Batya33

Yes- for sure if your family offers to organize one for you and you are comfortable with it that also could be a great way for you to connect with people.

How do you know? Being a friend to him means being supportive when he tries to date women and dates them. Can you stomach hearing about that much less being supportive? That has nothing to do with him personally just the common sense definition of friendship.

Why do you want of all people to be friends with someone who had sex with you and who you wanted to date but didn't want to date you? And again do you like him so much as a friend that you want to chat about his sexual activity with other people and his dating life? Are you going to be supportive when he asks you for advice as to how to ask out a woman he likes and what activities to plan? Will you suggest the best romantic restaurant he should take her to and will you love seeing photos of their dinner and the flowers he brought her on social media?

You can if you want to hear about the other women he would like to date or is dating - because that is what friends talk about in addition to other topics. I have a male platonic friend who is single but started dating someone a couple of months ago. When we chat he tells me about the different activities they do and restaurants they go to, road trips they are planning. He is not too busy to date a person he wants to date. I only dated extremely busy men while I was extremely busy and we made time to date because we wanted to date each other. He had time to have intercourse with you so he is not too busy to make a plan to go out in public on a date with you or with anyone. He told you he hadn't been on a date in a long while. That doesn't mean he hadn't pursued other women to date (maybe they said no), doesn't mean he doesn't have a social life where he meets women, goes out dancing, maybe hooks up, etc.

Because it's easy to text -no effort -and you respond -good for his ego while he tries to meet women who will be enthusiastic about going on dates with him. Those are the women he will put effort into -he will make plans for fun activities and they will go out in person and hopefully have a good time and if they do - he will ask that woman out again and she will say yes or do her best to find a different time in the near future they can see each other. Then while he waits to see the woman who is interested in dating him he might text you in between when he's bored or for whatever reason. Also lets him keep you as a backup - in addition to perhaps other women he sees as backups so maybe in the future he'll ask you out again -likely last minute as why should he bother putting in effort when so many times you couldn't be bothered to make a plan to go on a date in person? He might still be attracted to you but he doesn't see any serious potential for dating you let alone a real relationship because you can't be bothered to make a plan to go on a date with him. But other women will be and if he has any sense of self worth he will prioritize those women over you because they are interested in dating him and you are not.

He didn't ghost you he simply doesn't want to ask you out on a real date after a first meet. I agree with the others that once you backed out of hooking up at his home or yours he realized your choices to sext with him before meeting didn't mean you were up for having casual sex. Once he realized that wasn't going to happen he chose not to pursue getting to know you any further. And many people change their minds after a first meet or first date and don't ask the person out or respond to invitations for a date -that silence means lack of interest. Not ghosting. He didn't make a time place plan with you for the next date and after the date he likely realized he wasn't up for waiting for sex. An amazing first date is its own thing -meaning -enjoy it, enjoy the memories and assume it is in the last date unless and until there's a time/place plan for another date. It's just reality. If there's no plan for another date -time and place there is no next date. Unless the person calls or you do and makes a plan. Several men asked me to call that I got home safely and didn't ask me out again. I preferred silence. I didn't need the ridiculous "you're soooooo amazing but I am not ready for a relationship right now" [with you]." I met over 100 men in person through online sites. I never ever met a man in person who brought up sexual stuff in messages or on the phone before we met. I was looking for marriage and family. A man who would choose to behave that way might be as well but also was looking for a woman who was ready to have casual sex. I wasn't. Dealbreaker so I moved on. Several men brought up sexual stuff in messages or on the phone. I would delete him from social media unless you have many strangers on your social media AND you are ok seeing him pursue other women.

I think each career/profession has bad apples -I've heard such talk to be wary of: doctors, lawyers, politicians, actors, etc. - I wouldn't be anymore wary unless the individual uses his sales skills in a way that is inconsistent with integrity and good character. Many people work on commission or bonuses. I am not in sales and haven't been for many years so no personal bias (neither is my husband!) I was in sales for a few years- headhunter - and often involves ethical choices. My boss and I always chose the ethical way as she did for her 40 years in the business. I also met in my online dating a guy who was related to a TV celebrity and high up in a well known MLM. Wealthy person. That particular MLM was in the news regularly for bad business practices so that plus other reasons made me steer clear. I also declined to meet a stockbroker I googled because he had had run ins with an agency for disciplinary issues. My friend married a guy who supplies insurance to businesses. Except he didn't reveal he didn't have the proper licenses so after an event that impacted his clients that somehow that affected his clients' ability to get their $. It wasn't about his salesmanship. It was about his lack of ethics. This person seems to have personality flaws and issues where he's chosen to overshare to and vent to near strangers in an inappropriate way. She dodged a bullet and made a great choice.

I think the main favor was his decision to overshare and vent - that's his first impression so it's a huge red flag as to how he behaves when not on his "best" behavior. I think there is a way to share this stuff early on in an appropriate way without airing the dirty laundry yet being open about availability like "I'm glad we decided to meet and I went through a tough divorce with many challenges. Without going into details since we just met I want to be honest that I'm not sure I'm ready to do more than date casually for now." Something like that. No need to hear an hour of oversharing to know if someone is available to date or how available.

I am so sorry about all of this. And yes it will get better because this baby is wanted by you and so when you feel the baby move and kick it won’t be better it will be heavenly. (Unless you are in your 8th month and have to pee badly and in a subway station when your baby kicks you in the bladder but I digress although I’ll never forget that panic of not being sure I’d is make it to my office bathroom lol). I hope you have a smooth pregnancy. I did for the most part. You are entering a really hard but really awesome adventure. You want this baby. That’s all you need to know. Ok ? Please seek out support and resources and take care of yourself.

But were you two planning on trying to conceive? Had you been pregnant before? Your baby may very well have a dad -in the future you might meet someone who wants to be a family with you. Of course you feel lost and probably exhausted from your first trimester! I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

No need to analyze what "exes" generally do -people are individuals - and no need to try to pick apart "signs". If she wanted to be with you exclusively she would be. She would want to be simple and direct to make 100% sure you didn't get snapped up by someone else. She wants you around when the thrill of the chase is exciting to her. She likes playing at being a couple. I also went back and forth -same age as she was - in a 7 year on again off again relationship. I had doubts, we'd break up and get back together but I was always straight up with him as far as what I wanted and what I didn't. Sometimes we got back together and sometimes we dated casually (we did that once -mostly a disaster). But I did love him, I didn't make him read "signs" and I felt like I was reading "signs" when we casually dated and that was really unhealthy. We simply were not right together for marriage. Love was not enough. I was mostly the wishy washy one and it was unfair of me to ask him to get back together I suppose although each time I thought I had resolved my doubts. But she is basically throwing you crumbs and having fun keeping things exciting and keeping you on your toes. It's not conducive to long term. I married my ex fiancee 11 years after our cancelled wedding. We got back together almost 8 years after breaking up. Our getting back together was extremely direct. We had two platonic get togethers- no game playing - over a 2-3 week period. Then on our third meet up two weeks later (he'd been out of town and made the plan two weeks in advance) there were no signs to read. He asked me if I wanted to get back together. I was overwhelmed -so many emotions! - and I think I waited 60-90 seconds before responding and my response was "Yes!" What followed was a 2-3 minute conversation about what we both wanted from getting back together and we ascertained we wanted exactly the same things. And we followed through on those things. So I don't buy your notion of what exes generally do. People who generally want to be together and are single and available (we were) act in a straightforward direct way so they can get what they want -to be together exclusively. Whether they are exes or first dating or whatever. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. Time for self-honesty for you -she doesn't want this badly enough -if she did it would be direct and crystal clear. I'm sorry you're disappointed. Be friends only if you're cool hearing about who she is pursuing to date.

Please don't have an abortion unless you're entirely sure. There is always the option of adoption later if you truly cannot do this on your own. I think he was excited at first about the party-the trinkets, the baby shower (I didn't have one or want one -I cannot relate at all to being excited about getting presents as the focus of when you find out you're going to be a parent -so odd at least to me) I would seek out prenatal care and ask the provider to recommend someone for you to talk to and other single mom resources. I am pro choice and I could not have aborted except in very extreme circumstances. I don't think an abortion would be the right option for you given how you are feeling. I'm sorry he's being such a jerk. I wish you all the best.

My opinion is the gift giving thing is not the real issue here. At all. Which is why I didn't focus on it in my response.

I'm not a fan at all of focusing on love languages as an excuse in this sort of situation. Or in most situations but certainly not in this one.

Not only is there no crime it’s a very positive way to live for those people who enjoy having friends and family and activities and do not enjoy being married or engaged. No biggie. Common sense.

I think loving is giving. If you love someone you desire to give. That could include giving space or showing restraint. I was annoyed with my husband today and I felt like expressing my annoyance in an email. Not rudely but venting. Then I paused and realized he was at work and very busy. That I might feel better venting over email but then I’d increase his stress and hamper his work. So I showed love by stopping to think how he might feel receiving the email even though I’d feel better sending it. That is how I gave love today. I also did so by remembering to leave his socks out where he could find them when I went to sleep before he got home from a business trip. I am positive he appreciated those socks which he loves to wear when he sleeps much more than if I left him flowers.

I would do this only if she wants that arrangement. I was on dating sites to meet potential dates. I had enough friends. If she is into hanging out as friends that's fine of course. I also would not do the "friends first" nonsense (to me it is -you get to know someone overall by dating them) or "take it slow" unless you feel enthusiastic and motivated to see her again. Take it slow is fine if there's a sense she wants to take it fast.

I think it's a combo of her being right on paper but no spark or potential spark and you feeling comfortable with your lifestyle. I feel much freer being married than single. But I feel less free being a parent of a minor child than before I had a child. I am not a fan of staying single because of all the potential negatives/"restrictions" of dating because other than the restriction on dating others if you're in an exclusive relationship, to me being with the right person means freedom not to have to look for a potential partner and doing stuff together or learning from each other can feel awesome/very freeing. I wouldn't follow up with this woman. She deserves someone who is enthusiastic about seeing her again not trying to convince yourself to do so.

Volunteer work costs very little $ meaning the transportation to get there. I preferred shorter men, my husband is short. I think he's very masculine. I'm not sure what you mean by effeminate (I was not attracted to men with effeminate voices or mannerisms but I know of many women who are). That's great you have a band -doesn't that cost you $ of some sort? You sound like you give yourself lots of credit for "trying" -but what I found when I wanted a social life and to meet people to date was it wasn't about trying. But actions. Even small actions. Meaning at the end of a long day of work I still went to the homeless shelter to volunteer once a week. Meaning I still read the book for my book club and met up with the other members (that cost a little $ depending if we met at a restaurant or someone's home). Meaning I still attended a religious service, met up with friends, etc. Meaning if I went to a singles event I made myself stay at least 45 minutes and talk to at least 3 people I didn't know then I could leave. Small things but not "trying". Acting. And no excuses. Be honest with yourself about how badly you want a social life/dating life. I was honest with myself and knew I wanted marriage and family more than anything. Perhaps the only equally important thing was my professional life/career. Which I went all out for for years until I got to a professional level I was satisfied with. So I went all out similarly for dating, etc.. For years. It was all worth it despite zero guarantees I'd meet the right person (which I accepted as -you know, life isn't fair). . But if you're meh about it and going to just "try" and make excuses you're kind of spinning your wheels and perhaps you do not want it badly enough.

What's the purpose of buying a home together and sharing living space? Do you have the same purpose - for example is it because you think it will strengthen your emotional commitment? Are there marriage plans? When? Why share living space before marriage or if you're not going to marry then why? Do you buy him flowers? How much wine do you two consume and does it have to be the good stuff so to speak? I mean sure if you each have a glass or two over the weekend and use up a bottle that's one thing but if you're talking about a drinkfest every weekend that can get pricey. Do you have things to do in your town that would be fun for him to do -and you're moving anyway in the next couple of months and you'll be showing the house I guess so why should he hang out there? If you want to move to his town anyway I'd move and rent a place on your own. I would not buy property with this person unless you marry. It doesn't sound like you see yourself with him as his wife, as a forever person or like a marriage and as you know it's not a good idea to buy a house you might have to sell soon after. And if he owns half imagine the complications.

Would you be ok if his children came to live with the both of you temporarily or on and off as adults? Or is it just a father of minor children you are not a fan of? Do you think he overshares in general? Does he also overshare --- gossip -- a lot?

That's great that you have the humility to acknowledge your behaviors and reactions that may not be the most productive. It sounds like you two had a great and open talk! Sounds like positive changes are underfoot! Does she practice meditation or anything similar? I'm glad you like the life coach. Seems like basic common sense to me that a person who is not happy in a marriage may choose to react by nagging, yelling etc. Glad you are making the choice to do "angry cleaning" which is what I call it when I feel stressed and take it out on the floor by scrubbing it LOL. Good for you! I also recommend the book How to Talk so Kids will listen (the original edition) and to a lesser extent Scream Free Parenting. We have a 13 year old son. It's also interesting to me that you are doing all this work on yourself with meditation, self-reflection and really getting into the nitty gritty of your behaviors, actions, reactions and yet you -a sales engineer, not a psychologist -diagnose and label your wife as an "avoidant individual". Imagine if instead you gave her the same consideration as you do yourself and tried not to box her into some dismissive type category?

Thank you for being so patient and tolerant about my responses and taking them as intended.

I don't think it matters whether anyone else acts passively about social life - this person is acting passively yet complaining that he's never asked to parties. I wanted to find a husband so for many years I forced myself to be proactive about my social life. Now, when things are loosening up some after covid I have been forcing myself to get out there more and socialize even though it's inconvenient for me - I picked two ways to do so, so far -one volunteer opportunity and one group walking activity with the parents from my son's new school. In the last month I've attended 4-5 gatherings. For me it's never been typical for me to be passive about my social life nor did I consider whether most people were - I considered what was right for me. As far as the percentage of women it depends on the activity -with volunteer work for example if you work on building sets backstage for a community theater or helping with lighting design - I think you'll find it's fairly even male/female. And a fair amount of single people or people who know single people. OP a lot of this is in your control and resorting to cold calling because you've chosen to be passive makes little sense.

What activities are you involved in? What kind of volunteer work have you pursued? Ever considered doing backstage work for a community theater? We got our friend involved in that. He is very shy and was recently widowed in his 40s. Now he seems to have a social life and enjoys the work. Have you ever initiated a social gathering with your colleagues? What type? What work have you done as far as your shyness? My husband was incredibly shy in his late 20s. We originally met at work -took him months to ask me out for lunch. What singles events do you attend? Have you ever taken swing or salsa dancing lessons? I've also heard pickleball is a great way to meet people? Ever considered that? You seem very passive about your social life.