt married) and as he eats the homecooked meals I make he says I am a b*tch, c*nt, p*s...so on...unprovoked. He is a massive alcoholic. He drinks a lot everday, and I avoid him at all costs when he drinks because he is EXTREMELY hyperactive the moment the beer touches his lips, ...he changes. He is aggressive, angry, hateful to everyone, super human strength...so on.
He always tries to corner me all the time, blocks me, smothers me. If I go for a walk he will follow me...(not every single time) but he will a lot and tries to herd me back to the house and looks annoyed I want to go outside. He guilt trips me for sleeping, for everything pretty much. Everything that I do is wrong. He says cruel things like my mother doesnt love me, nobody loves me, except him so on...
He is extremely aggressive, and has said things to me that are disturbing. He said he thinks I should get my head cut open with an axe, my head chopped off, my neck slit...so on....all separate occassionals. Once it was when we were camping, the other times, were recent (last 2-3 months).
Whenever I am even the tiniest bit happy he is miserable. He gets visually annoyed and aggressive if I am in a good mood, but if I get depressed because he is so miserable, he gets this joy in his eyes. Like a kid in a candy store type joy. This is ALL THE TIME. Its his personality. He is never not like this.
The latest thing he told me was, when my aunt lost her home and needed a place for her dog to stay for 2 weeks, and I offered, and he said he would kill her dog, and then told me he thought she didnt deserve a dog and was a terrible human being. He shouted at me...really loudly that I couldnt help her (she was going to a homeless shelter for women....and looking back I think maybe he thought I would go there too.) He threatened me...so on.
He tells me all the time everyone at his work thinks I am a piece of garbage. He also has complete control of the money. Whenever I try to find a job he will FREAK OUT. Literally yell at me, for hours and hours until I give up. I have no money to leave. I tried to sell things online in secret to save some money but he phoned the bank and pretended to be me on the phone, and drained any money I had. He sold all my childhood possessions. All of them, when I begged him not to.
If I get a birthday card with money in it, he takes it out, before I get the card.
He talks badly about me constantly, he has spit in my face. He tells me I need to serve him and nothing else and I am selfish for wanting to do anything else. He makes me feel guilty for even sleeping. All the time.
I have nightmares every night of him breaking into my room and my health has gone downhill. I feel sick everyday living here. I think I have ptsd, because I keep feeling terrified all the time and thinking he is going to appear here, when he is at work. I wake up in the night screaming...so on...I feel dread when he pulls up into the driveway. Recently I keep jumping at everything which isnt normal for me.
I am too scared to leave. He goes through phases where he tries to get better....for a few weeks and then just turns into a monster for months and months and months. He controls my phone, controls everything. Any pictures I take it goes right to him, so he always knows where I am. What Im doing.
He recently installed cameras around the house so whenever I leave he knows.
I have nowhere to go, so its hard to leave. I am also sick all the time (digestion problems, burning, pain) I think from stress. So I eat from a blender just to survive. I just need some advice really....I feel so tired and so lost. I feel too sick to even try to get to a shelter, my stomach just hurts so bad all the time. Im scared to do anything. 9 years of this, and its at a point where I am scared of him all the time, and never know what to expect.
Thank you if you read this far.
