smittenkitten

LOL! That reminds me of my all-time favorite cartoon line from the old Bugs Bunny series, I can't remember how it goes exactly but there's this big shaggy animal who gets all excited & he's hopping around going "And I'm gonna love him & kiss him & hold him & squeeze him & I'm gonna name him George!"

Shy Soul- hee hee... I can help you with your New Year's resolution (accepting compliments)- I think you're AWESOME!!! I think your mental 4 leaf clover, rabbit's foot, etc. must have done the trick... thanks for the thoughts!

Yay! It all worked out!!! (Doing the happy dance over here!) He picked me up & didn't mention the email for the longest time. The good thing was, nothing was awkward or weird, so it didn't feel like something was hanging over my head. I wasn't even sure if he'd read it. We were driving around & when midnight came he leaned over & gave me a kiss, which was cool. Then a while after that he mentioned my email, and we talked about all the relationship stuff. The gist of it is, he's scared spitless. And he's trying to pace himself & go really, really slowly. (He's succeeding! lol!) He doesn't know if I'm "the one" & he doesn't want to rush it, etc. etc. etc. I already knew all that, so that was fine. The part I didn't know was that he has feelings for me (yay!) & that I wicked turned him on the other night. (Double yay!!) He looked at me like I was insane & was like, "What, couldn't you tell?" And I was like "Yeah, but I assumed that just happens automatically to all guys, and when you didn't kiss me after that I assumed you weren't attracted to me." So he told me that doesn't often happen to him just from kissing, and that I totally knocked him out the other night. (Yay!!!) (We're up to triple now?!?!) It's wicked cute. We agreed that we're going to keep it at a high school level (the way high school was in my day anyway~ lol!), just kissing & that's it. He thought that might not be enough for me but I'm all for it- I don't want to rush this, either! It's funny, too, 'cuz he told me he'd been wondering why I hadn't kissed him. Apparently he likes the girl to take the lead sometimes. Ha ha ha... he has NO idea what he's in for! Lead? Heck yeah, I can lead!!! I had to train myself not to be too forward with a guy 'cuz usually it sends 'em running for the hills. Oh man, this boy's in trouble now!

Yikes. I did it! I just sent the email. Oh my gosh, I'm so nervous!

OK, he just called me. Eeek. I'm going to email him about this stuff & then we're going to talk when I see him. I wrote it all out earlier just to get myself clear about what I want to say, but it's pretty good, so I figure maybe it's best if he just reads it first. That way I won't forget anything important that I want to say (plus I won't wuss out!), and he can think about it a little before I see him. I don't want to do an "emotional ambush" on him! Oh my gosh. Wish me luck- PLEASE!!! I've got butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. Gulp!

Shy Soul! Thanks so much for replying. I've been obsessively checking the boards to see if anyone answered me yet. I'm so happy you did! I love your posts! I think we'd get along great, too. You knock me out- you have so much wisdom, and you're so YOUNG!!! (I hope that doesn't sound pretentious- it's just... usually I think of 22 year old guys as a mixed-up ball of hormones & beer! I clearly have to rethink my assumptions!) He's being a little weird today. I talked to him at 5pm, and he said he was going to get his kids dinner & call me back to talk about tonight. It's now 8pm & I haven't heard from him- this isn't like him at all! Yeesh. It looks like my New Year's Eve will be spent on the computer... oh well!

Oh yeah- the most important thing- just relax and have fun. She's not expecting you to knock yourself out with things to entertain her! I'm assuming she thinks you're entertainment enough.

Well, it kind of depends on how long you've been dating & what she wants to do. She might just want to come over & make out with you for 12 hours! But, assuming that you guys actually want to do other things, there's a lot you can do. All of your ideas are good- board games, walks, playing cards, watching TV or a movie (the 2 of you can go rent one together). You can introduce her to your music collection. I kind of like it when a guy pulls out his favorite songs & plays them for me. You can also whip out your photo album (or if that's too obvious, have some pictures scattered around your room & talk about them if she notices. She'll notice.) Girls LOVE to look at pics of their guy, especially if they're into him! (Yes, even baby pictures! We want to know EVERYTHING about the object of our affection!) Think about food- is she going to be there for long? Have some snacks & drinks available, or you guys can make something together if you like to cook. Do you have pets? You can play with them- take the dog out & play frisbee, or feed your goldfish. If you guys are kind of goofy (like I am!), you could play high school games like Truth or Dare, or even grade school games like Go Fish or Crazy 8's, and laugh your butts off while you're playing! It doesn't have to be anything exciting; you just want to hang out & share some of the normal things you do, things that you're into, with her. When I go to a guy's house, I'm mostly interested in finding out what makes him tick. So you can do the "This is my life" tour, but make sure you don't go overboard! If her eyes are sparkling & she's smiling, you're doing well. If her eyes start glazing over & drool escapes her mouth, stop talking & do something else immediately! Oh yeah... here's a heads-up. We snoop. We can't help it. If you leave the room, be aware that she might take a quick peek in your underwear drawer or under your bed. So make sure you HIDE anything you don't want her to see- love letters, dirty magazines, dirty underwear, pics of old girlfriends (although she might want to see these, to see if she's hotter than your ex. Only permit this, though, if she actually IS hotter than your ex, or if you're prepared to swear on the Bible that you think she is!), whatever. We can sniff these things out. I swear to god! (Especially the dirty underwear! ~lol~)

You can buy a special lubricant for anal sex that has a numbing ingredient in it. It helps a LOT!!! I'm not sure how it would go over with him, but if he's wearing a condom I can't see that it would matter! Go to a sex shop, or look online if you're too embarrassed to go in person. link removed As far as feeling like you have to go to the bathroom, that's normal. It helps to give yourself an enema beforehand so you KNOW there's nothing in there... nothing makes you tense up more than feeling like you're about to take a crap on your bf's dink!

Shy Soul- It's good to hear your feedback about the "therapist" thing. I actually believe that fewer people would need therapy if they had a really close friend to talk to about things. (I'm not saying therapy is unnecessary, heaven knows I've been an avid consumer, and I've gotten a lot out of it!) But in general, true friendship can heal a lot of wounds. Anyway, I don't have a problem with being emotionally supportive. I love it. I'm wired that way- it comes very naturally to me. And I love that he talks to me about everything; I don't want to shut that down or make him feel like he has to watch what he says with me. I guess I just need to share my feelings with him, and hopefully get some reassurance that he actually likes me as much as (hopefully more than!) his exes. And he definitely reciprocates. He listens to me very intently when I talk, and he's told me he wants to know everything about me, that he wants to see the "real" me. It's very, very easy to talk to him. We've talked about everything; dreams, goals, god, family, relationships, sex, ethics, values, etc... and now crayfish, of course! It's really, really good.

Oh for Pete's sake. I went out with him tonight with every intention of bringing this up in a nice, normal, non-psychotic way. And what did I do? (No, I wasn't psychotic!) I talked about working in the swamp in Florida, catching & sexing crayfish, and about these gross black amphibians (Amphiumas... ICK!) that used to get stuck in our traps. (I was an assistant on a crayfish research project. Don't ask me what the point of it was, I have absolutely NO clue!) I'm such a dork! When it was time for me to go (2:30 am, after he said he was tired), I was like, "Well, umm, there's something I wanted to talk to you about butwecantalkaboutitlaterOK?" And he told me to go ahead if I wanted, but I said no, it wasn't urgent. (Aaaagh!!!) Anyway, it was yet another great date. We went to a pub/restaurant that my long-ago ex boyfriend (my first true love & worst heartbreak) & his brother (my first kiss... yes, I live in a small town, but no, not EVERYONE has the same last name!) own. There was a great live band. We talked a LOT (as usual), and drove around and talked a lot more after the place closed (again, as usual). We are so freakin' compatible... BUT... he didn't kiss me, AGAIN! This is now our 8th date. The one and only time he kissed me was on date 6. What the heck?!?! I would seriously assume that we're just friends, but he ACTS like these are real dates. We were talking in his car right before I left, and I mentioned Joe (my long-ago ex), who had come over and chatted with us during the evening. My darling confusing guy said Joe seemed like a really nice guy, and I said "Yeah, I pick good men." To which my darling confusing guy replied, "Yes, you do", while laying his hand (BRIEFLY!) on my knee. Then he added, "Or maybe they pick you". Doesn't that sound like more than a "just-friends" thing to say? Geez Louise! I'm so confused!!! Is it possible that he's too insecure to kiss me again, even though he did it before? Do guys get like that? Like, maybe he's waiting for me to make a move on him this time? I don't get it. I'm gonna start shopping for a habit soon if this keeps up. I'm feeling a strong urge to join a convent!!! (I know, I know. I just have to suck it up and ASK him about it! But YIKES! It's so scary!!!)

Good luck! May your date not be like your screen name.

Dang, I can't copy Shy Soul's post! I guess I'll have to bookmark this page instead!

Shy Soul, Your posts were just beautiful. I'm copying them & keeping them in my "dating" document on my computer! Jadtt, Shy Soul made so many great points. (So did Beec, but it sounds like you've already gone there!) Love is a gift, whether it lasts a lifetime, a week, or 2 months. Try to relax into it. The worst thing would be if your worst fears came true, and you didn't even have the ability to say "Well it was worth it", because your fear caused you to miss the joy. I know it's easy for me to say & much harder to do, but it sounds like you've got a good thing going on. Maybe you could try meditating & finding a "safe space" within yourself, where you know that no matter what happens, you'll be OK. I wish you the best of luck! Don't miss the dance, darlin'. It's a rare & beautiful thing.

Thank you, Shy Soul, that makes a lot of sense. I haven't wanted to say anything to him because I don't want to make him feel pressured, and I don't want to assume he's feeling things for me that he might not be feeling. And I want to be there for him, I really do. I get the sense that he really needs to know that there's a woman who trusts & respects & accepts him as he is, who won't get jealous or needy or crazy & make demands on him to change. Then again, I don't want to become his mother or his therapist, either. I want to be emotionally supportive, but not in a way that undermines whatever romantic feelings he might have for me. Does that make sense? I've heard (actually, from the my Rules friends) that being too emotionally available to a man can turn him off & make him think of you as just a friend. But I'm naturally a very loving & compassionate person. I love that he feels safe with me. I know I can handle this, if I can get a sense of what's really going on (ie, whether we're friends or lovers). I'm strong enough & healthy enough to deal with stuff; I'm patient & understanding. Right now though, I'm just not sure of what's going on, and I don't particularly want to get hurt, either!

Give her a chance but go slow. I've had a lot of partners & I've done the "casual sex" thing, but I'm extremely ethical and trustworthy. I went through the casual sex phase in my life when I felt that it was unlikely I'd ever meet someone with whom I was completely compatible. As Lyle Lovett says, "Given that true intellectual and emotional compatibility are at the very least difficult, if not impossible to come by, we can always opt for the more temporal gratification of sheer physical attraction. That wouldn't make you a shallow person, would it?" lol! However, I learned through those experiences that I prefer real relationships with real substance. Casual sex and one-night stands are, in my opinion, simply masturbation with an organic vibrator. I wouldn't have realized that if I hadn't tried it, and I think I'd be more likely to cheat on a man if I hadn't given myself free rein to experiment sexually and find out what works for me and what doesn't. So don't close the door on her yet. Get off the computer and meet her in real life ASAP so you can decide if this has potential. We can all be whoever we want to be online; it takes a face to face meeting to find out if the chemistry is there. Take it slowly so you can find out what she's all about. Casual sex and one-night stands might be an important part of her sexuality, and not something she plans to change. You'll know after you've been out with her a few times. Or, she might be like me... someone who's honestly looking for a decent relationship, who happens to have a spicy past, but who will be very happy to settle down and be faithful and monogamous with the right person! Good luck!

Oh man, this sounds like a match made in hell! Sorry, but neither of you seem to be having much fun. Relationships should be (for the most part, anyway) FUN! Or else why bother? Sure, there will always be issues, but the good's gotta outweigh the bad. Now, you might be able to salvage this relationship, if you really want to. The question is, do you want to? It's going to take a lot of work. You know you started off wrong by sleeping together right off the bat. You know it and she knows it, or she wouldn't keep bringing it up. Unfortunately, even if you search your heart and decide that yes, this relationship is worth saving, and even if you put your heart and soul into saving it, she just may not be capable of having a healthy relationship. It sounds like she doesn't know if she's coming or going. She's insecure, confused, and driving you to do the very things she's afraid you're doing (ie, looking at other women). There are just so many issues here! Your ages are definitely a factor. At 19, you're still figuring out who you are. (Hell, at 35, I'm still figuring out who I am!) You're still figuring out how relationships work (well, ditto), what you want & need, and how to communicate effectively. I'd recommend that you read "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus", if you haven't read it yet. It's sooo simple & so profound! I read it ages ago after a devastating breakup, and I realized that if I'd read it sooner I probably wouldn't have driven the guy away! I don't think she's trying to get you to break up with her, but her actions are certainly leading you to think about it. She's driving you away, but I don't think she means to. It sounds like she's desperately trying to hold onto you, but whether that's out of a genuine love for you or a simple fear of being alone, I don't know. The bottom line is, only you can decide if it's worth it. Is there enough good in this relationship to continue seeing her? You say she's nice & sweet... well, there are lots of girls out there who are nice & sweet, who might be a better match for you! But if there's something really special about this girl, something that makes your heart sing when you're with her, you might want to hold on. Otherwise, it might be best to get out of it and start over again. Either way, read that book. It will help tremendously in your future dating endeavors. If you can, read it before you break up with her (if that's what you decide to do). It will help you make the break much more easily. You can probably even get it at the library if you need to! Good luck sweets!

I decided to start a new topic because I have more questions about the no-kiss guy. This is long, so I apologize in advance! He finally kissed me a few days ago & it was great. He seemed attracted to me, based on certain ‘evidence’ that was apparent when we kissed. However, we went out last night, and when the date was over he jumped out of his car (I’d met him at his house), said goodnight, and went in. Didn’t walk me to my car, hug me, or (needless to say), even kiss me. I just don’t know what to make of this. There are several things going on which I’d like some feedback on, as I’m sure they have a lot to do with the situation. The biggest thing is his ex-girlfriend. They broke up 5 ½ months ago, and although he says he’s over her, he talks about her a LOT. It was OK at first, but now I’m feeling insecure and a little jealous. He’s told me how bad their relationship was, and how glad he is that he’s out of it now, but he also tells me how beautiful she was and how he fell in love with her the minute he saw her, and she was everything he ever thought he wanted. They fell in love right away, moved in together after a month, and a few weeks after that he started noticing that things weren’t quite right with this girl. It turned out that she’s an addict/alcoholic (he’s in recovery); she would lie to him, frequently break up with him, move out (or just not come home) & not contact him for days, then she’d call needing him to come rescue her from whatever trouble she’d gotten into. She tried to get sober but couldn’t do it… she went into a mental hospital & was diagnosed with bipolar disorder & multiple personalities… stayed off drugs for a while but ended up selling her (prescribed) medications for street drugs. She told her therapist he drank & beat her (neither is true), took out a restraining order on him, & tried to get him kicked out of his apartment (his name was on the lease, not hers) so she could live there with another guy. Fun girl, huh? So he finally got out of it and moved to my town to start over. And, like I said, he says he’s over her. But the way he talks about them getting together… how they just “fell in love”, and it was so romantic, blah blah blah… I keep thinking that if he felt that way about me, he wouldn’t be holding back so much. (Ie, not only would he be kissing me all the time, but I wouldn’t be able to get him out of my bed or my house!!!) He admits that the relationship damaged him and he’s scared to get involved again, and he said he’d like to have a healthy relationship this time. He also talks about his ex-wife, and I know he doesn’t want to get back together with her, but again, he talks about how pretty she was, and how great their relationship was before he screwed it up by drinking. He says that if he hadn’t screwed things up they’d probably still be married, because he believes marriage should be forever. However, he also talks about how much she’s changed (she’s drinking now, and he’s been sober for 5 ½ years), and how she’s a different person, and he just doesn’t like who she’s become. He says he still loves both of them and always will, not romantically but the way you do when someone has been significant to you. I get that, but it makes me feel insecure to hear him say it. I feel like I’ll somehow never measure up to these 2 women or be as important to him as they were. I know I don’t measure up to them physically (I’ve seen pics; the crazy girl was “model-hot”, in his words). I’m cute but average, and way more on the “soft” side than these women! He says it doesn’t matter, he’s learned (thanks to Crazy Girl) that looks aren’t everything, and that he’s very attracted to me. And I could handle all this, I really could, if he was telling me I was pretty & if he was kissing me & making me feel like he’s into me. I want to be someone he can tell anything to, and he’s told me that it’s so great he can talk about anything & everything with me and not have to edit what he says. But I’m not hearing what I need to hear from him about me, and it makes me wonder if I’m “just a friend”. The other night when we kissed, he said he didn’t want to rush into anything, he’s not ready to make a commitment, he wants to make sure he’s doing the right thing. He said he wants to make sure he’s not just “rushing into the first thing that comes along” after his breakup; ie, he wants to be able to date other people & be sure. And that’s fine with me; I’ve read “Mars & Venus on a Date” (thank you John Gray!), and he’s clearly in the “Uncertainty” stage. Which is fine. I don’t need a commitment from him right now. I don’t think it’s necessary to make a commitment until I’m sleeping with a guy, and I told him that. I’m all for going slow & getting to know each other & waiting to have sex until I’m sure it’s with the right person. But what is he doing?!?! If he’s feeling the same way I’m feeling (I feel like I’m falling in love with him, and sometimes I think he might be falling in love with me, too, because the energy is there), then he’s putting the brakes on way, WAY too much!!! I’d much rather “go with the flow” and follow the energy of this thing & see where it takes us. It hurts not to be able to touch him. It goes against my instincts. I have a couple of girlfriends who are avid followers of “The Rules”, and they are strongly encouraging me to back off. Not take his calls for a few days, turn him down for a couple of dates, shake him up a bit and give him the space to realize he misses me. That he might be too complacent right now & he needs a wake up call to realize what his feelings for me are. We’re supposed to go to First Night tomorrow with all of our kids (his 2 & my 2). I think it’s a good sign that he wants me to meet his kids (he’s already met mine), but I’m wondering if I should tell him I can’t go, and just be out of reach all weekend. He called me this morning. I haven’t called him back yet because I’m not sure what I should do. He still calls me every day, asks me out, and talks about things he’d like to do with me ‘sometime’ (“we should go to this restaurant sometime”, “we should go see this guy in concert sometime”, “I’d like to take you to such-and-such a place, show you this, do that, etc…” If any of you have any insights/opinions on this, they would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

And the sad thing is, I'm 90% in love with this guy. (OK, maybe a little more than that, but I'm trying to be rational here!) My heart & soul are telling me that he's the one. Maybe it's not the same for him. Eeesh.

OK, I'm totally confused. He finally kissed me the other night, and it was awesome. I was so freakin' happy. But we went out tonight, and.... NO KISS! Again! I'm trying not to take it too hard. Maybe he was just tired. (He's got to go to court early tomorrow morning.) Then again, maybe he's just not attracted to me (although it seemed like all systems were "go" the other night, if you know what I mean!) Or maybe he's just not over his ex-girlfriend yet. (He says he is, and their relationship was terrible, but he talks about her a LOT!) I don't know. He keeps calling me and asking me out. We're supposed to get together on New Year's Eve with our kids (this will be the first time we'll all meet). Maybe he thinks of me as just a buddy. Crud.

Hey Phoenix, These guys are absolutely right. I had to learn it the hard way... don't fall into bed with a guy right off the bat! My absolute BEST relationship to date was one where we waited 6 weeks before sleeping with each other. Pace yourself. If you don't give it up on the first date, & a guy calls you back, he likes you. If you don't give it up on the second date, & the guy calls you back, he likes you. If you don't give it up on the third date, & the guy calls you back, he STILL likes you... and when, finally, you do go to bed with him, chances are that he's still going to call you. Because he actually likes you.

You guys are great! I've been wondering if I'm misinterpreting the signs of interest I've seen from him. I've had a tendency in past relationships to see things that aren't there, which would result in me chasing and chasing and CHASING a guy... I've learned the hard way that it's better to chill out & not pursue a guy. (And ESPECIALLY not to call him 50 times a day in an effort to get him to pay attention to me!!!) You've given me a lot to think about... fortunately, it all seems pretty good! I was afraid I was going to get a big ole' dose of "He's Just Not That Into You!" I don't know if I'll make the first move though; the "brush & lean" was VERY forward of me! But who knows... if this keeps up I might get so frustrated I'll wind up meeting him at the door wearing nothing but Saran Wrap & a big bow! (Think Kathy Bates in "Fried Green Tomatoes"! LOL!) DiggityDog, nope, I've never posted over there.

Hi! I just found this group and I’m hoping you can help me out. I started dating a guy a month ago. I REALLY like him. When we go out we talk for HOURS, about everything. We’re extremely compatible mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. On our second date he told me that he feels comfortable with me, “too comfortable”, that he knows he could “go deep” with me, & that it scares the hell out of him. He’s shared details of his last relationship, which was extremely unhealthy, and he said he’d like to “do this right”, take it slow, and build this relationship on a solid foundation of honest communication & trust. He calls me every day & I feel pretty sure he’s into me. He pays for our dates & opens doors for me… y’know, typical boy-likes-girl-type stuff. BUT. He hasn’t made any moves on me whatsoever. No kissing, no handholding, no nada. So I keep wondering if maybe this is just a “friend” thing. We talked about it when we were out last week, and he said he’s attracted to me, he thinks I’m amazing, etc. I tried to be really brave & up front (in the interest of "honest, open communication") when I asked him about it- but I DIDN'T come right out & say "do you want me" or "why haven't you kissed me"! It was more a "are we friends or are we dating?" type thing. I obviously failed in meeting my objective, because I still feel like I’m in limbo. I'm not going to ask him AGAIN because we already talked about it (even though I have NO idea what the answer was!!!), and I don’t want to kill whatever this is by overanalyzing it with him. Yikes. Tonight he went to the movies with my kids & me- this is the first time I’ve asked HIM out, and the first time he’s met my kids. It was fun- but again, no touchy-feely stuff. (OK, I know a “date” with a 6 and 7 year old in attendance isn’t exactly the right time to make a move, but a surreptitious hand-holding wouldn’t have been inappropriate!) I have to admit I was a little forward tonight. I’d lean in really close & whisper to him with my lips right next to his ear, and brush my hand against his leg or arm while I was shifting in my seat. (And I shifted a LOT! Lol!) And I swear, when I touch him I feel this electric jolt jump between us; it’s happened before when he’s handed me something & our fingers brush against each other. I’ve always thought that that kind of spark HAS to be reciprocal or it wouldn’t exist, but now I’m wondering if it’s only me who feels it. So anyway, he still didn’t make a move. It could be because my kids were there, or it could be that he’s just not into me that way! (In which case I made a COMPLETE idiot of myself tonight!!!) I know that time will tell, but I’m just too darned impatient. So I’m hoping to get some feedback from you guys. Thanks! Oh yeah- some other things he's said- on the 2nd date (the "go deep" conversation), he said "Don't be using any of your feminine wiles on me or I'm a goner!" He's also mentioned that women sometimes think he's gay because he's too much of a gentleman. (He's not. Gay, that is!)