Batya33

Since he is a new friend I also wouldn't be comfortable with her going to his home alone - meaning if this was a close friend of many years, a family friend etc then chances are she would have been to his home -or his former home-alone in the past. It could give him the wrong impression and it's completely unnecessary. Perhaps he'll have a house warming type gathering in the future you all can attend. I'm sorry you feel so insecure. My husband and I have always had platonic friends male, female, etc and no issues. And yes I've had uncomfortable moments as far as a female colleague of his -nothing to do with his behavior or my trusting him - just not a fan of him interacting with her other than work-related.

Yes I think I have many years ago. Yes it was really painful, I am sorry. But fast. I don't know about dye but the dye is harmless. I've had MRIs with IV dye. Uncomfortable yes but manageable. Treat yourself to something nice after. Good luck and please do have the procedure so you can make sure you're ok.

I agree with the above but he is not using her because she is allowing it. And appears to benefit greatly from the attention he gives her, the challenge, the smug disdain for his marriage/wife-maybe makes her feel superior somehow? I mean I'm guessing because I don't get it but she sure does seem to benefit. And so, to me anyway, he is not using her. Maybe they are both using each other for sex but that's different.

Married people cannot date or be your boyfriend so whatever he's asking you to do is simply to play at dating or pretend to be a couple -so silly. I thought you were talking about a sex partner who is single. He's of course the one who is cheating - but you are not behaving in an ethical way at all. And -consider the karma angle and whether his wife might get really really angry and take it out on you -or have someone else do so on her behalf.

You seem like a very thoughtful and compassionate person and I wish you the best in closing out this chapter.

I see it as -you chose to accept less than an enthusiastic -yes I want to be with you now, followed by being with you now. Don't settle for scraps and pretty words and noncommital statements, ok? It's not mixed -anything less than an enthusiastic yes is a NO.

Watch the feet -what the person does -not the lips -what she says. But listen to "I'm not ready for a relationship (with you)" Or "I need some space to work on myself [space from you most often]" -those words take to heart- most people are not going to say anything that could jeopardize a potential relationship or make the person feel that they should look elsewhere. Good luck!

He's not necessarily avoidant at all. He's doing what brings him pleasure. As far as his fancy term to explain his decisions whether to have intercourse with you or not, I mean - sure could be or could be him just with an excuse. I'm confused as to why you agreed to the dinner and walk if you want sex from him? He can plan all he wants-you don't have to agree-why not tell him just to let you know when he feels like coming over to have sex with you? Also unless you have lots of free time to burn/waste why not assert boundaries -stop all the sexting and psychobabble he throws at you and limit your interactions to intercourse.

I think you made unhealthy choices - nothing to do with feelings - you chose to react to your feelings by keeping in contact. Certainly in these last interactions she is not playing you -you're choosing to stay in contact with an ex who has moved on. If you justify it as "love makes you do stupid things" you're more likely to repeat this sort of behavior. Good luck!

I feel so awful for you and your loved ones - the fact that you are attacking me in the way you did shows me how in denial you are . I hope you choose better soon. You deserve it. You've been provided with various resources which are potential outlets that can help you with your potential alcoholism. Good luck.

You haven't read any of my posts - they're meant in context - sure, deflect and distract so that you can tell yourself you are the victim of mean people. You are the victim of potential alcoholism (potential -I'm not a medical person at all just going with common sense here) - you are putting words in my mouth. I wrote that you are good role model now. Did you read that or are you just indulging in this beat yourself up so I don't have to act silly pity party where it's not silly when you end up hurting someone. I wrote that you likely want to continue to be a good role model. You cannot be if you choose alcohol over your nieces, over your employer, over your friends. No one should have to convince you what you should choose to be sober for -especially not you because you'll find every excuse in the book to argue against it. It's silly and you know it. I worked my behind off on the treadmill this morning at around 5:20am. I do that every morning. I'm dripping with sweat, I'm exhausted. And I feel great. I feel like I ran a marathon, often I feel like wow that was hard but I am taking such good care of myself and it's soooooo worth it. And I did not run a marathon, I am not posting my "progress" on social media -couldn't care less that others actually do run marathons. It often carries over into my day- that sense of doing what's right for my body and mind (it helps my mental/emotional/brain health too - not saying it does for everyone -for me it does). I have a stressful day ahead between a work assignment and parenting. But I frame my day -or try to -by treating my body properly as much as I can -not perfectly -I have my vices too, my not so healthful habits, and I'm 56. But it's the perspective -and guess what -I mostly do it for myself. I tell myself that too - I'm not going to be motivated enough if it's only for others, only for my husband, only for our son. Or some other woo woo external thing. That doesn't work for me. Be self-absorbed like that is my opinion -do it for yourself- for the one body you have and the one brain you've been blessed with. Have you ever almost died or nearly so? I have. Not because of something I did -other than get pregnant and suffer the consequences - but I cannot imagine doing something as harmful as you are doing and not caring. Because when I do stuff like the daily exercise it's a wake up call literally and figuratively. Find what works for you -maybe it's meditation or cleaning your kitchen floor or making the perfect pot of herbal tea and inhaling the fragrance and enjoying it - maybe it's volunteer work -do something teensy or big every single day that is life affirming -your life - and including AA and therapy and all the rest that will add to your motivation to live a healthful life. IMHO -not condescending. But yes tell yourself that if you want to rant about how everyone is against you. Good luck to you.

I have a work friend and sadly we've faded a bit because of covid -we used to meet for lunch every 6-8 weeks -we work in different divisions-never together -and I went to full telework when covid hit -from partial -and she shifted to partial telework still since 2020. We met 6 years ago at a work seminar. We had stuff in common. But honestly especially compared to my pre-marriage/kid life my life is not that exciting lol. And I don't care one bit. She is married no kids and I didn't talk about my son much if at all but we found things to chat about during our lunches and enjoyed them. I didn't "try" to be interesting -just figured we'd do lunch, chat about whatever (including some personal stuff as time went on -but not work gossip ever) - and hopefully grow our friendship. A few years in we were walking back from lunch and in context she said something to me like you're not just a good listener you also ask really good follow up questions - I don't think I'd received that compliment before and to me it was natural to do so -I am interested in people, I was interested in her -her life, her stuff, what she had going on -and it was reciprocal -my follow up questions were never prying. I was very in tune with taking her lead as to what she wanted to share - but they showed that I had truly heard what she said, picked up on a part that was interesting to follow up on and she enjoyed being heard and then realizing what I needed more info on. I know it sounds technical -but when you are truly interested in a person and truly care (I did and do) you don't spend your time thinking up ways to get more information out of them -you listen openly -without rehearsing what you're going to say next if possible - you then consider what else that person might be comfortable talking more about -or find fun to talk about, etc. It's natural when it clicks. It's not natural to keep typing to a stranger you might want to date (I do have online penpals for sure -that's different -and yes some of them are close friends!) - it's not natural to try so hard especially in typed messages - it's also not consistent with your emphasis on finding a relationship -your actions say otherwise.

She doesn't have the right to risk other's lives and subject others to her being drunk, affect her employer, her coworkers etc. She has nieces she spends time with. I hope she wants to continue to be a good role model for them -and be an alive role model for them.

Yes! That is a great one. I think I saw the movie but not sure.

How are things getting more serious after just one date? Maybe it started getting more serious with someone else she is dating so she's backing away from you.

Well no because you shut him down -why should he suggest an alternative -that was on you. You aren't good at typing back and forth to a stranger. Why is that a skill you want to have? I thought you wanted to date people in person. Sure doesn't seem that way -seems like a bunch of excuses to me including an excuse to get down on yourself.

If you do then act consistently with that wish. Like - only if she mentions first that she was offline the previous evening "oh nice to hear from you - hope you had a lovely evening last night whatever you did!"

How do you know, if you drink right before work and arrive tipsy?? Then you are not sober and you are risking others lives.

I hope your mother continues to improve. Your comments to her about her boyfriend because -wow-she didn't respond to some message you sent -has nothing whatsoever to do with wanting the best for her. One of a couple of examples. I don't think that's polite.

Yes but these interactions have nothing to do with in person chemistry with potential for a real date -looks are the least of the reasons.

Your interactions with her sound -from my outsider perspective - very unhealthy and childish/manipulative -on both ends.

Your father can choose to hire an attorney if he feels his sister is doing something unfair. Nothing to do with you. You've received excellent input here.

Do you drive to work??

When you're drunk all the time it's a real risk. I recently finished the awesome page turning novel All Fall Down (Jennifer Weiner) - she typically does more chick flick type books but this one is not. And it is incredible in its analysis and treatment of addiction (mostly pills in this book, rather than alcohol). The main character is in her 30s I believe. I don't want to do spoilers but it scared the heck out of me and I do not have any addiction issues now or ever. I don't drink (I mean an occasional half glass of lovely wine but since covid literally none -no social opportunities!) - never taken an illegal drug or too much of any drug. And it scared me - so for you it will scare you in a good way -motivate you IMO. Read it -it's a great and intelligent read.

Yes and I'll add this -because if you start issues now - so I said my cousins were favored. I was close with my female cousin. I loved her so. She died young in her 30s over 15 years ago from cancer. Her brother is around my age. We just never really clicked. He had a couple of children who are now all in their 20s. One looks just like her aunt -my late cousin and was old enough to remember her. Anyway because of Facebook and Linkedin over the last two years two of my cousin's grown children -the two women- have reached out to me to connect/reconnect - and one especially is really into knowing about our side of the family, etc. They are both delightful. I text with one of them regularly and it's so great to connect with someone who loved our late cousin/aunt. Had I severed ties in a negative way with my remaining cousin over nonsense over what was fair, etc I doubt she'd even know about me let alone contact me. Adult kids of cousins are independent of their parents and they will connect with you unless there's really bad blood- and if there is it's often doubtful. Think of the future before you start getting involved and making trouble over $ for no reason.