lostwithlove

Some people can change.

Erm... not really.

True DN. I view her as some sort of a god in my mind when I know she is only a girl. sigh. What other choices do I have? Hm, let's see. Finding a isolated island to retire to, away from all of this {manure}. The 'what ifs' haunt me. The time I have wasted, pains me. The emotion down the drain is tormenting. Yet, I still care for her. *Certifiably Insane!*

You are a rather obscure man, aren't you? Yes. Fine. 'Put up with the pain, it can't last forever'. Or follow your quote. Though this is a new form of hell to me.

You make it sound so easy. Try ignoring someone who you think the world of. We also have the same group of friends. That makes things awkward. I can't get her out of my head. I want to know what she is doing, who she is with, what she feels, etc etc etc etcccc blagh. Thanks.

I was just starting to heal. I could feel myself care less and less as the days passed by. I stopped talking to her, and it had been about a week, before I wished her a happy Christmas. After that, we got to chatting - and on xmas day, I paid her a visit (while slightly under the influence) to see her. I left my phone there, and had to go and pick it up the next day. I had plans of just picking it up, and making up an excuse and leaving. But things didn't work out like that. We spent some time together, walking around just chit-chatting about a load of nothing. Things were like they used to be, and although I was so happy when we were together, it tore me up when I came home. Today I was IMing her and she took something I said the wrong way, and twisted it to take offence. I got upset, and it's thrown me into a low. I just want a normal friendship. I want to forget about all the emotion and time I've wasted on her and have the friendship we had. Is that even possible? Who knows... Nothing effects her. I can pour my heart out to her, and she would say OK. I think she just doesn't show it. But why? I want to know how she feels. I want to be able to be there for her, like she was for me. But she won't let me. I miss her... and I know she misses me. Anyone know of a good memory eraser? It would come in handy about now... My therapist says she does things to make me jealous. But I'm not up to all those childish games. She told me that she was holding hands with another boy in school, while talking on the phone. She made it look like she didn't want to tell me, but she knew I'd push her reveal... Agh. I just want her out of my head. Thank you for listening to my meaningless rant... Happy holidays.

Thanks, ShySoul. I'm not really a poet, but it's a good way to release.

For Love is: Pure, consistent and unconditional, Soul filling, and self-giving. Happy times, filled with joy and glee, Failure to be selfless, it's never for me. Painless, with no regrets, No games, no threats. Hopeful with the future in sights, Pure and good, with no fights. Without a second thought, As of yet, it cannot be bought. Not a meaningless kiss, My dear lover, love is not this...

Thanks for your response. She had a boyfriend when we first met. Yes, she said she loved me like a boyfriend. "in love" with me, as she put it.

I'm not sure how this will soud when it is out in writing. But it has to be better than the confusion in my head. A little background, first of all. I have known this girl for over a year, and we were (still are) best friends. The problem is the confusion in our friendship. I always had feelings for her, but she was in a relationship when I first knew her. She is now out of her relationship, and we have had a lot of nights where we would kiss. Fast forward She told me that she loved me in an email a few weeks ago. I was absolutely over the moon. I thought we were finally going to be together. To my surprise and disappointment, nothing happened. I didn't really know how to approach the subject. I then wanted to end the friendship. There was a lot of confusion and things weren't really working out. I said a lot of hurtful things in spite, trying to hurt her because she had led me on (though she denies it) for so long. As we only really hear the poster's point of view on these forums: She thinks that she has never led me on, and that everything she has done, has been done in confusion and uncertainty. She said that she really meant it when she said she loved me. I wish I could believe that. I wish that I could accept what she says, and leave my own mind to rest. I wish I could forget about her, and stop caring about her. Tonight, I spoke to her, to apologise about what I said to her, which must have hurt. She went on to tell me (in normal conversation) that she was holding hands with a guy in our school, today. She's had a thing for this guy for a while. He's a year older. This tore me apart - and caused me to be very blunt with her. I didn't see any point in being audiobly upset (this was on the phone) She was rather stunned as to why I was hurt by it. So I told her that she can't just say she loves me, and then go away with someone else. She replied that I had told her that I didn't want anything, quite clearly from when I was upset. At the end, I decided to just be straight with her. I told her that we really did want different things. I want a relationship with her, and she doesn't want a relationship. Any insights, comments or suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

> It just so happens that I got hold of these sites heloladies recommends. Enjoy

I agree with Beec.

I just feel that we have no future. She was my best friend for a long time. She stuck with me through it all. But we have a complicated past and I don't see things working out in the future. I don't know whether to see what happens, or end it now. She knows I have feelings for her, and does nothing about it. But she says she does have feelings for me, and she just wants to be alone for a while. (She is just out of a long term relationship. A few months ago.) I feel like she is adding frustration to my life that I don't need. Frustration is a fuel to my depression. I feel like I would get so much emotional freedom from not being so close to her. But she can't see it like that. I've tried to end our friendship before, a few times, with no avail. I always ended up feeling low and talking to her. I know it's not her fault that I am feeling like this, but I don't want to share it with her. She is childish and doesn't know about the problems of life. What do you think, should I end the friendship?

Disguised by imperfect; geniuses walk among us. Their tortured minds go unnoticed, while their screams are left unheard – prejudiced against by the societies who are partially to blame for their pain, they wander, and wonder. The world fears them, because they hold more knowledge of the pain of life. The empty words you voice; the fake smiles you force; the feelings you put on. The charade. Their eyes burn through your layers, to reveal the true you; even if you don't know who you truly are. Like a sixth sense capable of detecting your fears, coupled with an unknown knowledge of questionable motive. If you have ever been unfortunate enough to lose someone you loved – you may have had some insight of the lives these people endure. And let us not be mistaken; these, dear reader, are the few benefits of suffering from depression. Unstable, emotional, volatile and unpredictable. Life with the lows is unexpected, and coping with yourself is a tedious task. To struggle with a hijacked mind can only resemble being at war with yourself. The demons of tomorrow lay, unconquered. But today, you survived. Logic is underestimated within the modern world. Unnecessary clarity is far from wanted, and seldom enjoyed. Cursed with a gift: life is plagued by these oxymoron's. The bitter-sweet state of clarity shrewd in mist. Being so, mentally, close to death, you may say I'm still living. I say, while bordering freedom, that I am merely existing.

Thanks for all the responses, The circumstances were: This girl was my best friend for a long time, I trusted her not to tell anyone that I was seeking help for my depression, but she told a friend of hers. And this friend is my uncle's step-daughter, so my parents eventually found out through him. P.S I didn't want my parents to find out because they believe that depression is for the weak etc. and I didn't want the extra stress. I told her that too.

Is betrayal of trust a reason to end a friendship? It is, or was, a good friendship, and a reasonably significant piece of information that I entrusted onto her was betrayed. Is that reason to end the friendship, or am I acting out of anger? She has nothing to say in her defense, but tears fill the placement of words. Thanks, LWL.

Thank you MissM. I was diagnosed with clinical depression today. In a way it's a weight off of my mind, but I am still in a sort of denial, wondering if there might have been a misdiagnosis. Not likely, but anyway. I am on a course of Lexapro (Escitalopram) and I've to take them for a week and go back to my doctor. I was also offered therapy, which I'm considering. I opened my mind for the tablets, I'll consider the therapy. I'm feeling rather tired and quite blurry-minded just now, but I am supposed to be going out tonight. I have to stop throwing myself into solitude and I'm taking steps to get myself back on track. Thank you MissM for all of your words of encouragement and help. It meant the difference between me suffering depression in silence and getting checked out. Thank you.

Thank you very much for that MissM, that helped me a great deal and eased my mind. It also made me take the step. I booked an appointment with the doctor, Wednesday at 3.20pm. I am going to say that I've not been feeling myself. That I've been feeling low more than usual, and that even when I'm having a 'normal day' something can get to me and throw me down and it takes a few days for me to find my feet again. I know that what I'm going through isn't my usual self. I used to be a very outgoing person, over the past few months I've thrown myself into solitude. I used to be quite heavy, I've lost over 30 pounds in the past few months, and my weight is still dropping, slower now. I can't really explain my 'downs' though. I could be having a great day with a friend and then I come home and go into a mind-fuzzing state of darkness. Thank you for that post MissM, it was very very helpful.

Thanks everyone. I can't tell my parents for various reasons. Are you all presuming that i do have depression?

I'm ignoring Tweak's post. Thanks cinderelly, it's like I would commit suicide, it's more like, when my mind wonders I'll casually think about how easy it would be and how quick a 'solution' it is. I'd never ever do it though.

I may be depressed. But there are a few things I would like to know before booking an appointment to see the doctor. 1) I would feel stupid if I walked into a doctor's and said that I thought I had depression and it turns out I don't. How do I say it? 2)I know about confidentiality and stuff, but if I tell the doctor I have suicidal thoughts, would they think I'm a danger to myself? And could they tell my parents then? 3) If it turns out that I do have depression, then what? Throw me on meds? I don't want that, and I don't want to see a therapist. Thanks in advance.

I'd like to know: How many times you have thoughts of suicide. Whether it be per day, week, month or never. I don't mean how many times you think about actually doing it, just like, how many times you consider what it'd be like - as an option. Thanks.

Thanks, I now know that I must distance myself from her. I woke up today, to find that she was on MSN, with her 'ex'. I just signed out again. Some people get chance after chance after chance, when others don't even get a single shot at it. I feel like I'm going though a break-up, but she was only a friend. I invested my emotions in her, and she threw them in my face. I know I'll get over her, in the end. It's this stage I hate.

Thank you all for your time. She just texted me back. She simply said that "she's just in" and that "she's going back out later tonight". No invitation, No 'how are you doing?" Nothing but her, her, her. Nice. No I'm not acting clingy, all these feelings are in my head. She doesn't know that I'm that attatched to her. She doesn't know that what she does affects me. And she doesn't know how much I think about/care about her. Pain, with what I've been through, you'd think I were used to it. But no. It still hurts and it still plays in my mind. I want a cure to this, if there was a medication I could take that would push her out of my head, I'd take it. I'd trade a limb just not to think of her anymore. Thank you every one who did and may later post.

Thanks DN, It seems to be all I do, wait. I think it she's probably out with her friends that she stayed with last night. She doesn't seem to have time for me anymore. Which contradicts what she says when she's around me. I've contimplated that she could be using me. I brung it up once and she was almost crying. I think she's too innocent to do such a thing. I just miss how it was. Even when she had her boyfriend, at least we were closer. One more thing: The girl she was staying with last night. Well me and her fell out a short while ago. Do you think she's taking her side? Probably not, but still, we always think of the worst. thanks for your reply.