Batya33

I think they should treat situations individually. I don’t think without knowing more it says anything about him generally. What we know about her is she scheduled a flight at an inconvenient time for people who work during the day. She didn’t say she checked with him before whether he could drive her given his work schedule. She didn’t say it was an emergency. She did say she wanted to test his loyalty. I think their talk should focus on individual situations. If he can’t lose sleep before working up to capacity unless it’s a family emergency or similar he can share that with her. Likewise she should tell him if driving him in bad weather would be inconvenient or too dangerous for her to contemplate. So this way they can figure out strengths and weaknesses. Im better at dealing with the inconvenience of scheduling home repairs and waiting for them to arrive. Husband is better at doing tasks that are inconvenient but involve late night emails or planning travel stuff and making calls and sending emails. What’s a mere inconvenience to some is harmful or worse for others. I said no to a friend wanting to crash at my place overnight once I was married with a child in a small apartment but said yes when I was single. When I said no I offered to put her up in a hotel. The $ was worth the trouble if would cause us to have an overnight guest and disrupt our son’s sleep when he had school. I don’t think it’s fair to label someone as selfish or not willing to inconvenience himself generally when we don’t know the story. I’m not going to jump to the conclusion that she’s generally selfish.

Yes we actually agree in all relevant respects. We disagree that this was her time of need - I don’t think it was - or that this was merely inconvenient- without knowing more I disagree. Our examples are so similar! We only disagree that this favor is similar. I certainly think if she had a doctor appointment that’s different especially if she was nervous or didn’t feel well. My husband does so much inconvenient stuff for my son that I make sure to get myself to my own doctor appointments if I possibly can. When I had oral surgery they had to pick me up - doctors orders. That was inconvenient and of course thst was a given. When I flew to my home town for my niece’s wedding I never dreamed of asking him to drive me to the airport. He was home with our then toddler. I’m a big girl and I scheduled my flight so I could walk to the subway and take it there. A total of 40 minutes. it would have been obnoxious of me to ask him to put my toddler in a car seat and drive us to the airport and back. I take an individual approach. Of course they should do favors for each other. Of course they should ask for favors. Of course they should inconvenience each other. To me it’s far more of an individual approach. And I don’t know enough about her ask and his declining.

The best way I met people was in person. So when I used dating sites I met them in person asap. I was really old school too which is why it was safer and better than going to a bar or club - which I did for certain singles events. But I wasn’t going to try to meet a figure husband on a random night at a bar although some do ! My husband had a profile and my long term ex before him did too at various times and they are both fine people. I know of several married and life long committed couples who originally Meg through online dating sites in the last 20 years. One has his 21st anniversary coming up - they’re 50 and she’s a doctor and he’s a lawyer. Two kids one in college and one now applying to colleges. Another friend - they met in their late 30s and have one teenage son. Both educated professionals l and fine people. Civil partners - man and woman. I met over 100 men in person Communicated with hundreds also met men many other ways including at work (how I met my husband originally) Eharmony was not for me but I agree with paid sites. Be really choosy on th sites and meet in person asap after a screening phone call where you do as much listening as possible while being casual and friendly. I weeded out many liars that way and people with mental health issues that were masked by screens and typing. And people who couldn’t have a normal conversation and others who wanted to talk about sex on the phone but their messages were normal. make sure online is not your only way. Good luck !

I think there's a spectrum of convenience. If I had to get up at 3 to take my husband to the aiport and then had a 9am meeting I'd be toast at the meeting. Not just inconvenient (this is hypothetical -I do not drive). If it meant I'd have to eat lunch in the car instead of at home which is my strong preference -foodie here who enjoys a peaceful lunch - then yes that's inconvenient and I'm there. I used to eat lunch in the car weekly for months with my toddler in the back so I could be dropped of at the hospice care facility where my mother in law was -I'd sit by her for a couple of hours -she never seemed to know I was there - but I was glad to be there especially in case I did see signs of awareness -so my husband could have an emotional break and hang with his father and our son knowing I was there and my MIL who I loved a lot was not alone. Doing stuff that's inconvenient is essential. Recognizing boundaries and not burdening people with your own poor choices especially if the person needs is rest is out of the bounds of just inconvenience. If she returns I'd like to know if she booked this flight with his promise he'd take her given the ungodly hour. That would then be really rude of him to take back his promise.

So I would check meetups and facebook groups and places of worship. Organizations related to hiking and biking often do singles events. Take swing or salsa dancing lessons -how my friend met her husband -they married when she was 39 and he was 29! Had twins in her 40s. I attended singles events starting in college and stopped I guess about 20 years later.

That is so interesting and a little crazy in a good way! Made me think of who our son met in the first week. I have a friend whose daughter married about 9 years ago at age 17. First baby at 19. She admitted -as a teen mom -she was overwhelmed and not 'that into" her baby at first. But she did all she could -was a fantastic mom - and yes she bonded with him and I believe it was a stronger bond with her next two -she is in her mid 20s now. Her husband was there for all births and I mean over the moon and bonding from all I can tell. What I hope for the OP is that if he finds out he is the father - shortly after birth -and if he chooses to be involved, he does so quickly. I agree with you!

Same here in situations where there is true need. In this situation he has a job and a true need to be decently rested. She has other alternatives and chose a flight at this time during the week. I have been volunteering -including when my son was in preschool - since 1981 on and off. I have helped my divorced friend get her stuff out of her ex's apartment, went to my neighborh's home on 15 minutes notice to babysit her infant with pneumonia and an ear infection so she could take uninterrupted work conference calls, called elderly people during the pandemic who lived alone to check up on them and arrange for supplies/deliveries as needed, and I regularly show up for friends in need in one way or another. A few months ago on an hour's notice my husband left our house to go to the airport by subway because our friend's teenage daughter was stuck there when her dad's flight to the airport was cancelled. I gave him water and snacks to take with him. My husband had planned to take our son somewhere. I sacrificed by staying home with our son instead of getting true focus on work. That was true need at an airport. I see driving to the airport in this situation as very different. I see her wanting her boyfriend to sacrifice sleep and potentially hamper his job performance as questionable and concerning. Especially her motives in trying to test him. To me it's far different than helping friends, family, strangers in need, and doing large and small kindnesses and favors. It never should be a given to drive someone to the airport in the situation she described. I like Cherlyn's later advice a lot.

I was in my late 20s/early 30s when I joined dating sites. I had an incredibly demanding career and absolutely had men who did not want to put up with that. Which was good -even though I traded my 15-year demanding career for an equally demanding job after marriage and later added a part time outside job, these men were not on the same wavelength with me since they didn't value my ambition, work ethic, financial independence. I would not join unless you are serious minded. Otherwise a huge waste of time. I would also focus on singles events in your city and strongly consider relocating to a larger city with a higher concentration of single professionals in their 30s (I did - I was 28 -only 10 miles from where I grew up but a much higher rent district -and totally worth it for the social benefits/finding a husband). I met many men because I was geographically desirable -I worked long hours but could go to events without having to worry about how to get there/back or timing. I did that a lot. Certain men simply didn't want to have to travel far outside the city just to date someone when there were so many local women like me. My friend in her 30s who is a highly educated professional with a demanding career met her second husband on Tinder (she-divorced one child - he -never married/no kids -both early 30s I think). They've been married a couple of years now. (I reconnected with my future husband when we were 39 we were early 30s when we broke up. I had one long term relationship in between - a set up by a grad school classmate with a guy she worked with - and a number of shorter term relationships -one guy I met at a religious retreat, one was my friend's older brother I met through social events, three-four through online dating sites -2-3 months each. My future husband and my long term boyfriend each had profiles on dating sites at various times -meaning I met them a different way but these good people were part of the online dating sites too.) Ask friends to set you up. I'd stop being "open" to casual dating too much -because if you truly want something serious act the part and don't settle for casual scraps. Good luck!

Why is that a curveball -just because you don't happen to have a relationship with the mother of the child? Why does it have to be a package deal for you to be an involved father to your child?

I told you I dated a man who told me his ex girlfriend was pregnant, he did not want to marry her, he planned to coparent. I dated him for a few months, baby was born and I realized the situation was not for me (including the mother's friends spotting me at a movie theater with him and staring me down -nice.). I also wouldn't have dated him if he had decided not to be involved with the child but the difference is he knew 100% it was his, he was ready to co-parent -there wasn't this what if kind of thing. If I heard your story I would not date the man if his plan was to not be an involved father if the baby was his. But that is because I wanted kids of my own and a man who would choose to be an involved father. I'd have felt too shaky about his family values otherwise. Others might see an exception here because it was only a one night stand, accidental pregnancy, etc. There are women who will see it as an exception, women who will realize it might not be yours so they'll take their chances, women who never want children and aren't close to children in their family or friend group such that they ponder things like best interests of the child, what a child is entitled to, etc. Honestly, since you don't know if you are the father I also think it's ok to say nothing until you do and then explain the situation - and I mean sure if the woman asks if you've ever been involved in a situation where the woman got pregnant don't lie. But that's not a typical question. For all I know certain of the men I dated had been in that situation.

I mean of course you can if you choose to. I think the comments from friends will die down. It's like my well meaning friends reacted when my father passed away - assuming I was falling over in grief, devastated. Those spoken assumptions were irritating - spoken without having asked me how I was feeling. Not everyone had a close relationship with a parent and sometimes there is a feeling of relief as well when the parent -as mine was -was suffering so with alzheimers and mental illness. But those comments died down -no pun intended. It reminds you doesn't it how we have these knee jerk reactions to life events. Watch the Sex and the City where Miranda gets pregnant by accident, finds she cannot bring herself to abort (but really really doesn't want to be a single mom), and the ultrasound technician tells her it's a boy with this over the top excited expression -Miranda looks at her neutrally and the technician looks so confused so Miranda fakes excitement. Just deflect and fake it -it's none of their business and consider many have good intent -which should help.

I agree with this particularly since what she suggested in general is good for your life and life goals.

Oh I see- so yes if you're wondering if you'll change your mind and want to be an involved father my recommendation is given all the what ifs wait until you actually are faced with that situation -a lot can happen for you in the meanwhile. By analogy it was incredibly difficult for me as a 42 year old pregnant woman never pregnant before to focus on day to day instead of all the what ifs that could go wrong with me, the baby, etc. It was extremely difficult in light of the temptation to go down the rabbit hole of the parade of horribles on the internet. So I forced myself to choose two pregnancy books that made sense to me and only read those plus listen to my doctors. My doctor asked me in my second trimester why I was asking whether I had placenta previa - a potentially bad situation for the developing fetus. I replied "because the book I'm reading listed this as one risk during the second trimester. She reminded me that since I had zero symptoms of placenta previa, worrying I "would" get it just because it was a second trimester risk was silly. Same thing here - you can consider all the what ifs that could happen (if indeed she carries a full term pregnancy, if indeed you are the father, if indeed she wants you to be tested) - but there are no "symptoms" of any of it other than the fact of a pregnant person you had sex with during the period of time in which she became pregnant. Your ruminations aren't going to help the decision at all when there's no decision to make for months if ever.

Here it's legal to drive at a certain alcohol level not number of drinks. I would not be able to drive if I had one drink. Or possibly less depending on what was in it. To me a bar is not a place made to drink. It's a place to meet people just like a restaurant or cafe or ice cream place. I have ordered wine or beer at a bar, and also at a restaurant. I went to bars when I was pregnant and when I was at work events and had a non alcoholic drink that looked like a drink. I've never once gone to a bar with the purpose of drinking alcohol. And I've been to many bars including dive bars, famous bars, bars all over the world.

I've never finished one. I've felt buzzed/tipsy from half a beer. I am not anti-alcohol. I'm pro not getting drunk for myself and pro other people not getting drunk if they're going to drive. Doesn't make me anti-alcohol. I used to enjoy wine tastings and my half glass of wine with a meal. I think 3 drinks is too many for someone like me and many people like me. I've been to countless bars and clubs and consumed no alcohol. I wasn't there to consume alcohol.

Coily's advice is spot on. I'd move on.

It sounds like you hid behind a screen and typed unpleasant messages to her accusing her of stuff while you were drunk. Not a good look and I totally understand you made a mistake in thinking you were ready to be present for someone in a positive way and your mind and heart were elsewhere. She doesn't have to accept the excuse and often acting out after choosing to get drunk especially early on is a red flag.

The only mental preparation would be if you wanted to pursue fatherhood -then you would prepare as to how to approach her, find out if the baby is yours, etc but since you don't no preparation needed. It's just a what if like so much of life, right?

Always own your choices. No one can "encourage" you to act territorial in the sense of you saying then you acted that way because of the encouragement. You acted that way because you chose it. It will serve you well in dating and any other relationships to take full responsibility for your choices. If someone encourages you to act territorial and you do not wish to another option is to choose to walk away, etc.

Right. I don’t see it as a time of need. A few years ago I locked myself out of my work laptop because I needed to be on premises to change my password. Husband was home. IT people were leaving office soon. Yes I could have spent $20 dollars on Uber - no time to take public transport. Husband was busy working and hates driving downtown but I asked and he did it. It was my time of need in that sense and I would have done same for him but I had no keeping score mindset. First and only time that happened - traffic was annoying - but he stepped up. To me that’s a time of need. Even though not life or death. A non emergency middle of night ride to airport with a driver who has to work next day is not a time of need. The driver needs his rest more to do his job - some people do fine with sleep deprivation or are good nappers or can do their jobs in their sleep. I agree with Blueskirt evaluation.

I also ended a 2-3 month dating relationship that was great - until he chose to get drunk and acted like a jerk -worse than a jerk. Ironically -his grandmother had passed away the week before but this was on New Years Eve in front of his parents- he was the only one drunk and got nastier and nastier to me. Then apologized a day later (after blowing me off for brunch at his parents' home -they were lovely -my first time meeting them). For me that type of drunken nasty behavior in a short term relationship was a total dealbreaker. I realize other women might have let it go. No regrets at all on my part. I know you feel like this was a one off. She doesn't feel that way and/or she was already unhappy as she implied. Separately I know it's so hard and I'm sorry you're so upset. You didn't just act needy and childish -the drunk and texts were beyond that IMO. And I'm sorry about the loss of your grandfather!

I agree with the others when it comes to the airport ride. We're not sure if he could go to sleep earlier-for practical or work reasons. I understand in your family they drive everyone to the airport. In my family they never did (in part because most didn't drive to begin with). I'd want to know more and I don't like how she seems to be testing him. I also am not a fan of anyone driving anyone in a risky situation -like terrible weather or not awake enough to drive. I don't think you're spoiled at all - you just have a particular experience. I think if he said he wouldn't take her to the ER that would be very different -or urgent care -or to the airport in an emergency situation or where she was stressed out like having to visit an ill family member To me it's not a set in stone issue at all and I respect your opinion!

I'm actually not clear on whether the bf is still in the picture - OP did you ask her this?

It depends on his job and employer and whether he risks a bad review or worse if he's not awake and alert for work.

She's enjoying the attention and drama and doesn't give a darn about flaking on you - so rude. In my quest to make new friends I've encountered more garden variety flakes "we should meet for coffee!" - I respond with suggestions. Nothing. Three weeks later -"we should meet for coffee" and not wanting to be that pedantic with "well ball is in your court" I finesse it and get a lame response like "oh right we were both busy" (not true). I won't chase. The end. I won't suffer flakes -I give a chance even two if there's a true emergency -that's not flaking- but working 8-12 hours a day in a new role? Please. You're describing many people particularly in your age group. Somehow they find time to date/socialize/make plans. If they wish to. She doesn't really wish to. So move on.