TambienLluvia

Or so it seems, with regard to dating lately. I know it's a numbers game, it's hit or miss, there's plenty of fish in the sea, blah blah blah bring on the cliches. They're not not true, I'm just saying. I do think the dating/mating market is a mess, or a total disaster at the current moment. I think it's gotten worse and worse with the advent of dating apps. I am super fascinated by intersexual dynamics and evolutionary psychology. I've studied a lot about this in recent years in an attempt to better understand not only myself but also women and the female dating/mating strategy. In a way, maybe it's only made things worse for me, I don't know. It'll be hard to make a simple post that's comprehensive enough to glean much from. Suffice it to say that I've had a lifetime of dating and relationship experience. I mean, since I was 15 to now in my 30s. I've had many, many girlfriends over the years. I've sort of experienced all the different styles and phases of things. Everything from the casual ONS encounters to full on multi-year long committed monogamous relationships. However, that seems to be dwindling. It's like I've reduced my success... after the Army, I had a 4yr relationship. Then a 1-2yr one. Then a 2-3yr one (lived with). Then it just became a series of 6 months here, 9 months there, almost a year there, nothing nada. There's just so much I'd have to write to give a whole complete picture of who I am, the type of women I have dated, why things ended, and what events in my life and circumstances have shaped my dating approach over the years. I do not like to play the victim or have any kind of "poor me, it's just bad out there" mentality. However, I think it's still fair and safe to say that the "game has changed", and/or the market is completely skewed towards the top. If you look at evolutionary psychologist or biologist types who study and research this stuff, it's incredibly insightful and fascinating. For example, the online dating market (apps) is overwhelmingly male. The ratio is something like 2 - 1 male to female. So, there's twice as many men as there are women. And women historically and naturally have been much more selective about who they choose to date or sleep with. Although that has loosened up quite a bit since the 60s, women naturally have always been the gatekeepers to this initial encounter whereas men usually are the ones who initiate the marriage type relationship. I digress. I don't know what it is about me, but I somehow turn people off or push people away and I don't know how or why. Most people don't like conflict or confrontation, especially women, so when a seemingly great date with a woman ends with her ghosting me, I never know what I said or did wrong. For example, was just recently talking to a girl who checked a lot of my boxes and was super into me, it seemed. I mean, we were talking almost all day every day across multiple methods i.e., sending videos back and forth + texting, you name it. Whatever, it was cool. Our conversations were wonderful and always filled with all these smiley emojis and great communication. This was all leading up to our first date a few days ago. Like, everything was flowing so well. Great vibes. I know what "low interest" from a woman looks like, and this was NOT it. She was absolutely displaying all the signs of high interest, and I reciprocated. She said how excited she was for the date, how she went out and got a new outfit and got her nails done and stuff. I went against the "just grab a drink or coffee" advice for a first date. We went to a decent sushi restaurant, and she loved it. We had an amazing time, great conversation at the sushi spot. I asked if she'd like to keep hanging out and she excitedly said yes. I did invite her back to my spot, but she said let's just stay public for the first date, which was totally fine. I know everyone is different, but sometimes girls jump all over that invite and happily come back to my place and we have a good time. So, it's not like that has never happened and is some weird left field question. I seriously liked this girl and had no intentions of anything "just casual" and had zero expectations of anything intimate taking place. She said let's go grab more drinks at another nearby bar. OK cool, let's go! I paid for the entire meal, as usual. As we were leaving the sushi spot and began to walk, she's all on me like, "Let me lock arms with you or let's hold hands" and I thought that was so sweet and cute. We just went to a nearby spot and ordered more drinks. She previously asked me to bring this fun little "icebreaker" card game thing to our date, so I did. We had more drinks and amazing conversation. I thought she was really fully present and engaged in the conversation. I never felt for a second she was losing interest or was uncomfortable or anything. If she was, she put on a good show. We agreed to end the night. The $26 bill for drinks came and she said, "I got this", so I thought that was extra nice of her. I walked her to her car. Previously in the night we had discussed things like dating tempos, styles, communication frequency, all kinds of things like that. She said she was big on communication. I asked if I could kiss her and she said, "Yes of course" with a smile. Small kisses on the lips, then one for her neck and a quick hug and we parted ways for the evening. When I got home I called her to make sure she got home safe. No answer. I immediately felt a knot in my stomach. Something was wrong. The way we were conversing and communicating, there was no reason she'd not answer or at least text me something nicer than she did the next morning. I woke up to the cold, emotionless and non-emoji text of "Hey! Woke up to your phone call! I did get home safe passed right out." Right away the knot in my stomach got worse. Isn't it funny when you can tell when someone is upset or something because of their grammar? Their use of punctuation or periods where there never was any before? I pick up on stuff like that. And the lack of emojis or any kind of "feeling" to the text. What did I say or do wrong? What just happened? We were having such a good time. What the heck? Those were just thoughts in my head, but I didn't say anything. I just replied with the cute sort of style we had previously been using with one another, "Hope you slept well and didn't have any crazy dreams 😃" And that was that. No reply from her. Nothing, nada. No social media contact. I knew she was going on a little hiking trip, so I didn't bother her one bit. I wake up this morning and check IG, I see she's unfollowed me. Didn't block me but removed any following. Again, what in the actual heck?! So, I finally reached out with a harmless sort of, "Hey, I'm confused, what did I do or say wrong?" I understand woman are fickle as the saying goes. Can go from hot to cold in an instant. Can be confusing and expect men to just read their minds and "figure out" what they want or are trying to say. It's really frustrating. She said she valued communication, so I figured I'd at least hear SOMETHING. She did reply saying certain things made her feel uncomfortable and she will call me to explain later this evening. We'll see if that even happens. If it does, props to her for having the balls to at least tell me and to communicate it IRL via the phone. No one would ever do that anymore these days. I'm nervous but curious what exactly I did wrong. It's so hurtful and confusing to be having a great time with someone and then for them to just sort of cut you off, semi-ghost you and never understand why. I mean, I may have done everything right and she still just "didn't feel a connection" like I've heard before. OK that's fine, whether that's a lie or not, it's hard to tell. Some girls don't want to hurt your feelings, so they just say things like that and it's not actually the truth. She said, "I do value communication and boundaries. Sorry you felt ghosted that wasn't my intention, I was just separating. I hear your side- I'll reach out later once I have time to share my side" I can't wait to hear the latest critique on who I am as a person, and what I did or said that made her so uncomfortable. Maybe it was the kiss at the end of the night. Maybe it was the 3 drinks I ordered to her 1 at the second bar. Maybe it was something during our conversations. I don't know, my mind is running a million miles an hour trying to figure it out. It really sucks. And it's like, I've seen this movie before. At least some version or variation of this. I know I am a deep and passionate and sometimes "intense" person and maybe not for everyone, but I've had my share of girls fall in love with me before. I have had girls go way crazier for me sometimes than I am for them. LIke a full reversal of interest levels. So I know I'm not completely "unlikable" or something. It's not like I don't have friends or a social life or an ability to exist as a normal human being in this world. It's not like asking for a kiss at the end of a great first date is super weird or out of the question. I was trying to be a gentleman and at least ASK! Literally the LAST thing I ever want to do is to make a woman feel uncomfortable, ever. I can't stand it when I hear stories of things guys do on dates sometimes that creeps or grosses a chick out. I really try to steer clear of anything even remotely awkward. I try to match energy and intensity. If she's touchy feely, I reciprocate. If she's practically already on my lap and jumps at the suggestion to go back to my place or something, I reciprocate. I don't force anything. I try to let it all happen naturally. I know better than to try to pursue a woman who's not reciprocating or shows any indicators of high interest. And like I said, I've been on the receiving end of plenty of interactions of women who are very eager to be in my presence. I'm not going to blame the girl here, or women in general, or entirely lay the blame on me. I just have to say when you are someone who keeps having experiences like this, it's really frustrating and depressing. Honestly, it makes me really sad. Sometimes I've almost gotten to the point of tears. I feel them welling up in my eyes sometimes when I get these kinds of messages from girls. Like I said it pains me that I've done something wrong because I want so so so badly to make them feel comfortable and smile and happy and be excited to spend time with me. I've been successful plenty of times before, so I know the formula works. I'm not unattractive, I'm not a weirdo. I have my own place, a good job, a dog, friends and family, college education, hobbies/passions, do martial arts, drive a Porsche (not that it should matter), have goals/dreams for life, want a family someday, am socially adept and have high EQ. I don't do drugs or drink in excess. I don't get in trouble with the law. I take the lead, I plan the dates, I pay for everything, I don't act pushy or awkward. I match her energy. If I feel like a kiss, I ask permission. She could say no, and I'd respect that. I literally go out of my way to try and "do everything right". I have good hygiene, upkeep, fashion sense, good conversation skills, smell good, white teeth, full head of hair, good head on my shoulders, etc. Yet somehow I am doing something wrong. I guess we'll find out tonight what specific thing I did wrong for this most recent woman. I'm telling you ladies, it's hard to make you happy sometimes! I say this in jest, with a chuckle. I know it's a cliche, but it's true. Men are pretty simple to please. But you do 1 single tiny thing wrong or say something wrong during a first date and BOOM you're immediately disqualified and rejected in the woman's view. I get it ladies, you're picky and choosey and you should be. But come on, give a guy a chance sometimes. You probably discard and throw away so many good men just based on some tiny innocuous thing said or done that's perfectly normal for a dating atmosphere. No wonder there are so many single people, not getting married, and no one is having kids and the birth rate is declining. It's going to be a sad day when there's no one to take care of us in our old age. It's a real concern for society. I'm not saying we should all just "settle" for the next thing that comes our way, but let's all try to take a step back and maybe stop throwing away potentially good relationships without giving them so much as a second chance. We live in a "grass is always greener on the other side" dating world these days. And with the plethora of men for women to choose from online, of course they're even more picky. I recently found out that the majority of our human ancestry always comes from the female side. That means that an overwhelming majority of women throughout human history have reproduced, but not the men. I think it's something like 60% percent of women have reproduced but only 40% of men have. Like our human genealogy is predominantly female. That just means men have been slowly weeded out from the dating pool and evolution since the dawn of time. I just think that evolved mate preference behavior is on hyperactive overdrive these days. The dating market has become like the economy where the rich get richer. Like, the "haves and have nots" disparity is increasing. Men at the highest levels, the upper echelon, have their pick of the litter. Something like the top 10-20% of men have access to 80% of the women. Women tend to date and marry "across and up" the social hierarchy whereas men date and marry "across and down". This dynamic is becoming more apparent and harder to ignore as we watch society suffer the consequences of alienating or isolating more and more men from the dating pool and access to potential female mates than ever before in human history. Rant over. I'm just sad and depressed. Rejection by a woman to a man is something I don't think women will ever truly understand. And that's OK. I think some psychology Ted talk explained it well, about how when a woman rejects a man, it cuts deep because that is indirectly telling us "You are not deemed worthy to reproduce with and your genes shall not carry on and see the light of the next generation".

I only read the OP first post, then dropping some comments. If you feel comfortable sharing your age and/or the age difference of the men you're dating, that'd help. Also, the guys you listed out, were those all happening at once, overlapping, or completely in numerical succession i.e., Guy #1, then Guy 2 etc.? I want to read more of the thread before giving a more thorough response or opinion. But at least with the question of "how to find the right guy", I think you're on the right track. It's good that you're asking yourself (and others) this question. Obviously, the "right guy" for you isn't going to be the same as a girlfriend of yours or something, so it's hard to compare. That said, I do think that women in general, on average do have a "type" or at least certain standards for men they'd consider LTR "mating/dating" material. I'm fascinated with the dance of dating, the intersexual dynamics, and evolutionary psychology. I find it super interesting to peel back the onion layers and understand why it is that we are attracted to what we are attracted to. I think it makes some people uncomfortable to talk about, but it's really helpful. I heard an evolutionary biologist professor once refer to this sort of as "Ancient ideas in modern skulls" - meaning that we have evolved certain mate preferences throughout human history and only recently have modern times and technology made many of those "old school" ideas seem obsolete. I always say this to girls, or female friends about finding a guy. So, you probably have a type, and certain things you want from a man. List out those things. Imagine your perfect match but be realistic as perfect doesn't exist. Whatever list of characteristics or qualifications you think he needs to have to be suitable for you. Then think to yourself, that guy, the one you just imagined would be perfect for you, what do you think HE wants in a woman? I think we spend a lot of time thinking about all the laundry checklist things the other person has to be without thinking about how we also need to become the type of person THAT person is looking for. I hope that makes sense. I'm happy to elaborate and give some thoughts as to what I think "HVM" aka high value, quality men who many women would consider LTR material and high value mating potential are looking for in a woman.