Batya33

I agree but she also now knows his hateful pattern and she chooses to come back for more -she wouldn't have to be subjected to it if she stayed away.

Of course you are entitled to confirm whether you are the father. For all you know she was doing IVF or artificial insemination but figured she'd roll the dice and see if she could get pregnant this way. My friend did IVF-single mother by choice -kept dating while she was doing this, and even while newly pregnant. She did NOT have sex with anyone but also didn't reveal to men she dated a handful of times what she was doing. You never know especially when you have sex with a stranger when you are not sober. Also consider if you or someone in your family needs a transplant/donor match it wouldn't hurt to know if this child is yours (I realize that's extreme but don't rule out you having a change of heart and affirmatively wanting to know).

Watch the feet not the lips -what a person does not what they say. My eyes glazed over when I used to get the voicemails or e-mails "You are sooooooo amazing and I'm not ready for a relationship right now" I simply added "with me" and went about with my life. You two were not in a relationship . She loved the flattering attention, you loved pretending to yourself it was like being in a relationship. Not healthy. She did you a favor and I'm sorry you're disappointed!

Agree -nothing to do with being a religious person. The only time that sort of thing is relevant is if the employer asks for input about different religions let's say around December so there can be some sort of multi-cultural event. Then the people who are more religious -and have more knowledge about these sorts of things -likely will step up more than those who were raised secular or not particularly religious. I think people who are kind and compassionate and thoughtful and also religious might get some of their qualities -some of their choices -from their religious teachings. Like choosing to give to charity or choosing to do a volunteer activity might come from a religious value that person has but people who are not religious may do the exact same thing simply because they like being a good human.

I think the biggest thing here is he is not that into you -if it wasn't the kids timeline thing it would be something else. Please don't settle for less than an enthusiastic I want to be with you, only you, I am committed to you and our future - otherwise the fine lines will be not what he's walking but increasing numbers of them all over your face from the stress of being so dishonest with yourself. Whether he is a person who would be that into anyone and be a good partner in a healthful relationship is anyone's guess. It's not for you to guess because full stop he's not that into you and has one foot at least out the door at all times. It's hard enough when two people are fully committed to each other and love each other (yes they are related, no they are not the same thing -you can have loving feelings without being committed to a person). Your moments of longing remind me of something -many years ago when I was plagued with doubts about the man I was serious with -we were saying goodbye before I got on public transportation and all of a sudden we had one of those movie-like romantic kisses that lasted forever and I was like -wow -he really is the one for me -this is the sign, this is the aha moment, this is it. It was incredible. It was that spark of fire of strong feelings -not just chemistry. I was devastated when after only a little while the feeling faded, poof and I no longer felt sure. Now I know exactly why. Because if there's no strong foundation of security, of rightness, then those moments of connection of strong feelings -are not going to rule the day. Maybe in the movies, not in real life. They can enhance what's already there but there was no there there. You have no strong foundation of love, security, commitment with this person. He's showing you that all the time. And you're still grasping at straws and settling for scrappy straws. It's a shame- make a different choice IMO.

I don't think he said that. I don't think he should be involved with the child beyond financial unless he has a significant attitude change about parenthood.

Every pregnancy is different, every woman experiences it differently both because of difference in physical perspective and emotional. Mine was not all like that, neither was my birth experience. My post-partum was extremely unusual and very very scary from a medical perspective -but very unusual. Also every parent is different -some start out not being sure/not wanting to be a parent then change, or are all excited over the moon until reality sets in, etc. So right now if he wanted to be involved he would step up and financially support and he has the right to change his mind and show that change with his actions. (In my case it was all smooth sailing that way -we always wanted a family, we wanted a family with each other for years, we were over the moon during and after the pregnancy).

My thought is tell your affair partner you will contact her when your divorce is final for at least a year and then you will see where things stand. I don't think you're behaving in a "nice" way -perhaps passive - your word choice shows that -you passively settled for the wrong person and then somehow you were "taken" to an emotional place with your mistress - well - no -you chose all of this, chose to have an affair rather than ending your marraige first. Also why do you think your affair partner would be faithful to you or you to her - neither of you particularly value a marital commitment. I get that she was 'unhappy" -so why did she stay with her husband and choose to cheat?

Oh I see -I read the first message as coming from you not she.

I would simply say -it's personal and not something I care to or should discuss.

I don't understand - isn't the issue that she doesn't want you involved because you WANT to take a paternity test?

Yup. I waited 2-3 weeks for my ex to ask me on a date/want to get back together. I was dating someone else during that time but yes I was hung up on him. Later he told me one of his best friends told him to wait longer since he was going to be leaving town for months very soon -his idea was stay in touch, see me when he was in town, take it slow. Such bad advice. I wouldn't have waited that long with no information and certainly not long distance -even though I was totally into him I'd have forced myself to move on. Timing means a lot. Once we were back together we didn't rush into things but we understood 100% what our goals were - exclusive committed relationship to see if we should marry, and if that was the case I was going to relocate for his career -his career took priority -and we wanted a family. Once you have that sort of understanding, that strong foundation, then it's perfectly fine to get to know each other at a reasonable pace. You know him right now as a friend. So if he wanted to properly date you for a few months once a week or so before being exclusive -also perfectly fine -because then you'd both know why he is asking you out, why you two are planning time together, and would be on the same wavelength. Right now his wavelength is "oh, hmmmmmm let's see---- there is a job opening which seems okkkkkk and maybe tomorrow I'll finish the application which is due today, and then I'll see if they call me - maybe I should follow up....ok I'll follow up -wait, mom - is that meatloaf for dinner???? --- wait, mom - did you say you hung out with Alex today? She's cute! Maybe someday when I finish this application and maybe someday if I get a job I'll plan a camping trip with her -we can shop for camping stuff it will be so fun but first -- do we have that bbq sauce you got last week for the meatloaf? oh -right the application. Reset password? What was my first concert??? I'll think about it after dinner - and I'll respond to Alex's text with that job listing she saw........ later.

It's your right to say that to people because right now it's accurate. She chose to have a number of things hanging over her -I had a lot of stuff hanging over me when I was pregnant - was the pregnancy proceeding normally, was the baby developing normally, should I go on a work trip even though I'm tired, would my husband make it in time for the delivery since we had a long distance relationship - a person who chooses to continue with a pregnancy of course shouldn't have unneeded stress but if you choose to have unprotected sex in a casual setting you risk pregnancy plus your partner not being certain whether he is the father (I had a friend, now divorced, who didn't believe his wife was pregnant with their second child -but at least then you're together and committed so overwhelming chances are it's the couple's child). She took that risk. She took the risk that her sex partner had a bad genetic/medical history, would not want to be an involved father, or would not believe he was the father. Much more of a risk with casual sex. So I'm not crying tears for her if it's true that all you asked her was for confirmation post-delivery.

Great goals. What did you do yesterday -what step did you take to work towards these goals. What step did you take today? Do you have a daily plan, a weekly plan, etc? Who will you work with to help you with all of these tasks and what steps are you going to take to behave with respect and consideration in your daily life towards others? For example -a step -last week instead of reacting to my son's bratty behavior I did a few rounds of 4-7-8 breathing and walked away. And, instead of making excuses as to why I couldn't attend a school related event that was inconvenient, I planned out my morning differently so I could attend and have a positive attitude. Instead of eating more ice cream last night as I wanted to, I chose to put the ice cream away. I mean concrete steps that are related to your goals - not just pretty and trendy words you've read probably for years but that have no oomph, no actions behind them.

I think you have some sort of more deep seated issue -not a health care provider just sensing it -and I think you should step away from her given your propensities -these are not just "pranks" - and get help from a professional for your choices to treat people in these awful ways. I don't think the being late or occasionally being late for a bill on their own is a problem -cumulatively it seems that you routinely put yourself first in situations where it's common sense to either put others first or at least show common decency and respect for people's time and well being. Being inconsiderate once in a blue moon and apologizing is not the issue -your pervasive behaviors are. Joking about having covid and actually coughing-really?? That's not ever funny and not a prank. It's simply mean spirited. I don't think a year is going to make a difference unless you step up, work on yourself with a professional, show through your actions dramatic changes in your behavior to show that you show respect, caring, kindness to other humans-not just your girlfriend - and I wouldn't keep a ring around - see if in a year from now you are ready to be part of a team with her, a true partner - and honestly I'd set her free during this time and if you two come back together fine -there's too much bad blood here. I don't blame her for her reactions -other than she shouldn't stall and should just end things now. IMO

I agree. There always are two sides- perhaps she recollects something you said or did that night that is factoring in -not saying you did -could be just how she recollects. Maybe when she told you she didn't remember, maybe she now has more or recalls more information, perhaps someone else is advising her (badly or well, who knows) You may want to know -and make it clear that if she changes her mind she can contact you. I would think as I wrote any parent would want to know as much as possible about their child's medical and genetic history. So she is also saying she doesn't want your financial help (meaning she is not saying "no DNA but give me $ as I know you're the father")

I didn't say unattractive -I said if she is strongly attracted to a man -whatever he looks like (I was strongly attracted to men who weren't conventionally attractive, attracted to those who were, unattracted to certain men who looked like male models) - then she especially might use it as an excuse not to be proactively looking for available men. She didn't seem all that sparked by this guy, just would be interested in dating him if he was available.

Common sense tells me -of course save them! You never know. I am so glad you told your mother. What I wrote above was if for some reason you change your mind and want to know if you are the father because you want to be involved and/or share medical history/genetic info then of course you should see what your rights are to find out that information. You know how strongly I feel on this issue and what you have shared makes me feel just as strongly -FWIW - something is really off here with her and I do not buy that all of a sudden she doesn't want you involved/doesn't need your $, wants to cut off contact if you insist on a DNA test. I mean wouldn't a potential parent at the very least want to know the other parent's medical history if at all possible? I had to see a genetic counselor as part of my prenatal care and I was asked tons of questions about my husband's medical history, etc.

Oh I am such a fan of his and his movies. I think maybe he also was in that movie based on the Nick Hornsby book? Also like his sister's acting. I agree with OP not going to the home or going to Tiffany. I suspect she was looking for a way out (as Cheryln and others wrote)

She doesn't have to spend her pregnancy with you doubting her -this is ridiculous- you don't have to have any contact with her till baby born. I think you are being 100% reasonable and simply tell her she knows where to find you if she changes her mind and if you move/change numbers you will contact her with updated info on where you can be contacted. I don't know legally anything about this but if you change your mind and you want to know - I'd seek legal advice on how this happens with DNA etc

Yes less checking up and less surmising about his personal issues -you have no idea if he was actually up and checking social media or if someone else was in his account or whatever - that is why it's harmful for you to check up. I'm sorry you were ill!!

If she dates him and gets hung up on him it will take time away from her seeking out real potential spouses - she will be less motivated IMO especially since she is friends with the mother. I don't see an issue at all with her being friends with the mom and casual friends with him. I agree she doesn't seem that attracted to him that they can't be friends and he's unlikely to talk about dating or trying to date others as he doesn't seem to be pursuing that sort of social life with anyone. I saw several women get hung up on unavailable men and get less motivated to get out there and meet men who were potentials for the long term. He is not.

I would have for sure. I dated a single dad very briefly and he told me he didn't want to marry her but was going to co-parent in person plus the financial support-just not be in a relationship with her. The reason I ended it was the baby was born one month into our dating and I realized because of his involvement with co-parenting I just wasn't up for the long term sharing of him with his daughter. I completely respected his choices. They did co-parent- she is now 19 and in college and just lovely. (From his FB posts, photos, what she's doing, etc). It was very challenging for him especially financially but he did. She very likely mislead him about the BC situation and he refused to say a bad word or even imply that she had done so -I gleaned it from the situation. I think your concerns are real - meaning if she would agree to visitation and if you pursue visitation with the courts but she wins - but if you don't want to be a father then women who date you are less likely to be concerned since obviously they will not want children either and may relate to your decision. Also if you describe the efforts you put in to be an involved parent that certainly may change things -it would for me. But also know that it's broader - certain women (me included) cared about ethical/moral choices overall -not just to do with family, children, etc - so for me it would be that issue as well. For another woman what you did might seem very ethical - from her set of values -you knew you wouldn't be up for being a father so you paid $$ and walked away as far as being more than the sperm donor. People have all sorts of perspectives on this situation.

I'm going to pull out the Mother Card. She knows. That's why she made the comments she did about how he finds you attractive and all the other comments she mentioned. Also she's uber focused on her adult son so for that reason -she also knows.

Yes it depends how attracted and in this case she could complicate/ruin her friendship with the mother as well.