Batya33

I'd make a time and place right now even in advance - I remember my future husband making a plan two weeks in advance as he was going to be out of town -for our third meeting (first two were platonic catch up dinners- third meeting was vague as to that but certainly planned as a proper date). Show her you're a step up to the plate guy and you deserve to have a specific plan.

It would be such a big if -total twilight zone for me. The only way heaven forbid that would have happened to me would have been by force, a rape. And as we know that has a whole host of other factors. But -hypothetically -if I had a ONS I would contact the potential father as I would think it was my obligation to do so. Only rare exception would be if it would be dangerous for me or future child to contact father. I would not expect anything from the father unless he'd told me when we met he wanted to be a father or we had some random discussion about that. But I would contact him as it is his right to know (some may disagree -I mean you never contacted her to follow up on whether she was pregnant right? - but I'd take the initiative and contact the father -also better for child to know I tried). Yes I would agree to a paternity test just like I wouldn't take it at face value that he had no genetic history/medical history we should know about -I'd want him tested for that too if at all possible although I doubt I could require him to do so. Putting aside single moms by choice with an anonymous sperm donor it's probably best for child to know identity of dad if possible, with rare exception. All of this is why I never had casual sex and with one exception I extremely regret (!!) never had sex with someone who wouldn't have wanted to be an involved father and get married had I become pregnant despite birth control. The exception was the guy I agreed to use only one form of bc (I was on the pill) and he'd told me he'd want me to abort if I got pregnant. I did not get pregnant. I was really stupid to have sex under those circumstances and so very lucky I did not get pregnant. The BC pill is effective and I was on no antibiotics or anything and took it exactly as prescribed. This was not casual sex- we'd been dating exclusively 2 months before we had sex and this was after dating 4 months. He broke up with me a month later.

Around here all schools and camps follow mostly external guidelines. We weren't told of potential exposure at camp this past summer until my son got covid for the first time. I was not upset with them - they didn't have to and I'm not even sure of the timing as far as when they knew. He actually was allowed to stay at camp if he wished the day they called me an hour after drop off to say he said he felt really tired/out of it. Because he was vaccinated, no fever, no respiratory symptoms (yet). I picked him up within the half hour. In the hour or so he was at camp I hope he exposed no one else (much of that time they were outside at the pool and I heard of no wave of covid there. I did my part -right after testing him I emailed the camp, was told the quarantine period, honored that period of time and my son was home from that point on and exposed no one except his parents. We did not get it. I find the guidelines are sometimes maybe a moving target in how they change - we were very conservative about our approach and I guess I still am quite conservative -I mask in stores, in crowded indoor spaces, where I'm told to (like yesterday at the pharmacy where my son got boosted again!) - I see a number of people flouting mask requirements. I say nothing if at all humanly possible. On a long international flight this past July there was a passenger stretching her legs but basically hanging over me as I sat. No mask -so after a few minutes I politely asked her to move away from my seat and she did. I try to avoid any discussion let alone confrontation whatsoever. It is just not worth it. I hope you're all still feeling ok!

Yes it might be and consider a woman in that same situation has it no easier wherever she lives as pregnancy for most women other than those who gain very little weight can't hide a pregnancy, walk away in that sense. Perhaps consider how fortunate you are that you get to walk away and not grow a human being for the next 6 months or so.

"Greatest respect this is not immature or dramatic, it’s literally a potential life changing event and I think a few here are failing to grasp that or play it down" Yes it's a life changing event to potentially become a parent - you chose to potentially become a parent. So it's not the same as something that happened out of your control -an illness, your spouse's illness, a terrible accident. Part of the acceptance phase is as the saying goes "accepting the things you cannot change". You have no control over her choices since you chose to take the passive approach so far (which I am not judging -a fact) -you will sit back and wait for her to pursue paternity if she ever does. So part of that is accepting you're basically leaving it in her hands. I can relate because I had no control over whether my baby would be diagnosed in vitro with a genetic defect or disorder. So my life changing event of parenthood involved ceding control to basically "fate". But I accepted that I chose to become a potential parent -just as you did - and therefore I chose these risks. Difference is I wanted to be a potential parent and all you wanted was to have sex at that moment and chose to risk being a potential parent/parent. But we each pursued what we wanted at that time -I just did years of planning for it and for you it was a minute or less I suppose. So accept that you chose this path. You are not a victim. Many people go through life changing events -I think there's a list somewhere of the most stressful - and they don't behave as you do considering themselves a victim, feeling sorry for themselves -to the extent you do -to the extent. I sure did feel sorry for myself having to go through all the testing I did when I was pregnant -I had to do a lot of self-talk, talk to my family, my friends but not to the extent of letting it cripple my daily living, not to the extent of playing the victim. You're not a victim - you might not want to be a father and you might not be the father -but this was all your choice the day you had unprotected sex with a woman you don't know well. (Meaning the additional events -if you were in a relationship with her you likely would have a lot more information to help your anxiety even if you two eventually broke up -just by knowing her and her people better). So, yes, I'm not downplaying at all I'm just providing a non-victim perspective as I think that is a lot of what is fueling your anxiety.

Yes, steer clear of any personal involvement -you can tell her if she ever leaves her relationship and is single you'd be open to meeting up.

That's sweet of you suggesting something she specifically likes. Good luck!

I started dating someone once where we were both really busy and then I had a business trip -or maybe he did. We'd gone out 4 times in about a month. Both early 30s. He called me and was very up front -he said -let's meet for dessert tonight (it was a random Sunday night) and he told me - he knew we were both so busy and out of town he didn't want to hurt the momentum - meaning - he didn't want too much time to pass before our next time to meet. This was pre-cell phone and I'm not even sure I had internet at home quite yet - we spoke on the phone and emailed some and had had 4 really good dates. This was late 90s and I always remembered how I appreciated his forthrightness even though we'd only met a handful of times -he was right.

I think many many people with plenty of interests are ready for a fully committed relationships and in fact often they're much better suited because they're great at making time, making priorities, shifting schedules etc. I think either she's not into him or she has made the decision that a fully committed relationship is not one of her interests or priorities which is normal. I can't think of a more elevated pursuit actually than developing and maintaining a fully committed relationship but yes I can see prioritizing one's education and future career over casual dating and hooking up. He wants the full deal though -not just casual. Either way he is too full on and wayyy too much at her beck and call -a particular turn off for a woman with a busy, fun, fulfilling life. .

She can think what she likes about your conditions on being involved. Be at peace that you offered exactly what is realistic and factual. If you are the father as per an accurate test you want to be involved "in some way" (which also might have annoyed her -what does that mean?). I think it's reasonable to want an accurate paternity test first.

Never at this point unless your purpose in contact was to ask for a paternity test because you want to be an involved father and co-parent this child. I'd also be ok if you wanted to share needed genetic medical history -wrote that above twice. And if you hear for some reason she is in dire financial straits then you contact with the offer that if you are the father you will pay child support. (The last is very hypothetical of course)

I think you're acting too needy and overeager around her and also I suspect she's just not that into you and feeling suffocated by all your attention - obviously it's a vicious cycle -she's not that into you -yet- and then you cling more. "Doing anything to appease her" sounds like too much too soon and painting other men in such a negative light doesn't really make sense. It's simply not true and doesn't "prove" anything. Especially if she's not that into you. I would tell her you understand she's really busy now and doesn't want to make time more than once a week. Tell her that's not good for you for long term even though it might be for someone else. I think you're thinking about her all the time because she's a challenge and unavailable and distant.

I think you misread what I intended. Having said that my opinion is that your mother's advice as far as contact with the mother afterwards doesn't sound like good advice to me as far as how this person would react.

I'm sorry you're interpreting it that way. I'm thinking of my own mom who has had one partner -my late father. She could discuss the topic of casual sex with me and pregnancy scares (yes I had a few just wasn't that scared lol -would have worked out fine) - but I knew her boundaries and despite her awesome intentions to be supportive I'm sure it was surreal to her on some level. Her advice is coming from an awesome place but she has no way to relate to what she would have done if she had unprotected drunken sex with a near stranger and what her expectations would have been. So hypothetical. Especially from a different generation.

I think you're oversharing with your mother. This must feel like twilight zone stuff to her.

I would never do that. He has no idea if she considers it to be a baby, no idea if she is still pregnant, and all he needs is stuff in writing she can fling at him later. I wouldn't do that especially not in writing.

Of course. I never said you shouldn't ask for paternity. I said your mom likely never had drunken unprotected sex with someone she just met so it's really hard to relate to the level of responsibility afterwards or the extent of information afterward. You chose to risk having little to no access to such information when you chose to get drunk and have unprotected sex with someone you didn't know well.

Therapy is not "talking" - it's analysis done by talking but also in other ways -I'm sure some therapists also use physical techniques, breathing, visualization, writing, playacting etc -not a therapist but it's silly to think that talking is the point of therapy.

Yes. Same. I'm not sure if those books I referenced for teenagers get in depth about scans but they talk about how a baby develops and how it works with the due dates etc.

Well it also might be she wants to warn you against getting close to her or wanting to do date like activities. Maybe she tells everyone this. You don’t know. You have opposite shifts. If she’s out of town the next two weekends cool. If not she can find a few hours to spend with you.

Listen to or look at the lyrics to Carly Simon’s song We Have no secrets. She is a person who believes it’s fine to share this level of detail with a new partner. You obviously now understand that it’s really uncomfortable for you. I mean I don’t even show my husband photos of me and any other man other than maybe tjere was a high school prom photo years before we met. Why would I ?? I don’t want to see his either. I’ve seen photos of some of his exes and know one of them and he’s met a few of mine but for him to see photos of us arm in arm or more? Why? That’s not about honesty. It’s about oversharing. Your girlfriend made a sex tape and wanted you to see her being sexually intimate with another man. Kudos to those who get off on that. Did you think you would? Did she want you to ?

You know what -if you're going to have sex then educate yourself about pregnancy. Like I mentioned pages ago my son and I have now read two sex ed books together. An age appropriate three-book series (yes you're supposed to start at around age 4-5) recommended by his pediatrician when he was 10 years old. He's 13 so the last one - meant for teens -had chapters on what can result in pregnancy. It hammered home in very direct, realistic terms the risks of pregnancy from sexual activity. How to help to prevent sex, what to do if there's a mishap/accident -all of it -spelled out in details. He's 13 -does he know it all now. Nope of course not -he's 13 but it's a darn good intro. He. Not a She. It's just as important for him to know as it is for a teenage girl. So educate yourself if you want the privilege of having sex especially outside of marriage. Due dates are far from an exact science. Don't even mention in the same sentence.

You won't know and you're not entitled to know. The thing is in this situation the way you chose to set it up you chose the risk that you wouldn't know or have access to pertinent information. You chose to get drunk and chose to have intercourse with a woman you're not dating, involved with, even good friends with. Your mother likely never was in that situation ever - she knew all her partners (if she had more than one) and so it was a given that they'd be in close touch after intercourse. So if I was involved with someone and had sex with him and he immediately implied or accused me of having sex with others yes I would be really annoyed given our connection (and your only real connection to this woman is you penetrated her while drunk - I mean you'd have to hear about a tragic miscarriage through mutual friends?). And if he showed up after knowing we'd been dating seriously I'd be annoyed then. Would I agree to a paternity test -yes if I thought he was otherwise a good person as far as could make a good parent (meaning he'd be asking even though he knew 99.9% since we were a couple -who else could it be?)- maybe no if he was a person with evil intentions who could harm my child. It would be all about the child. Not about me. Not like you're making it about you "well I don't like this woman and want nothing to do with her so that is one reason why I don't want to father a child she is having". Your mom likely cannot relate to this situation where you have mindless unprotected sex while drunk and blithely walk away and then pity yourself when she tells you she is now pregnant and it could be yours.

Why does it have to be on a weekend? Can you meet for lunch during the day?

The only types of changes I would be open to making in that sort of situation are the very concrete. Like - within 6 months we will be engaged or you promise to move forward with (applying for X job/ to Y school), or you will decide within the next 6 months if you see yourself having a child with me. Or even "you will be on time for our dates 90% of the time" "you will hire someone to clean out your clutter or commit to getting it out of the way by ___ date" These vague trendy notions about "prioritizing" and emotional availability -bunch of word salad - no real meaning, no examples. And obviously can't be done while you're broken up. Her "conditions" show she's not really committed to being with you again.