Batya33

There is no need to go to a gym to get exercise -totally understand about the Queen's funeral! I mostly power walk because it's great cardio and I also work on my upper body - sometimes at a gym sometimes outside sometimes to a DVD I have at home as a last last resort!. No excuses. I got in my exercise at Death Valley last year and took a ferry once from Disney's magic kingdom to a resort with hiking trails. I mean sure it's fine to skip a few days here and there but I'd find something to do -whether it's exercise or something else -where you're not depending on a place like a gym being open to do so -or get to a gym. For me personally cardio clears my head and helps me regain perspective as needed but for you it might be yoga or meditation or journal writing or cooking or knitting or scrubbing floors -whatever it is -but I suggest something with a routine and commitment and structure.

I especially love this advice. Journaling is not for everyone for sure but I love the specific and common sense input -you found a routine that helped you -and it was writing that brought your thoughts to the forefront. Maybe for someone else it's going running and letting the thoughts come while sweating. But it's a routine, it's simple - required pen/pencil and paper and a daily commitment - there's no trying just doing. I highly suggest you do this -or something like that -simple, with a structure, that you can realistically implement with little in the way of having to pay $$ or buy complicated supplies etc. My daily early morning workout is like that -simple stuff -workout clothing on the nightstand, sneakers and bag by the door, filled water bottle ready in the fridge = no excuses - I leave within 8 minutes of the alarm going off - little $$ commitment and it reaffirms that I can commit to take care of myself. I've been working out regularly since 1982. I'm not going through a breakup or anything but life happens and knowing I have this means I know if I need to work through something that is one of the best times to do so. Each time you journal or workout or whatever it is you get that reward of reaffirming to yourself - I commit to myself, I commit to my health and mental health and personal growth. Find your thing. And don't try -do it!

It doesn't matter the label - you simply don't feel like doing what is hard to do. Human condition. Typical. Oh well -you still have to do it. You have loving feelings and you also do not trust him. Without trust loving feelings are not enough.

We started talking to our son when he was around 4 about dealing with the outside world/stranger danger. When he was around 5 we watched -a couple of times -a video by John Walsh with "safety stranger chick" who shows kids how to behave/react in all sorts of situations where someone might invade their personal space, speak to them inappropriately, etc. And just in daily life -he's 13 -he sees how I interact with people and he has seen me go all Mama Bear on public transportation or just walking along with people who treat me and/or him inappropriately. I'm sure you've done that OP or similar so this is just part of a continuing conversation and she should know she can come to you for advice when she gets that spidey sense of something not being right where she lives, maybe with a neighbor, a maintenance person, parties that might go on, etc. And practical stuff like making sure she always has her keys, has them ready if it's late when she gets home, etc. Good luck!!

Sounds like you both have given this many chances and the number of chances, the number of breaks, have taken their toll.

I don't have set hours during the day or even weekend -it depends on work flow and I am hourly. I have an office if I want it. If I want to commute there and wear a mask (which would be my choice at this point) and commute home and have to keep an eye on whether I need to leave sooner because of an issue at school, etc. I have a work issued laptop and IT at work is available to help me if I need help with a computer issue. I love using my own restroom and being able to get laundry done and deliveries etc. Having said that -I get it -to each their own of course!

That's not being mothering or parenting. It's being controlling. Controlling is not good parenting -even when a child is young and the adult has to be in control a well-intentioned parent does his best to not micromanage a child. You are not his parent and he on his end doesn't want to be in a relationship with you which involves him having to check in with you about his social life when he is not with you. Perhaps from his perspective he promised not to date anyone else or look to date anyone else but his boundary is otherwise he doesn't want to be in the sort of relationship where his life when he is not with you is none of your business. It wouldn't work for me personally -I prefer two adults who desire to be together and desire to share with each other when they're making plans elsehwere - social plans, professional plans, family plans etc. Couples who want to be together and respect each other volunteer this sort of information because they like to do so and sometimes out of respect. Yesterday my husband said "ok I have a call I need to get on now" because we are parents and even though our son is 13 it's nice of him to let me know that he needs to disappear for awhile like if my son needs help with a computer thing, etc. I do NOT call him when he is out with a friend or colleague other than a real emergency. I want him to feel like it's his time, his space and he's not being monitored. He texted me a couple of times once when I spent 25 minutes at Target while we were on vacation instead of the 15 he thought it should take. After I tol him - no - I need to be able to go into a store for 25 minutes and -gasp-use the bathroom without getting multiple texts. Couples do have to remind each other about personal boundaries. You and your boyfriend had a very unhealthy dynamic if you're interrogating him about his social life and dismissing it as being "mothering" -you wouldn't be doing that if you trusted him, you wouldn't be doing that if he communicated with you -oh I'm going out on ___ night and won't be home till very late -I didn't want you to worry.

I wanted to add -your solutions with the flowers etc - I mean -also scripted -do you have original, individually focused thoughts about your long term girlfriend? Do you think she feels known and understood by you? It's almost like you're watching some canned video "how to woo your girlfriend".

Sometimes it doesn't matter -when there's so much drama and so many "breaks" the overall sense is one of instability no matter who pulled the trigger first.

Yes, this is a great way to put it -completely agree. And same if for some reason you change your mind -also not necessary to dwell on that what if right now.

I'll add that often people seem fine after a prank and then after reflecting on it or talking to others, they are not.

That is AWFUL. I'm so very sorry to hear this. My former mentor/boss didn't believe in teleworking but back then it was really unusual to have an internet connection from home /ability to remote in -so he had "a" point. I mean he permitted it in certain situations just wasn't a fan. Your boss sounds -OMG. I am so so glad you quit.

I don’t agree with you as I don’t know what the law is as far as a father’s rights. And he may change his mind. Many do. She might change her mind. Many do especially during such a life changing event as pregnancy. And she may get information during genetic counseling that motivates her to want to confirm paternity. Certainly when I received such counseling and information my husband’s medical and family history mattered a great deal. In fact I had extensive blood work done and was told if I was a carrier for certain genetic defects he’d have to undergo testing too. I was not so he did not but it’s quite intertwined.

I think he’s upset that you lied to him. And potentially using it as an excuse to cut off contact. Have you played these sorts of games with him in the past ?

Overprotecting isn’t good parenting and often a reaction to anxiety. I am guilty of it too at times and I do my utmost to listen to my husband who doesn’t tend that way like I do. Our son is 13. I get the struggle especially given the pandemic and virtual schooling etc. I lived at home during college. And grad school. Partly financial. My parents would have been fine with my moving out. I went to sleepaway camp for years and on a 10 hour flight with a teen tour when I was 15 - my first plane flight. I will tell you this. I moved out after grad school. Also 30 minutes away. I was 28. It did wonders for me personally and had a hugely positive impact on my relationship with my parents. I remember they took me shopping that first day for supplies which was so nice. I bounced my first rent check with my brand new checking account. Not because I was broke. Because I was so clueless about transferring $ between accounts. Life lesson. my son will go on his first overnight trip without us this year. He recently went with a friend to get ice cream - fifteen minutes walk - with no parents. He was scheduled to go on an overnight trip in 2020 but of course it was cancelled due to Covid. But I do not let him walk to school or home on his own because of the crime rate in our city. And the vast number of scooters and cyclists in the park he walks across who just don’t care about watching out for pedestrians. It’s a balance. Please let her spread her wings. It’s part of good parenting as is putting on our game face when we’re nervous inside.

I so love the idea of a charitable contribution. 80% of supporting someone is - as they say - is showing up. Whether you show up at the funeral or after or show up with your thoughtful charitable donation she will know you care. I’d skip the flowers and spend the $ on either food she might need and or your donation. Just my personal opinion.

Sorry. I thogijt it was obvious I meant if he is the father. I don’t know the law but he may change his mind and affirmatively wish to find out wither way. If he does I’m not sure what his rights are or the procedure. To me it’s not wild catastrophizing. It would be if he hadn’t had intercourse at all or hadn’t had it at any time related to her pregnancy like last year. But he did. Therefore he may have created this fetus or baby or however you’re all comfortable referring to this pregnancy.

Ask yourself why you need a label and/or a diagnosis to feel validated that something is wrong and that there is a pattern that you are showing in your choices of unavailable men (if that is the pattern). Yesterday I thought I might have covid. I have only felt this way when I've actually been exposed and also had symptoms. But I did feel that way. I tested. Negative. Later I felt better. I guess I was extremely exhausted. But yes sometimes we want a label or diagnosis - or confirmation that there is no diagnosis -to move on mentally -truth is seeing the negative result likely helped me manage and experience my symptoms better-psychologically. Labels and diagnoses sometimes are too powerful and not helpful. You seem like you want it as validation or a crutch maybe?

I agree totally with how others advised you on that point.

It's been years since I worked in an office and also felt "supervised" any more than when I was out of the office - when I first started -pre-internet- yes. Because then you had to be present, I was new in my career, and certainly people who you worked for would stop by or call randomly so you were "watched' in that sense. And when I had my high school and college and grad school jobs and internships yes for sure. But before covid when I went into the office I actually sat a few floors away from my boss plus I wasn't and still am not heavily supervised and also teleworked a lot (which is what I needed as far as child care when I returned to work after being a SAHM). What felt freeing was not having to commute at all. I love that. I know of many people (but not me!) who would feel no effects of any manner from a glass of wine with lunch so I don't see any issue with it.

I'm really confused -from what you wrote in the past you did not want to convert on your own. Perhaps he was confused too. Regardless -it's over and I think you should treat it as such. And I think it's great to know you marriage is not a priority for you so that you can share that with men you might date in the future. Personally I liked to know that ASAP so I could stop dating the person before I got attached -or not meet them if it was through an online site.

It's not about flowers or date nights. It's about being someone's rock -reliability, trust, character, integrity -including in every day actions. And to everyone -not just your partner -so your partner sees that that is the real you - a trustworthy person of character and integrity. Yes- flowers and trinkets and little gestures are nice but only if the foundation is what I wrote above -otherwise it's superficial stuff masking a lack of foundation.

I mean of course some people want to marry some don't. But I agree -really odd to convert to a religion for another person when marriage to the perso is not the goal. Doesn't he want marriage in a general sense?

Yes - that could happen if you don't sign away parental rights - and do not expect your mom to be able to help you in a physical way especially - you never know or she may not wish to at that time which is her right. My mother who loves me to pieces and loves her grandchildren told me when I was 37 and considering single mother by choice (sperm donor route) that she would love to say she'd help me but she was getting older and she couldn't promise to be able to help me physically. She wanted me to know that in advance. I had not asked her but she wanted me to know. Yes, you lose freedom when you are a parent -especially an unwilling one (meaning I don't mind giving up my freedom you listed above and sometimes I do but it's all worth it because I wanted to be a mom) - some people pay to regain freedom -hire people, put their child in activities when the child is old enough, boarding school, etc. but you are still on the hook - you pick up the child if the child is sick or pay yet someone else to do so. But you can buy back some freedoms. I hear you about last minute trips -in reality do you do that very often? My friend is a single mom and is leaving her 12 year old for 5 days while she flies to London from the U.S. for a girlfriend bday trip. She has a hodgepodge of neighbors to help. She knows she will have to cancel if her son is sick. It hangs over her too but it's life. In reality-her plan is an outlier -I've never heard of a single parent leaving the country without hiring someone to stay with a minor child overnight in the home or have a family member (she has none). So yes it complicates last minute trips and/or makes them impossible. But don't you already have to cancel if heaven forbid your mom was ill or your boss needed you suddenly? Just try to get some perspective. Good luck.

I understand too (I love the sentiment "you got this" -the intention -and it's also ok if it doesn't work for you OP - ok to feel like you don't "got this"). I think also give it time -it's still a shock to your system. And if you're prone to what ifs -there are what ifs. You will find ways to think about it, to process it that alleviate the extreme reactions. It's literally life changing -a life is in the process of being created as far as you know and you don't know if you helped create it. Give it time, seek out your support, also I recommend Martha Beck's books for tools on how to deal with this sort of "shock". She also has a blog and website. You will find a way to process that -you may never know - because unless you keep in touch with her she may make it impossible to be in touch and you may choose not to go the court route if you wish to know. But yes give it more time. It happened so recently! (4-7-8 breathing -Weil method -helps me a lot with what ifs)